Tag:Satire
Posted on: September 30, 2011 1:05 pm
Edited on: September 30, 2011 1:06 pm
  •  
 

Candy scandal reaches Kansas

Posted by Tom Fornelli

There's trouble looming on the horizon for college football, a problem that threatens to tear the game apart from within. No, it's not conference realignment, television, the BCS or recruiting scandals. 

It's candy.

Last year our own Adam Jacobi blew the doors off a giant candy scandal taking place at Hawaii, but nobody thought much of it. "It's all the way out there in Hawaii," people said. "It's barely even a state." Yes, well, your apathy has cost you, America, because now the growing candy problem in college football has hit us right in the heartland.

In Kansas.
Kansas assistant coach David Beaty has given his receivers two additional reasons to block hard this season: competition and chocolate.

Beaty has kept track of his receivers’ knockdowns — the times when a player completely puts his opponent on the ground — on the dry-erase board in the receivers’ meeting room.

When a receiver gets a knockdown that leads to a scoring play, Beaty awards that player a king-sized candy bar at the position group’s meeting Sunday.

“You take pride in that,” KU sophomore Christian Matthews said, “and try to get the most candy.”
It may not seem like a big deal now, but how much longer until the world of college football recruiting devolves into a process of luring high school kids to school with candy? We're only months away from Lane Kiffin pulling up to a high school in an unmarked van offering peanut M&M's to top prospects to get them to come to USC.

Soon it will go from one candy bar to those 10-packs of the fun size kind, and eventually the bags of fun size bars. It will grow in size until eventually the sport of college football becomes extinct because every single high school football player in the United States develops diabetes and has to retire.

I implore the NCAA to put an end to this practice now, before it's too late.
Posted on: August 18, 2011 5:34 pm
Edited on: August 18, 2011 5:35 pm
 

Eye on Art!: Texas' statement on Longhorn Network

Posted by Tom Fornelli

Eye on Art! is a semi-regular feature of the Eye on College Football blog. You've heard the expression "a picture is worth 1,000 words?" Well pictures drawn in MS Paint are worth more like 500 words, but 500 should be good enough.

On Thursday the Austin American-Statesman's Kirk Bohls tweeted that the Longhorn Network -- aka SCOURGE OF THE BIG 12 -- will be showing two Big 12 games this season according to ESPN VP Burke Magnus. Which will cause some problems considering that the network originally said that it'd be showing only one Big 12 game a season.

Then, to make matters worse, Bohls later tweeted that The Longhorn Network will also be showing highlights of high school games, which should also go over really well with the rest of the Big 12 conference.

Concerned about the impact this news could have on the Big 12, Texas released a statement on Thursday in an attempt to smooth things over.



Yes, I'd say they are.
Posted on: August 4, 2011 4:30 pm
Edited on: August 4, 2011 4:31 pm
 

Future programs of the Longhorn Network

Posted by Tom Fornelli

On Thursday the new and controversial Longhorn Network announced a slate of programming that it will begin airing in the coming weeks. On the whole there's nothing all that groundbreaking in the lineup. There will be a show in which Mack Brown talks with Vince Young, Ricky Williams and Colt McCoy. There's also a look back at the 2005 national championship season, and your standard greatest games fare.

Being the visionary that I am, however, I decided to take a peak into my crystal ball to get a glimpse at what the Longhorn Network will be showing a little over a year from now. Let me tell you, there's going to be some must-see television going on.

High School Football - It's just like Friday Night Lights, except without a script, Connie Britton and every game ending on an unrealistic, last-second touchdown. What it will have, though, is plenty of Texas recruits.

The Departure - A five-part documentary series highlighting all the comings and goings in College Station as Texas A&M packs its bags and moves to the SEC.  You won't want to miss the episode where DeLoss Dodds and Bill Byrne run into each other at a local grocery store and let the expletives and produce fly.

Crying All Night with Don Beebe - A late night talk show that is shown every weeknight in which Don Beebe sits behind a desk and cries as his conference dissolves around him. His co-host DeLoss Dodds then consoles him while interviewing special guests!

Mack Daddy - Have you ever seen some of the lovely co-eds who call beautiful Austin, Texas home? Well now you have the chance to date them! Join Texas head coach Mack Brown as he hosts a game show that is a cross between The Match Game and Flavor of Love!

Major's Malfunctions - A refreshing family sitcom starring Texas co-offensive coordinator Major Applewhite. While Major has his problems with Garrett Gilbert at work, the trouble doesn't really start until he returns home to his sassy wife and two small children!

Aggie Rehab - Hosted by Dr. Drew, former Texas A&M fans move into a house where together they all try and overcome their love of Texas A&M and turn their lives around. Incredibly moving, sad and uplifting all at the same time.

Call your cable operators now!
Posted on: May 3, 2011 3:36 pm
Edited on: May 3, 2011 3:36 pm
 

Candy scandal rocks Hawaii athletics

Posted by Adam Jacobi

After word got out last night that Boise State was facing a variety of NCAA violations, including the dreaded lack of institutional control, one couldn't help but think that there was more bad news on the way. Not necessarily for Boise, per se, but schools like it: athletic overachievers from lightly populated, western states. Well, lo and behold, a disturbing confession comes to us from blogger and former Hawaii professor Patrick Johnston today.

This is obviously terrible news for Hawaii athletics. Candy is known to contain enough sweeteners to put athletes on a "sugar high," and chocolate contains caffeine, a known stimulant. There's no telling what kind of sugar-crazed maniacs were flying out of Johnston's classes and onto the practice fields. Were they liabilities to the other athletes' health and safety? You bet your ukulele they were!

