Tag:football
Posted on: May 12, 2009 9:46 am
 

Media Still Has Interest In Signing Favre

Sports media outlets were abuzz last week at the prospect of a meeting between Brett Favre and high ranking Vikings officials. But, the meeting never happened, as Favre stayed home in Mississippi, and the future hall of fame QB remained unsigned. However, the media are still hopeful they have a chance at signing Brett for an offseason of headlines and speculation.

"We've had some conversations with him, and it sounds like he isn't ready to just retire from sports talk radio and the lead story on Sportscenter just yet," said anchor Mike Greenberg. "Every time he turns on the TV, and we aren't talking about Favre unretiring, he gets that itch to come on back. We believe we'll still be able to sign him for an entire offseason of speculation and debate."

Radio hosts say Favre's headlines will be able to start right away once he gives them the word. They say they have nothing else to talk about right now, as they aren't about to devote entire shows to NBA playoff talk. Any taste of the NFL and they'll take it. Favre has yet to make a decision, but he says he feels he has several more months of quality headlines left in him. There are still 29 teams he hasn't considered unretiring to yet.

SportsComedian.com
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Posted on: May 5, 2009 9:24 am
 

Cowboys Suffer Startling NonMetaphorical Collapse

The Dallas Cowboys were stunned over the weekend as their practice facility in Texas collapsed during a rainstorm, injuring several people and frightening everyone inside. The team is unsure how to deal with the disaster, as they are usually only accustomed to metaphorical collapses during the season and postseason despite having superior talent.

"I don't know how to deal with this man," said quarterback Tony Romo. "People actually hurt by falling debris...usually it's just people who have our players on their fantasy teams who suffer. This is rough. I want to give out my condolences to those injured in the collapse. I promise you that this will be nothing compared to what kinds of letdowns we have planned for the upcoming season. People think we are going to be better because we got rid of all our trouble makers, but we'll show them they haven't seen anything yet."

Jerry Jones issued a statement to the families of those affected by the tragedy, saying he only tries to build teams that are made to collapse, not buildings.

SportsComedian.com
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Posted on: April 28, 2009 9:33 am
 

