Category:General
Posted on: July 9, 2009 2:31 pm
 

Pepto Joey

In case you were too busy stuffing your own face this weekend on the Fourth of July, you might have missed American professional eater, Joey Chestnut, claim his third consecutive hot dog eating championship. The hot dog eating competition is considered the Super Bowl of professional eating, which is held each year on the Fourth of July at Coney Island. Chestnut once again outlasted national superstar Kobayashi and set a new world record by eating 68 hot dogs in a span of 10 minutes. Now I don't know about you, but that sounds not only absolutely obsurd but it sounds like something that a human being should not be able to accomplish. After about five hot dogs, you can point me to the nearest corner with a big garbage bag and I'll see you in about half an hour. So when I hear 68 hot dogs, it makes me want to sit on the john and read the dictionary from cover to cover.

What is the most amazing thing to me is what I heard Mr. Chestnut say in an interview after he was asked what he does when the competition is over. His calmly responded by saying he signs autographs for a few hours and then goes to sleep. Sleep?!?! What happened to running toward a bathroom and puking all that stuff out. Either he is not human, has an abnormal digestive system, or he is taking some amazying meds to help him deal with that pain. Which got me to thinking...How is Joey Chestnut not doing commercials for Pepto Bismol. Could there be a more perfect partnership than those two. Just take a look at how the bottle would look.

Just look at the pain on that man's face. There is no need for words. And if I saw a man endorsing Pepto Bismol that can take a nap after eating 68 hot dogs without pain, then I know that the pink elixor can cure any problems that I am going to have...no matter how much I eat. The company could even get Joey to do that little song and dance that they have random people doing on commercials. I am no genius, but this just seems to easy to me.
Category: General
Posted on: June 17, 2009 6:41 pm
Edited on: June 22, 2009 4:58 pm
 

Mike and Mike or Bert and Ernie?

Has anyone else noticed a striking resemblence of two popular radio/talkshow hosts on a certain unnamed network to Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street. Both duos are extremely well liked, love each other despite arguing at times and look astonishingly similar.


I don't know about you, but I feel a Saturday Night Live skit in the making.

Category: General
Posted on: June 17, 2009 2:50 pm
 

A Cryin' Shame

So with the wonderful job of dealing with censored messages on Friday night, that meant only one thing...I needed to find a good movie to keep myself entertained. After doing that unenthusiastic search that everyone does through their friend's dvd collection, hoping to find a movie that they either have not seen more than five times or haven't yet seen, my girlfriend came across Marley & Me. I heard this was a pretty good movie and love dogs along with Jennifer Aniston...lol, so I agreed to watch it. Well, not only was it much better than I thought, but I have never watched a movie that has made me cry that much. Granted, I am a pretty emotional guy, but this was just ridiculous. Toward the end of the movie, I started thinking to myself, "OK, I am not going to cry...don't embarrass yourself." But then then my eyes filled up with water faster than cups on a football sideline manned my Bobby Boucher. And then I thought, "Well, this is no big deal, women like sensative guys and there is nothing wrong with crying during a movie." But then, the movie really started to hit home, and I felt a wheeping king of crying coming on...you know the one where you are trying to talk but nobody understands you because the only thing that comes out is a hiccup-like-scream fit only for the the mating calls of a sea lion. I tried extremely hard to keep my composure, but I was pretty much a complete mess. Thankfully, my girlfriend already knows that I'm pathetically emotional when it comes to movies, but this got me to thinking...when is it socially acceptable for a man to cry in public or in front of others. With that being said, here is my list of the Top 5 Most Acceptable reasons for a man to cry in public minus the obvious, and not very fun to talk about, death of a loved one.  

5. Snakes : If you find yourself cornered by a venomous snake that you have just mistaken for a football shaped twig in an attempt to show off your kicking skills to the make-believe-friend you acquired on your walk home after consuming the entire bottle of Jack Daniels at the bar, then it's OK to cry in public. Not only have you drank too much to outsmart a parking meter, let alone a snake, but snakes have to be the scariest animals on the planet. Oh no? You show me another animal on the planet that can move that fast on land without legs. Ya, I don't think so! Oh, and not to mention the fact that you are about to die, because if a snake has you cornered, that means all other life forms have left the scene of your eventual death long before you pissed yourself.

