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Tag:football
Posted on: January 8, 2009 9:28 am
Edited on: January 8, 2009 9:53 am
 

NCAA Adds +1 Team To Next Years Championship Game

"There has been a great deal of clamor for a +1 system to be added to the current BCS Bowl format," said BCS chairman Rich Wallace in a press conference held today. "The current Utah-Texas-USC debate, as well as past years, have shown us that we may need to indeed add a +1 to our games. That is why I am here to announced that starting in 2009, we will have one extra team in the BCS National Championship Game!

"That's right, for the first time ever there will be a third team playing football at the same time as the other two. Just imagine, Oklahoma vs. Florida vs. USC! Plus that means we are still giving you Texas and Utah to argue about after it's over! It's the best of both worlds!"

Wallace went on to tell those in attendance that they had stadium designers working on a unique triangle shaped field for next year with 3 endzones. The rules for the game will, of course, have to be changed to accomodate the new field and extra team. One team is on offense and can choose to drive to any endzone they wish. The team who they are attacking in turn gets to play defense, while the team who is not being driven on can not defend directly, but they can make dispariaging comments about the offensive team such as criticizing their weight or insulting their mothers. USC has already hired an Assistant Your Mother Coordinator for next season in preparation.

"This is finally going to make everyone shut up about that third team who everyone feels should have won the title," continued Wallace. "Now we only have to hear about the next 3 teams with similar records and opponents who were kept out of the new 3-way game. That's 25% less complaining than we had this year, and that's real progress."

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Posted on: January 6, 2009 10:11 am
Edited on: January 6, 2009 10:14 am
 

Dolphins Fail To Prepare For Aflac Trivia Questio

The Miami Dolphins came away with a crushing first round loss to the Baltimore Ravens yesterday, with 5 turnovers and a horrid offensive showing to bounce themselves out of their first playoff appearance in 7 seasons. Coach Tony Sparano was asked at the post-game press conference which area he felt most could have used better preparation before the game.

"I don't like to talk about that really, because it just gets me so angry about how badly prepped we were," said Sparano. "Sure, we looked like lost sheep out there on defense, and sure we completed more passes to Ed Reed than our own receivers. But the thing that hurts most was that none of our players could correctly answer the AFLAC Trivia Question at halftime! Not a single one!

"We prepared all week for this thing! We studied Dolphins history, Ravens history, first round playoff trivia, recent hall of fame inductees, questions about the surrounding Miami area! But then they ask something about what the record was of the 1974 Cleveland Browns?! How were we supposed to remember they changed to the Ravens! This question hit us like a Mack truck today, and we were just completely unready for it."

During halftime players and coaches were gathered around the TV waiting for the familiar duck voicing AFLAC, instead of preparing for the following half. The Dolphins players were caught totally off-guard by the Browns trivia. Some attempted to phone a friend, others tried to look up the answer on the iPhones, but in the end there just wasn't enough time for them to get onto Wikipedia and check. They came back to the field for the second half dejected and beaten down, and their play never recovered.

"We're gonna be ready for this situation next year," said Sparano. "We didn't work all year just to let that damn duck beat us when it counts. We're bringing a full football almanac next year, and maybe that Stump The Schwab from ESPN. We'll be back, mark my words, you feathered piece of shit."

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Posted on: January 6, 2009 10:01 am
Edited on: January 6, 2009 10:15 am
 

Fiesta Bowl Being Served Tonight At Mexican Place

Friends of Jerry Williams, a resident of San Juan, California, are pumped about tonight's Fiesta Bowl.

"This is it baby!" said friend Kirk Sanchez. "We have been waiting all month for today's Mexican restaurant night! Every week we go out to dinner together with our wives and have something to drink. And tonight we go to Don Juan's, which has these big amazing food bowls. This one called the Fiesta Bowl is just to die for, it has beans, cheese, chips, rice, salsa, beef, and it's still cheaper than all the rest!"

