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Tag:Washington Nationals
Posted on: September 1, 2010 9:01 am

Stephen Strasburg Loses Super Powers, Season Out

The Washington Nationals announced in a conference call this morning that phenom rookie pitcher Stephen Strasburg’s mutant right arm has lost its powers due to recent sunspot activity.

Nationals GM Mike Rizzo said Strasburg realized there was a problem when he could no longer summon the powers of a Norse god of thunder to fling baseballs at his normal average speed of several hundred miles an hour in a recent practice.

“As anyone who has had mutant powers granted to them and then taken away by a freak act of nature can tell you, it’s a traumatic experience. Just ask Cyclops or Wolverine,” Rizzo told reporters. “But he is fully committed to doing whatever he has to do to rehab and get back out there, because lord knows, we need him,” Rizzo continued between slow sobs at the mic. “Who knew that his weakness was random bursts of electromagnetic energy? We just assumed it would be drugs and alcohol, like the other red-blooded ball players we have on this team.”

Strasburg has been a rare ray of hope for these Nationals, who have spent the last several seasons perfecting their record of complete futility. The loss of Strasburg will be a big shock not only to this city, but also to his fellow players.

Truly morale was low in DC, as we asked and some of the residents threw in their 2 cents worth.

  • “Yeah, Strasburg was awesome. Not sure what we’re going to do now.” – Greg, street vendor
  • “If you ask me, I saw it coming. I can’t tell you how often the genetically enhanced mutant protectors of our national pastime come through here, raising hopes, but then fizzle out before any substance can be provided.” – Mara, food services
  • “We have a baseball team? I didn’t know that. Give me your wallet.” – Stitches, unemployed

“We were just getting in the swing of things, too,” Ryan Zimmerman, the Nationals 3rd baseman, stated to the swarm of reporters. “Ivan was just starting to learn how to block the plate like a real catcher, the janitor they brought in who was competing for the 1st base spot with Dunn had just barely gotten edged out, and we had just learned how to pronounce Nyjer’s name. I even thought we might win a game this year. What a rip.”

The Washington Post reported Strasburg will get a second opinion from Verðandi, a norn that once treated Thor himself when he had to have Tommy John’s surgery in 652 B.C.

“I’m no quitter, that’s for sure,” said Strasburg as he was loading Pegasus for the long trip to Valhalla for his evaluation. “Now that I’m temporarily a normal human, sort of like that dude in Superman 2, I have to be careful. It seems I can no longer smash through walls or melt things with my heat vision. But I’m not giving up on this season that easily, no sir, I’ll be back.”

At that point he mounted his steed and swiftly flew from sight into the sunset.

We can only hope for the National’s sake that he gets his powers back. | Become A Fan On Facebook | Videos On Youtube

Posted on: June 16, 2009 1:01 pm

Management Fire All Nationals Players, Keep Coach

Unhappy with the way the team has performed so far this season, Washington Nationals management fired all their players today in an unprecedented move. They have brought up some kids from double A ball to serve as interim players until they can find suitable replacements.

"Well, we've struggled to a 16-45 record, which is just awful," said GM Frank Geary. "But head coach Manny Acta is one of the best out there, this team just isn't getting the full management potential out of him. So, we just felt it was time to make a change. We're going to eat their salaries and just move in a different direction."

"We like what they do up in Boston," continued Geary. "We're going to see if we can maybe sign that team to replace them down here. We need a big name team to come in and get the fanbase excited, hopefully some new players can motivate this coaching staff better."
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Posted on: February 14, 2009 11:03 am

Adam Dunn Retires From Competitive Baseball

With the flashbulbs popping, and tears running down his face, Adam Dunn thanked his fans and supporters for cheering for him during his 8-year career. In a press conference held yesterday, Dunn announced that he was retiring from competitive baseball and giving up his boyhood dream of playing in a World Series, by signing with the Washington Nationals.

It was a bold move for the 29-year-old lefty to step away from the game so early, but he felt the money the Nationals were offering was just too good to pass up. Usually only a washed up veteran who had no interest anywhere else would even consider retiring to Washington, but Dunn might just be breaking the mold.

"I've been so blessed to be able to play my career on teams with at least a fighting shot of making the playoffs," said Dunn between sobs. "But now it's time to move on, do some other things with my life, like lose 13-0 consistently to a bunch of teenagers on the Florida Marlins. It's going to be tough, knowing that I left the game in my prime, but I have to think about my family."

At that point, Washington manager Manny Acta brought out his new number 32 red Nationals jersey, and Dunn broke down into tears after taking one look at it. The crowd was silent as they knew what a sad moment this must be for an athlete. Dunn then got up from his chair and attempted to run away from the press conference, but Nationals security grabbed him and held him down against the podium. He struggled, but they forced the jersey on him and buttoned it down the front.