4. Fantasy Football : If your fantasy team is down by five points in the championship game, and your running back gets tackled on the one yard line leading to a quarterback sneak to end the game, then it's OK to cry in public. I know you are thinking, "What a dork, who crys over Fantasy Football?" Well, you are exactly correct...fantasy dorks do. And since I have yet to meet a guy that does not obsess over fantasy football, that makes us all dorks. Unless you have experienced that anticipation of Week 1 of the NFL when everyone has a good fantasy team, you don't understand that there is nothing else going on in the world besides football. The President could be shot and you will be upset because the breaking news is interupting the final drive of the Bengals-Browns game even though the score is 45-17. If you see a guy sitting in front of a TV all by himself at Ale House on a Sunday and you don't even have to wonder why he is crying, then you understand his pain and would never judge him for being incapable of controlling his emotions.

3. Once in a lifetime opportunities missed : If you randomly meet an intoxicated Megan Fox, who by the grace of God, invites you back to her place for a "pillow fight," and you instead get pulled over for speeding and subsequently taken to jail for going 50mph over the speed limit, then it's OK to cry in public.  As a matter of fact, if any of your friends happen to be with you, it is also OK for them to cry as well. Now, if you were swifter than the average goofball and convinced the cop that the reason you were speeding was because you were about to become the envy of all manhood and that he should let you go, then it would once again be OK to cry...this time tears of joy in public. And if you were lucky enough to acquire photos of your romp with Miss Fox, only to have them eaten by your dog, it would actually be OK to cry for a week straight in the middle of a crowded arena.

2. A Swift Kick in the Balls : I am not really sure that this topic really needs much of an explanation. It doesn't really matter if you get nailed in the balls or someone gives you a quick little tap on your manhood, it hurts like the dickens. It's simple. You get hit in the crown jewels, you instantly fall down and you cry. Nobody thinks any less of you and quite frankly, they are just thankful that they don't have to feel your pain.

1. Disappointing your Mother : OK, this one seems a bit pathetic, but whether or not you want to admit it, the last thing you want to do is let down the woman who brought you into the world. I read a story about how a man was holding a family hostage in their own house after shooting a cop and how he emerged from that situation without being shot. You know why? Because the SWAT team brought his mother to the house, and she told him to drop his weapon and surrender. He did it. Now that is some powerful stuff. Unfortunately for this guy, he would soon be crying behind bars on the shoulder of some guy named Bruno.
Category: General
Posted on: April 1, 2009 12:53 pm
Edited on: April 1, 2009 2:50 pm
 

The Tools of April Fools

The day has come. The day every prankster and joker lives for and dreams about all year long. April Fools' Day is upon us. This day is like Halloween for all the women that can't wait to dress like a ....well, you get the idea. However, this day is not for everyone. While most people forget about this wonderful day or even cower in the wake of its greatness, it takes a special person to really understand the importance of April Fools' Day and truly succeed in making it a day that contributes to a better world.

Before I delve into some great pranks, the strategy behind them and how well they play out, I must first discuss the type of person it takes to be a successful and long-tenured prankster and certain guidelines that must be followed. A prankster must first understand that once he or she plays a joke on any friend, they are opening up a can of worms that will never ever be closed again. If you plan on involving yourself in the wonderful world of pranks, the person you are playing the prank on must have an excellent sense of humor and more important than that, you must have an even more accepting sense of humor. Why is that? Because you will receive whatever you pull off twice as bad. People don't forget, and they are going to get you back. This leads me to my final rule. The best prankster knows when to draw the line and keep things funny, yet not downright wrong. Don't mess around with people dying, curing diseases, family members disappearing, the mother of a man's children and pets. Other than that, all is fair in pranks and April Fools' Day. Now, onto the fun part...