NFL Draft Lettering: Part I

The 2009 NFL Draft is now in the books and we here at TSC take a look at all the hits and misses from the event. Everyone seems intent on assigning letter grades to everything, but we are just going to assign letters. Maybe it's because we like thinking out of the box, maybe it's because we remember the horrid grades we got in school. In either case, here are the breakdowns of the first half of the teams in the draft.
  • Atlanta Falcons: They went defense heavy in their draft picks, 7 of 8 of them were defensive players, which is good because this team runs a defensive formation quite a bit. They love it so much they use a defensive formation every time the other team comes out on offense. Good choices for that scheme.
    D For Defense Is Half The Battle, G.I. Joe!
  • Baltimore Ravens: Traded four picks to the New England Patriots in exchange for 3 of theirs. They gave them a first and a fifth for the Pats first round pick and a fourth and a sixth for two fifth rounders. Even though it was less picks overall, and they only gained a few spots of positioning in that first round, they got three New England Patriots picks! And everyone knows those are always the best ones.
    I For It Must Be The Picks
  • Buffalo Bills: A very disappointing bunch of players selected by the Bills. Yes, they are all very talented individuals who scouts agree have a lot of upside. But they are now all going to play for the Buffalo Bills, and we know how that usually turns out.
    A For Any Bills Draft Class Is A Bad Draft Class
  • Carolina Panthers: The Panthers got a Corvey Irvin from Georgia in the third round, but I don't think he's going to be able to fit well into their system. They are panthers, fierce jungle cats, and he is a Georgia Bulldog. Dogs and cats do not mesh well together in a defensive backfield, everybody knows that. They also got a seminole indian, a gamecock, and an anthropomorphic orange. I don't see any chemistry between these mascots whatsoever.
    C For Cats And Dogs, Living Together, Mass Hysteria!
  • Chicago Bears: Their draft has to be termed a success, because they avoided any of the mistakes they have made in past drafts, mainly they didn't take anyone named Rex Grossman. They might finally be ready to turn this thing around.
    G For Goodbye Grossman
  • Cincinnati Bengals: Cincinnati drafted extremely well, and went after just the positions they are weakest at...Which is, of course, all of them.
    N For Not On Our Team Means Better Than Anyone Actually On Our Team
  • Cleveland Browns: The Browns traded down three seperate times in the draft for lower picks. If I had been responsible for their previous draft day decisions, I would be a little antsy about actually making a pick too.
    P For Picking Scares Me
  • Dallas Cowboys: They got an insane twelve picks this year, and used them to fill up a lot of holes on both sides of the ball. They got some new linebackers and defensive ends to use in their 3-4 scheme, and they even picked up a kicker in the fifth round who will help them transition to their innovative new 3-4-1 scheme with a kicker thrown in the backfield just in case something needs to be kicked immediately.
    O For Offenses Better Start Wearing A Cup
  • Denver Broncos: Well, they lost their quarterback in the offseason to Chicago, so naturally they will use one of their first picks to get a new one...RB, LB, CB, FS...still looking...TE, WR...Oh! There is is, in the 6th round they picked up someone called Tom Brandstater. I'm sure that will work wonderfully.
    B For Brandstater To The Rescue
  • Detroit Lions: They got a great pick in Matthew Stafford and for the first time in many years, draft experts had positive things to say about their selections. All they had to do to finally accomplish this was lose all 16 games last year. If they can just do that for another 4-5 seasons, they might finally put together a team that doesn't lose by 30 points every Thanksgiving.
    P For Please Give Us A New Turkey Day Team
  • Green Bay Packers: B.J. Raji, their first round selection, was reported to have failed a drug test at the combine. It was apparently untrue, but the Packers had already made their decision. They want this player who can hopefully finally make their team somewhat cool after having an old white dude who sells blue jeans as the face of their franchise for 17 years.
    J For Jeans Just Aren't Very Cool
  • Houston Texans: They picked up a tight end in the fourth round and then took another tight end less than thirty picks later in the fifth round. Sometimes you just have to give up and call a player a bust before you even get to the next round. Sorry Anthony Hill, it's time to go in a new direction this round.
    T For Tight End City, Texas
  • Indianapolis Colts: You don't even need to really look at the names on the Indianapolis Colts draft board. Whoever they are, it seems they always turn out good.
  • Who Cares How We Drafted, We're The Colts

  • Jacksonville Jaguars: The Jags picked up nearly 1200 pounds of man in the first three rounds. That's even more than Denver, and they had five selections just in the first and second. Their plan is obviously to destroy the food reserves of any city they visit by eating everything in sight.
    H For Hide The Food
  • Kansas City Chiefs: They got a good punter in Ryan Succop in the seventh who can challenge starter Dustin Colquitt for the job. Everyone always loves a preseason open punting competition, and punting will be the only way the Chiefs will be getting the ball down the field this season with the roster they have, so this job is the most important.
    P For Punts Are What It's All About

SportsComedian.com
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Posted on: April 23, 2009 10:07 am
 

Rose Has Awkward Coming Out Party In Playoffs

Like the Arizona Cardinals Larry Fitzgerald in this year's NFL playoffs, Derrick Rose is having a coming out party of his own so far in round one of the NBA playoffs. The Chicago Bulls point guard made his playoff debut a big one, scoring 36 points and adding 11 assists in their opening win over the Celtics.

But it was not until after the game when being interviewed by a locker room reporter that things got awkward. When asked how he felt about having such a big coming out party in his first game he replied with an answer that shocked everyone.

"It feels great, now that the whole world knows I'm gay!" Rose shouted, making everyone in the locker room stop and stare.

"What do you mean you're gay? That really wasn't what I meant..." continued the reporter.

