Posted on: October 24, 2012 11:12 am

Cam Newton at 23

You should compare the 23 year old Cam Newton to how these quarterbacks were doing at 23:

- Eli Manning was 1-6, and had major problems calling a game.  He would get to the line with 20 seconds left on the clock, and take 30 seconds to make his adjustments.  He simply did not have the mental capacity at 23 to be an NFL quarterback
- Matthew Stafford's second year he could only stay healthy for 3 games.  Multiple multiple arm injuries put a major cloud over his future
- Ron Mexico at 23 played 4 games, got his coach fired, and wasn't allowed to throw the ball
- Carson Palmer didn't start an NFL game until he was 25
- Drew Bledsoe at 23:  13 TDs, 16 ints, 11 fumbles
- Troy Aikman at 23 was 0-11
- John Elway completed 47% of his passes on a losing team
- Terry Bradshaw's numbers make Ryan Leaf look competent
- Drew Brees looked so good the Chargers drafted Rivers
- Aaron Rodgers and Philip Rivers weren't even playing
- Kurt Warner was an Iowa Barnstormer
- Tom Brady was 3rd string
- Tony Romo was 4th string
- Brent Farve was a fat drunk lazy alcoholic who had just been traded
- Johnny Unitas, arguably the greatest quarterback player to ever play the game - had just been cut, and was backing up George Shaw (who?)

Compared to some of the greatest quarterbacks today and in history, Cam Newton's 23 year old second season compares VERY well
Posted on: October 18, 2012 10:06 am

Elected officials

Remember dummies, your not just voting for the President.  There are 26 other elected officials (at least for me, your results may vary) - plus referendums

  1. President
  2. Governor
  3. Lieutenant Governor
  4. Auditor General
  5. Attorney General
  6. State Treasurer
  7. Senate
  8. House of Representatives
  9. County Executive
  10. County Controller
  11. County Treasurer
  12. County Council
  13. County Sheriff
  14. Mayor
  15. City Council
  16. Controller
  17. School Board
  18. Sheriff
  19. Constable
  20. State Supreme Court
  21. State Superior Court
  22. State Commonwealth Court
  23. CountyJudge
  24. District Magistrate
  25. District Attorney
  26. Ward Chair (primary only)
  27. Random referendums
Posted on: January 4, 2012 3:27 pm
Edited on: January 4, 2012 3:31 pm

French military history

The Complete Military History of France

- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. [Or at this time in history, a Roman]

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering the war late -ed.]. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

- Norse invasions, 841-911.
- After having their way with the French for 70 years, the Norse are bribed by a French King named Charles the Simple (really!) who gave them Normandy in return for peace. Normans proceed to become just about the only positive military bonus in France's favor for next 500 years.

- Mexico, 1863-1864.
- France attempts to take advantage of Mexico's weakness following its thorough thrashing by the U.S. 20 years earlier ("Halls of Montezuma"). Not surprisingly, the only unit to distinguish itself is the French Foreign Legion (consisting of, by definition, non-Frenchmen). Booted out of the country a little over a year after arrival.

- Panama jungles 1881-1890.
- No one but nature to fight, France still loses; canal is eventually built by the U.S. 1904-1914.

- Napoleonic Wars.
- Should be noted that the Grand Armee was largely (~%50) composed of non-Frenchmen after 1804 or so. Mainly disgruntled minorities and anti-monarchists. Not surprisingly, these performed better than the French on many occasions.

- Haiti, 1791-1804.
-French defeated by rebellion after sacrificing 4,000 Poles to yellow fever. Shows another rule of French warfare; when in doubt, send an ally.

- India, 1673-1813.
- British were far more charming than French, ended up victors. Therefore the British are well known for their tea, and the French for their whine (er, wine...). Ensures 200 years of bad teeth in England.

- Barbary Wars, middle ages-1830.
- Pirates in North Africa continually harass European shipping in Mediterranean. France's solution: pay them to leave us alone. America's solution: kick their asses ("the Shores of Tripoli"). [America's] first overseas victories, won 1801-1815.

- 1798-1801, Quasi-War with U.S.
- French privateers (semi-legal pirates) attack U.S. shipping. U.S. fights France at sea for 3 years; French eventually cave; sets precedent for next 200 years of Franco-American relations.

- Moors in Spain, late 700s-early 800s.
- Even with Charlemagne leading them against an enemy living in a hostile land, French are unable to make much progress. Hide behind Pyrenees until the modern day.

- 1208: Albigenses Crusade, French massacared by French.
- When asked how to differentiate a heretic from the faithful, response was "Kill them all. God will know His own." Lesson: French are badasses when fighting unarmed men, women and children.

- St. Bartholomew Day Massacre, August 24, 1572.
- Once again, French-on-French slaughter.

- Third Crusade.
- Philip Augustus of France throws hissy-fit, leaves Crusade for Richard the Lion Heart to finish.

- Seventh Crusade.
- St. Louis of France leads Crusade to Egypt. Resoundingly crushed.

- [Eighth] Crusade.
- St. Louis back in action, this time in Tunis. See Seventh Crusade.

- Seven year War 1756-1763
- Lost: after getting hammered by Frederick the Great of Prussia (yep, the Germans again) at Rossbach, the French were held off for the remainder of the War by Frederick of Brunswick and a hodge-podge army including some Brits. War also saw France kicked out of Canada (Wolfe at Quebec) and India (Clive at Plassey).


