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Tag:College
Posted on: August 31, 2010 8:52 am
 

Notre Dame Poll Exclusion is "Slight Against God"

The Associated Press came out with its Preseason Top 25 in college football yesterday morning and to the surprise of Fighting Irish fans everywhere, Notre Dame was nowhere to be seen.

While the Irish are coming off of yet another disappointing season, many fans have high hopes for the upcoming season because of new coach Brian Kelly.

“How can we not be ranked? Seven Heisman Trophies and 11 national titles and we are not ranked? We have Cincinnati’s coach and we are Notre Dame -- there is no way we lose a game!” said completely realistic Irish fan Sean McIntyre.

As of right now, no other school seems to think there is much merit for Notre Dame’s complaints, but that isn’t stopping Notre Dame AD Jack Swarbrick from declaring that the AP poll is “a slight against God”.

“By not putting the great institution of Notre Dame in the Top 25, the Associated Press is saying that having God on your side has no worth,” Swarbrick said. “I hope Alabama and the other ‘elite’ teams in the Top 25 are prepared to get crushed by the power of the Lord because I just put in a call to Jesus.”

When informed about Swarbrick’s comments, Crimson Tide head coach Nick Saban was baffled by how serious the AD was taking the AP poll.

“It literally counts for 0 percent of the BCS and has no value in determining the National Championship,” Saban said. “And if Swarbrick is really that upset about not being in the AP Top 25, just show him Lou Holtz’s list. I bet you 20 bucks that Notre Dame is in his Top 3."

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Posted on: August 6, 2010 7:38 am
 

Penn State Announces Zombie JoePa Will Coach Team

As Joe Paterno enters his 45th season as the head coach of the football program at Penn State, some have begun to question how much longer the 83 year old can continue to lead a major program. It was believed that his current contract, set to expire after next season, would finally be the end of his storied career. No one wants to see such a historic sports figure die in office.

But officials from Penn State announced today that it doesn't necessarily have to be end, should he die while still the head coach.

"We have an exciting announcement from our college of Medical Sciences & Dark Arts today," said enthusiastic school president Graham Spanier. "We believe we now have the technology to be able to bring JoePa back as an undead zombie, should he die soon."

"We've always been honored to have him on our sidelines, and in all honesty with how little he seems involved right now, zombie JoePa will probably be about the same as the living version. As long as his flesh doesn't decay so much that it starts scaring off recruits, this opens him up to coach us for... another 200 years or so. But who knows, kids might think its cool to play for an undead monster anyway..."

Doctor-Shamans from the Medical Sciences & Dark Arts college say they have a formula ready to inject into Paterno should he die at any time during the next two seasons. Within a few hours of injection, his body will be ready to rise up from the dead to both eat brains and coach hard hitting Big Ten football.

While it could be dangerous to have a blood crazed zombie on the sidelines of a 100,000 seat stadium, President Spanier says it's probably not as dangerous as letting an 83-year-old man drive his own car around the campus every day.

"It'll be great," continued Spanier. "He'll be part coach, part cool zombie mascot, and part science experiment that students from our evil mad doctor program can study. There's one thing you all won't have to worry now, and that's whether or not JoePa will be back. He's going to be here for at least another century! Goooooo Nittany Lions!"

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Posted on: August 6, 2010 7:38 am
 

Penn State Announces Zombie JoePa Will Coach Team

As Joe Paterno enters his 45th season as the head coach of the football program at Penn State, some have begun to question how much longer the 83 year old can continue to lead a major program. It was believed that his current contract, set to expire after next season, would finally be the end of his storied career. No one wants to see such a historic sports figure die in office.

But officials from Penn State announced today that it doesn't necessarily have to be end, should he die while still the head coach.

"We have an exciting announcement from our college of Medical Sciences & Dark Arts today," said enthusiastic school president Graham Spanier. "We believe we now have the technology to be able to bring JoePa back as an undead zombie, should he die soon."

"We've always been honored to have him on our sidelines, and in all honesty with how little he seems involved right now, zombie JoePa will probably be about the same as the living version. As long as his flesh doesn't decay so much that it starts scaring off recruits, this opens him up to coach us for... another 200 years or so. But who knows, kids might think its cool to play for an undead monster anyway..."