"I mean, the food items we have playing together in tonight's bowl are delicious," said Jerry. "Cheese, beans, where do you go wrong with those? Even though it's one of the lesser bowls, I dare say they belonged in the big Burrito Caliente Spanish Championship Bowl, their most expensive one. I mean that thing has guacamole and pork playing in it. Who really wants to eat that? These ingredients were much more deserving."

"I don't know who I favor in tonight's Fiesta Bowl," said other friend Bruce Wilson. "I'm kind of leaning towards the beef as my favorite, but beans have a good pass rush right out my colon the next day. It's really a toss-up. One thing is for certain, and that's even though these ingredients may not have been deemed the most expensive by the food writers of the nation, we are happy to let them play in our mouths."

When asked if they would be watching any of tonight's Fiesta Bowl between Texas and Ohio State, they all answered no.

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Posted on: January 6, 2009 9:51 am
Edited on: January 6, 2009 10:15 am
 

Bengals Try To Place Franchise Tag On Matt Cassel

The Cincinnati Bengals have been reprimanded today by the NFL for attempting to place their franchise tag on New England Patriots QB Matt Cassel. The Bengals submitted their franchise tag paperwork some time overnight with Cassel's name on it instead of one of their own players. The league sent a primer on how the franchise system works to head coach Marvin Lewis, much like the primer they had sent to all 53 players on their roster after they began the year 0-8 about how football works. The Patriots in turn used their franchise tag on Cassel legally.

"Look, they already have Tom Brady," said Bengals owner Mike Brown. "What are they going to do with a second great quarterback? At least let us have one! Our guy Carson Palmer can't make it through a game of Madden without getting injured! Obviously the rules are unfair if they are going to allow the Patriots to have both these guys out there at once next year. You wait and see, they will both be throwing touchdown passes at the same time and on the same play next year. That is just unfair! 14 points on one play! How are my Bengals ever supposed to get 14 points in 60 minutes to beat that score?!"

Matt Cassel made a brief statement after hearing the news of his almost move to Cincinnati. "Thank you, oh god thank you Patriots," was all he said in a statement released to the press.

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Posted on: January 3, 2009 9:35 am
Edited on: January 3, 2009 9:52 am
 

Brett Farve Refutes Claims By Anonymous

ESPN ran a story yesterday saying that an Anonymous Jets player said that Brett Favre was distant from the rest of the team and spent most of his time in a private office alone. Anonymous went on to say that Favre should have been benched during his 3 interception performance in week 16, and the team can't be all about one person. The news goes to further illustrate just how fast things went from good to sour in New York after the team started the year 8-3.

But Favre is not taking the news lying down, and in a press conference today disputed these allegations, saying that Anonymous was actually the one who was distant from the team, and that people barely even knew who he was.

"I don't even remember playing with this guy," said Favre. "I remember Laveranues Coles, Thomas Jones, but I can't remember Anonymous even showing up for team meetings. If you want to look at someone to blame for our failures down the stretch, you can look right to him. I threw 20 incompletions in that last game, but at least 15 of those were to Anonymous, and he didn't come down with a single one. It's like he wasn't even out there on the field."

Indeed, other players are struggling to remember their teammate at all. "Anonymous...It's not ringing a bell," said Nick Mangold. "Is he french or something?"

Analysts are jumping all over the latest comments from Anonymous. "This guy is just a locker room cancer," said ESPN's Trey Wingo. "People really get on Terrell Owens and Randy Moss for things they say after tough losses, but it's actually Anonymous who is the worst. Every time you hear really damaging stuff, it's from this guy. At least they contribute on the field. Anonymous has never even made a pro bowl. The Jets need to cut ties with him during the offseason and move on."

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Posted on: January 3, 2009 9:21 am
Edited on: January 3, 2009 9:53 am
 

Notre Dame To Change Into Passive Agressive Irish

After another sub-par year for Notre Dame football, head coach Charlie Weis vows big changes on the horizon for next season. He says that in order to change the results on the field, they are going to have to change their entire team identity.They will start by no longer being known as the Notre Dame Fighting Irish, but the Passive Agressive Irish.

