Vengeance

It's been a wild season of pitching this year in Major League Baseball, with five no hitters and two perfect games so far this year, but yesterday's events may just be the icing on the cake. Only 24 hours after Matt Garza tossed the first no-no in Tampa Bay Rays history, teen singing sensation Justin Bieber was on hand to throw out the first pitch at the Cincinnati Reds game.

But Bieber's pitch looked so unhittable, manager Dusty Baker decided to just leave him in there for the rest of the game.

"He had a no-hitter going after that first pitch, you can't take a pitcher out when he's got something going like that," said Baker after the game. "That first pitch was so unlike anything I've ever seen before. It couldn't even reach the plate, it sort of bounced off the ground and then way over the catcher's head. I knew no one could come close to hitting something so horrible, so I told the kid he was staying in there to finish this thing."

Pitching in street clothes, Bieber baffled the Milwaukee Brewers for 8 dazzling innings, who were likely so confused by the turn of events they couldn't concentrate on hitting the ball.

"Wow, my daughter isn't going to believe I was struck out by Justin 3 times in one game," said All-Star Prince Fielder. "I couldn't hit a home run off that kid, despite the fact the couple balls that he managed to get to the plate were right in my zone. My daughter wouldn't have spoken to me for a year!"

Bieber's agent was happy with the performance of his client, but furious at Baker's mismanagement.

"Obviously he should have been pulled after that first pitch," said the agent, Saul Washington. "Justin is supposed to be on a pitch count! We talked to Dusty beforehand and he said that count would be one, maybe two pitches. This kid has a bright future ahead of symbolic athletic honors before games. I want him to be able to sing a national anthem, toss a coin, or wave a flag at a NASCAR event. Now his whole career could be in jeopardy."

Bieber was backed up by some stellar defense behind him to pick up the no hitter, but it really served to highlight that indeed anyone can pitch a perfect game this year.

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Things just got more heated for Lane Kiffin and the USC Trojans. On the same day it was announced their entire 2004 National Championship might be on the line after Reggie Bush's academic violations, the Tennessee Titans said they would sue Lane Kiffin for his hiring away of one of their assistant coaches. But that wasn't all, as the University of Tennessee revealed they would also be suing Kiffin after bolted their school last year, under charges of being "a complete dick".

"Lane Kiffin is a dick, a big hairy dick" read the legal document filed today in Tennessee court. "He is a bastard that should never have left us in a lurch like this. He deserves to be legally bound to rot in hell, and also give us a lot of money... or something like that... You decide, you're the judge. But rest assured, we have lots of evidence that he is a total dick."

ESPN legal analyst James Walters says the case could be a hard one to settle. "Dick law in this country is very interpretive," said Walters. "What some people consider to be a dick move like abandoning your school shortly after joining, could just be seen as a cocksucker move by someone else. There aren't many precedents for dick cases in this country, it's going to be a very interesting trial."

It's speculated that the Kiffin Is A Dick lawsuit could go as high as the supreme court eventually.

"I would love to see a good dick case make it into my court," said Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg. "It's been quite awhile since I've had one in here, and I've almost forgot how nice it feels to put one on trial. I remember in my early days, I would be trying dick cases left and right, it seemed every young lawyer was just waiting to sue a dick with me. These dick cases are just so big, and full of...sweeping legal ramifications...oh boy, is it getting hot in here?"

The lawsuit is expected to go to trial soon in Tennessee, around the same time as the lawsuit from the Titans. It will be an interesting few weeks for Kiffin as he will have to make a strong case for not being a total dick. His lawyers have said it's going to be a tough sell, the only people who will believe he's not a dick are those with no knowledge of sports, or who have never heard the man speak. It will be tough to find a jury composed completely of people like that.

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Major League Baseball announced today that the Baltimore Orioles have agreed to an assignment to the AA Eastern League for the remainder of the 2010 season. The Orioles, who are currently in last place in the American League East Division and who lay claim to the worst record in Major League Baseball, will be replaced in the majors by their promising minor league affiliate, the Bowie Baysox. The Baysox, who made the AA playoffs as recently as 2008, are currently in second place in the Western Division and are in the midst of a tight battle with the Altoona Curve for the division title.

“I’m not going to lie” said Orioles interim manager Juan Samuel. “This is going to be a tough pill to swallow. As a team, you just don’t want to ever admit that you’re not the club you once were. This is a proud organization that has had its share of success. We’ve won World Series Championships and had great Hall of Fame Players like Jim Palmer and Brooks Robinson and Frank Robinson. If you ask me, things started going downhill for us about the time Cal Ripken, Jr. retired and that piece of crap Rafael Palmeiro started making erectile dysfunction commercials and lying to Congress.”

Samuel said the meeting with Bud Selig was strained at times, but ultimately the team understood the League’s position. “We’ve had our opportunities the last decade and we just haven’t performed. There comes a time in every team’s career when you have to admit that maybe you aren’t as marketable as you used to be, that maybe your uniforms look dated and your logo just isn’t very cool. When you’re winning that stuff doesn’t matter, but when you’re losing the little things add up.”

