Posted on: September 8, 2010 12:52 pm

Polamalu Wants To Play, But Hair Holding Out

by Brett Lay

The very picture of a somber mood is painted on the Steelers’ practice unit, as a light drizzle falls from the gray skies of this appropriately named “Steel City”, the sounds of pads popping and helmets clashing on the practice field not betraying the disappointment of one Troy Polamalu, the Steelers’ hard hitting Strong Safety.

Polamalu sits on the bench, stoically gazing at the battling gladiators as they hone their skills for the war that is the NFL season to come. Troy’s silent presence cheers on his compatriots even with just his physical proximity, although they know that the potential for disaster looms on the dreary horizon, and yet they valiantly fight the good fight without one of their key pieces.

Ever since long hair entered the league in the same draft class as Edgerrin James in 1999, it has continually fought from the realm of obscurity, to the forefront of the sporting world, revealing the mystery of its flowing prowess, stunning uselessness set against a backdrop of being overpaid to do virtually nothing.

In other words, Hair fought from baseline to be just as respected as any professional athlete alive today, along with all the hills and valleys that go with said fame.

It wasn’t long after that Hair (as he affectionately came to be known in the locker room) soon began to grow an equally large and flowing ego. It was awarded a new contract in the 2004 season, and with this came money, prestige, and fame. It was on center stage, and consumed with newfound power, it flaunted its presumed influence and assumption of being above the law on an unsuspecting populace. A criminal record soon formed, and long Hair began to keep the wrong kind of company.

Hair then went through a rough bout in early 2005 and was remanded into the custody of a Pennsylvania state prison institution for armed robbery and DUI. It was shortly after Troy Polamalu then saw the opportunity, and picked Hair up from waivers, thinking he could reform and redeem it, and restore it to its rightful standing.

Although many people still mocked long Hair, thinking it to be nothing more than another trend that would surely fall to the wayside, like the Wing T offense, goal posts on the goal line, or Soccer. This all changed in 2009, when Polamalu’s Hair single handedly won Super Bowl XL. Even subbing in for Ben Roethlisberger on a few run plays so the QB could catch his breath and field calls from the Lifetime network.

Hair truly appeared to be back on the good track, and looked to be heading towards the Hall of Fame that even this reporter predicted for it before the unfortunate Prell shampoo incident of 2005.

Unfortunately, all of these expectations were put on hold this week, when Hair insured itself for one million dollars, just to prove how awesome it was. Before announcing that unless it were to be paid a guaranteed “sixty gajillion” dollars this season, it was prepared to sit out.

“I tried to tell him,” announced Mike Tomlin, Steelers head coach, at a press conference Tuesday, “that nobody on anyone’s defense makes this kind of money, and we sure weren’t going to talk when he is currently signed to an existing contract.” He then leaned back and stroked his chin before continuing: “Also, I’m not even sure a gajillion is a real number, but if it is, the only one making that kind of money would be Peyton Manning.”

At this point, Peyton Manning appeared in a titanium warp-powered diamond encrusted time traveling space ship to confirm that not only is a gajillion a real amount, but that he did in fact make several of them, before beaming himself back into his vehicle and blasting off towards the Cartesian star system in the Delta Quadrant, where he owns a summer home.

All is not necessarily lost for the Steelers this season yet, though. Although Hair looks to have battened down the hatches, prepared to ride out this season on the bench, there may be an alternative for them yet.

“I could always just get a haircut, I guess,” said Polamalu.

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Posted on: August 26, 2010 7:50 am

Panthers Say Starting QB Battle Going To Overtime

The Carolina Panthers announced today that the battle for the starting quarterback job during preseason has ended in a tie. Both incumbent Matt Moore and Jimmy Clausen both tried hard to overcome the other in a tense competition, but neither was able to make a case that they should be a starting QB in the NFL.

"These guys both gave it their all, but in the end both of them just kind of suck," said Panthers head coach John Fox. "Just like a football game can go into overtime if it's two awful offenses who can't score, this thing is going to overtime as well."

