Posted on: September 7, 2010 9:43 am

Bengals Warn Fans This Could Be Rebuilding Year

Cincinnati Bengals owner Mike Brown wanted to come out and be up front about his team's priorities for this season after looking at the roster after training camp.

"I know a lot of Bengals fans are going to be unhappy about the team we are putting out there for this season," said Brown in a press conference yesterday. "This is going to be a tough couple of months, because this team will not be what you guys expect from the Bengals. You are used to them choking within the first month, being buried by the Pittsburgh Steelers, and then being able to say 'Maybe next year..." by mid-October.

"Well, this year will be a little different, it may in fact be a rebuilding year. Somehow, someway, we've actually managed to acquire some good talent on both sides of the ball despite our best efforts to do otherwise. People in the sports media are predicting a wild card for us, or even a division title. That's not what our fanbase expects, and I'm sorry."

Cincinnati area fans are not taking the news well.

"I made plans for a weeklong family vacation spanning the last two Sundays of the season," said longtime fan Mike Gardin. "I didn't expect to still be caring about the Bengals in December! Now I'll have to be running to check scores in a bar, and hurrying back to the hotel to watch the games. How do normal NFL fans do it?! I've never had to care after November 1st before!"

Brown and head coach Marvin Lewis say it may take 2-3 years to rebuild this roster into the awful one that usually takes the field for the Bengals. They considered just releasing all 53 players at once, and filling the spots with ex-convicts and arena league players, but the NFL said that was not allowed. But they are hopeful that they will be able to balance out the talent on their roster with bad play calls, overtraining, and burning all game film, instead of letting their players study it.

"Please, suffer through this good team as we work to bring the Cincinnati Bengals back to where you all expect them to be," continued Brown. "I'm sorry this had to happen. But give us a couple more drafts to screw up, some big contracts to claim we can't afford to pay, and we'll be right back to normal. You'll have your Sundays back soon, Cincinnati residents. Until then, you may have to invite people over to watch some Bengals games on the weekends. It actually may be something on the field you want to see. I'm sorry."

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Posted on: February 10, 2009 9:29 am

Americans Almost Remember To Watch Pro Bowl

Larry Fitzgerald being awarded the MVP trophy was the capper on an amazing Pro Bowl game, which saw an 11-point lead by the AFC evaporate in the second half as the NFC stormed back to win 30-21. Nielson released overnight ratings for the event which show the most people ever almost cared enough to watch the game.

Unlike most years, the excitement and unexpectedness of this year's playoffs really had America looking forward to the Pro Bowl. Nielson's numbers show almost 100 million Americans planned to watch the Pro Bowl, only to remember they had something better to do, leaving about 1 million actual viewers.

"These numbers are real strong," said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. "They show that this game is really on the minds of our sports fans, at least until they remember they have something else, like laundry, to do. We placed very well among males aged 18-49 who planned to watch, but then saw there was a marathon of Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants movies on TBS. We also scored well on people who almost turned it on, but then went over to hang out with their inlaws instead.

"I mean, this stuff is really strong, for the first time in a long time the gap between those watching the Pro Bowl, and those who thought it would be more fun to go get elective dental surgery instead, is narrowing. Pretty soon, you might be able to talk about what happened in this game with your co-workers on Monday morning, and they wont answer with 'Oh yeah, I forgot that thing was on yesterday'."

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Posted on: October 23, 2008 9:15 am
Edited on: October 23, 2008 9:19 am

Johnson Improves Fight Record Vs. Women To 5-0

Kansas City Chiefs runningback Larry Johnson improved his amateur boxing record to 5-0 Tuesday with a surprise knockout of a woman at a Kansas City nightclub. This has prompted the Chiefs to suspend him from the team following an investigation. The victory proves once again just how dominant Johnson is proving in the amateur rankings, and that he wants to go pro. The bout last night was a hastily sanctioned fight, scheduled immediately after the woman refused to dance with Johnson. It was expected to go a couple rounds, as the woman had a longer reach than Johnson and was only about 120 pounds lighter. But the crafty southpaw hit her with some well timed jabs and then delivered a knockout blow that sent her flying across the dance floor.

Much like Kimbo Slice, Johnson's battles are proving to be internet video sensations. "This guy is street, he's hardcore," said Quinn Vega, a college student and fan of Johnson. "He can take on any woman at any time...just as long as it's in a dimly lit environment...and he has a broken bottle as a weapon...and they have their back turned. He's so tough."

The decisive victory once again brought up talk that Larry Johnson should turn pro, and challenge some of the bigger names in female fighting. "I want a title shot!" said Johnson following the knockout. "Give me Laila Ali or Gina Carano, or anyone! If they have a vagina, I will knock them out! That is my promise! I remember when I was 13, and I beat my first girlfriend. I knew then that I had a special gift. I want to thank my parents, for raising me with a lack of morals and dignity. They always told me I should beat up girls, because they will probably not fight back, unless they look like they lift weights. They said I should probably still avoid them. But now I can share this gift I have with the world. I am going to be the best fighter of women in the history of the world. Just you all wait and see."

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