Posted on: April 10, 2008 2:30 pm
Edited on: April 10, 2008 2:31 pm

Favre Sets Up Emergency Quarterback Hotline

Brett Favre said in an interview yesterday that he would not rule out returning to the Green Bay Packers next season if they should be ravaged by injuries and need an emergency quarterback. "I don't think it would be out of the question that they could talk me into coming back to the field," said Favre in an interview. "Although I'm retired and might be just a little too old to play this game the way I used to, this arm still is ready to throw."

Favre is so eager to help out should anyone need an emergency quarterback, he has set up an emergency QB hotline at 1-888-DUBESTQB. "If anyone needs a QB for a special situation I'll be there 24 hours a day. Let's say maybe a buddy forgot it was his wife's birthday and can't make your touch football game, just give me a call. Perhaps your new bride sprained her throwing arm and can't toss the bouquet, I'll be there to throw that shit. Maybe you locked yourself out of your apartment, and don't want to call a boring old locksmith. It has been proven I can throw a football through solid concrete, and I can get you back into that house in style."

The hotline has already come under controversy as being a fake, as Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis announced to reporters. "This hotline is not working. We have tried calling it several times in the past 24 hours and each time have gotten a message about our number being blocked. I don't think Favre really set this up, and if he did he is not providing the emergency QB service he said he would, as there is no one more in need of one than us."

Favre addressed the concerns of Davis in a talk with reporters. "I may have blocked a few numbers from calling the hotline in the cities of Miami, Atlanta, and Oakland. But, that has nothing to do with their teams, uh, I swear. As for the hotline, I'm going to have to ask you only call it if you need a quarterback. I'm getting lots of calls from Wisconsin during emergencies such as someone breaking into a home or car accidents. These types of situations can not be solved by a long bomb, and you are better off calling 9-1-1. Thank you."


Posted on: April 9, 2008 2:43 pm
Edited on: April 9, 2008 2:45 pm

Cousin Matty Looks To Take Over Family From Big G

"I'm gonna make Gene an offer he can't refuse," stated Matt Stover, kicker for the Baltimore Ravens and the man who wants control of the NFL Player's Association. "Too long have we been playing under the old rules with Gene as head of the NFLPA family. It's time for a new boss to take over."

Cousin Matty, as he is called within the family, is lobbying to be the new head of the organization so that someone else can oversee the negotiations of the labor contract that is about to expire. It's expected Upshaw will cancel the current contract after the 2009 season, which will void the salary cap and open up some problems with the league's financials. "Big Gene been making deals with the wrong types of characters," continued Cousin Matty. "If he thinks that's going to be tolerated here in the family, he is mistaken. I've got some guys together and we think it may be time for him to step down, either through the easy way or the hard way. I don't wanna make any threats here, but let's just say if he doesn't play his cards right he could get whacked, by my kicking foot into his balls."

"Cousin Matty wants to come after me?" said Big Gene in an interview at his New York Italian restaurant, which is a front for the NFLPA family operations. "I'd like to see him try, my boys are more loyal to me than any cronies he could possibly dig up. If he wants to start a war, I'll give him one. I'll litigate him so hard he won't know what hit him. I've served men subpoenas written on mutilated fish heads before. He could find himself a bloody subpoena in his bed with him when he wakes up."

The family war could result in a vicious battle of nad-kicking and animal head stationary litigation. It will be interesting to see how it turns out.


Category: NFL
Posted on: April 3, 2008 1:34 pm
Edited on: April 3, 2008 1:40 pm

Chris Henry Buys Summer Home In Ohio State Prison

The Cincinnati Bengal's Chris Henry has been arrested once again. Mathematics does not have a number high enough to express how many times he has been arrested to date, but this is yet more legal trouble for the receiver who was suspended for the first half of 2007. This time he is charged with punching an 18-year-old man and breaking his window with a beer bottle. Henry's lawyers were quick to point out the positives of the incident, firstly that the victim was a male this time, and that the beer was an American brew and a lite beer.

Henry also announced that Henry has bought a nice piece of property in the Ohio State Prison to serve as his summer home during all the arrests. "I took a look at some real nice cells," said Henry in a statement outside the prison. "I really wanted something with a nice view of the exercise yard and a mattress that didn't have quite so many urine and sweat stains. I think I got a real good deal on a corner unit, it's got a toilet and everything. Since my arrests are innevitable it's going to be a nice place to relax every summer while I wait to get the game or two in each season that I'm not suspended for."


Posted on: January 15, 2008 8:38 am
Edited on: January 15, 2008 8:39 am

For One Magic Sunday, Leaf Bests Manning

For one Sunday, Ryan Leaf was better than Peyton Manning. On the day Manning's Colts went down in the divisional playoff round to Leaf's old Chargers, Ryan was awarded his second Employee Of The Month award at a Texas Arby's. The award was given to him in a lavish ceremony in the Arby's break area, shortly after he was finished scrubbing the bathrooms. He and his fellow employees celebrated by feasting on free apple turnovers and orange soda.

"I just want to thank God, for helping me to finally overcome Peyton Manning," said Leaf in a speech after accepting his certificate. "He couldn't win his second Super Bowl, but I've won this award two months in a row! Suck it Peyton! Suck it!" His ending to the speech was made more awkward by the fact the presentation was not being televised, and there was a 15-year-old male fry cook named Peyton in attendance.

Leaf's performance on Sunday was very impressive going 33 of 44 in combo supersize upgrades for 233 orders, but he did have 2 interceptions, something he can't avoid even in the fast food business. While being a total bust in the NFL, Leaf has been an outstanding microwave chef and assistant manager at the West Texas Arby's, where he's worked since his retirement at the age of 26. He has set records for fastest Big Beef N Cheddar prep, most diet sodas drunk without a bathroom break, and holds the career Arby's mark for sleeping with barely of age female employees who don't know any better.



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