Posted on: February 10, 2009 9:29 am

Americans Almost Remember To Watch Pro Bowl

Larry Fitzgerald being awarded the MVP trophy was the capper on an amazing Pro Bowl game, which saw an 11-point lead by the AFC evaporate in the second half as the NFC stormed back to win 30-21. Nielson released overnight ratings for the event which show the most people ever almost cared enough to watch the game.

Unlike most years, the excitement and unexpectedness of this year's playoffs really had America looking forward to the Pro Bowl. Nielson's numbers show almost 100 million Americans planned to watch the Pro Bowl, only to remember they had something better to do, leaving about 1 million actual viewers.

"These numbers are real strong," said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. "They show that this game is really on the minds of our sports fans, at least until they remember they have something else, like laundry, to do. We placed very well among males aged 18-49 who planned to watch, but then saw there was a marathon of Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants movies on TBS. We also scored well on people who almost turned it on, but then went over to hang out with their inlaws instead.

"I mean, this stuff is really strong, for the first time in a long time the gap between those watching the Pro Bowl, and those who thought it would be more fun to go get elective dental surgery instead, is narrowing. Pretty soon, you might be able to talk about what happened in this game with your co-workers on Monday morning, and they wont answer with 'Oh yeah, I forgot that thing was on yesterday'."

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Posted on: February 5, 2009 11:06 am

0 Star Recruit To Decide Between CVS & Jr College

It's national signing day, and all recruits, even the lowest of them are on the radar of the college football faithful. None is perhaps more low on the ranking than Montana's Patrick Sutter, 3rd string quarterback of the Missoula High School Fighting Plastics Manufacturers. He had hoped that college scouts would look past his failing to start a single game in his career, due to the fact that competition is so tough at the Montana school.

It was thought he might be looked at like a Matt Cassel, who faced similarly tough competition at lowly programs USC and New England and couldn't get a starting job, but flourished when given a chance. But things didn't quite work out that way for Sutter, as he was not scouted by a school and even received a letter from Scouts Ltd. rating him at 0 stars.

"I think that these places are making a big mistake," said Sutter. "Just last week I set the high score in my xbox game of NCAA 09, I threw like 30 touchdowns. Now, I will admit that I had a cheatcode on for no gravity and rocket powered footballs, but I'm pretty sure if given the chance I'd be able to do that in real life as well."

But the fact he hasn't been recruited by anyone is not stopping the young man from holding a press conference to announce where he will sign after high school.

"This just narrows my options a bit, and contrary to what they've been talking about on SportsCenter every night, I have a lot of places offering me free rides. Right now I have offers from a CVS Pharmacy down the street to be assistant night manager, they told me I can start right away and can even call my own plays. I have a scholarship offer from Montana Community College for their Air Conditioning Repair program, which sounds like a program I might want to be a part of. Then there's this one from the Air Force, an actual division I school mind you! They say they will give me a completely free ride if I just go to Iraq for a little while. I'm sure I can play football in those desert conditions, so I'm fine with that."

With so many suitors after Sutter, it's hard to guess where he'll end up. His father is an alumnus of the local plastics factory, so he could end up going there as well in hopes of getting his hard hat and flannel shirt retired on the wall next to his old man. TSC will monitor the situation and have more as a decision is made.

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Posted on: January 29, 2009 9:25 am

MLS Tries Thinking Of Reason For Beckham To Retur

MLS's Los Angeles Galaxy loaned soccer star David Beckham to A.C. Milan during the first part of the year so that he may retain his World Cup eligibility. Beckham expressed his intention to return to MLS when their 2009 season began, as he is still under contract with the team for several more years. But this week, A.C. Milan owner Silvio Berlusconi said he would attempt to keep Beckham fulltime and buy out the remainder of his contract with the Galaxy.

At first this was met with anger from the Galaxy owners, but then they attempted to come up with a list of reasons why he should return to LA...

"Well...well now there's got to be some type of reason..." said Galaxy owner Philip Anschutz "We have a dedicated fanbase of dozens, you can find almost all our games on Spanish language AM radio, and last year we finished 13th out of 15 teams! There is a lot of potential here! Just last week I even saw we sold an LA Galaxy jersey! Yes, it was to myself, at a discount, so I could give it to my son for his birthday. And yes, he is no longer speaking to me for getting him what he called "the crappiest birthday gift ever". But the point is merchandising is on the rise!"

