Posted on: August 25, 2010 7:48 am

Coors Light Train Derails, Kills 58 Fans At Game

It was a gruesome scene today in Denver as the Coors Light Love Train derailed and flew into the stands, killing 58 fans.

It was a scorching hot summer day when the Denver Broncos hosted the Detroit Lions at Invesco Field. The crowd was seemingly not into the game due to the high heat index, as temperatures reached as high as 104 degrees. The home team would make a first down or a big defensive stop, and there was little emotion from the Colorado crowd.

But Broncos officials had a plan, a time honored tradition in the Mile High city for when the heat got too unbearable. They pumped up the loud speakers and before everyone knew it "Love Train" was blaring throughout the stadium. The crowd's spirit immediately picked up as the Coors Light train came roaring out the tunnel and the crowd cheered loudly, but it didn't even reach midfield when disaster struck.

The train jerked upward as it derailed and went careening into innocent bystanders, who were just hoping to catch a few pieces of magic snow. People screamed as limbs and blood flew everywhere. Those who could get out of the way immediately ran for the exists. Emergency workers quickly rushed to the scene to help those trapped below the giant beer train.

"We are still trying to assess all the damage, but it's pretty bad in there," said one firefighter outside the stadium. "I've never seen anything like this. A magic beer train just coming off its invisible rails and injuring the very people it came to cool off and get drunk.

"I hope Congress looks at magic beer train regulations, because I for one have been saying their regulations are way too lax. These things can just appear anywhere, any time the Love Train song plays. Do they even card when making beers mystically appear in everyone's hands? I know there are kids in this stadium somewhere."

It's unknown at the time of this report exactly what led to the crash. The driver, a longtime Coors employee, is being questioned for whether or not he was drinking at the time of the wreck. He apparently yelled "tap the Rockies mothereffers!" out the window right before it all went bad.

"Well, I am driving a magic beer train, you kind of can't be sober," said the conductor.

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Posted on: November 25, 2008 10:05 am
Edited on: November 25, 2008 10:28 am

Stock Footage Of Coach Tired Of Beer Questions

Stock footage of head coaches all around the NFL have come out today with some stiff words for reporters at post-game press conferences. They are demanding a ban on questions about Coors Light beer starting next week, in response to their question and answer sections frequently getting hijacked with queries about the frost brewed great taste of Coors.

"We want to talk about the game," said stock footage of Jim Mora. "I want to talk about what my quarterback did on the field, or why we called that bad play in the red zone. Not what I would do for an ice cold Coors Light. Yes, I would bark like a dog to get the less filling great taste of the rocky mountain bullet in hand, but that has nothing to do with football."

The problems seem to stem from a group of middle-aged multi-ethnic friends who have shown up at press conferences all over the league for the past several years. When asked recently during an interview with stock footage of Brian Billick, they were unable to produce proper press credentials.

"Uh...we right for a publication called the New Spaper," said one of the men. "But that's really not important right now. The thing you should be asking is what do you do if your friend forgets to bring the Coors Light to a tailgate? Do you kill him? Do you take his family hostage and hold them ransom for a keg? These are the hard questions we need to ask as journalists."

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