Tag:Kansas Jayhawks
Posted on: November 13, 2008 9:38 am
Edited on: November 13, 2008 9:53 am

Search Still Ongoing For Missing Basketball Nets

Officials from San Antonio, Texas, site of last season's NCAA Final Four, are still searching for clues in the disappearance of the basketball nets that disappeared after the game. "We are treating this as grand theft," said San Antonio police chief Fred Billingsley. "Somehow, in the ensuing celebration some despicable criminal decided to commit a hanous crime. They took both nets right off the baskets. These things cost something like $1.99 each! In today's economy, every penny counts, and that is a total of 398 pennies! You could buy 3 or 4 houses for that many pennies!"

The chief went on to say that he will not rest until he finds the perpetrators of this crime. Clues have been sparse in the investigation, but it appears the nets were removed with a pair of scissors shortly after the game finished. CBS, the broadcasters of the event, are said to have footage of someone cutting down the nets, but will not release it to the authorities.

"These people are standing in the way of justice!" shouted Billingsley after hearing about the refusal from CBS. "This leads me to believe you are hiding something! You did this, didn't you Jim Nantz?! You took the magic out of this basketball gym! When children come in here to play now and they shoot a hoop, they don't hear swoosh anymore, they hear nothing. You think about that Jim Nantz, you think about that..."

Other suspects in the investigation are coaches and players from the teams, a kindly old man who owns the only all-scissors shop in town, and the Netgoblin, a mythical creature who is collecting all kinds of nets to complete his plans for world domination.

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Posted on: April 9, 2008 2:44 pm
Edited on: April 9, 2008 2:45 pm

Self Signs With Supermarket To Coach Cashiering

Bill Self, championship winning coach of the Kansas Jayhawks, today announced that he has signed a deal to coach at a Piggly Wiggly Supermarket in western Oklahoma. It was believed that Self was mulling a very lucrative offer from his alma mater Oklahoma State to come and coach there next season, but now he has given that up as well to return farther back to his roots. Piggly Wiggly is where it all began for Self, serving as a bagger and eventually a cashier. "I'm very excited to be able to go back to a place that I love and teach the young people how to play the cashier game the right way. Also the elderly and the mildly retarded, there are a lot of them at the supermarket as well."

It's going to be a tough transition for Self, who hasn't coached a register since he was 17. "I'm going to have to adjust, there's no questioning that. But the game isn't all that different. Sure they have computer screens and credit card readers now, but it's still all about speed and teamwork. You make a quick pass of the package of chicken breasts to the bagger and he dunks it into a paper bag, that's a thing of beauty. The registering game today is all about showmanship and superstars, I wanna teach these kids about teamwork."

The supermarket branch is reportedly paying Self close to $10 million to coach there, most of it supplied by one of their boosters, Z. June Perkins. Perkins is the owner of Perkins restaurants, who is now a billionaire due to the fact he is able to charge people $8.99 for a plate of pancakes and people actually pay it. He shops at the store on a regular basis and invests heavily in it. "I want to see this store do well. This is my store, and if I want to donate money to make it the best, I'm damn well gonna do just that."

This is just the latest move by Perkins to renovate the store. He also is responsible for the Z. June Perkins breakroom, a state of the smoke break facility made entirely of 24 ct. gold. "We are going to make this place a beacon to the rest of the grocery world," said Perkins. "Everyone will know that we are the premiere supermarket in the country and perhaps the world. When I come in to buy my Metamucil and Ensure, I'm gonna have the greatest experience anywhere. Very exciting."


Posted on: April 8, 2008 12:23 pm
Edited on: April 8, 2008 12:25 pm

Tigers Lose Championship, Claim FT's Too Easy

After their 75-68 overtime loss and collapse to the Kansas Jayhawks, the Memphis Tigers were pointing fingers at the NCAA for making the free throws too easy a shot for their team to make. Despite hitting nearly 50% of their field goals in the regular season, Memphis' Achilles Heel has always been their free throw shooting, which cost them the title game in the final minutes as they could not sink 50% of them to save their season.

"It's a tough shot to make because it's so easy," said Memphis head coach John Calipari. "We practice harder shots like running 3-point jumpers. We even asked the ref if late in the game we could take a fall-away jumper from mid-court instead, but he said we had to stand on that damn foul line. That just doesn't seem fair, that thing is so close to the basket and no one is in your face trying to block it! But I don't like the whole system they have in place, the only way to win a basketball game shouldn't be only to make more baskets than the other team. What is that teaching out kids? That basket-maker is the only profession which will get you success in this world? Last time I checked there weren't many basket-weaving millionaires. Sportsmanship, defense, and which mascot could eat the other one in a real fight should all factor in to the outcome. I think we would have gotten the victory then."

It's back to the drawing board for Memphis after their record 38 wins, but failure to capture a championship. A note was found in their lockeroom after the Finals, it read "If anyone wants to take us on with real shots instead of these pussy free throws, we'll be back next season. Go s*ck a hawk d*ck Kansas. -Memphis"


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