“We felt it was time to give one of our younger teams a chance” said Selig, “the Baysox have shown a lot of promise in the Eastern League this season and we feel at this time they could compete as well, if not better than the Orioles when it comes to playing real Major League teams like the Tampa Bay Rays, the New York Yankees and the Boston Red Sox. Sure they will be overmatched, but frankly so was Baltimore, and this can be a great learning experience for them.”

Selig went on to predict that the move could also work out well for the Orioles who will get to spend some time playing in a league more suited to their abilities and where they will actually have a legitimate shot to compete for a division championship. “They have a real chance of a winning record in the Eastern League,” said Selig “Granted they won’t be the favorites, not against teams like the Trenton Thunder and the New Hampshire Fisher Cats. But if they put in the work and prove they are capable of playing professional baseball at a high level again, then we will be more than happy to welcome them back to the American League East.”

The move is of course contingent on the team clearing waivers, but it’s believed no other league would dare pick up such an awful franchise. The NBA laughed at the thought of taking them off waivers, saying that they already had a Memphis Grizzlies franchise they are out of options on. The MLS said they might take a look at the Orioles, as even they are more popular than any team they currently have.

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NFL training camps kicked off today around the country, and the drama of players battling for roster spots was not the only excitement to take place. In Miami Dolphins training camp, a suspicious man was held by security after he tried to tell team officials he was with a news organization called the Miami Herald.

The obviously fabricated media outlet was said to be something called a "newspaper" by the man, who pleaded with Dolphins security that he was indeed an actual reporter. Bloggers and television reporters knew nothing of this Miami Herald or newspapers, and said this was all probably some kind of elaborate hoax. The man was released after it was determined he was no real threat, just a crazy old man holding onto the past, and was told to go read about the Dolphins on the internet like everybody else.

ESPN broke into programming to report the story and sports blogs around the country immediately began covering the incident, and the internet was abuzz with people researching these newspapers. According to wikipedia, and other vague mentions that people across the message boards could put together, newspapers were a daily printed account of sports news. It was sent out as many as 18 hours after a sporting event concluded, long after everyone should have already known the result.

These printed papers were then put into a plastic bag and thrown wildly into your yard every morning by a young boy on a bicycle. You would then have to go out into the wet grass, retrieve your paper, and then wade through pages of ads to find the sports section. Apparently you also had to pay for this massive inconvenience.

Conspiracy websites immediately sprang up, claiming that obviously Wikipedia was vandalized, as this sounded way too crazy to actually be true.

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Lately no NFL off-season is complete without discussions surrounding Terrell Owens and which team is desperate enough to take the risk in signing him to a contract.

Last year the Buffalo Bills took a chance on the embattled receiver, and he responded with his lowest receptions, yards and touchdown numbers since his final season with the Philadelphia Eagles. This year, it appears that no NFL team may be stupid enough to add Owens to their roster.

However it appears Owens has refused to let his dream of destroying another franchise die and has taken matters into his own hands. TSC has received a copy of a mass e-mail that Owens has sent to all NFL owners and General Managers in hopes of suckering one of them into signing him:

Attention Dearest Kind NFL Owner/GM:

Greetings this fine day, I hope this correspondence finds you in good health and of cheer. My name is Mr. Terrell Owens and I write to confirm to you that I am a most excellent and efficient wide receiver who has had the honor of playing for many teams including the 49ers of SAN FRANCISCO, the EAGLES of PHILADELPHIA and the Cowboys of DALLAS, TEXAS.

Recently, I have the good fortune of recently inheriting a release from a well known organization located in the city of BUFFALO known as the BILLS, and though my talents are extremely valuable and sought after, thus far no team has come forward to claim me. Because of this, I am seeking the opportunity and pleasure of servicing your NFL team this season. In exchange for my running and catching of footballs, all I ask it that you would wire $10M.USD (TEN MILLION US DOLLARS) to my personal representative, Drew Rosenhaus. Once funds are received I will show us at your training camp and provide you with my talent.

Please provide the utmost confidentiality regarding this correspondence, and be rest assured that this will be a most profitable transaction for both of us. I humbly. . .no, I eagerly await your response and look forward to your most timely reply.

Sincerely yours,
Mr. Terrell Owens

Several NFL owners phoned the league office after receiving these unsolicited e-mails, and were assured that the league plans to take immediate action and will implement updated software designed to curb future correspondence from Owens.

"We have top IT people working right now to make sure this T.O. Virus does not actually harm any of your teams," said Commissioner Roger Goodell. "Nobody wants this horrible thing to infect your franchise."

Goodell went on to ask that the owners please don't click on any links from an Owens email address. Some common schemes of this virus are the following:

• An African Prince named Mel Kiper wants to wire you undiscovered college standouts, one named Terrell Owens.
• Buying Owens now can result in your playoff chances growing an astounding 3-5 inches in only two weeks.
• You can get the free services of a hall of fame receiver just for filling out a short survey(that receiver then turns out to be Terrell Owens).