 

The random note on the car : My neighbor pulled this joke on me in college and she did it to perfection. I was walking to class when I noticed a note on my car. I picked it up, having totally forgotten that it was April Fools' Day and it said something along the lines of, "You are a huge jerk, and I want to thank you for ruining my life. I wish I never met you, and I hope you have enough money to pay for this child for the rest of your life, because if not, I am going to make your life a living hell." Yes, at that very moment in time, when I finished reading the last word of that note...I crapped my pants! As a young college kid that couldn't remember what he did the previous night, let alone last week, I thought of every girl I had ever looked at and who the hell this could be. I walked back into the house and my roommates freaked out as well. After I called about five people, my roommates alerted me that it was April Fools' Day and somebody was probably messing with me. Any normal person would have just brushed it off and said, "Oh man, that was a good one." But I was in a state of panic and couldn't understand logical reasoning. I was freaked out for about a week until my neighbor knocked on the door and asked to borrow the vacuum cleaner. When she returned it, she asked, "Did you like the note on your car?" I was so relieved that is was a joke that I couldn't even be mad at her. It was well played and I was greatly impressed as she earned my respect as one of the great pranksters I have ever met. There is no way I could have gone an entrie week without telling someone that I was the one that left that note on the car.

Plastic rap on the toilet : This sounds very elementary, but let me reassure you that some of the most exhilarating things in life are elementary. There is nothing funnier than listening to your roommate curse himself at 11 a.m. because it takes him a good 30 seconds to figure out why he can't land his stream in the toilet. If you pull this off to perfection and have the plastic rap tight enough, your roommate will be watering the walls with his morning fluids, and I don't know about you, but there really isn't anything much funnier than that. The key to this prank is to make sure you don't pull this off in your own apartment or house because you are going to be cleaning the walls and the floors for a good 15 minutes, that is unless you don't mind having your mentally "different" dog clean it up for you...what? He ate everything! My ex-girlfriend actually pulled this off on her roommate and let me warn you, if you are going to try this joke on a girl, you better know her very, very, very well because as you can imagine, nobody wants their own urine on them early in the morning...or ever for that matter. Guys, if you pull this on your girlfriend, she better be the most understanding girl alive or you will be sleeping on the couch for the next month.

Pie in the face : I had a rival kickball team get me really good last year with this one. Now I know what you are thinking. Pie in the face? Not so original right. Well, trust me, there is a hidden agenda when it comes to the pie in the face. The pie that I got hit with was not really a pie, but just a bunch of whip cream in a pan. And when that stuff gets on you, it doesn't come off. I had it everywhere, from in my ears, to in my hair, to on my contacts to the point where I couldn't see because they were actually blury. So now you are thinking, "Whatever, whip cream tastes good; who cares if I have it all over me." Well, you are right, whip cream does taste good, but let me assure you that when you head to the bar after a game...whip cream most certainly doesn't smell good after it has been smeared on you for a few hours. As I walked around the bar, every single person either asked me why I smelled like puke or curdled milk. I didn't even realize it at first, but once it was pointed out...man did I ever smell like the worst thing I have ever smelled in my entire life. I had to throw away everything I was wearing that night. To this day, I think half the people in the bar think that I puked all over myself. So if you ever get a pie to the face loaded with whip cream...TAKE A SHOWER IMMEDIATELY AND WASH YOUR CLOTHES!

I know there are plenty more pranks, but those are the best three that I have either pulled off or had done to me. I would love to get some input and know of any other pranks that I an unaware of so that I can add them to my arsenal.

Happy April Fools' Day!

 

 

 

 

 

Category: General
Posted on: March 4, 2009 8:29 am
Edited on: March 4, 2009 11:48 am
 

Feeling the Pain

As sports fans, we see athletes going down with leg injuries all the time, especially during football season. We know that this usually means that the athlete for our team will be out for a certain amount of time, or in Tom Brady's case, the entire season. Everyone knows how detrimental this can be to a team, depending on the importance of that player, but what we don't think about is how an injury like this affects athletes throughout every-day life.

I recently pulled my hamstring, or at least that's what I think because I'm too stubborn to see the doctor, playing kickball...yes, that's right, I said kickball. Please don't ask anymore questions...just go with it. Anyway, I was upset about being injured because it meant that I would not be able to play for a while, but what I soon realized is that I forgot how difficult it is to function throughout the day when you have a leg injury. Here are a few issues that I have recently run into and please feel free to laugh at me as much as you would like since some of them are a bit embarrassing.


