Vengeance

As a result, the Celts dominated halftime, scoring 21 unanswered points and taking a 3 point lead as the game resumed. The Orlando crowd booed heavily as they scored bucket after bucket without opposition and watched the Magic lead slip away.

"Well, I thought about taking them into the locker room and giving them an inspirational speech to get back into this thing," said head coach Doc Rivers. "But I said, maybe staying out here will be the best way to do that instead. Sure enough, it worked and we were able to come from behind and get a victory because of it."

The Magic said they will focus on their halftime play before the next game in Boston.

"Halftime has been our worst period for scoring this whole season," said Dwight Howard. "This still seems like cheating to me, but I guess we should have stayed out there on the court when we saw them continue playing even after the buzzer."

Big Baby Davis says he is confident his team can take down any other at the half.

"Look, do whatever you want in that locker room," he said. "Drink some Gatorade, say a prayer, get taped up. We'll be out here on the court dunking on your ass."

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"We've had some conversations with him, and it sounds like he isn't ready to just retire from sports talk radio and the lead story on Sportscenter just yet," said anchor Mike Greenberg. "Every time he turns on the TV, and we aren't talking about Favre unretiring, he gets that itch to come on back. We believe we'll still be able to sign him for an entire offseason of speculation and debate."

Radio hosts say Favre's headlines will be able to start right away once he gives them the word. They say they have nothing else to talk about right now, as they aren't about to devote entire shows to NBA playoff talk. Any taste of the NFL and they'll take it. Favre has yet to make a decision, but he says he feels he has several more months of quality headlines left in him. There are still 29 teams he hasn't considered unretiring to yet.

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So far this season he has delivered in the cleanup role for Boston, hitting .324 with 9 homers and 34 RBIs. But Bay hasn't been without a strange personality of his own, one the Boston faithful are having to adjust to like the man before.

"Jason has done some very strange things so far," said longtime fan Jim Creely. "Yesterday he hits a homerun, and then just drops his bat and goes to first base. He didn't stand there and watch it for 10 seconds, point at the pitcher, or even thump his chest! That's not how left fielders act here in Boston! But, that's just Bay being Bay! He's so crazy, but you've got to just accept it because he's such a great hitter."

Jim also questioned Jason's catching of a fly ball and then simply throwing it back to the infield. His son wanted to know why Bay didn't high five a fan, do a spin, or throw off his hat before catching the ball. He had to explain that Bay was just an eccentric sports personality, and that his son should never behave like that on the field. That's just Bay being Bay...

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"These bastards just can't help rubbing it in our faces that they are the better species," said longtime human Marshall Gilbert. "We are so much faster than you, we can digest grass and hay, and hooves are so much better than feet. I'm tired of hearing about it. It's bad enough they are taking all our jobs, they don't have to do something like this to relish their dominance every year."

Indeed, the horseism has spread all over the country in these tough economic times. After American car companies laid off a large portion of their workers over the past decade in favor of horse laborers, many speculate that it led to a direct decline in the quality of their products. One horse spokesman said "In no way would we be deliberately sabotaging the quality of a product that itself made horses obsolete over 100 years ago...No...We would never do something like that..."

Over 140,000 people attended this year's 135rd Kentucky Derby, to watch and appease the race that may one day be our animal overlords. As is tradition, each horse participating in the race strapped a small puny human to his back, as proof that they could not possibly complete the course on their own feet.

"Look, I think we all know Americans are probably ready now to elect a horse as President," said Gilbert. "Once that happens, we're going to see a lot of anti-human laws go into effect. So, we better just start sucking up to them now."

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"I don't know how to deal with this man," said quarterback Tony Romo. "People actually hurt by falling debris...usually it's just people who have our players on their fantasy teams who suffer. This is rough. I want to give out my condolences to those injured in the collapse. I promise you that this will be nothing compared to what kinds of letdowns we have planned for the upcoming season. People think we are going to be better because we got rid of all our trouble makers, but we'll show them they haven't seen anything yet."

Jerry Jones issued a statement to the families of those affected by the tragedy, saying he only tries to build teams that are made to collapse, not buildings.

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But her editors reveal that she may be out of good A-Rod stories to tell. Sources inside SI reveal that her latest pieces, "A-Rod Has Alien Baby With Queen Of Marxuus 11" and "Rodriquez Ate Cal Ripken To Absorb His Shortstop Power" are a bit of a stretch, even for them.

"I am still a great sportswriter, and I will prove to these doubters that there are still scandals out there I have no yet accused him of," fired back Roberts. "I spent all day going through books about baseball cheating, and I think I've found a few more of these I can get to stick on him. If you thought steroids were wild, wait until you hear about his spitballs when he turns a double play."

Her editors then suggested to Roberts that maybe she try to write about something other than A-Rod, but her response was "I don't understand what that means..."

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• Arizona Cardinals: They managed to pick up LaRod Stephens-Howling in round seven, and they got an athlete who can immediately compete with Maurice Jones-Drew for best hyphenated name in league. The Raiders pick of Darrius Heyward-Bey at number seven was too high for such an untested hyphen.
  H For Hyphenation Domination

• Atlanta Falcons: They went defense heavy in their draft picks, 7 of 8 of them were defensive players, which is good because this team runs a defensive formation quite a bit. They love it so much they use a defensive formation every time the other team comes out on offense. Good choices for that scheme.
  D For Defense Is Half The Battle, G.I. Joe!

