Posted by Adam Jacobi
Arkansas tailback/return specialist Dennis Johnson is out with an injury. That is all that we are comfortable with discussing about this story without needing a deep breath or two.
You should stop reading this right now.
Still here? Okay. Johnson is out with what coach Bobby Petrino called a "bowel injury," and if that doesn't sound horrifying enough, the particulars of how he suffered said injury... well, here's what the Hog Blog had to say about it:
The injury required Johnson to undergo surgery in Little Rock shortly after the game. Petrino said he was “very, very concerned” about Johnson because of the severity of the injury, but “encouraged” by his progress since the past couple of days.
“We’re not even thinking about timetables for his return right now,” Petrino said. “We’re just thinking about his health. Hopefully he’ll improve. He’s doing well. He was up walking, they’ve got him up walking. He’s very, very sore from the surgery. We’re encouraged by everything the doctors are telling us on how he’s doing health wise.”
Seriously, stop reading right now.
“I haven’t asked him how he thought it happened,” Petrino said. “But when he came off the field, our strength and conditioning coach, (Jason) Veltkamp said he talked about falling on the ball and landing on the ball. Initially thought it was a rib injury. But that was not the case. When we were out on the field, in the locker room, toward the end of the game, he started throwing up and then they knew it wasn’t a rib injury and got him to the hospital.”
Video of this injury is not available, as it is legally classified as a snuff film.
Now, it should be noted that technically, any part of the large intestine could be considered the "bowel," and the large intestine stretches higher than the waistline. So that, combined with the fact that the S&C coach thought it was a rib injury (there's no ribs down there, after all), could mean that Johnson's injury was far removed from the worst imaginable place to receive an injury. But still--bowel has a common connotation with one very specific part of the body, so if it was high in Johnson's large intestine, wouldn't they just be better off calling it an "intestinal" injury? Y'know, so we don't assume the worst? Either way, we're glad to hear he's recovering from surgery and that he'll be okay, because good heavens.