Posted on: December 30, 2008 9:13 am
Edited on: December 30, 2008 10:34 am

Cardinals Mistakenly Fire Head Coach Out Of Habit

Arizona Cardinals owner William Bidwell announced today that head coach Ken Whisenhunt has been fired, despite the team winning their division for the first time in 30 years. "Oops," said Bidwell in an official statement on the matter. "It appears I had set up a reminder in my Outlook a couple years back to fire our head coach one day after the regular season ended and set it to repeat every year. It's usually been a great reminder year after year, and so when it popped up today I just started the firing paperwork out of habit.

"I am truly grateful for the work Ken has done to turn around this ship, but there is no reversing what has happened here. Since the lawyers have finalized the paperwork there is nothing I can do. I also mistakenly booked the stadium for a monster truck show during our first round playoff game. I usually get to work renting this place out in a hurry after the season is over, and I seem to have made a scheduling snafu there. But, the NFL says that the game must be played under any circumstances except for life-threatening weather, so we'll just have to hope that Grave Digger is on our side."

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Posted on: December 16, 2008 9:47 am
Edited on: December 16, 2008 9:54 am

Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • There is no way Oakland's dastardly plan of assassinating Matt Cassel's father in order to finally get a win can come back to haunt them...
  • Word has it that Tarvaris Jackson made a magical Christmas wish to be a real quarterback, just for one day.
  • The Houston Texans may be eliminated from playoff contention at 6-7, but in their game against the Tennessee Titans they can continue to play spoiler as they have in recent weeks...to their own draft order position.
  • The best part of the Sunday Night Football opening video has to be the segment where Tony Romo, Jason Witten, and Terrell Owens are together in a bar eating popcorn, smiling away. This was obviously shot at the beginning at the season, when the three of them could actually get along well enough to go out to bars together...and then go home and have some good old sex together.
  • Watch out Ravens, word has it the Sony HD instant replay cameras are big Steelers fans.
  • A moment of silence is being held at each NFL stadium today before their games, so that everyone in attendance can honor the brave men and women in the Seattle and St. Louis media markets, who have to sit through their awful 2-11 versus 2-11 matchup.
  • The BCS voters are impressed with the Indianapolis Colts recent winning streak, but they aren't going to be happy that they scheduled a lowly Division II program, the Detroit Lions, in the midst of their playoff run.
  • You have to love the Levi's ads where guys do crazy backflips and jumps off of things into a pair of jeans. I think that ABC made the wrong choice in making a TV show out of the Geico caveman commercials instead of these. Just imagine, cop-lawyer-doctors who have the special ability of jumping into pants at any time...I'd watch that.
  • San Diego fans have been very vocal about how disappointing their Chargers have been this season. Word has it out of Kansas City, the Chiefs are getting tired of all this talk and plan on showing the residents of SD what disappointing really is.
  • Some of the Buffalo receivers are very angry that J.P. Losman is very good friends with the Jets defense. He even has some special plays he has been working on with them where he throws them the ball, we'll see if these make it into the game.
  • The Toyotathon of Toyotathons has been a much more successful promotion than last month's Toyotathon of Shitty Car Deals.
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Posted on: December 16, 2008 9:33 am
Edited on: December 16, 2008 9:54 am

Detroit Lions Coach Tells Team Not To Lose Focus

Detroit Lions head coach Rod Marinelli has told his team not to get comfortable as it gets close to the first 0-16 season in NFL history. Many in the media have speculated that maybe the embarassment of being completely winless, or the notion of playing spoiler to a team still in contention, could motivate the Lions to actually play well in the coming weeks. But Marinelli quickly reminded them not to forget the 2007 Dolphins, who were cruising along to 0-16 until them met a Ravens team that cared less about winning than they did.

"There are a lot of teams this time of year that just don't have the desire to play a tough game," said Marinelli. "We can't forget that we have lacked that desire all season, and we can't stop not caring now. I'm just trying to keep our eyes on the prize. All week I have had them practicing missed tackles, ridiculous fumbles, badly run routes. We can't let up on what has got us to this point so far."

"I can't believe this thing might really happen," said longtime Lions fan Dan Burgos. "I never thought I would live to see something as wonderful as my hometown team getting the first ever 0-16 record. We're going to be in the history books! And I will be there at their final game so that I can celebrate it with the rest of Detroit by throwing beer and trash down on them as they come off the field."

