Posted on: January 20, 2009 9:47 am

Legend Serves Last Buger In McDonald's Uniform

As Dave Philips flipped off the lights, after yet another hard fought day manning the overnight shift, he thought back on his illustrious career as a server of some of the best McDonald's burgers the game has ever seen. In what likely was his last burger served in a McDonald's uniform yesterday, Philips put on his usual show, serving small amounts of meat buried in a mountain of bread like the superstar he is.

A crowd of dozens turned up to see Philips at the Philadelphia area McDonald's to see his last performance, many reminiscing about some of their fondest memories of the burger flipper.

"He was one of the fast food game's greats, possibly the greatest ever," said 64-year-old Tom Britt. "The way he could run a microwave, typing in numbers, changing the power setting from high to low, using defrost when necessary, it was unlike anything I've ever seen before. Sure, he had some bad games here and there, one time he forgot to put bacon on my Bacon Burger Deluxe, but for the most part its been a great ride having him cook my ninety-nine cent food."

Despite having played for McDonald's for his entire career, the 34 year old Philips was released after the end of this holiday season. Many note the decline in his speed as a factor for the decision, with some teammates saying he doesn't dunk the fries in oil as quick as he used to. But management insists that they would love for him to finish his career with the McDonald's store #507 team, and claim his release was based on financial considerations. As a 17 year veteran of the team, Philips was due to make $5.6 million on his contract next year. Store #507 says that would leave them little salary cap space to pay for other players.

Philips goes to the Burger King across the street to try and play out the final few years he has left in his tired body. They landed the high profile free agent with a $6.80 per hour contract. He hopes to one day capture the Employee of the Month award that has for so long eluded him. He leaves store #507 holding several franchise records including most burgers served in a career and highest order completion percentage. There is talk ownership may retire his nametag and place it on the wall, any future hires named Dave will have to choose a new name while at the store.

As Philadelphia attempts to move on without the legend who has guided their McDonald's for so long, they wonder what the future holds...

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Posted on: January 20, 2009 9:34 am
Edited on: January 20, 2009 10:06 am

Panic Sweeps Country as Cardinals Secure SB Berth

(By TSC Contributing Writer Matt Webb)

Across the nation and around the globe people are dealing with the terrifying reality that the Arizona Cardinals have actually won the NFC Championship Game and will play in Super Bowl 43. Of course, its not that the Arizona Cardinals themselves strike fear into the heart of. . .well, anyone at all. As the oldest running franchise in NFL history, the Cardinals have set such a high bar for failing miserably year after year that they are officially listed in the dictionary as a synonym of the words “futile” and “crappy.” Further, its widely noted that their mascot of choice, the cardinal, is perhaps the wimpiest of all birds, known in the bird world by such nicknames as “sissy bird” “gay jay” “limp wing” and “egg licker,” just to name a few.

So why the mad rush to grocery stores to stock up on basic food items and other necessities? Why the sudden run on generators, gasoline and firearms? And why are people around the globe calling loved ones to make contact and in some cases say their tearful goodbyes? Clearly, it is due to the notion that a team as annually inept and underwhelming as the Arizona Cardinals actually making it to the pinnacle of professional sports is so far-fetched and unlikely that most fear the real possibility that the occurrence of other unlikely catastrophic events, and quite possibly the end of the world, is sure to follow.

TSC contacted Lance Inglebaum, a UNLV professor, mathematician and odds maker, to shed some light on exactly how rare it is for a team like the Cardinals to earn the chance to play for football’s biggest prize. “I would say this is an extremely rare event,” noted Inglebaum “one we can expect to see once every 10,000 years or more.” So great are the odds, that Inglebaum noted that it was much more likely of witnessing other rare events such as the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series, a Washington Generals two-winning streak, Oprah dipping down below 200 pounds, or even the highly unlikely event that Paris Hilton would be photographed wearing undergarments.

Inglebaum went on to note that in his opinion, the opening line for the Super Bowl (Steelers -7) was much too low, and theorized that the likelihood of the Cardinals actually winning Super Bowl 43 was less than “a Texas-sized asteroid striking the earth killing all of its inhabitants immediately.” He furthered predicted that should the Cardinals actually pull off a victory on Super Sunday, we should be prepared for the worst, including “mass hysteria, loss of power grids and other infrastructure, and the immediate resumption of witch trials and burnings at the stake.” In fact, so real was the threat in his mind, that Inglebaum noted he would be canceling his annual Super Bowl party and would instead be watching the game with a few of his closest friends at his fallout shelter located approximately 500 feet below the earth’s surface “just in case.”

