Tag:Final Four
Posted on: July 15, 2010 7:35 am

March Madness Expands To 1367.5 Teams

The NCAA announced that March Madness is going to be getting a whole lot more mad next year, as they expand to 1367.5 teams in an effort to boost revenue and ratings. The move was met with groans from the general sports media, who questioned the logistics outlined in the NCAA's unveiling presentation today.

Apparently pretty much any basketball team in the country, organized or unorganized, will be making the March tournament. Only next year, it won't just be contained to one month. Organizers say that the new tournament will now span three years. That is how much time will be needed for the 42 regional sites, up from the traditional four, to conduct their brackets.

"We have never been more behind an idea than this one," said NCAA President Bill Whitford. "We have had so many good teams just miss out on making this tournament, this will ensure none ever do again! Just imagine people's brackets they are going to get to fill out at work. I'd advise all managers to maybe schedule a company holiday or two in March so they can get all the names down all that thing. And also to invest in a lot more paper, they are going to need lots of room to draw this bracket out."

Due to the sheer number of teams in next year's tournament, it is expected to actually take a year and a half to finish. The final few rounds will actually overlap with the following year's tournament, but NCAA management doesn't feel it's a problem.

"People love watching March Madness basketball!" continued Whitford. "Now they can have Summer Madness basketball! It will be on in the middle of the night! Nonstop college action! CBS has already cancelled all original programming they were hoping to show next year, and instead will just be airing games 24/7. Needless to say, they are very excited about this expansion as well."

A lot has been made of the number they chose to expand to. 1367.5, which they confirmed today means that one team will only get to field half a roster on the court.

"Look, now that we are allowing over a thousand teams into this thing. If you're the last team on the list, you're clearly no good. As punishment for that, you only get to bring half your team. But just think of the upset, should the 1367.5 seed beat the number one seed! It would be complete anarchy! That's just one of the many additions our new format will provide."


Posted on: April 2, 2009 9:29 am

Man Still Trying To Find People For Women's Pool

A local office manager is putting the word out that he is still looking for people interested in doing a women's NCAA tournament pool, despite the fact there are only 4 teams left. He was undeterred by the lack of response for his NIT bracket and 128-person French Open bracket pools.

"Look," said Fernando Castronovik. "I told everyone this thing would be just as fun as the men's bracket, only with women. I know a lot of people complained that they didn't know anything about women's basketball, but you've heard of some of these schools! Connecticut is on here, even Louisville!

"I know people were nervous about having to size up Prairie View and Lehigh, but they are already out. Just fill out your bracket with these four teams, and we're good. You have a one in four chance to win for Pete's sake! It will be fun!"

But his co-workers have been skeptical about committing to an addition bracket pool since the beginning.

"I just don't know if I can make any more uneducated guesses about basketball teams," said office worker Kerry Reyes. "At least with men's basketball I can pretend I know about these teams despite only really following my alma mater, Duke, and North Carolina. I can rely on my knowledge of those three teams plus steal opinions from bracket pundits and claim them as my own. But with women's basketball, it's a total crapshoot. It's like bizarro world on that bracket. Stanford? How did they get to the final four?"

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Posted on: April 9, 2008 2:44 pm
Edited on: April 9, 2008 2:45 pm

Self Signs With Supermarket To Coach Cashiering

Bill Self, championship winning coach of the Kansas Jayhawks, today announced that he has signed a deal to coach at a Piggly Wiggly Supermarket in western Oklahoma. It was believed that Self was mulling a very lucrative offer from his alma mater Oklahoma State to come and coach there next season, but now he has given that up as well to return farther back to his roots. Piggly Wiggly is where it all began for Self, serving as a bagger and eventually a cashier. "I'm very excited to be able to go back to a place that I love and teach the young people how to play the cashier game the right way. Also the elderly and the mildly retarded, there are a lot of them at the supermarket as well."

It's going to be a tough transition for Self, who hasn't coached a register since he was 17. "I'm going to have to adjust, there's no questioning that. But the game isn't all that different. Sure they have computer screens and credit card readers now, but it's still all about speed and teamwork. You make a quick pass of the package of chicken breasts to the bagger and he dunks it into a paper bag, that's a thing of beauty. The registering game today is all about showmanship and superstars, I wanna teach these kids about teamwork."

The supermarket branch is reportedly paying Self close to $10 million to coach there, most of it supplied by one of their boosters, Z. June Perkins. Perkins is the owner of Perkins restaurants, who is now a billionaire due to the fact he is able to charge people $8.99 for a plate of pancakes and people actually pay it. He shops at the store on a regular basis and invests heavily in it. "I want to see this store do well. This is my store, and if I want to donate money to make it the best, I'm damn well gonna do just that."

This is just the latest move by Perkins to renovate the store. He also is responsible for the Z. June Perkins breakroom, a state of the smoke break facility made entirely of 24 ct. gold. "We are going to make this place a beacon to the rest of the grocery world," said Perkins. "Everyone will know that we are the premiere supermarket in the country and perhaps the world. When I come in to buy my Metamucil and Ensure, I'm gonna have the greatest experience anywhere. Very exciting."


Posted on: April 8, 2008 12:23 pm
Edited on: April 8, 2008 12:25 pm

Tigers Lose Championship, Claim FT's Too Easy

After their 75-68 overtime loss and collapse to the Kansas Jayhawks, the Memphis Tigers were pointing fingers at the NCAA for making the free throws too easy a shot for their team to make. Despite hitting nearly 50% of their field goals in the regular season, Memphis' Achilles Heel has always been their free throw shooting, which cost them the title game in the final minutes as they could not sink 50% of them to save their season.

"It's a tough shot to make because it's so easy," said Memphis head coach John Calipari. "We practice harder shots like running 3-point jumpers. We even asked the ref if late in the game we could take a fall-away jumper from mid-court instead, but he said we had to stand on that damn foul line. That just doesn't seem fair, that thing is so close to the basket and no one is in your face trying to block it! But I don't like the whole system they have in place, the only way to win a basketball game shouldn't be only to make more baskets than the other team. What is that teaching out kids? That basket-maker is the only profession which will get you success in this world? Last time I checked there weren't many basket-weaving millionaires. Sportsmanship, defense, and which mascot could eat the other one in a real fight should all factor in to the outcome. I think we would have gotten the victory then."

It's back to the drawing board for Memphis after their record 38 wins, but failure to capture a championship. A note was found in their lockeroom after the Finals, it read "If anyone wants to take us on with real shots instead of these pussy free throws, we'll be back next season. Go s*ck a hawk d*ck Kansas. -Memphis"


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