Vengeance

"We have long been the target of law enforcement, as they attempt to unfairly shame us and put our species in jails and zoos," said Modakai from behind a podium. "My people will not stand idly by while this continues. I'm glad it is finally coming to everyone's attention what I've been complaining about for years, to the girl who comes and feeds me dead ox flesh every day. Police are framing us, especially the Panthers, as they are both large jungle cats and black. It's the worst of both worlds."

"How did I end up in this zoo, doing 10 to 20, you may ask? I was pulled over about a mile from my home at around 1:00 in the morning. The officer asked me if I had been drinking, and I told him it was a logistical impossibility to hold a beer bottle with my paws. He told me to show him my license, and I kindly informed him I did not have one, as I was an endangered black panther. The next thing I knew I was being dragged out of my Cadillac Escalade, beaten, and then tazed. It was humiliating. Mark my words human cops, your day is coming. When the cats rebel against their people overlords, we will see who is laughing. You can not eat our heads, but we can swallow yours in one bite. Think about that before you arrest another one of us."

SportsComedian.com

Before every season, despite having the entire pool of retired talent to pull from, the multiple NFL pre-game shows hold a draft for players and coaches who have just come out of the game. Bill Cowher was the number one pick last year by CBS, and has played very well this season for their team. His ability to laugh incessantly at the other former players non-jokes is right on par with some of the best in the business. His predictions on the outcomes of games have been just as random and inaccurate as the other talking heads on TV.

It's unknown where Dungy will fall in this year's draft. He does have a lot going for him in that he's been a great coach, won a super bowl, and is very well-known in front of the camera. But, he's also a quite man with an odd speaking voice, it's unknown if his personality is douchy enough to jive with the atmosphere of a pre-game show. If you don't think Frank Caliendo's Terry Bradshaw and John Madden impersonations are funny the 500th time, you are usually benched by FOX. But one thing Dungy has going for him is the fact that he's African-American, but yet unimposing and not very big. That hits several key demos that networks are looking for.

The first pick in this year's draft will of course go to ESPN's NFL Match-Up which features Merril Hoge and Ron Jaworski breaking down game film more in-depth than any casual fan wants to do. It's like going to school, and they are the lowest rated and number one pick yet again because of it. However, they typically trade their number one pick away for bizarre items Hoge demands when high from sniffing those dry-erase markers he uses to circle plays. Last year they traded their pick to CBS for 200 pounds of candy corn, before that it was a trade for a Heisman trophy replica statue made entirely of butter.

If they pass on Dungy again this year in favor of some odd food item, he could go anywhere. FOX is really in search of a black man to bolster their current roster. If Curt Menefee goes down with an injury, they currently have no backup. CBS and ESPN meanwhile have a more balanced attack, and therefore may not need him. The real key could be how he performs in those asinine segments where the host act out plays on a small field. No one can understand what the hell is going on because they are so unorganized and slow, but every show seems to love them. Dungy better start practicing.

SportsComedian.com

With their 3rd loss in 4 games last night to the Washington Wizards, the Boston Celtics fell to a lowly 30-6. "The standard set by Boston sports teams is extremely high, and the Celtics simply aren't living up to it by merely having the best record in all the NBA," said Lord Chief Curt Schilling of the Boston Sports Confederation. The BSC is a group of the highest ranking sports figures in the Beantown area including Manny Ramirez, Jonathan Papelbon, Tom Brady, Bill Belichick, and Marc Savard of the Bruins.

The statement from Schilling pre-dated yesterday's loss to the Wizards, and makes the BSC prime suspects in the crime that happened following the game. After the 88-83 loss, the Celtics were leaving TD Banknorth Garden(their stadium is actually named this nonsense) when they were accosted by a group of unknown attackers. They were left bloody and beaten behind the arena, and police are looking for clues.

Chief Inspector Roger Gadget was put in charge of the investigation. At a press conference he called for all Boston citizens to come forward if they had any information about the attack. He said he had no leads as of yet, but that he was looking for them with all of his ability. He then proceeded to yell "Go Go Gadget Helicopter", at which point giant blades came out of his hat and made him fly up into the air. While Gadget has yet to find any clues, a little girl and an anthropomorphic dog who were also at the scene told The Sports Comedian they had a suspicion it was the BSC behind the attack.

"When you read the quote they made about the Celtics it gets you thinking," said the girl who identified herself as Penny. "I've analyzed the body of Paul Pierce here. Now, someone obviously beat him, mostly in the face, and then took a crap on him. But looking at the crap you can see there is Northern Idaho corn in that very feces. There is only one place that serves Northern Idaho corn in the area, and that is a KFC that just happens to be less than 3 miles from Bill Belichick's home. Also notice the indentation on the forehead of Kevin Garnett here, it's from a ring so big it could be one of only two types. Either Kobe Bryant's I-didn't-rape-that-girl ring he gave to his wife, or a Super Bowl ring."

"I just want to thank God, for helping me to finally overcome Peyton Manning," said Leaf in a speech after accepting his certificate. "He couldn't win his second Super Bowl, but I've won this award two months in a row! Suck it Peyton! Suck it!" His ending to the speech was made more awkward by the fact the presentation was not being televised, and there was a 15-year-old male fry cook named Peyton in attendance.

Leaf's performance on Sunday was very impressive going 33 of 44 in combo supersize upgrades for 233 orders, but he did have 2 interceptions, something he can't avoid even in the fast food business. While being a total bust in the NFL, Leaf has been an outstanding microwave chef and assistant manager at the West Texas Arby's, where he's worked since his retirement at the age of 26. He has set records for fastest Big Beef N Cheddar prep, most diet sodas drunk without a bathroom break, and holds the career Arby's mark for sleeping with barely of age female employees who don't know any better.

SportsComedian.com

Congress called a press conference today to announce that they are striking the last 12 years of baseball records out of the books. Long known to have had an interest in the steroid scandals that have plagued baseball over the past decade, many people believe the records were being abolished because of this. But it is actually due to the fact that the government stationed so many undercover agents inside baseball, they are now the only players left in the game. The world was left confused and bewildered by this reveal.

Senator Howard Thompson explains, "About 20 years ago we caught word of rampart steroid use in Major League Baseball. We knew that as Congress we had to get something done to stop these drugs from taking over the game. So we put FBI agents into spring training camps in hopes of keeping an eye on some of the players, see how far steroids had spread. It worked well, and we were getting some good information that first year so we kept adding agents every offseason. Eventually, about some 12 years ago, virtually every player left on major league rosters was actually an undercover agent."

"It all started with Chief Investigator Barry Bonds, put into the Pirates organization in 1986," added Representative Michael Gerhan. "He was just supposed to last until the season started and get a feel for the steroids situation, but somehow he actually made the team. At some point he went rogue, and began using the substance he was supposed to police. We tried to take him down by adding more undercover agents, but were unable to get close enough to him. From there he went on to win 7 MVP awards and become the all-time home run leader. There have been several massive failings of the FBI over the past decade, and that probably stems from the fact that 98% of our operatives are investigating baseball."

Congress admits it may have taken too great an interest in steroids and baseball, and perhaps it should have worried about other issues. It's unknown at this time just how many agents there are still in MLB, but most records are now being abolished due to the fact they were set by people merely pretending to be players. Even Ichiro Suzuki has been revealed as a Tokyo Intelligence operative. "This is a sad day for baseball," said Thompson. "But a good day for Congress as we admit our mistakes and begin to focus on things that really matter. Say, let's talk about taxes...alright, who knows how those even work?"