"I'm gay, I'm so gay!" he replied. "You know that gay sex thing you always are hearing about with the penises and the butts and the whole deal? I love that stuff! It just feels so good to come out and say it, get it off my chest. You're so right! And you're throwing me a party for it? I hope there's a cake, and I hope it's shaped like the part of a man I love to eat in my bedroom as well...

"I've had to load up all this rap music on my iPod here just to fit in, but I really only listen to the Streisand and Cher I put on this thing. It just gets me charged up to get out there and commit a hard charging foul on another man!"

"Is there anything else you've been secretly wanting to tell the world, Mr. Rose?" asked the reported.

"Yes...There's something I've wanted to say since I first got here in Chicago..." began Derrick. "I want to redecorate this locker room! Makeover! The colors and furniture in here is so passe! And I want to put a nice set of drapes with a floral pattern on my locker, that would make it really pop. I've been wanting to tell everyone this all my life, but I never had the courage to just come out and do it. Thank you for the inspiration!"

"I...uh...actually didn't mean that kind of coming out party..." answered the reported.

"Huh...oh...well then...shit..." Rose hung his head and silently went to the showers, where everyone else on the team quickly fled.

SportsComedian.com
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Posted on: April 21, 2009 10:23 am
 

Lions New Logo Looks Suspiciously Like Patriots

After the first 0-16 season in the history of the NFL, the Detroit Lions are looking for any way they can turn around the direction of their franchise. They hope to have made a big change with the unveiling today of a new logo, uniforms, and franchise quarterback.

The Lions held a press conference in Detroit to show off their new duds and team identity to the public for the first time. Their logo is now not that of a leaping blue lion, as it has been in the past, but that of a stylized American patriot looking forward while his colonial hat tails off behind him. They also showed off new uniforms that were silver, blue, and red, and looked suspiciously like those of the New England Patriots.

The press immediately began asking why their uniforms looked exactly like those of the team from Foxboro and what the man in the colonial hat had to do with lions.

"This is Liontamer Pat," said Detroit GM Martin Mayhew. "As everybody knows, liontamers are one of the oldest professions, dating back to the 1700's in American circuses. Hopefully people are excited about this new look for us, and we know it looks a lot like some other uniforms you have seen in the past. But that other team seemed mighty successful, so we are just going to try these out and see if we can have a little of that success too."

Mayhew then announced the signing of an undrafted free agent named Bom Trady to be their new franchise quarterback. Trady came out from behind a curtain to a cautious applause from the press, who quickly began trying to research on their laptops anything they could on this enigmatic young man. They found no record of his play in either high school or college, but Mayhew assured them that he was an exciting player who could throw the football like the best in the business.

Trady's height and weight are surprisingly the exact same as that of last year's starter Jon Kitna, but the team hopes he will have more success than that signal caller. Bom also strangely wears a Tom Brady halloween mask, but Mayhew assured the media that is was only due to the fact that he suffered horrific burns to his face as a kid. Jon Kitna was unavailable for comment at the time of the article, apparently he has been missing ever since the signing of the new QB.

The new Lions jerseys are now on sale in the NFL Shop, with a lot of confused fans trying to make sure they don't accidentally buy one when trying to get one they will not get made fun of for wearing, that of the New England Patriots.

SportsComedian.com
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Posted on: April 9, 2009 10:43 am
Edited on: April 9, 2009 10:44 am
 

Cleveland Browns Have Clinched NHL Playoffs

The Cleveland Browns have been announced as having clinched the final playoff spot in the NHL Eastern Conference playoffs today. It's a bold move and obvious by the league to try and get a team in the NHL playoffs that sports fans would actually care about.

"The Cleveland Browns have a rich and excitable fanbase," said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman in a press conference earlier today. "They want to see their team make the playoffs, and since that doesn't ever seem to happen for them in the NFL, why not let them come and try their hand at our postseason. We showed them a fun highlights video about hockey, and they are looking forward to trying to learn how to play over the course of the next week.

"Look, it was them or the Florida Panthers...I'm the Commissioner of this league, and I wasn't even sure the Panthers were a real franchise until I looked them up on wikipedia."