Category: Tour de France
Tags: losers
Posted on: October 4, 2011 9:59 am
Edited on: January 30, 2012 11:14 am

Stupid stuff I hear from broadcasters

This will be a running tally of stupid shit broadcasters say

- "I love to see big bodies banging" - John Gruden
- "Michael Vick is terrible" - Bill Cowher
- "Auburn is 8-0 when both Cadillac Williams and Ronnie Brown rush for 100 yards" - Auburn was 11-0 at the time, making this the most useless statistic I've ever heard
- "If there was a vote in Minnesota right now, he'd get all ten thousand votes.  One for each lake" - Al Michaels during Christian Ponder's debut
- "Now he'd only get ninety six hundred votes" - Al Michaels after Christian Ponder's first incompletion
- "They need to get Reggie Bush in space?!?  Reggie Bush needs to get himself in space!  You're in space!!!!  Outer space!" - John Gruden freaking out on Ron Jaworski
- "Watch him squirt through the hole... and unLOAD!" - John Gruden, being gay over Maurice Jones-Drew
- "The running back is really important in this offense because they put a lot of pressure on him to run" - Phil Simms
- "I fell in love with this guy" - Brian Billick being gay over Patrick Peterson
- LSU quarterback throws the ball 30 yards to an LSU receiver for a completion - "and its.... INTERCEPTED!!!!" - Verne Lundquist
- "I like James Starks because he's a guy who can come in and make things happen" - Kordell Stewart talking about an uncoming Packers Lions game.  James Starks had already been ruled out with a knee sprain
- "Joe Flacco is as mobile as any quarterback in the league right now" - Chirs Collinsworth
- Brent Musberger on Joe Paterno:  "Noone, other than the kids who were molested, felt worse about it than he did" 
- "In the last 10 years, UConn and Pitt are tied with 6 Big East Championships a piece"

Category: NFL
Posted on: September 29, 2011 3:52 pm

NFL all-injury team

QB – Chad Pennington
QB – Matthew Stafford
HB – Priest Holmes
HB – Fragile Fred Taylor
FB – John Ritchie (always bleeding)
WR – Anthony Gonzalez
WR – Danario Alexander
WR – Javon Walker
TE – Todd Heap
TE – Jeremy Shockey (yahoo sports once updated his injury status by calling him a “constipated geriatric”)
LT – Orlando Pace, the later years
LG – Robert Gallery
C – Mike Webster (declared legally handicapped while still playing for the Chiefs)
RG – Mike Utley (3 major injuries before breaking his neck)
RT – Erik Williams
DE – John Abraham
DE – Steve Emtman
DT – Tommie Harris
DT – Bryant Young
OLB – Peter Bowlware
OLB – Ernie Sims
MLB – Brian Urlacher
CB – Terrance Newman
CB – Marlin Jackson
FS – Mike Brown
SS – Bob Sanders
K – Bill Gramatica
P – Daniel Sepulveda
KR – Jerious Norwood
LS – Greg Warren (the only injury that ever made me ill watching it – Warren is walking off the field under his own power, and his leg goes SIDEWAYS at the knee.  Gross!)

Posted on: August 10, 2011 10:06 am

Mike Shanahan without John Elway

It is said that Mike Shanahan couldn't win without John Elway.  People who say that are idiots.

Mike Shanahan made Brian Griese, Jake Plummer, and Jay Cutler look like good quarterbacks

The Broncos went 11-5 and sent Brian Griese to the Probowl in 2000
The Broncos went 13-3 and sent Jake Plummer to the Probowl in 2005
The Broncos went 8-8 and sent Jay Cutler to the Probowl in 2008

Shanahan was also:
4-0 with Bubby Brister
2-1 with Chris Miller
4-3 with Gus Frerotte
2-3 with Steve Beuerlein
0-2 with Danny Kanell
0-1 with Jarious Jackson

That is a record of 12-10 with BACKUP QUARTERBACKS

So please, never ever EVER say that Mike Shanahan sucked after John Elway again.  Or I will have to e-punch you in your e-face.

Posted on: August 2, 2011 10:22 am

The Steelers way

In 1973, the Steelers starting defensive tackle went on a shooting rampage, shooting at random passing trucks on the Ohio Turnpike.  When the police arrived, he began shooting at them as well, leading them on a high speed chase.  One police officer was wounded by his gunfire.

Upon his arrest, Saint Rooney paid his bail, paid for his lawyer, and started him week one the following season.

THAT is the Steeler way
Posted on: August 2, 2011 10:18 am

The adventures of Ben Roethlisberger

- raped an ugly woman in Reno
- raped a woman in Las Vegas
- raped a fat girl in Milledgeville
- sexually assaulted a woman at his Georgia house
- buys underage girls alcohol
- "All my bitches, take some shots!"
- driving a motorcycle without a motorcycle license
- driving a motorcycle without a helmet
- bashing his face off a Chrysler
- continuing to ride a motorcycle without a helmet after faceplanting off a Chrysler
- improper use of police officers
- improper use of the "Don't you know who I am?" line
- the mullet mohawk
- fat
- somehow got himself banned from a Steelers bar
- terrible tipper
- terrible teammate
- terrible person
The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or