• Baltimore Ravens: Traded four picks to the New England Patriots in exchange for 3 of theirs. They gave them a first and a fifth for the Pats first round pick and a fourth and a sixth for two fifth rounders. Even though it was less picks overall, and they only gained a few spots of positioning in that first round, they got three New England Patriots picks! And everyone knows those are always the best ones.
  I For It Must Be The Picks

• Buffalo Bills: A very disappointing bunch of players selected by the Bills. Yes, they are all very talented individuals who scouts agree have a lot of upside. But they are now all going to play for the Buffalo Bills, and we know how that usually turns out.
  A For Any Bills Draft Class Is A Bad Draft Class

• Carolina Panthers: The Panthers got a Corvey Irvin from Georgia in the third round, but I don't think he's going to be able to fit well into their system. They are panthers, fierce jungle cats, and he is a Georgia Bulldog. Dogs and cats do not mesh well together in a defensive backfield, everybody knows that. They also got a seminole indian, a gamecock, and an anthropomorphic orange. I don't see any chemistry between these mascots whatsoever.
  C For Cats And Dogs, Living Together, Mass Hysteria!

• Chicago Bears: Their draft has to be termed a success, because they avoided any of the mistakes they have made in past drafts, mainly they didn't take anyone named Rex Grossman. They might finally be ready to turn this thing around.
  G For Goodbye Grossman

• Cincinnati Bengals: Cincinnati drafted extremely well, and went after just the positions they are weakest at...Which is, of course, all of them.
  N For Not On Our Team Means Better Than Anyone Actually On Our Team

• Cleveland Browns: The Browns traded down three seperate times in the draft for lower picks. If I had been responsible for their previous draft day decisions, I would be a little antsy about actually making a pick too.
  P For Picking Scares Me

• Dallas Cowboys: They got an insane twelve picks this year, and used them to fill up a lot of holes on both sides of the ball. They got some new linebackers and defensive ends to use in their 3-4 scheme, and they even picked up a kicker in the fifth round who will help them transition to their innovative new 3-4-1 scheme with a kicker thrown in the backfield just in case something needs to be kicked immediately.
  O For Offenses Better Start Wearing A Cup

• Denver Broncos: Well, they lost their quarterback in the offseason to Chicago, so naturally they will use one of their first picks to get a new one...RB, LB, CB, FS...still looking...TE, WR...Oh! There is is, in the 6th round they picked up someone called Tom Brandstater. I'm sure that will work wonderfully.
  B For Brandstater To The Rescue

• Detroit Lions: They got a great pick in Matthew Stafford and for the first time in many years, draft experts had positive things to say about their selections. All they had to do to finally accomplish this was lose all 16 games last year. If they can just do that for another 4-5 seasons, they might finally put together a team that doesn't lose by 30 points every Thanksgiving.
  P For Please Give Us A New Turkey Day Team

• Green Bay Packers: B.J. Raji, their first round selection, was reported to have failed a drug test at the combine. It was apparently untrue, but the Packers had already made their decision. They want this player who can hopefully finally make their team somewhat cool after having an old white dude who sells blue jeans as the face of their franchise for 17 years.
  J For Jeans Just Aren't Very Cool

• Houston Texans: They picked up a tight end in the fourth round and then took another tight end less than thirty picks later in the fifth round. Sometimes you just have to give up and call a player a bust before you even get to the next round. Sorry Anthony Hill, it's time to go in a new direction this round.
  T For Tight End City, Texas

• Indianapolis Colts: You don't even need to really look at the names on the Indianapolis Colts draft board. Whoever they are, it seems they always turn out good.
Who Cares How We Drafted, We're The Colts


• Jacksonville Jaguars: The Jags picked up nearly 1200 pounds of man in the first three rounds. That's even more than Denver, and they had five selections just in the first and second. Their plan is obviously to destroy the food reserves of any city they visit by eating everything in sight.
  H For Hide The Food

• Kansas City Chiefs: They got a good punter in Ryan Succop in the seventh who can challenge starter Dustin Colquitt for the job. Everyone always loves a preseason open punting competition, and punting will be the only way the Chiefs will be getting the ball down the field this season with the roster they have, so this job is the most important.
  P For Punts Are What It's All About

They started the year with Tony Romo as team captain, but his heavily tails favoring coin calls led to the other team choosing which side they wanted each and every game. They made a switch late in the season to Jason Witten, but he fared no better. The coaching staff made coin tosses the focus of voluntary minicamps this offseason, with an entire week spent on practicing flipping coins in the air, making sure they know how to say both "heads" and "tails", and learning the history of minted coins in general.

But the Cowboys management decided it was time to go in a new direction at the position of team captain and drafted McGee, a tough coin guesser from the Big 12 Conference. Mel Kiper said McGee is a bold leader, who takes charge during a coin toss and makes sure there is no doubt about which side he is picking. He is expected to come in and start right away, and could make a huge impact for these Cowboys chances of deferring kickoffs.

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