In the wake of the Heisman committee announcing they were exploring possibly revoking Reggie Bush's 2005 Heisman trophy, comes more bad news for the runningback. The NFL has said that it too will investigate strong evidence that he is currently being given heaps money by a group known as the "New Orleans Saints", as well as several major corporations for sponsorships.

"We are looking seriously at the evidence here that Bush is currently getting $15 million a year from the Saints and $5 million more from advertisers," said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell in a press conference today. "Wow, that is an awful lot of money for a back who average less than 500 yards a season and gets injured all the time. I have seen him pitching me Subway more on Sundays than I see him involved in plays on the field."

Goodell says that while nothing is in the rules against the athletes receiving money once they go pro, this is nonetheless troubling. The NFL bylaws clearly state that crappy players are supposed to get crappy money. Unless, of course, they are gross mistakes like a Ryan Leaf or Jamarcus Russell, in which case they are simply cut and laughed out of football.

Other NFL players such as Aaron Rodgers have long been trying to help sell five dollar footlongs, but have been rejected. This despite seriously better careers. Subway's response was that they want to set realistic expectations for people at home, not everyone can be a starting quarterback for a historic franchise, and eating a sub won't get you there. But maybe a 3rd string runningback with a penchant for injuries is possible, if you head into a Subway today.

Goodell says they are considering revoking one of the awards he received in the NFL, just as soon as they figure out what awards he has won. Apparently interns have been searching through the archives attempting to find some accolade, any accolade at all, so that they could revoke it. They concluded that Bush does have a 2nd place ribbon from the week 11 Player Of The Week award in 2007. They will consider taking that away, but it's believed he just threw it in the trash upon receiving it.

He also was the only football player nominated for the Male Athlete Of The Year in the BET Awards the last three years, but BET says they are not taking those honors away.

"He was the only sensible choice in football for those years," said a BET spokesman. "He almost had 500 yards a couple times in there, and nearly double digit touchdowns! Those are huge numbers! Plus it's not like there are many black football players out there we have to choose from. It's a very select pool! Obviously he was the best black player the last three years, money or not!"

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by Matt Webb

Just a few weeks ago, almost 10 million people inexplicably tuned in to ESPN to watch LeBron James announce where he would be playing basketball this fall. Banking on the success of that show and out of frustration with the perpetual indecision of Brett Favre, ESPN announced this week that they will be spinning off a new decision special that they are calling “Brett Favre - Make This [CENSORED]ing Decision, [CENSORED]hole.”

According to the announcement, the show will feature an interview in which a grizzled Favre refuses to provide specific answers to any questions, and talks about how much his body is hurting these days. We will also see highlights of Favre stretching, jogging around a track and throwing passes to high school wide receivers and/or guys wearing Wrangler blue jeans.

The show will offer cameos by individuals personally affected by Favre’s indecisiveness, like his wife, Deanna, Viking season ticket holders, millions of fantasy football players who plan to waste a first round pick on Favre, and a local Hattiesburg, MS bakery owner who refuses to dedicate any more time or money to yet another Favre retirement cake.

In the show’s climactic conclusion, Coach Brad Childress will show up outside Favre’s door with two huge Viking defensive linemen who will then proceed to literally put Favre’s nuts into a vice until he reveals his decision about returning to the NFL. “I’m tired of this s**t!” said Coach Childress, “How am I supposed to sleep at night when I keep having visions of an offense led by Sage Rosenfels or Tarvaris Jackson?!?! I swear if it comes to that, we are just gonna snap the ball to Adrian Peterson.”

ESPN says the special's broadcast date and time will be announced soon.

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The Vampire Baseball Players Union today released a scathing report about the rash of broken bats taking place at MLB games all across the country. It has reached near epidemic proportions in recent years, with multiple bats per game shattering into dangerous shards of wood.

Vampire Union president Randy Johnson spoke out against the troublesome bats.

"These are an extreme danger to any vampire who may be on the mound," said an irate Johnson. "In all my years of being a creepy, pale, unnatural looking vampire out there on the rubber, I have never seen so many stakes fly right at people. It's just a matter of time before one goes right through someone's heart, and we have a pile of burning clothes where a decent family loving vampire's body used to be."

He went on to call the stakes exploding from bats borderline racist, and asked how African Americans would feel if bats exploded and fried chicken came out. He said clearly the bat manufacturers are designing these things as an insult to Transylvanian-Americans.

Other vampires are weighing in on the matter, such as Eternal Undead Jamie Moyer.

"I've personally had to dodge several of these things over the years," said Moyer. "Luckily I'm older than even the game of baseball, so I've learned how to get away from flying stakes, but I'm worried about these young blood suckers. Between this and all the day games I keep complaining to the schedulers about, it's just dangerous out there for us. Next thing you know they'll be pretending like Sammy Sosa's garlicked bat incident didn't happen."

The Vampire Union says it will wait for a solution from Louisville Slugger, the manufacturers of all MLB bats, but not forever. They then said they could technically wait forever due to their immortality, but would only give them another Twilight movie or two to find fix.

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