"Plus this is a great city to live in. We've got...tar pits! Do they have those over in Europe? How about our wonderful smog? Their smog over there is for wussies, I remember once I went to Italy and I didn't even cough or gag getting off the plane. This is a city for men, men with manly lungs. We need you David, I'm the owner of this team and still you're the only player of ours whose name I know. There is no way regular people know who our other players are. Please, Mr. Beckham, don't leave us. Also, bring that hot wife of yours back to the states, we need to give our fans something to look at. They aren't about to watch soccer."

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Posted on: January 29, 2009 9:11 am

Effeminate Man Doesnt Know Why Friends Busy Sunda

"I think something might be going on, something crazy," said Darren Carlisle, in a phone call to police earlier today. "Have you ever seen M. Night Shyamalan's The Happening? I think that might be happening this Sunday! For some reason, all my male friends do not want to do anything with me on Sunday, they all for some reason have plans or are going to parties. I am the one who usually knows about all the parties! And no one has invited me to a single one! Something Happeningish is going on, and I think I am Mark Wahlberg!"

Indeed, the South Beach, Florida resident has had an extremely hard time finding any guys to hang out with this coming Super Bowl Sunday due to his complete lack of sports knowledge. He tried inviting Jake and Tommy over for a late afternoon Brunch, but they said they had to get ready for a party of their own. He then became more desperate and attempted to organize a game of croquet or a trip to the mall to shop for slacks, but both ideas fell through due to lack of interest.

Darren became so desperate in fact, that he paid us to write this news article sending out the word for people he can hang out with on Sunday. He says that he brings a lot of positives to a hangout. He brings a hot new pair of shoes he just bought this week, he brings a bubbly sense of humor, and he is very skilled in both scrapbooking and baking. Hanging out will always result in either a great photo album or possibly a pie.

"Look, I am the one who knows where the hottest parties are happening around town first! My friends want to abandon me for some mystery event on Sunday, they can be my guest. I obviously have lots of other people I can hang out with, that's why I am paying this website to help me find them..."

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Posted on: January 27, 2009 10:09 am

Obama Approves Plan To Move Detainees To Detroit

(By TSC Contributing Writer Matt Webb)

As his first official act in office, President Barack Obama announced plans to close the Guantanamo Bay detention facility in Cuba. Today, the President's administration announced that it has secured a location to house the hundreds of foreign detainees currently being held at the facility.

In a written statement issued to the press, the President’s Chief of Staff, Rham Emmanuel, revealed that once the facility in Cuba is shut down the US will move the remaining detainees to Ford Field in Detroit, Michigan.

According to Emmanuel, the President and his staff considered many potential sites, but were specifically looking for a location that had plenty of space and was very isolated. “It is our understanding that this facility is used to housing large numbers of outcasts and losers, and further, we believe the city of Detroit to be mostly vacant and uninhabitable at this point.”

According to Emmanuel, the transition to the new detention facility at Ford Field is set to begin sometime in late August, and detainees will be housed in the facility until January or February 2010.

“We were informed by local officials that the stadium is virtually empty during this time of year, and they agreed to allow us to relocate the facility to Detroit on the condition that we would purchase season tickets for each detainee. We felt that this was a win-win for the U.S. Government and the city of Detroit because under the plan, the Lions would have actual fans in their stadium next fall for each home game and the detainees would be forced to choose between the unpleasant experience of watching an entire Lions season or accepting a reduced sentence from the U.S. Attorney. We have also discussed the possibility of switching the detainees’ prison issued uniforms from those bright orange jumpsuits to No. 11 Dante Culpepper jerseys and Lions sweatpants, as they can't actually sell Lions merchandise, but we are waiting to hear back from the UN about weather this violates the Geneva Convention rules against torture of prisoners.”

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Posted on: January 27, 2009 9:59 am

Vegas Still Places Cards As Longshots To Make SB

When Dave Roberts took in his winning ticket for the longshot bet he made at the beginning of the season, that the Cardinals would somehow make it to the Super Bowl, he was told it was not yet a valid win. It seems that Las Vegas has updated their odds for which teams currently have a shot to make it to the Super Bowl, and the Steelers are locked in as going and no longer available to pick. But curiously the Arizona Cardinals are still 9-1 longshots to make it to the big game, despite winning last week's NFC championship game.

Bob Hallmark, head oddsmaker for The Mirage hotel and casino explains.