Though the staff of TSC is committed to maintain its independence and objectivity when it comes to covering sports, I think in this case we can make an exception. Go Steelers!

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Posted on: January 15, 2009 9:52 am

ESPN Busted Fellating Tebow In Gainesville

When viewers attempted to tune their televisions into ESPN last night, they found nothing but a test tone and a picture of Dick Vitale wearing an indian headdress. It turns out the channel was arrested last night in Gainesville, where they were caught by police performing oral sex on Tim Tebow in a parking garage. It was the first time in known history an entire network has been caught in a sex scandal at once.

Details of the incident are still coming out, but apparently ESPN began seeing Tebow romantically shortly after he led the Gators to their second national title in three years. As soon as he led them to a victory, many within the network began to regale him with praise, with talk about how he was the greatest college quarterback of all time. It seemed every show and pundit on the channel was madly in love with Tebow, with many on message boards urging the two to "just get a room already".

But yesterday their love of Tebow was taken a step too far, as the entire network was caught by police with Tebow in several large tour busses in Gainesville. Apparently they had run out of ways to give Tebow praise on each of their shows, and decided to round up all the anchors and drive down to let their tongues do the praising.

"This whole thing is just shameful," said Police Chief Richard Kirkman. "We had 50 or so sports anchors and pundits here, most of them men, and all apparently engaged in acts of oral sex with this young quarterback. Public lewdness and fornication is illegal here, and we intend to see that this entire network does some time."

"Look, sometimes you just get carried away," said analyst Woody Paige. "When a young man throws such a high, tight spiral, and has the running ability of a stout healthy ox...it....it just becomes too much to handle. How can any sports fan not want to put him in their mouth?"

As evidence of the love affair the network has had with Tebow the police confiscated 32 espn.com articles about him being the best college player ever, 26 hours of ESPN radio interviews about his offensive skills being unstoppable, and an awkward video recorded by Michael Wilbon's cellphone that is apparently 13 minutes of Tebow showering. Wilbon denied the cellphone was his, but vowed to find the owner and ask him why he had the phone numbers of his wife, friends, and family in there.

Despite denials by most pundits, Lee Corso declared quite the opposite. "The law can't stand in the way of our love!" said an exasperated Corso. "This guy is so good, so damn good, and you want us to stop all the talk about him being the best player ever? No! I don't remember anyone who has ever impressed us all this much with their game-changing ability, so he deserves it. Well, I do remember a fellow named Reggie Bush who we all loved, but that was so long ago...Oh, and Vince Young, but...oh, and Michael Vick...Well, there has not been anyone like Tim Tebow in at least 2 years, and it is very exciting."

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Posted on: January 15, 2009 9:36 am
Edited on: January 15, 2009 9:39 am

Rod Marinelli Has Gatorade Shower Installed

Rod Marinelli is a lonely man these days. The former head coach of the Detroit Lions, whose team was the first to ever go 0-16 in a season, is now jobless and at away from the game. We took a visit to see the man in his Michigan home. He greeted us at the door wearing a pair of boxer shorts and a tank top. He appeared to be covered in some type of purple dust.

As we entered the home, it became apparent something had come loose in this formerly distinguished man's head. There were dirty dishes everywhere, unwashed clothes strewn about, there was food like pizza and bunless hotdogs on the ground. What had happened to this man? We sat down with him for an interview to find out.

"Well, times are tough." said Marinelli. "Football was my everything. Last year we started off 6-2, and when we got into first place in the division with that 6th win, I remember the excitement of my players and the fans in Detroit. They were so happy to be in first place, and I had led them there. Some of my players came and dumped the cooler full of Gatorade on my head, and damn did it feel good. But then we went 1-23 in my next 24 games, and there was no more happiness, no more Gatorade."

"Each week this season, I longed to get a win, to turn that sinking ship around. I wanted to feel that happiness again, I wanted to get that Gatorade poured on me one more time. But, that day never came. You see, once you get a sports drink poured on you by your players, you don't forget what it's like. When you feel all sticky and smell like Purple Lightning, it makes you feel more alive than anything you have ever done. You can almost feel the electrolytes entering your body and going into your brain."

Marinelli went on to explain that after the firing he came back to his home and began snorting raw Gatorade powder from the grocery store. He got addicted, buying experimental kinds of Gatorade on the street from fruit punch dealers. It was a gateway powdered drink, and soon he was into the heavy stuff; Kool Aid, Ovaltine, meal replacement shakes, he did it all. His wife would come home and find him dazed and high on electrolytes. She eventually left him when, for their anniversary, he cooked her a turkey basted in Gatorade Cool Fusion Lemon-Lime. But he says that was just the wake-up call he needed in his life, and he realized he wasn't looking for the Gatorade high. He was looking for the Gatorade shower.

