Tag:Eli Manning
Posted on: September 20, 2010 10:49 am
 

Day Too Late NFL Predictions

Like all sports analysts, I like to make predictions about what will happen each Sunday of the NFL season. While most predictions the so-called experts make are completely wrong once the games happen, and they move right along as if they never made them, I have no problem showing mine to the world.

It just so happens I forgot to post this before the games ran. But since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

  • Bahahaha, my opponent in fantasy football was dumb enough to pick up Michael Vick this week. There's a guaranteed win for me...
  • Look for Brett Favre to bounce back in a big way this week, he just needed to get warmed up after missing most of the preseason and training camp.
  • If there's one thing I love when going out to a bar, it's hot mean female bartenders making fun of me for not enjoying the pisswater that is Miller Lite.
  • I predict the battle between Manning brothers gets so heated that it ends in two possible ways:
    • 1) They actually come to blows on the field and settle things in a fight, although with how lame they look like they would be in a fight, this will probably just involve a lot of slapping and hair pulling.
    • 2) Peyton Manning attempts to play defensive end, so that he can actually tackle and/or his brother. Once again, with how lame he looks, he might end up dead from trying this.
  • The Buffalo Bills might not have a great team, but at least they are always competitive.
  • Men who take Viagra don't need to know how to fix engines properly. They just need to pour a bottle of water into the engine and then keep driving.
  • Common sense tells me that one team has to win this game between the St. Louis Rams and the Oakland Raiders, but after watching them last week I'm not so sure. I mean, a tie is technically possible, so I'm going to go with that.
  • Finally, the Patriots will make the Jets completely shut up after they thrash them this weekend. I for one will be glad to hear them stop chirping.
  • Two years in, and I still can't remember who that QB is down in Tampa Bay. Doesn't really matter though, he sucks and there's no way they beat the Panthers.
  • I hope there are more episodes of Justin Timberlake and Peyton Manning's gay dates coming. Their trip to the Sony 3D lab was a good season premiere, and although a pretty gay place to go, I bet they can do better.
  • I bet we see lots of Tim Tebow during the Broncos game this week. His 2 yards last week were indispensible. Lots of Tebow indeed.
  • Matt Leinart's old Cardinals team is going to really show him what he's missing this year by destroying the Falcons. They hope he's watching that scoreboard as his new Texans get beaten for the first time.
  • At least the Steelers have Dennis Dixon left to quarterback their team until Roethlisberger comes back. That guy strong as an ox, so they don't need to tap into the emergency QB reserves just yet.
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Posted on: December 11, 2008 9:20 am
Edited on: December 11, 2008 9:46 am
 

Plaxico Still Not Talking To Hand After Shooting

Plaxico Burress is still not on speaking terms with his right hand, two weeks after it shot him in a night club with his own gun. Before the incident, Burress had listed his right hand as his favorite body part on his NYGiants.com bio page, followed closely by his left kidney and his "massive shlong". But since the shooting, the two have not spoke or even seen each other, as they both learn to deal with the aftermath of the tragedy.

"I wear a glove on him now," said Plaxico in a sit-down for Real Sports With Brian Gumbel. "I get laughed at for looking like Michael Jackson, but I can't bear to see that hand again. Not after what he did to me. We used to do all kinds of things together. I'd drink a beer with him, brush my teeth using him, I'd even use him to play halo. But now I only use the left. You should see what my kill-death ratio in Halo is now...It's horrible. I miss him, but I just can't get over what happened. I even masturbate with my left hand now. It's not as good as he was, but at least I don't have to worry about it shooting me while we are in the act."

Plaxico's hand was remorseful for the accident. "I didn't know it would happen," said his right hand. "If I could go back in time, I would take it back in an instant. But, what's done is done, and I feel like I have lost my friend forever. We used to be inseparable, like we were joined at the wrist. I hope that one day we can be together again. I hope that one day he can forgive me for what I have done."

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