Posted on: July 16, 2010 7:29 am

NCAA Investigating How UNC FB Had Winning Record

The NCAA announced today that the North Carlina Tar Heels football program is being put under review after it was realized that they somehow had 8-5 records the past two seasons. The discovery happened today when college officials were looking at the books for last season to decide early season schedules, and sure enough next to North Carolina it said 8-5.

The schedule maker immediately phoned his boss, and asked if he remembered anything about North Carolina actually not sucking at football. His boss responded that he sort of remembered hearing that once or twice on ESPN, but because it wasn't February or March and it was North Carolina, he didn't really pay attention.

"Obviously there has been some cheating of some kind," said the head of NCAA's investigations committee. "Schools like North Carolina just don't win football games. Look at Duke's recent records: 1-11, 4-8, 5-7. That is a school playing by the rules! 8-5 two years in a row? Bowl appearances? This thing stinks to high heaven!"

Some theories thrown about as to how they got winning records range from normal accusations like illegal recruiting or academic cheating to more outlandish theories like changing record books, time travel, and erasing everyone's memories with those pens from the Men In Black movies.

"We are not leaving any stone unturned on this investigation, I can promise you that!" said the spokesman. "We've already contacted Michael J Fox to find out everything he knows about going back in time to help your sports team win games they aren't supposed to. We have also contacted the writers of Star Trek to see if wormholes might be involved. We have lots of theories, and I'm sure one of them is going to be proven true."

Time travel or wormhole violations have no precedent in college football, but it's believe games could be forfeited until their record looks more like the 3-4 wins everyone thinks North Carolina should have. USC has contacted the NCAA to see if they could have some of those wins given to them, should they be taken away from NC.


Posted on: July 13, 2010 7:40 am

Display Of Fake Emotion Following Spainís Win

2010’s version of the World Cup is now complete and the club from Spain outlasted the Netherlands and all other contenders to hoist the trophy for the first time in their country’s history. The tournament that was marked by a breathtaking display of professional flopping and feigned injuries not seen since. . .well since the 2006 World Cup, and the final match, resulting in Spain’s 1-0, victory was the perfect culmination of an entire month of staged pratfalls and exaggerated pain that soccer fans had grown accustomed to over the years.

Following their victory, the Spanish team took to the stage to accept their trophy. They appeared, to those who didn’t know any better, to be sincerely overcome with joy as manufactured tears streamed down their cheeks.

Spain’s coach Vicente del Bosque Gonzalez took to the microphone to accept the trophy and congratulate his team on their performance.  “Never have I been more proud of a group of grown men who fall straight to the ground at the slightest hint of contact and who then flail around like they have just severed an appendage.  These guys are the best in the world.  But I must give credit to the Dutch team as well, they played a great match and put on a great show.  I know if I weren’t a professional coach who understands the art of flopping, I might have believed that a few of their players were truly injured and in incredible pain.”

The player of the game had to be Spanish midfielder Andrés Iniesta, who not only scored the winning goal, but flopped a game leading 9 times. It was announced shortly before the award ceremony that not only did he win the MVP award, but also was nominated for a Primetime Emmy in the United States for best leading actor in a flop.

“This is a big moment for me,” said Iniesta, sporting a huge, unbelievable smile. “I have prepared for this celebration my whole life, starting from the time I was a little boy pretending to fall and roll around in pain whenever a girl pushed me.  All my years of overreacting has led me to this.  I couldn’t even lie on my pillow and pretend to sleep last night, I just kept standing in front of the mirror practicing my excited faces, and now its finally paid off.”

"I also want to thank those in America for the Primetime Emmy nomination. To be put up against the likes of Jay Mohr for his awful sitcom Gary Unmarried, I have never seen a show flop so hard. It really fills me with pride."

When questioned regarding the authenticity of the tears welling up in his eyes, the star confirmed they were indeed staged, but added “Crying on cue isn’t easy. Most people think you can just grab a diced onion or some mined garlic, but those items aren’t readily available on a soccer pitch. But I learned that if you reach into your shorts and rip out a handful of pubes while no one is looking, it makes the tears flow much easier.”

After the seemingly heartfelt words of their coach and star player, the Spanish team left the podium at which time their smiles faded and their tears of joy immediately dried up.


Posted on: June 30, 2010 7:36 am

USA Declares War On Ghana After Loss, Can't Find

After a disappointing loss to Ghana in the round of 16 at the World Cup, an infuriated United States immediately declared war on the country that ousted them 2-1 in extra time.

"America was so close to getting into soccer," said President Barack Obama. "After that exciting last minute win over Algeria we were all in Landon Donovan and...that goalkeeper guy that wears the different shirt. We almost knew two soccer players names at one time! But then Ghana comes in an destroys that dream. They will pay for this, our army will make sure of that!"

But the military action may prove more difficult than originally thought, as no one seems to know where the country of Ghana is on a map, nor had they heard of it before this World Cup. Senior Pentagon officials subpoenaed game prep documents from the soccer game's announcers and were able to surmise it's in Africa, but it will take some time to pinpoint the exact location for an invasion.

"I don't know where this country is, but we're gonna just take the navy over there, and drive around until we find it," said one General who asked to remain nameless. "I'm sure there will be a sign or something in the ocean telling us where it is. Once we find them, we're gonna lay the hammer down with the full power of our military might!"