"We want to welcome Adam to our wonderful organization," said Acta as security held up the limp and crying superstar. "We know it's never easy to retire from competitive baseball like this, but at some point everyone has to do it. Now, if you'll excuse us, I think we have some spring training games we have to get ready to lose..."
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Posted on: January 20, 2009 10:00 am
Edited on: January 20, 2009 10:01 am

Sports Figures Honor Inauguration Of Barack Obama

Barack Obama will take office Tuesday, and there have been many festivities and speeches featuring sports figures in honor of the new President. Tiger Woods, Mohammad Ali, and others have given speeches in the days leading up to the event, to talk about African-American accomplishments and their love for the country. We here at TSC attempted to gather all the sporting figures inauguration speeches in one place:
  • Washington Nationals: The entire team gave a rousing speech in front of Nationals Park vowing that they will try to win one of their 162 games this season, in honor of Barack Obama. "This city is going through big changes, and we want to have some big changes as well, and it starts with finally getting some number other than 0 in the win column," said Manager Manny Acta. He was quick to remind Obama that they said they are going to try to get a win, but with their talent there are no guarantees.

  • George Foreman: In a taped message he aired at 3 AM on a local channel, he said Obama's triumphant victory reminded him of the time he came back from retirement to overcome Michael Moorer and win the title at age 45. He also said that Barack is ready to "knock out the fat" in Washington, and to celebrate he is releasing a limited edition Obama Funnel Cake Fryer. This special fryer removes up to 5% of the fat in conventional funnel cakes, making them have just under 2000 calories per serving. He then said that if you were a true Obama fan, or a fan of fried dough, you should order immediately, as supplies are limited.
  • Michael Vick: Vick made a speech in the prison lunch room, despite representatives from Barack Obama specifically asking him not to do so. He told his fellow inmates that the President's inspiring breaking of the race barrier made him recall a similar underdog incident in his life. He once had a black pitbull named Shitblood, and people said Shitblood would never be able to compete against the stronger white pitbulls. But in his first dog fighting match he overcame all the prejudice against blacks and conquered his white foe. Shitblood then bit into the whie dog's stomach and ate his intestines. Afterward, he was sold to a Korean restaurant that was, apparently, looking for a pet. But Michael Vick said, "the point of the story is to tell Obama that if any conservatives ever get in his face about financial or education policy, he should kill them and eat their internal organs."
  • BCS Officials: Representatives from the BCS went on the record as saying that they understand Barack's stance on wanting a playoff to determine the champion. But they went on to say that his election is proof that a major underdog can overcome stacked odds and triumph, just like in the BCS system. "All a team needs to do is go undefeated, and then hope that every other team in the 6 major conferences has at least 3 losses, and hope that one of those teams isn't USC, Florida, or Ohio State, as they will get votes regardless. But as long as that happens, it's entirely possible to have a Barack sized upset in our great bowl system."
  • Oklahoma City Thunder: The NBA's Thunder said that they would like to offer Barack a roster spot, if this whole President of the United States thing doesn't work out. They were very impressed by the Youtube video of him making a basket, and want to learn how to get the rest of their players to do that. They also remind everyone that they are a real NBA franchise, they are not a joke someone made up at the start of the season.
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Posted on: October 23, 2008 9:05 am
Edited on: October 23, 2008 9:21 am

Nader Makes Bold Prediction For World Series

As the World Series begins tonight, the presidential candidates are choosing their sides in the matchup. John McCain has picked the Tampa Bay Rays, citing their underdog status as the reason for his choice. Obama has picked the Philadelphia Phillies, for their hardworking attitude and teamwork. But third party presidential candidate Ralph Nader believes we may see an upset no one expects: The Washington Nationals

"I'm not counting out a Washington Nationals World Series this year," said Nader at a rally in Oregon on Tuesday. "Sure they have the worst record in baseball. Sure they aren't even in the series. Sure they have been off work for the last month and are probably not going to get together again until February. But I think this team has a chance to still surprise everyone and take home a national championship!"

"You don't have to pick from the best of two evils," continued Nader. "That is what I love about this country, is that everyone has a shot. Even a team eliminated from contention. Sure, it looks like only these two organizations are still in it. But just when you think one of them is about to catch the last out, the Nationals could storm the field and make that catch instead. What happens then? Who knows. That's why I love America."

Washington Coach Manny Acta said his team is motivated by how few people are picking them to win it all. "We are not getting any respect from the news media, as usual. I think the disrespect given to our chances to win this World Series are just going to drive our guys to push harder to win this thing. All year we've been struggling for respect. When we would not get swept by the Mets in a 4-game series, did we receive the top story on SportsCenter? Of course not, because ESPN is only about pandering to the Tampa and Philadelphia markets. I think we'll surprise everyone at the World Series."
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The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or