Marinelli checked himself into a rehab facility, where he spent the better part of a weekend arguing with doctors that it was possible to get addicted to Gatorade. After he got out he came immediately home and began construction on a second showerhead in his shower. But instead of spraying water, this one would dispense Gatorade. Well, he couldn't actually afford all the Gatorade that would require, but it does dispense Sam's Choice Sam-ade, the Wal-Mart generic brand of sports drink. But it is ice cold, just like it would be if his players dumped it on him. Marinelli says he often sits in his new Gatorade shower and weeps, wondering what he could have done differently with the Lions. He says it helps to feel that sticky liquid on him again, and it is slowly helping to heal his many wounds.

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Posted on: January 13, 2009 10:04 am
Edited on: January 13, 2009 10:13 am

Harrison's Car Wash & Shooting Range To Franchise

In a press release that was sent out to all major media outlets today, it was made known that Marvin Harrison's Wash 'N Shoot franchise would be opening 5 new locations in and around the Philadelphia area in the near future. The popular combination of car wash and shooting range has been a surprising success for the Indianapolis wide receiver, aside of course from the three person shooting that took place there last year, for which Harrison is a suspect.

The press release talks about the success of the franchise: "When Harrison opened the first combination of live fire gun range and car wash, many people thought it wouldn't work. These are probably the same people that thought Randall Cunningham's Colonics & Discount Plumbing Supplies wouldn't work either. But, here we are five years after our grand opening, and business is bigger than ever! The so-called safety inspectors said we would have too many accidental gunshots, but we've only had three...that have been reported to the authorities. Only 3 people put in critical condition in five years? I'd say that makes them the no-fun inspectors."

The concept of Marvin Harrison's Wash N Shoot is both simple and brilliant. You drive your car through the long wash tunnel as in any normal car wash, only with all the windows rolled down. You, your wife, and your kids are all given live semi-automatic handguns to use during the ride. Then, as you proceed down the tunnel, you battle the hot wax and cleaning brushes coming into your window to shoot at various targets. A sign warns that if you do not bring your best skills, you will probably lose a portion of your eyesight, as the wax is toxic.

The targets that pop up during the ride are all villains that Marvin Harrison has battled throughout his career and life. You can shoot the Patriots Defense, the Chargers Defense, the Steelers Defense, or just any of the 100's of defenses that have played the Colts in the playoffs and managed to shut them down. You can also battle Harrison's hamstring, which has plagued several of his recent seasons. He actually had the muscle removed and hung onto a target for some realistic bloody action. Finally, you have the chance to shoot a giant monster made of scrambled eggs and Skittles candy, that used to haunt Marvin's dreams as a young boy. It is truly terrifying.

The press release goes on to say that the new Wash N' Shoot locations are looking for new employees: "We are now hiring for Chloraform And Relocation Specialists. You will need to have experience chloraforming injured people and relocating them off-property so that the police do not catch wind of it. Experience chloraforming people aside from merely female dates prefered. Examples of previous body relocation work desired, can provide shovels to dig if hidden bodies deceased."

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Posted on: January 13, 2009 9:51 am
Edited on: January 13, 2009 10:14 am

Steelers Offer Cheap $15 Beer At Stadium For Fans

The Pittsburgh Steelers are doing their best to help their fans out for the upcoming AFC Championship Game against the Baltimore Ravens. In these hard economic times, the Steelers organization wants to make sure it is taking care of the people who spend hundreds of dollars to come and see them at Heinz Field. To that end they will be offering a special $15 beer for fans in attendance.

The beer served is a delicious 3 ounce serving of Bud Ultra Light Select, a special blend being made especially for the game by Anheuser-Busch. It is a combination of Bud Light, tap water, and a double serving of air. The goal is to allow anyone to be able to enjoy a delicious cold one at the stadium, and now they can with such a great afforable deal.

"When I go to the games with my family, I want to be able to enjoy a beer with my kids," said Steeler fan Todd Turnage. "But up until now, it's always been just way too pricey. I've had to get them a $12 Sprite instead. Now with this great deal, we can all get drunk together, I can finally share a post-game DUI with my son."

"I like this deal because I like to get really drunk," said season ticket holder Jimmy Stone. "I want to be so drunk, I'm unable to say a simple "Go Steelers!" chant. But before beer was so expensive, I would still be able to properly pronounce Steelers late into the 4th quarter. But now, I can be the fun drunk everyone in my section has come to love, and they can shout their usual terms of endearment like "Go Home Jimmy!" and "Oh god, I hope he doesn't sit in this section again next year!" Thank you Steelers, for making going to games affordable again."