"I tried to get the President to authorize me to finish the job Bush started in destroying New Orleans, after they beat my Jets in the Super Bowl, but he wouldn't allow it. I'm glad he's finally come around to realize sports revenge is a necessity. They may have beat us in a soccer game, but we'll see who still has a country not in smoldering ruins come next week..."


Posted on: June 20, 2009 10:00 am

Magician To Try Surviving Whole Year As Lions Fan

David Blaine, the street magician who is famous for his longterm stunts, such as being submerged in water for 30 days or hung above New York for weeks on end, has announced he will begin a new stunt this September. This might be his most treacherous feat yet, and one doctors have advised him not to attempt.

He will try to survive an entire season as a Detroit Lions fan. He has been preparing his body for the constant losing over the summer by watching Washington Nationals games, but nothing can truly prepare you for the horror of watching the real thing. He has bought a Matthew Stafford jersey, and even set the Lions to his favorite team on his Facebook. He will attempt to stay interested in them for the whole year, despite however bad things may get in the standings.

Doctors warn that being a Lions fan is extremely dangerous, and unhealthy for his psyche. They caution that too much exposure to such an awful franchise could result in permanent damage. But the stuntman is unwavering in his dedication to this new plan. Tune in this Fall to see if he can survive the ordeal.

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Posted on: June 20, 2009 9:51 am

Lucky No Good B*st*rd Impregnates 2nd Model

Apparently that lucky son of a bitch Tom Brady has impregnated his second super model with a child, this time his new wife, Gisele Bunchen. The no good bastard says he and his wife are very happy to be expecting their first child. That makes two models down on this prick's quest to make sure all of the offspring of 21st century supermodels belongs to him.

I've been a beatwriter for these Pats for 20 years, and you are the worst quarterback I've ever seen. Do you know how many models I've been with? Do you know how many women I've been with who could even be remotely considered models even in a plus size catalogue? Zero Tom! Zero!

To celebrate the news, the piece of shit is taking his wife down to his winter home in the Bahamas on his twenty million f*cking dollar yacht. The assh*le went so far as to say he is starting his own children's charity which will raise enough money, he hopes, to have a real shot at curing children's cancer. What a d*ck.

Brady says he doesn't know when the baby will be arriving, but says it will probably be before a certain sportswriter's wife goes on a diet or learns how to clean the kitchen. Muscles, millions, talent, fame, and good looks weren't enough for you, were they Brady? You had to go out and tag half of the very Victoria's Secret catalogue I used last night? That's low, you f*cker.

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Posted on: June 16, 2009 12:47 pm

MLB Network To Show NFL Games To Boost Ratings

MLB Network today announced a deal with the National Football League to carry 14 preseason games this upcoming August, in an attempt to boost sagging ratings.

"This is an exciting deal for this network," said MLB Network president Rich Yarborough. "To be able to carry the great NFL product on our airwaves, it's quite an honor. We think it's going to go well with our new show that we're going to run every evening, Football Tonight. It covers all the latest news over in the NFL, and we think baseball fans are really going to enjoy it. Baseball Tonight has been bumped back to 1:00 AM, but we feel it's still a very important part of our channel's lineup."

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Posted on: June 13, 2009 10:06 am

Vick Now Available To Teams Looking For Downgrade

Michael Vick was officially released by the Atlanta Falcons today, meaning he is now a free agent. Known for being a great athlete, but not such a stellar passer, it has been wondered where Vick might land. But, despite these concerns, many teams have expressed interest in the former phenom who has spent the last 2 years in prison on dogfighting charges.

"We've actually been looking for a downgrade at the QB position for quite awhile now," said New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick. "We have had outstanding quarterback play for far too long. It just allows teams to gameplan against our perfect routes and well thrown passes. What we need is a wildcard under center, someone who our opponents will never be able to guess what he's going to do wrong. You can plan how to exploit a weakness, but Vick has so many weaknesses, they'll never be able to plan for them all."

Belichick hopes to bring Vick out for a workout to see if he can still be as bad as he was before he left the league. The coach hopes Vick hasn't been practicing or anything while serving time.

Also hoping to be in the mix for the QB are the Cleveland Browns.

"Wow, the things he can do with dogs," said GM George Kokinis. "As a team symbolized by dogs, we have for too long been quiet lapdogs for the rest of the league. Obviously Vick knows how to whip them into shape and turn them into fighters, and that's just what this team needs. He can build some cages next to the locker room, maybe have Braylon Edwards put in there every time he drops a pass during a game. He'll have these guys ready to kill out there on the field, or in a smoky dimly lit basement, wherever there is football to be played."

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Posted on: June 6, 2009 11:56 am

Detroit Lions Try To Send Culpepper To Minors

The Detroit Lions today announced that veteran quarterback Daunte Culpepper has been designated for minor league assignment today. This leaves the starting job open for the taking by overall number one pick Matthew Stafford. The move is a strange one, considering there is not currently nor has there ever been a minor league system in the NFL.

"What? We don't have a minor league system?" said team president Tom Lewand. "Look, I obviously don't know all that much about football from the results you've seen on the field here. But, when we told Culpepper we were sending him to the minors he just left and went somewhere. We're not sure exactly where he went to, but he's not with our team anymore, and that's the important thing."

Indeed, Culpepper's whereabouts are currently unknown. Authorities have begun searching small towns in the Detroit area in an attempt to find him, as they believe he could be wandering the streets looking for a minor league franchise. They believe they will find him in no time, they just have to follow the interceptions.

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