Posted on: July 28, 2010 7:28 am

Baltimore Orioles Accept Assignment To Minors

Major League Baseball announced today that the Baltimore Orioles have agreed to an assignment to the AA Eastern League for the remainder of the 2010 season. The Orioles, who are currently in last place in the American League East Division and who lay claim to the worst record in Major League Baseball, will be replaced in the majors by their promising minor league affiliate, the Bowie Baysox. The Baysox, who made the AA playoffs as recently as 2008, are currently in second place in the Western Division and are in the midst of a tight battle with the Altoona Curve for the division title.

“I’m not going to lie” said Orioles interim manager Juan Samuel. “This is going to be a tough pill to swallow. As a team, you just don’t want to ever admit that you’re not the club you once were. This is a proud organization that has had its share of success. We’ve won World Series Championships and had great Hall of Fame Players like Jim Palmer and Brooks Robinson and Frank Robinson. If you ask me, things started going downhill for us about the time Cal Ripken, Jr. retired and that piece of crap Rafael Palmeiro started making erectile dysfunction commercials and lying to Congress.”

Samuel said the meeting with Bud Selig was strained at times, but ultimately the team understood the League’s position. “We’ve had our opportunities the last decade and we just haven’t performed. There comes a time in every team’s career when you have to admit that maybe you aren’t as marketable as you used to be, that maybe your uniforms look dated and your logo just isn’t very cool. When you’re winning that stuff doesn’t matter, but when you’re losing the little things add up.”

“We felt it was time to give one of our younger teams a chance” said Selig, “the Baysox have shown a lot of promise in the Eastern League this season and we feel at this time they could compete as well, if not better than the Orioles when it comes to playing real Major League teams like the Tampa Bay Rays, the New York Yankees and the Boston Red Sox. Sure they will be overmatched, but frankly so was Baltimore, and this can be a great learning experience for them.”

Selig went on to predict that the move could also work out well for the Orioles who will get to spend some time playing in a league more suited to their abilities and where they will actually have a legitimate shot to compete for a division championship. “They have a real chance of a winning record in the Eastern League,” said Selig “Granted they won’t be the favorites, not against teams like the Trenton Thunder and the New Hampshire Fisher Cats. But if they put in the work and prove they are capable of playing professional baseball at a high level again, then we will be more than happy to welcome them back to the American League East.”

The move is of course contingent on the team clearing waivers, but it’s believed no other league would dare pick up such an awful franchise. The NBA laughed at the thought of taking them off waivers, saying that they already had a Memphis Grizzlies franchise they are out of options on. The MLS said they might take a look at the Orioles, as even they are more popular than any team they currently have.


Posted on: April 9, 2008 2:44 pm
Edited on: April 9, 2008 2:45 pm

Self Signs With Supermarket To Coach Cashiering

Bill Self, championship winning coach of the Kansas Jayhawks, today announced that he has signed a deal to coach at a Piggly Wiggly Supermarket in western Oklahoma. It was believed that Self was mulling a very lucrative offer from his alma mater Oklahoma State to come and coach there next season, but now he has given that up as well to return farther back to his roots. Piggly Wiggly is where it all began for Self, serving as a bagger and eventually a cashier. "I'm very excited to be able to go back to a place that I love and teach the young people how to play the cashier game the right way. Also the elderly and the mildly retarded, there are a lot of them at the supermarket as well."

It's going to be a tough transition for Self, who hasn't coached a register since he was 17. "I'm going to have to adjust, there's no questioning that. But the game isn't all that different. Sure they have computer screens and credit card readers now, but it's still all about speed and teamwork. You make a quick pass of the package of chicken breasts to the bagger and he dunks it into a paper bag, that's a thing of beauty. The registering game today is all about showmanship and superstars, I wanna teach these kids about teamwork."

The supermarket branch is reportedly paying Self close to $10 million to coach there, most of it supplied by one of their boosters, Z. June Perkins. Perkins is the owner of Perkins restaurants, who is now a billionaire due to the fact he is able to charge people $8.99 for a plate of pancakes and people actually pay it. He shops at the store on a regular basis and invests heavily in it. "I want to see this store do well. This is my store, and if I want to donate money to make it the best, I'm damn well gonna do just that."

This is just the latest move by Perkins to renovate the store. He also is responsible for the Z. June Perkins breakroom, a state of the smoke break facility made entirely of 24 ct. gold. "We are going to make this place a beacon to the rest of the grocery world," said Perkins. "Everyone will know that we are the premiere supermarket in the country and perhaps the world. When I come in to buy my Metamucil and Ensure, I'm gonna have the greatest experience anywhere. Very exciting."


Posted on: April 8, 2008 12:23 pm
Edited on: April 8, 2008 12:25 pm

Tigers Lose Championship, Claim FT's Too Easy

After their 75-68 overtime loss and collapse to the Kansas Jayhawks, the Memphis Tigers were pointing fingers at the NCAA for making the free throws too easy a shot for their team to make. Despite hitting nearly 50% of their field goals in the regular season, Memphis' Achilles Heel has always been their free throw shooting, which cost them the title game in the final minutes as they could not sink 50% of them to save their season.

"It's a tough shot to make because it's so easy," said Memphis head coach John Calipari. "We practice harder shots like running 3-point jumpers. We even asked the ref if late in the game we could take a fall-away jumper from mid-court instead, but he said we had to stand on that damn foul line. That just doesn't seem fair, that thing is so close to the basket and no one is in your face trying to block it! But I don't like the whole system they have in place, the only way to win a basketball game shouldn't be only to make more baskets than the other team. What is that teaching out kids? That basket-maker is the only profession which will get you success in this world? Last time I checked there weren't many basket-weaving millionaires. Sportsmanship, defense, and which mascot could eat the other one in a real fight should all factor in to the outcome. I think we would have gotten the victory then."

It's back to the drawing board for Memphis after their record 38 wins, but failure to capture a championship. A note was found in their lockeroom after the Finals, it read "If anyone wants to take us on with real shots instead of these pussy free throws, we'll be back next season. Go s*ck a hawk d*ck Kansas. -Memphis"


Posted on: April 2, 2008 2:25 pm
Edited on: April 2, 2008 2:31 pm

Due To Economy, No More Free Throws In Final Four

The NCAA has announced that due to the struggling U.S. economy and the continued fall of profits, there will be no free throws in this year's Final Four. "We just can't afford to give these shots away anymore, it's costing us too much money," said NCAA chairman Mike Sutter. "Especially at the end of the game, sometimes they will foul each other over and over again. That's costing us a fortune! So we're going to be charging $7 dollars per throw, which is still less than a beer at the concession stand, so I feel it's reasonable."

"There will be a cashier on the side of the court who will take payment should a player get fouled. He accepts cash, credit, or money order. Please don't write a check. We can take it, but it's going to hold up the game quite a bit. Late in the game, if we have a lot of shots left to give we may even do some specials like a buy one get one type of deal. This is when you poorer players want to try and get fouled, it's going to save you a lot of money. Also, I don't want to give anything away, but check your Sunday paper for a special coupon that may give you 10% off all foul shots. It's going to take people awhile to get used to the change, but I think it's going to go over fine."

While several of the teams are upset at the change, Memphis is actually fine with the decision. "We weren't going to make many of those anyway," said head coach John Calipari.


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