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Posted on: January 13, 2009 9:34 am
Edited on: January 13, 2009 10:15 am

Al Davis Hires/Fires Former Boston College Coach

First it was the Browns firing of Coach Romeo Crennel, then Rod Marinelli and the Lions parted ways. Shortly thereafter both Eric Mangini and Mike Shanahan were shown the door by their respective teams. And just when you thought the NFL coaching carousel couldn’t spin any faster, along comes the Raiders and Al Davis to spice things up again.

Apparently feeling left out of the hiring and firing news of late, Davis knew he needed to act.

“I was concerned that the Raiders were starting to lose their status as the team most likely to fire a head coach,” said Davis, speaking at his weekly press conference through a self-made paper megaphone. “As President of the Raiders, I am charged with keeping our team at the top of the list of worst places for a head to coach to land, and I hadn’t made a move since I fired that smart-mouth little punk Wade Griffin back on September 30, 1998.” (Here the press conference was briefly interrupted as Davis’ handlers rushed to the podium and reminded him that the smart-mouth little punk he fired was actually named Lane Kiffin and that the year was actually 2008.)

After firing his handlers for correcting him in public, Davis resumed the press conference by stating that contrary to reports by that “professional liar, amateur rodeo clown and noted part-time male escort” Chris Mortensen, the Raiders were not leaning towards hiring current interim coach Tom Cable as a permanent solution to their coaching vacancy. Further, Davis denied any interest in hiring New York Giants OC Kevin Gilbride because, according to Davis “he seemed like a guy who might do well enough to stay here for a while.”

Instead, Davis announced that just before the press conference, the Raiders had reached an agreement to hire former Boston College head coach “Jeb Jagorinski” as the next coach of the Silver and Black. “Jeb came highly recommended to me as someone who understands what its like to work for a boss who will fire you on a moments notice. As a young, smart, successful and ambitious coach, he is the perfect choice to be the next former head coach of the Raiders. I can tell you that I have already met with Coach Jargoreeski this morning in his office, and I didn’t like the way he carried himself. He acted like he owned the place and even had the audacity to put pictures of his own family in there.”

Following his statement, Davis introduced Coach Jagodzinski as the Head Coach of the Oakland Raiders, and then proceeded to fire him “with cause” as he made his way to the podium. Showing signs of emotion, Jagodzinski noted that he was disappointed, but still appreciative of the opportunity to be a head coach in the NFL. He noted his experiences of “the plane ride out to Oakland” and “bumping into Raiders quarterback JaMarcus Russell in the hallway” as memories he would take with him of his time with the team. As for the again vacant head coach position in Oakland, the search continues.

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Posted on: January 8, 2009 9:41 am
Edited on: January 8, 2009 9:53 am

Art Major Leaving College Early To Enter Draft

Zach Franklin, a 1st semester art major at the University of Georgia, announced today that he was forgoing the final 3.5 years of college to declare for the NFL draft, in a posting made on his myspace page. Despite never playing a down of football in his life, Franklin feels college may not be right for him after being dumped by his high school girlfriend and having his brilliant comic book illustrations misunderstood to be crap.

Mel Kiper Jr. broke down what Franklin can bring to a team, in a segment on his radio program. "This guy brings a lot to an NFL organization. He has quite a collection of comic books, ironic t-shirts, goth jewelry, and many self-written scripts for movies about ninjas and schoolgirls. It's going to be hard for opponents to prepare to face Franklin on the field, when they have to research his sad sad background of no sex and many long World Of Warcraft sessions. It's such a pathetic story, anyone would have trouble hitting this kid."

Other scouts critiqued Zach's body with some saying that he was built "like a skinny little pussy", but with the potential to become "the kind of skinny pussy you don't want to mess with, because he might be carrying a gun under his Hot Topic trenchcoat." Some have even said he has the potential to be as good as Ryan Leaf.

Franklin created a Youtube video to showcase his talents to scouts, showing him doing "football-like activities" such as catching a toilet paper roll and horse-collar tackling his 11-year-old sister. Kiper said the video was very impressive, but not because of the football-like activities, but because he also mixed together his favorite scenes from The Dark Knight at the end, and that is a really sweet movie.

When asked of the chances of Zach Franklin being drafted by an NFL team like themselves, a representative for the Detroit Lions said, "Sure, I can see it happening. He doesn't seem all that worse than people we have drafted in recent history."

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The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com