Posted on: September 7, 2010 9:43 am

Bengals Warn Fans This Could Be Rebuilding Year

Cincinnati Bengals owner Mike Brown wanted to come out and be up front about his team's priorities for this season after looking at the roster after training camp.

"I know a lot of Bengals fans are going to be unhappy about the team we are putting out there for this season," said Brown in a press conference yesterday. "This is going to be a tough couple of months, because this team will not be what you guys expect from the Bengals. You are used to them choking within the first month, being buried by the Pittsburgh Steelers, and then being able to say 'Maybe next year..." by mid-October.

"Well, this year will be a little different, it may in fact be a rebuilding year. Somehow, someway, we've actually managed to acquire some good talent on both sides of the ball despite our best efforts to do otherwise. People in the sports media are predicting a wild card for us, or even a division title. That's not what our fanbase expects, and I'm sorry."

Cincinnati area fans are not taking the news well.

"I made plans for a weeklong family vacation spanning the last two Sundays of the season," said longtime fan Mike Gardin. "I didn't expect to still be caring about the Bengals in December! Now I'll have to be running to check scores in a bar, and hurrying back to the hotel to watch the games. How do normal NFL fans do it?! I've never had to care after November 1st before!"

Brown and head coach Marvin Lewis say it may take 2-3 years to rebuild this roster into the awful one that usually takes the field for the Bengals. They considered just releasing all 53 players at once, and filling the spots with ex-convicts and arena league players, but the NFL said that was not allowed. But they are hopeful that they will be able to balance out the talent on their roster with bad play calls, overtraining, and burning all game film, instead of letting their players study it.

"Please, suffer through this good team as we work to bring the Cincinnati Bengals back to where you all expect them to be," continued Brown. "I'm sorry this had to happen. But give us a couple more drafts to screw up, some big contracts to claim we can't afford to pay, and we'll be right back to normal. You'll have your Sundays back soon, Cincinnati residents. Until then, you may have to invite people over to watch some Bengals games on the weekends. It actually may be something on the field you want to see. I'm sorry."

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Posted on: August 10, 2010 7:54 am

Massive Crash Of NFL Writers Making Camp Tours

A huge car accident is being reported in eastern Ohio at the moment, the result of which is apparently an abundance of traffic by NFL reporters traveling between training camps. The roads in the northeast have been clogged for the past 2 weeks as hundreds of reporters from every website and news source imaginable are trekking between training camps for various NFL teams.

It is believed ESPN's John Clayton veered into oncoming traffic on I-43, near the border of Ohio and Kentucky, shortly after returning from Cincinnati Bengals camp and making his way to that of the Cleveland Browns. He collided with several vehicles going the other way including cars driven by Adam Schefter, Chris Mortensen, and a bus carrying John Madden.

The carnage was gruesome, as blood, broken glass, and handwritten notes on positional battles were strewn about the highway.

This crash comes right on the heels of West Virginia's governor coming out publicly against traveling beat reporters during recent weeks. He says the constant traffic jams and congestion due to thousands of writers, all with the same lame idea of traveling to every camp for live reports they could just have easily have done in the office, is too much for his roads to take.

It's unknown how the death of several sports writers at once will affect the coverage of the NFL preseason, but it's believed with so many out there, you'll hardly notice a difference. Peter King has said in addition to hitting all 32 NFL camps, he is also going to try to travel to every funeral of a beat writer who dies traveling between camps.



Posted on: September 18, 2008 9:56 am
Edited on: September 18, 2008 10:13 am

Store Running Out Of Paper Bags Ends In Tragedy

A tragic story came out of Cincinnati over the weekend as it was revealed that the entire section 104 of Paul Brown Stadium suffocated early in their game with the Tennessee Titans. Section 104, widely known around the Cincinnati area for fans who wear paper bags with the word "Bungles" on their heads in response to the team's horrible play. Apparently on Sunday, when season ticket holder Geoff Leblanc went to the local grocery store to pick up the weekly Bugles Bags, they were temporarily out of paper. A stock boy suggested they use plastic instead, and gave Geoff a stack of them to use for the game.

He wrote Bungles on the plastic bags in felt tip marker and handed them out among the section. By the second quarter of the game the Bengals were trailing by 3 touchdowns, and team officials began wondering why they were not being booed more heavily. "We are usually getting booed during the player introductions," said stadium manager Rich Egolf. "So it was very strange that we weren't hearing it from the fans after playing so poorly. We sent an intern over to check on section 104, usually our most vocal section, and he found them there. He then came back to me and told me of the 1000 or so dead people we had on our hands. Now, I will admit that originally I did ask him if he thought he would be able to load them into his car inconspicuously and drop them off outside of the Cleveland Browns stadium, but sadly he drove a VW Beetle, and didn't have the trunk space."

The mass deaths are said to be the largest stadium tragedy since the Miami Dolphins held Dan Marino Commemorative Pistol Night during last year's 1-15 season. In an attempt to smooth over relations with the families of the deceased, Mr. Egolf took the time to speak at each of the fan's funerals. He talked about their love of football, the Bengals, and reminded those in attendance that they now have extra season tickets available for purchase. He reminded them that if their loved ones were alive right now, they would probably be calling 1-800-CINCY-TIX.

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