"Look, this is a lot better than the 60-1 odds they started the season with," he said. "Yes, we know they are officially scheduled to represent the NFC, and all the ads and hype have said they will be there. But we still aren't believing it. Cardinals in the Super Bowl? No one is going to put down money on that, so we have to adjust the odds accordingly. Even though they didn't even make the playoffs, and it would be impossible for them to play the Steelers, bettors are still putting quite a lot of money on the Patriots. It just makes a person feel safe, to make a bet for New England."

Even Roberts isn't too sure about his winning ticket yet.

"At first I was angry they weren't paying me, but then I started thinking about it. These are the Cardinals, after all. It's near impossible to imagine them in the Super Bowl, so I'd probably take back my bet now if I could. I mean there are still a couple days left for the NFL to realize that they are putting Arizona in the championship game and replace them with someone sensible like the Giants. I might put some money on them tomorrow just to hedge my bets."

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Posted on: January 22, 2009 10:04 am

Steelers To Consider Covering Larry Fitzgerald

Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin fielded questions in a press conference today about his team's plans for Super Bowl XLIII. A reporter asked if he intended to actually cover Larry Fitzgerald, as the three NFC teams had failed to do thus far in the playoffs.

"Well that's a good question," said Tomlin. "The answer right now I'd have to say is no, although that could change if we see something in film that makes us worry about him. I just don't think he's a very big threat out there with the way he's playing."

"But sir, he has 451 yards and five touchdowns over his last three games..." added the reporter.

"Yes, but we know what he's going to do, catch multiple touchdowns and make desperate third and long receptions. We know what he's all about. But what is a player such as third string tight end Ben Patrick up to? 0 receptions for 0 yards? We need to find out what he's up to out there. So far our only defensive gameplan is to double team him as often as possible."

"Ben Patrick? I don't even think he's on the field for more than a couple plays per game..."

"Look, somehow this giant guy has managed to remain completely invisible for three straight games. I don't trust it. Even when he's out of bounds on the sideline I'm going to have 2 guys covering him, just to make sure he doesn't try anything. He could be planning on making a 5 yard catch at some point in the next few years, and I don't want it to be on my watch. We're onto you Patrick, you son of a bitch."

"Mr. Tomlin, are there any other things you are worried about defensively?" asked another reporter.

"Yes, very much so," replied Tomlin. "We are very concerned about the wildcat offense. Ronnie Brown and Chad Pennington did some scary things with that this year. We are making sure we have a few emergency plays in case Brown comes onto the field and tries to get a trick play on us."

"But, he doesn't even play for you, nor do you guys run that offense..."

"Look, you guys do your reporting thing, and I'll do my coaching thing. It was my gameplanning that got us to this point in the first place. It was my plan against Baltimore to always keep a safety watching the eyebrows of Joe Flacco in case he was hiding an illegal weapon in them during the game. It was my plan against San Diego to make sure LaDainian Tomlinson was triple covered at all times and couldn't beat us, even though he was injured and sitting on the bench. And we won both those games. So you let me handle this, and trust me, the big plays aren't going to come from Larry Fitzgerald. From what I've seen, we have nothing to worry about with that guy.

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Posted on: January 22, 2009 9:37 am

Cards Prepare For 976 Interviews About No Respect

"Well Colin, everyone in the media seemed to count us out every week leading up to this point too," said Kurt Warner in a radio interview with ESPN's Colin Cowherd earlier today. "You guys didn't give us any respect all season long, and that continued in every matchup we've had so far. You guys will lose to the Panthers, the Falcons, the Eagles. Well, we're fine with being the underdogs, we like it. We're going to come out and show you all what we know we can do once again."

"Uh, I asked you what your favorite food was, Kurt?" replied Cowherd.

Indeed, in underestimating the Cardinals chances each week in these NFL playoffs the media has made them into a monster the likes of which has not been seen since this year's Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Sports fans are preparing themselves to hear this answer during every interview conducted with Arizona players from now until the Super Bowl, as yet another team has been "disrespected all year" by the media.

"The number one seeds can never just win easily, like they are supposed to," said analyst Chris Berman. "Now, once again, we have to hear how nobody expected them to be here, and how they never stopped believing in themselves. We really did this to ourselves, and now we have to listen to this a million more times. Next year, I'm not counting any team out. Even if they're the 0-16 Lions, I'm still going to give them a chance to win the Super Bowl. It's the only way to ensure we don't have to listen to this trite and tired speech every year. I'm sorry we did this to you America, but you only have a week and a half left to endure of it."

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