Doctor-Shamans from the Medical Sciences & Dark Arts college say they have a formula ready to inject into Paterno should he die at any time during the next two seasons. Within a few hours of injection, his body will be ready to rise up from the dead to both eat brains and coach hard hitting Big Ten football.

While it could be dangerous to have a blood crazed zombie on the sidelines of a 100,000 seat stadium, President Spanier says it's probably not as dangerous as letting an 83-year-old man drive his own car around the campus every day.

"It'll be great," continued Spanier. "He'll be part coach, part cool zombie mascot, and part science experiment that students from our evil mad doctor program can study. There's one thing you all won't have to worry now, and that's whether or not JoePa will be back. He's going to be here for at least another century! Goooooo Nittany Lions!"

SportsComedian.com

Posted on: August 5, 2010 7:53 am
 

Obama To Issue Emergency College Football Relief

Seattle has been declared a national disaster area today by President Barack Obama, as last night the city managed to actually sell out an MLS game. The Seattle Sounders hosted the Los Angeles Galaxy at a packed Qwest Field, where people in attendance even wore Sounders apparel and seemed to understand what was going on on the field.

"Things are very bad in Seattle right now," said Obama in a statement made over national television. "This city is so desperate for real sports to return, they are enjoying soccer. I have never seen it so bad. With the failure of the Mariners to do anything this season, and the Supersonics having left, this city is in dire straights. They need a real sport to watch, and they need it now!"

"I am authorizing the national college football defense fund to be put into action to bring college football to this town as quickly as possible. I've told Washington and Washington State to hurry up and get their seasons underway. This city needs relief quickly, before the entire population is engulfed into rooting for an MLS team full time."

Reports are scarce from within the city limits, but its believed the people are so taken with soccer out of sports boredom, they have begun to wear the jerseys of players and check for box scores on the ESPN ticker. ESPN has responded saying that for their own safety, they will hide MLS scores and highlights extra deep in their programming, perhaps relgating it to ESPN News 2 En Espanol.

"We have to keep soccer as far away from these Seattle residents as possible," said VP of ESPN Programming Ken White. "These people are on the verge of full support of a soccer club. We have no idea what that could look like in this country! Can our people even handle it?! This could cause a breakdown of all civilization up there!"

Obama hopes the emergency doses of college football will help divert their attention from the strange sport, but if it's not enough more drastic measures may have to be taken.

"If these people do not snap out of this trance they seem to be under, we have the Seattle Seahawks standing by," stated Obama. "We have C-130's prepared to air drop the entire team onto the city, along with the Patriots, Steelers, and Giants. They have been told to play football ball anywhere and everywhere, to remind people what they are missing. I won't have my country taken over by this sport! It was bad enough we had to care about the World Cup for two weeks!"

"If all that fails, of course we will have to... nuke the entire city. It's the only way to be sure..."

SportsComedian.com

Posted on: July 28, 2010 7:44 am
 

Tennessee To Sue Kiffin For Being A Dick

Things just got more heated for Lane Kiffin and the USC Trojans. On the same day it was announced their entire 2004 National Championship might be on the line after Reggie Bush's academic violations, the Tennessee Titans said they would sue Lane Kiffin for his hiring away of one of their assistant coaches. But that wasn't all, as the University of Tennessee revealed they would also be suing Kiffin after bolted their school last year, under charges of being "a complete dick".

"Lane Kiffin is a dick, a big hairy dick" read the legal document filed today in Tennessee court. "He is a bastard that should never have left us in a lurch like this. He deserves to be legally bound to rot in hell, and also give us a lot of money... or something like that... You decide, you're the judge. But rest assured, we have lots of evidence that he is a total dick."

ESPN legal analyst James Walters says the case could be a hard one to settle. "Dick law in this country is very interpretive," said Walters. "What some people consider to be a dick move like abandoning your school shortly after joining, could just be seen as a cocksucker move by someone else. There aren't many precedents for dick cases in this country, it's going to be a very interesting trial."

It's speculated that the Kiffin Is A Dick lawsuit could go as high as the supreme court eventually.