Safety aside, the mere gifting of these deadly sweets is itself a major problem. We confirmed with Johnston that the gifts included some "fun size" individual candies, and as we all know, under the purview of the NCAA, fun is completely illegal.

The Hawaii compliance director is out of the office (we checked) and thus unavailable for comment. If she knew what horrible accusations against the Warriors await her, she might not come back to the office. We wouldn't blame her.

 

[Note: if you took this article seriously, you're an idiot.]

Posted on: April 22, 2011 1:10 pm
Edited on: April 22, 2011 1:27 pm
 

Vontaze Burfict's brand of leadership

Posted by Tom Fornelli

To a man, all of us here at the Eye On College Football blog had a bit of a chuckle when we came across a headline we saw in the Arizona Republic on Friday morning. That headline was "ASU's Vontaze Burfict embracing leadership role." Don't get us wrong, it's not as if any of us don't think Burfict is a very good football player; we know he is. It was just, given his penchant for personal foul penalties, we wondered if having Burfict as your defensive leader on the field is really the smartest decision for Arizona State to make.

I mean, is this really the kind of example you want your team to follow?

And that's just one incident, head on over to YouTube and watch all the others for yourself if you like. Just know that Dennis Erickson benched Burfict for his behavior on the field last season. And now he's going to be the leader on defense? So, eventually, the discussion amongst us turned to possible headlines we may see about Arizona State next season, and they were too good not so share with the rest of you.

Just remember that it's all in good fun. So, here you go.

Week 4: "Arizona State falls to USC; Matt Barkley unsure whether he'll press charges"

Week 6: "Utah announces its return to Mountain West after victory over Arizona State"

Week 7: "Devils embracing Burfect leadership; Oregon assistant to be released from hospital tonight"

Week 8: "Chicago gang decides to stop wearing Arizona State merchandise following visit from Vontaze Burfict on Devils' bye week"

Week 10: "Sun Devils stand behind Burfict, say hospitalized umpire 'had it coming'"

Week 12: "Devils refuse to give up hostages, ATF says cafeteria 'impregnable" for time being"

January 2012: "NCAA unanimously approves 'Burfict Rule'"

So, as you can see, it should be an interesting season at Arizona State.

Posted on: November 29, 2010 11:05 am
 

Notre Dame cheats way to victory

Posted by Tom Fornelli




That photo is one of the final plays in what was seemingly Notre Dame's first victory over USC since the Carter administration.  As you can see in the photo, Notre Dame's offense is in the victory formation, getting ready to kneel to kill the final few seconds and move on to victory.

Which is very nice for the Irish, but look a little closer to the picture.  Do you notice anything strange going on?  Something, a bit out of the ordinary? Maybe even, against the rules?  Look closer.



Yes, that's right.  Notre Dame cheated its way to victory on Saturday night, in front of millions of Americans.  The Irish had 12 men on the field during the final kneel downs of the game, and nary a penalty was called.  Had it been, the Trojans obviously would have gotten a safety to cut the lead to 20-18, and then had a big return on the ensuing kick, before nailing a game-winning field goal in the final seconds.

The Trojans and Lane Kiffin were robbed of a victory by Brian Kelly and his evil band of Golden Domers, along with the referees that were clearly on the payroll.

Will nothing stop them?
Posted on: November 9, 2010 11:14 am
Edited on: November 9, 2010 11:15 am
 

The sordid past of Cam Newton

Posted by Tom Fornelli

Over the last few days, we've learned quite a bit about Auburn quarterback Cam Newton.  First the news broke last week about the NCAA investigation into Newton's recruitment after he left Florida following an incident in which he stole a laptop, and now the news that Newton cheated while enrolled in Gainesville.

Dark secrets indeed, but they merely scratch the surface.  I did some digging of my own, utilizing my many sources throughout the college football world and public school system of College Park, Georgia.  What I uncovered during my investigation will chill you to the bone.

This is just some of what I learned.

 - While in the second grade, Newton checked the book Where The Wild Things Are out from the College Park Public Library.  He returned the book two weeks late, and refused to pay the 25 cents in late fees.

 - While in the third grade, a classmate alleged that Newton stole his chocolate milk during lunch.  Two other students saw him do it, but lunch room officials never found evidence of the stolen milk, and Newton did not serve any detention.

 - In the fifth grade, Newton's class was told to make a diarama about a book they read.  Newton had chosen The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, and turned in a diarama of Huck and Tom Sawyer sailing down the Mississippi River.  It was very well done, and while there was suspicion that his parents may have helped him, it was never proven.  He received a B+.

 - When Newton was 13 he stole a Snickers bar on a dare from some friends from the local convenience store.  He was caught by the proprietor, who then called the police to teach Newton a lesson.  The police then made Newton pay for the candy bar before taking him home to his parents.  Newton was grounded for a week.

 - Three years later, at the age of 16, Newton returned to the same convenience store to get some Gatorade.  The total for his purchase was $1.26.  Newton only had a quarter on him, and didn't want to break another dollar.  Thankfully there was a "Take a penny, leave a penny" tray on the counter.  Newton only needed one penny, but he took three.

These are just some of the stories I learned in my investigation.  Clearly, Cam Newton is a monster that needs to be stopped.  Hopefully somebody can stop him before he strikes again.

 
 
 
 
The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com