QB competition overtime is very rare in the NFL. The rules are simple, both QBs line up behind center in the shotgun during the first regular game, hike the ball, and see who gets it and does the best over the course of the game. It's hard to run an effective offense with two players on your own team fighting for one ball on every snap, but this is the only way to settle the battle at this point.

"This could create quite a problem in game planning for these two quarterbacks on the field at the same time," said New Orleans Saints head coach Sean Payton. "If Clausen gets it on a given snap, we will have to plan for innacurate throws and crappy reads. But if Moore gets it, we'll have to get ready for overthrown balls and shitty mobility. These guys each suck in completely different ways, it's going to be tough to get ready for both of them."

The Panthers aren't sure how long this will continue. If the QB competition is still a tie after a couple games into the season, it will be declared a tie as in NFL overtime. John Fox says if that should happen he will probably just cut every quarterback on his roster and run the ball every down.

They will probably be doing that with either of these guys anyway, so the results should look about the same.

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Posted on: August 26, 2008 10:07 am
Edited on: August 26, 2008 10:20 am

Chad Given Keys To Dolphins Offense, Crashes It

Bill Parcells handed over the keys to Miami's offense yesterday to Chad Pennington, telling him to be careful with the new franchise he just got over the summer. The move surprised many, as Pennington had his quarterbacking license suspended last month in New York for bad driving. Several times last season he was pulled over by the coaching staff in the middle of games for a QUI, Quarterbacking Unbelievably Incompetently. He was seen swerving balls all over the field and driving the opposite way in traffic, often driving the offense into his own endzone. When pulled over, coaches had him attempt to throw a ball in a straight line, but he could not successfully do it.

Pennington wasted no time in showing that the decision to give him the keys was a bad one, as he played New England in a preseason game later that day and proceeded to crash the offense right in their prized defense. On the first play from scrimmage, Pennington was under big pressure as defensive tackles broke through the Dolphins offensive line and made him sail a pass over the head of Ricky Williams, who was then drilled hard into the ground by a defender. Chad was thrown to the ground after the play, and Parcells ran out onto the field yelling "What have you done to my brand new offense! It's ruined!" Old man Belichick, who takes great pride in his flower garden and defense, also ran out onto the field and surveyed the damage on his fence, "You think your offense if in bad shape, how about my defense! It is supposed to be training to play against good teams, and we have to warm up against this awfulness?! We will never be ready for the regular season!"

To pay off the damages, Pennington has agreed to quarterback the team throughout the season to a record bad enough for Parcells to draft a new offense in the offseason.

Posted on: August 26, 2008 10:03 am
Edited on: August 26, 2008 10:19 am

Falcons Decide Ryan Bad Enough To Start Already

The Atlanta Falcons have announced that Matt Ryan will start the season for them at quarterback, saying he is ready to lead the team to the 4-12 record they all know they are capable of. Ryan first impressed Falcons scouts for his ability to throw a football, something they hadn't seen in all the years with Michael Vick and Joey Harrington. "We're really excited about the possibility of doing something called a "pass" this season," said GM Rich McKay. "I've heard about other teams doing this in the past, and I'm glad we'll finally be able to try it. Apparently, they have even been able to get some touchdowns out of this pass thing, which we only got 2 or 3 times last year, so that will be very cool. We've even had to hire on some more stadium graphics people to work the giant screen. Originally we told them we didn't need graphics designed for things like "First Down", "Touchdown Atlanta", and "Falcons Win!", but now we might actually need them."

The Falcons had originally planned on making Ryan sit on the bench and learn from Harrington or one of the other experienced Atlanta QB's on how to properly lose in the NFL. But, after watching him in practice and the preseason, they are confident he can do that job immediately. "When he threw his first interception of the preseason I knew he was going to be our QB," said McKay. "It was an NFL level interception, this kid is ready to do it when it counts."

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