Instead of their old defensive methods of attempting to tackle the opposing team, they will express their desire for them not to get into the endzone by not speaking to them for a long time or maybe not inviting them to the annual Christmas party. Charlie Weis has already begun deploying his passive agressive mind games against USC for next season when he did not include them in a Top 5 college teams bulletin he posted on his Facebook. We will have to wait and see if this technique can stop them from beating them by 30 points again next year.

"We just don't have the athletes to fight head to head against these big programs," said Weis. "That is why we are changing the name of the team. We aren't going to be able to establish a power running game over Michigan's athletes, but we can not call them for a couple of weeks and see if that throws them off guard long enough to get some touchdowns. Look, this is the best plan I could come up with..."

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Posted on: December 30, 2008 10:30 am
Edited on: December 30, 2008 10:32 am
 

Cowher Told Hilarious Joke By Cleveland Owner

Bill Cowher appeared on a CBS Sports playoff special today to report on a hilarious joke he had been told by Cleveland Browns owner Randolph Lerner. Cowher, who formerly coached the Steelers for 15 years, was chatting with the other studio anchors about the firing of Romeo Crennel and said that despite the bad season Lerner was surprisingly in a chipper mood.

"He called me on the phone today, actually," said Cowher to the other analysts. "He didn't seem all that upset about what had happened, and even proceeded to immediately tell me a great joke. He said, do you want to coach my team next year? He didn't even laugh as he said the words! As if anyone would want to do that! I told him he was one silly son of a bitch, and started laughing hysterically. He hung up somewhere in the 3rd straight minute of laughter, he must have not been able to contain his own giggles or something. That guy is such a prankster."

Indeed, reports from all around the league indicate prank calls from Lerner to many big NFL coaching candidates. He apparently has called Dick LeBeau, Mike Martz, and even Bill Parcells and told them the side-splitter, only to hang up on them when they burst out into laughter.

The joke has become incredibly popular, with school children asking each other in the schoolyard if they want to be the coach of the Cleveland Browns. Producers from The Daily Show have reportedly offered a head writing position to Lerner, after hearing this incredibly funny question.

"We had no idea an NFL business man could be this funny!" said Daily Show host Jon Stewart. "We had heard some zingers from previous year such as 'Do you want to sign a free agent contract with us?' or 'I can honestly see us winning the division next year'. But this new joke really takes the cake. There has never been a more absurd question than if someone would actually want to coach this team."

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Posted on: December 30, 2008 10:20 am
Edited on: December 30, 2008 10:33 am
 

Bell Helicopters Bowl Spurs Big Sales Increase

When Bell Helicopters signed on to sponsor the Armed Forces Bowl this year, they only considered it because of the great deal they were given, on account of no one wanting to watch a bowl with a barely eligible military team. But, their corporate headquarters are glad to report a drastic increase in helicopter sales as a result of the new exposure.

"We hear a lot about this bad recession the country is going through," said Bell president Gary Fulmer. "But ever since we were featured in front of a bowl, sales have really picked up. People are buying lots of helicopters, and even adding some of the expensive accessory packages like heat-seeking missles and motion-sensing gattling guns. It's a very exciting time for Bell Helicopters."

Apparently the increase in sales is due to the oversaturation of trucks and SUVs for sports-watching males. Today's man wants something with a little more omph, and a little more off-road capability than 4-wheel drive can give. Bell gives them several options such as a double propeller family helicopter that seats a family of 18, with a TV in the back for the kids. Or the always popular convertible sports copter, with an open roof for the feeling of 200 MPH wind rushing through your hair. Nothing impresses the ladies like a copter landing on them with the top down, blowing sand and trash around their faces.

"We are glad people are returning to the Bell Helicopters brand," continued Fulmer. "For too many years we have seen sales tail off to Japanese manufacturers who offer cheaper prices and hybrid powered copters. When you buy a helicopter for your family or you buy your child their first copter when they turn 16, buy American. Our nuclear payload deployment bays are much more reliable than those from overseas. That's the Bell Promise..."

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The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com