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Posted on: December 16, 2008 9:18 am
Edited on: December 16, 2008 9:55 am

Best AFL Players Struggling To Find Other Work

The Arena Football League announced today that the 2009 season has been canceled, despite reports last week that it was still a go. Sources inside the 22-year-old AFL cite the current economic climate as the chief reason for the cancellation of the season.

Admittedly, the indoor league did not have the greatest talent across all its 17 teams. But there were some defensive all-stars that are now looking for work in the NFL and finding it surprisingly hard to come by. Perennial all-star Kenny McEntyre, defensive specialist for the Orlando Predators, has found interest from teams slim despite only allowing 47 touchdowns last year. He also made 7 tackles last season, an amazing .4 per game.

"I don't know who wouldn't want me on their roster," said McEntyre. "Our defense held opposing teams to under 60 points per game, and we did it with only 8 players. Imagine what I could do with 11! I don't want to keep harping on just how dominant our defense was last year, but we kept opponents out of the endzone a staggering 2% of the time! Teams would never know if their current drive could be that one in fifty that we stopped, and it was that uncertainty that made us fearsome. I have also played in front of some really hostile crowds. If you think a bunch of overweight middle aged white guys who paid 100 dollars per ticket are bad, you should see the kinds of fans that come into AFL stadiums when the tickets are only $4.95."

It is unknown if any NFL team will give a shot to this defensive standout, but if not McEntyre has an alternative position as Chief Drive Through Specialist at a local Wendy's. He says it is not as fun as arena football, but he does make quite a bit more money.

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Posted on: December 11, 2008 9:38 am
Edited on: December 11, 2008 9:45 am

Writer Fired For Lack Of Anti-BCS Articles

Dave McDougle, a college football writer from CBS Sports was fired earlier this week for a decided lack of anti-BCS articles written over the past few years. Despite what should be the basis of all his articles after week one of the BCS standings being released, the writer had only 3 stories talking about his disdain for the BCS sytem in the last half decade.

The head editor of CBSSports.com was interviewed about the decision to terminate the employee and he expressed no regret over the firing.

"Look, this is what people want to read about," said the editor. "They want to hear about how corrupt the bowl system is, and how they will never change because of the money. They want to read proposals for a college football playoff, and see fake bracket upon fake bracket of what it would look like if a playoff happened today. I mean, he wrote an article about Oregon last week! They aren't even in the top 10 or the SEC! That is completely unacceptable."

McDougle defended his work, saying that he thought his colleagues were doing enough listing of reasons why Texas is getting screwed out of the national title game, and how unfair the system is to undefeated non-BCS conference schools. But apparently that was not the case. He tried to quickly type up a conceptually overused Heisman hopeful list to save face, but the decision to let him go had already come down from the top.

"I hope he's learned his lesson," said the head CBS editor. "Maybe at his next job he will realize that he needs to state the opinion that everyone in the country has, on a weekly basis, despite the fact that everyone is doing the same and the system is likely never to change. That is how you become a college football writer."

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Posted on: December 11, 2008 9:20 am
Edited on: December 11, 2008 9:46 am

Plaxico Still Not Talking To Hand After Shooting

Plaxico Burress is still not on speaking terms with his right hand, two weeks after it shot him in a night club with his own gun. Before the incident, Burress had listed his right hand as his favorite body part on his NYGiants.com bio page, followed closely by his left kidney and his "massive shlong". But since the shooting, the two have not spoke or even seen each other, as they both learn to deal with the aftermath of the tragedy.

"I wear a glove on him now," said Plaxico in a sit-down for Real Sports With Brian Gumbel. "I get laughed at for looking like Michael Jackson, but I can't bear to see that hand again. Not after what he did to me. We used to do all kinds of things together. I'd drink a beer with him, brush my teeth using him, I'd even use him to play halo. But now I only use the left. You should see what my kill-death ratio in Halo is now...It's horrible. I miss him, but I just can't get over what happened. I even masturbate with my left hand now. It's not as good as he was, but at least I don't have to worry about it shooting me while we are in the act."

Plaxico's hand was remorseful for the accident. "I didn't know it would happen," said his right hand. "If I could go back in time, I would take it back in an instant. But, what's done is done, and I feel like I have lost my friend forever. We used to be inseparable, like we were joined at the wrist. I hope that one day we can be together again. I hope that one day he can forgive me for what I have done."