The Browns themselves were very excited about finally having clinched a playoff berth somewhere. To celebrate, they all met in a Cleveland supermarket and sprayed cheap champagne on themselves in the wine section.

Their fans meanwhile didn't quite know what to make of the announcement.

"Well, I'm glad we finally get to watch our Browns in the postseason," said fan Vic Mangold. "But, these guys can barely play football, I can't imagine they're going to be able to learn a new sport in only a week or two."

The news is very exciting for the franchise, which was also in the running to get a bid from the Arena Football League to appear in their postseason this year. But then they decided there was no way the Cleveland Browns would ever really make even the AFL playoffs, and decided to just shut down the league instead.

SportsComedian.com
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Posted on: April 2, 2009 9:42 am
 

Player Harassing Officer Resigns For New Racism

The police officer who detained Houston Texans runningback Ryan Moats for a traffic violation while his mother-in-law was dying in a hospital resigned today, ending an illustrious career of racism. The 26-year-old officer has been working on his biggotry for years, and was shocked to discover people were outraged when he pulled a gun on an African-American who slowly ran a traffic light, and would not let the man into the hospital while his relative died.

"Because of this incident, I will be stepping down from the police force," said officer Robert Powell. "I don't know if I can live and work in a country that doesn't allow police to investigate just how a black guy came to be driving a car they didn't steal. And how was I supposed to know his mother-in-law was really dying, and that wasn't an excuse so he could hurry along and get some fried chicken?

"It was imperitive to the safety of the city that I searched his SUV for possible Popeye's coupons, so I could prove what his true motives are. That was taught to me on day one of police academy."

Because of the publicity and backlash the story has caused, Powell says he will be moving to Canada.

"I'm going to be going above the border," continued Powell. "There are fewer professional athletes there, so I should be able to freely harass people of color without fear that they are famous and it will get out to the media. There will not be as many black people up there, so I'm going to have to try real hard to find them and give them unnecessary and unwarranted grief."

A reporter asked Powell what he will miss the most about working in Texas.

"I will probably miss the Mexicans the most. There probably won't be any of them up there, and that will take away a good portion of my opportunities for racism. But, I hear they have French people up there, so I'm going to have to study up on what I can objectify them for. I'm very excited about this new opportunity."

SportsComedian.com
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Posted on: March 31, 2009 10:04 am
 

Jay Cutler Insulted By Text Message From Coach

Reports surfaced out of Denver today that Jay Cutler and head coach Josh McDaniels have been exchanging text messages in hopes of patching up their relationship, which has grown increasingly rocky over the offseason. It was hoped that Cutler would return to Denver for voluntary workouts, but it appears that even the texting has rubbed Cutler the wrong way.

"Look, I really wanted to be a part of this team over the offseason, I really did," said Cutler. "We had a nice dialogue going, I started off by saying 'Hey m8! Wat r u up 2?' and he responded with an incredibly insulting 'ROFL, MBFYMADS!'. Now, everyone knows that means, 'Rolling on floor laughing, Mrs. Butterworth F*cks Your Mom All Day Sunday'. Why would he say something like that to me, and laugh about it?! Mrs. Butterworth is a delicious syrup shaped like a woman, how dare he deface her like this!"

In response to this insult, Cutler said he is going to sell another 2-3 houses and forgo another couple hundred thousand dollars in bonus money to further punish the team.

McDaniels responded by saying the whole thing was a big mixup, and he blames the translator he brought in to help him talk to the young man. Maria Young, a linguist who speaks multiple languages including fluent drunk asshole, hipster jagoff, and narcissistic douche quarterback, was the one responsible. She has helped teams communicate in the past with people such as Brett Favre and Ryan Leaf. But this time she thought she was texting an abbreviation that meant "My best friend, you're missing a dope scrimmage'.

McDaniels has since let go the translator, and cited the difficulty in relating to a 25-year-old detached white kid though text abbreviations for the misunderstanding. He said all communication with Cutler will now be handled by his 11-year-old daughter.

SportsComedian.com
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