Tag:training
Posted on: September 7, 2010 9:43 am
 

Bengals Warn Fans This Could Be Rebuilding Year

Cincinnati Bengals owner Mike Brown wanted to come out and be up front about his team's priorities for this season after looking at the roster after training camp.

"I know a lot of Bengals fans are going to be unhappy about the team we are putting out there for this season," said Brown in a press conference yesterday. "This is going to be a tough couple of months, because this team will not be what you guys expect from the Bengals. You are used to them choking within the first month, being buried by the Pittsburgh Steelers, and then being able to say 'Maybe next year..." by mid-October.

"Well, this year will be a little different, it may in fact be a rebuilding year. Somehow, someway, we've actually managed to acquire some good talent on both sides of the ball despite our best efforts to do otherwise. People in the sports media are predicting a wild card for us, or even a division title. That's not what our fanbase expects, and I'm sorry."

Cincinnati area fans are not taking the news well.

"I made plans for a weeklong family vacation spanning the last two Sundays of the season," said longtime fan Mike Gardin. "I didn't expect to still be caring about the Bengals in December! Now I'll have to be running to check scores in a bar, and hurrying back to the hotel to watch the games. How do normal NFL fans do it?! I've never had to care after November 1st before!"

Brown and head coach Marvin Lewis say it may take 2-3 years to rebuild this roster into the awful one that usually takes the field for the Bengals. They considered just releasing all 53 players at once, and filling the spots with ex-convicts and arena league players, but the NFL said that was not allowed. But they are hopeful that they will be able to balance out the talent on their roster with bad play calls, overtraining, and burning all game film, instead of letting their players study it.

"Please, suffer through this good team as we work to bring the Cincinnati Bengals back to where you all expect them to be," continued Brown. "I'm sorry this had to happen. But give us a couple more drafts to screw up, some big contracts to claim we can't afford to pay, and we'll be right back to normal. You'll have your Sundays back soon, Cincinnati residents. Until then, you may have to invite people over to watch some Bengals games on the weekends. It actually may be something on the field you want to see. I'm sorry."

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Posted on: August 11, 2010 7:48 am
 

Raiders Fans Holding Out From Training Camp

The Oakland Raiders still could not come to an agreement with their fans today to get them to return this season. This marks week 2 of the holdout by all Raiders fans, who are demanding a new contract that guarantees the team will at least be competitive for at least a month into the season. The fans have said, if an agreement can't be reached, they want to be traded before the season begins to a competitor like the Colts.

"We want assurances that this team will reward us for our efforts," said a representative of the fans. "For years we have come out to games, dressed in ridiculous leather outfits with crazy helmets and spikes. We give 110% out there, and are rewarded with crap like Daunte Culpepper as our best QB of the last 8 years? Unacceptable! We are great fans, and deserve better than these Raiders!"

Team officials said they are trying to come to an agreement with their fanbase, and really wants them to attend training camp.

"Just come and see the exciting pieces we've got over the offseason," said owner Al Davis. "We finally got rid of that JaMarcus Russell, and we got that quarterback who wasn't very good in Washington. Just imagine what he can do in a Raiders uniform! Let me just read you some names; MichaelBush, Zach Miller, Justin Fargas...If you've never heard of these guys, don't worry, neither have I. But apparently, they were our best offensive players last year. So get excited!"

It's believed the two sides are still far apart on the negotiating points, with the fans once again pointing to the Colts fans as an example.

"Those Colts fans don't know how good they have it!" said the fan's Rep. "They get to sit indoors, they don't even dress up as anything, and they get to go to the AFC title game every year?! Ridiculous! What would they dress up as anyway? A horse? We want a deal like that, and if Oakland can't give it to us, we'll take our fan services on the open market. I'm sure a team like the Jaguars would love to have even a few people coming to their stadium!"

As negotiations continue, the mood remains tense in Oakland. Both sides plan to meet again later this week.

SportsComedian.com

Posted on: August 10, 2010 7:54 am
 

Massive Crash Of NFL Writers Making Camp Tours

A huge car accident is being reported in eastern Ohio at the moment, the result of which is apparently an abundance of traffic by NFL reporters traveling between training camps. The roads in the northeast have been clogged for the past 2 weeks as hundreds of reporters from every website and news source imaginable are trekking between training camps for various NFL teams.

It is believed ESPN's John Clayton veered into oncoming traffic on I-43, near the border of Ohio and Kentucky, shortly after returning from Cincinnati Bengals camp and making his way to that of the Cleveland Browns. He collided with several vehicles going the other way including cars driven by Adam Schefter, Chris Mortensen, and a bus carrying John Madden.

The carnage was gruesome, as blood, broken glass, and handwritten notes on positional battles were strewn about the highway.

This crash comes right on the heels of West Virginia's governor coming out publicly against traveling beat reporters during recent weeks. He says the constant traffic jams and congestion due to thousands of writers, all with the same lame idea of traveling to every camp for live reports they could just have easily have done in the office, is too much for his roads to take.

It's unknown how the death of several sports writers at once will affect the coverage of the NFL preseason, but it's believed with so many out there, you'll hardly notice a difference. Peter King has said in addition to hitting all 32 NFL camps, he is also going to try to travel to every funeral of a beat writer who dies traveling between camps.

SportsComedian.com

 

Posted on: July 27, 2010 7:45 am
 

Man From Something Called A Newspaper Detained

NFL training camps kicked off today around the country, and the drama of players battling for roster spots was not the only excitement to take place. In Miami Dolphins training camp, a suspicious man was held by security after he tried to tell team officials he was with a news organization called the Miami Herald.

The obviously fabricated media outlet was said to be something called a "newspaper" by the man, who pleaded with Dolphins security that he was indeed an actual reporter. Bloggers and television reporters knew nothing of this Miami Herald or newspapers, and said this was all probably some kind of elaborate hoax. The man was released after it was determined he was no real threat, just a crazy old man holding onto the past, and was told to go read about the Dolphins on the internet like everybody else.

ESPN broke into programming to report the story and sports blogs around the country immediately began covering the incident, and the internet was abuzz with people researching these newspapers. According to wikipedia, and other vague mentions that people across the message boards could put together, newspapers were a daily printed account of sports news. It was sent out as many as 18 hours after a sporting event concluded, long after everyone should have already known the result.

These printed papers were then put into a plastic bag and thrown wildly into your yard every morning by a young boy on a bicycle. You would then have to go out into the wet grass, retrieve your paper, and then wade through pages of ads to find the sports section. Apparently you also had to pay for this massive inconvenience.

Conspiracy websites immediately sprang up, claiming that obviously Wikipedia was vandalized, as this sounded way too crazy to actually be true.

SportsComedian.com

 
 
 
 
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