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Posted on: December 9, 2008 10:11 am
Edited on: December 9, 2008 10:18 am

My Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • The Saints might not look all that good on either side of the football this season, but they are great at one thing, and that's peeing. 4 of their players even risked a suspension so that they could use a banned diuretic for even better peeing. That is urination dedication, and since their suspension was lifted for this game I predict lots of bathroom use at the Superdome.
  • The Giants are going to light up the scoreboard against an Eagles team who seems to be about out of the playoff picture. Look for this one to be over by halftime.
  • The Cincinnati Bengals have a good chance to play spoiler this week against the Indianapolis Colts...They can spoil the chances for the Colts fans of watching a competitive game for which they paid $60-$200 dollars to see. "You suckers, didn't you see the CIN on the schedule when you bought these?" -Marvin Lewis
  • Poor Tom Jackson, now on Monday Night Countdown the only people they can get to do their completely pointless re-enactment of plays on that fake studio field with him are video game generated players. He must be quite an asshole.
  • It's an exciting weekend in the NFL, as Toronto finally gets a chance to check out why Buffalo no longer wants the Bills to play in the same country as them anymore.
  • Dallas is remaining in contention for a playoff spot because Tony Romo does not turn the ball over. That will be the difference this week as they pull of a big win over the Steelers.
  • It's going to be interesting to see if 3rd string quarterback Ken Dorsey can be as horrible as Brady Quinn and Derek Anderson have been for the Browns, after both went down with injuries. The only reason Browns fans still go to games is so they can have fun booing the QB, so he better not disappoint and throw some touchdowns.
  • New England just doesn't have the comeback ability they did last year. If they get behind against a team, especially one they should be whipping up on, they don't have the mental fortitude to come through it.
  • I keep hearing about companies that are going under in the current recession we are going through. I can only hope that one of them is that fake Progressive Direct Car Insurance store where the annoying lady with too much makeup makes bad jokes and gives people boxes of car insurance.
  • Oakland fans get to witness the first ever football game in 3-D. They can now watch their team fumble and throw interceptions that leap right off the screen and into their living room.
  • If the Lions get a lead and a chance to avoid being the first 0-16 team in history, you can be sure they will not blow it to a backup quarterback who got benched for an 80 year old Gus Frerotte...
  • You can stop right now Kay Jewelers, you have been taunting us men with all these overly romantic and creative marriage proposals for years that have made or will make our real ones look like a crap sandwich. We know you are probably run by a bunch of rich men, and you are supposed to be on our side here. Would it be too much to ask for a realistic commercial with an asshole who refuses to commit to a ring because he still wants to play the field and see if he has a shot with the secretary at work? Something to help us out a little for a chance please...
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Posted on: December 9, 2008 9:55 am
Edited on: December 9, 2008 10:20 am

Bowl Organizers Banish Notre Dame Out Of U.S.

After barely limping into bowl contention with a 6-6 record, the country has decided that the only place that Notre Dame will be allowed to play in college football's postseason is Hawaii.

"We felt that by giving them an invitation to play here we could keep them as far away as possible from the rest of the country," said head Hawaii Bowl organizer Rich Bradshaw. "We hope that by flying them out here we can isolate the damage that their bad play can cause during the holidays. We have them going up against the equally disappointing Hawaii University, so that should ensure absolutely no one will care about this game. The bowl will take place on Christmas Eve though, so there is the possibility that someone could accidentally flip onto the channel drunk on eggnog, and hence ruin their entire Christmas. But, hopefully that won't happen."

The country has been plagued by Notre Dame's football play all season, as their games are still for some reason televised on NBC.

"For once, I can say that I would rather watch Matlock reruns on a Saturday afternoon than football," said fan Chris Bythewood. "But instead a network is showing this Notre Dame nonsense when they are sitting on perfectly good episodes of America's Funniest Videos. I could be watching fathers getting accidentally hit in the balls in various ways by their kids right now!"

The residents of Hawaii are preparing for the arrival of Notre Dame. Emergency shelters have been opened up for 15 miles around the stadium, to prepare for those who can't ride out the horrible play in their own homes. Residents are boarding up their windows to make sure that no Fighting Irish players can somehow sneak into their houses. Pineapple farmers have been asked to increase their crop yield by 30% in anticipation of the arrival of Charlie Weis. The national guard is even at the ready to make sure that all football playing by Notre Dame is contained to the stadium. They don't want any pickup games taking place in the parking lot that could result in hundreds of innocent bystanders being exposed to their play.

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The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com