"I would love to see a good dick case make it into my court," said Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg. "It's been quite awhile since I've had one in here, and I've almost forgot how nice it feels to put one on trial. I remember in my early days, I would be trying dick cases left and right, it seemed every young lawyer was just waiting to sue a dick with me. These dick cases are just so big, and full of...sweeping legal ramifications...oh boy, is it getting hot in here?"

The lawsuit is expected to go to trial soon in Tennessee, around the same time as the lawsuit from the Titans. It will be an interesting few weeks for Kiffin as he will have to make a strong case for not being a total dick. His lawyers have said it's going to be a tough sell, the only people who will believe he's not a dick are those with no knowledge of sports, or who have never heard the man speak. It will be tough to find a jury composed completely of people like that.

SportsComedian.com

Posted on: December 30, 2008 10:20 am
Edited on: December 30, 2008 10:33 am
 

Bell Helicopters Bowl Spurs Big Sales Increase

When Bell Helicopters signed on to sponsor the Armed Forces Bowl this year, they only considered it because of the great deal they were given, on account of no one wanting to watch a bowl with a barely eligible military team. But, their corporate headquarters are glad to report a drastic increase in helicopter sales as a result of the new exposure.

"We hear a lot about this bad recession the country is going through," said Bell president Gary Fulmer. "But ever since we were featured in front of a bowl, sales have really picked up. People are buying lots of helicopters, and even adding some of the expensive accessory packages like heat-seeking missles and motion-sensing gattling guns. It's a very exciting time for Bell Helicopters."

Apparently the increase in sales is due to the oversaturation of trucks and SUVs for sports-watching males. Today's man wants something with a little more omph, and a little more off-road capability than 4-wheel drive can give. Bell gives them several options such as a double propeller family helicopter that seats a family of 18, with a TV in the back for the kids. Or the always popular convertible sports copter, with an open roof for the feeling of 200 MPH wind rushing through your hair. Nothing impresses the ladies like a copter landing on them with the top down, blowing sand and trash around their faces.

"We are glad people are returning to the Bell Helicopters brand," continued Fulmer. "For too many years we have seen sales tail off to Japanese manufacturers who offer cheaper prices and hybrid powered copters. When you buy a helicopter for your family or you buy your child their first copter when they turn 16, buy American. Our nuclear payload deployment bays are much more reliable than those from overseas. That's the Bell Promise..."

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Posted on: September 30, 2008 9:05 am
Edited on: September 30, 2008 9:37 am
 

12-Loss Team Still Alive For BCS Championship

With the losses by four top ten teams this week, hope is still alive for all college football teams to make it into the BCS championship game. The fact that only two teams make it into the championship every year has led some to believe that a team must stay perfect to have a shot at a national title. But not this year, as nearly every team that looked unbeatable early on has taken a stumble so far in the young season.

Even lowly North Texas, somehow already 0-12 on the season, is still in the running for a BCS berth. "Well, we lost last week to something called Rice, 77-20," said head coach Todd Dodge. "The NCAA thought it was so pathetic of a showing they gave us a couple extra losses as punishment. But they were quick to reassure us that despite being 0-12, we were still in the top 20 in the BCS rankings."

"Sure, all these teams have some losses," said college football analyst Lee Corso. "But you have to look a the quality of their opponents. North Texas has 8 losses to Rice. Now, I don't know about you, but I ate some of that with some really spicy curry last week, and it was a hell of a battle at the toilet the next day. I think they're still in this thing."

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Posted on: August 21, 2008 10:40 am
Edited on: August 21, 2008 10:49 am
 

NCAA Bans Horse Collars From College, Horses Free

The NCAA today announced a ban of the horse collar at all football games this season. Using one will be a 15 yard personal foul on the defense. The news has angered several of the all-horse colleges around the country who claim it could lead to chaos at their games.

"How are we supposed to operate?" said Dan Sange, president of Equine Technical College in Texas. "Without horse collars, our all-horse team and student body will be able to just walk anywhere they please, crap anywhere they want, maybe even eat the playing field. What happens when we set off the fireworks for their team entrance? It could cause a stampede of epic proportions! And I don't want to be the one to explain to a parent that I let their horseson or horsedaughter pull a cart home drunk after a day of tailgating! The NCAA can explain it to them, because this is just ridiculous..."

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