Putting on underwear and pants : After I grimace my way out of the shower and find a way to dry myself off without crying like an overweight cat in heat, the most difficult part of my day is putting on my underwear. I am being dead serious! At first I tried to put my red, jockey boxer briefs on the normal way, forgetting that my leg is tighter that the clinched jaw of someone that bet the under on the Super Bowl and more colorful than a parade in Key West, and let's just say that didn't go very well. So, next I tried dangling the elusive garment below my injured leg and dropping my limb with a blind hope that it would find the appropriate hole, however, I ended up grabbing the elastic band with my toes while still desperately holding my jockeys with my opposite hand. Well, let's just say this was a worse idea as I ended up dropping my leg in an attempt not to stub my toe, which created more pressure on my leg, causing me to fall face first on my unmade bed. I can only imagine what my dog is thinking, watching a completely naked man fall face first on the bed and screaming like he had just been stabbed and undoubtedly cursing about something his mother would not be proud to hear. So there I am, butt-ass naked, lying on my bed, still holding my underwear, and I realize that five minutes have gone by and I have failed to complete a task that a three-year-old can finish on his own in less that 10 seconds. That's when I knew it was going to be a long day.

Going to the bathroom : There is nothing glorious about sitting on a toilet so I will try and keep this as non descriptive as possible, but it must not go without being mentioned. I will never take for granted sitting on a toilet seat again now that I know what it feels like to have a breathing watermelon in my leg. And as you can imagine, you can't actually sit when your right leg is about twice the size of your left leg, so what do you do? Well, the only thing you can do. You lean to your left side and hold your right leg in the most comfortable position as possible and you pray that you are able to get the job done before your leg either cramps up, falls asleep or you actually fall of the boat, which are all dangerous situations to encounter. If you get lucky enough to finish your task at hand in an ample time frame, you then have to worry about the clean-up, which you would think would be easier since you are already leaning toward one side. However, an uncomfortable leg that doesn't want to do what you are telling it to do presents an unfavorable situation requiring quick improvisations. All I could come up with was squatting over my work space with a stepping stool to help secure my non-flexibly inclined leg and praying that nobody would ever see me in such an uncompromising position in my life.


Driving : First of all, I must make sure that I don't forget anything because once I get into the car, there is no getting out. I don't care what I forgot...it can wait until I get back. And if I am sitting in the passenger seat of a car, I have to have the driver close the door for me. You would think this would give you a feeling of importance with someone closing your door for you, but it doesn't. Mostly because the person closing the door for you has to get up and walk around the car after they give you a look like you are the biggest waste of space on the face of the planet, all the while reminding you how much you owe them and that if you were not injured, they would kick your ass up and down the street without feeling guilty about it. Anyway, back to the actual driving part. Thankfully, I have an automatic car, not that I would be able to drive a manual anyway (yes, it is one of the embarrassing failures in my life) because I need my left foot available to lift me up instead of pumping a clutch. It's not that painful to press on the breaks, but in order to actually get anywhere, a driver has to actually step on the gas a few times and since sitting on my leg hurts more than a scorpion attached to the tip of a nose, you can only imagine how great it feels to press down on my leg when I am already sitting on it. So I have devised a plan to lift my body with my left foot and work the pedals with my half-witted right foot. You can imagine that the process is not awesome in any way, shape or form and I hope than nobody has to actually witness such a feat, not that anyone with half a brain would actually get in a car with me after watching this display of idiocracy. Every light I approach usually involves me saying, " Please turn red, please turn red, please turn red...where are all these damn green lights coming from!"



Putting on/Taking off socks and shoes : After the first frustrating effort of attempting to remove my socks and shoes since I was able to put them on normally before I was injured, the process becomes a bit easier than the actual application of foot protection. Now, I am not saying that it's easy to remove my shoes and socks, but I usually have more time since I don't have a certain place to be and rubbing my feet together in what can only be described as a disturbing convulsion usually does the trick. However, the process comes with indescribable sounds of discomofort and relief once the process is over, but none of it compares to attempting to put a sock on my right foot. To make things worse, I am probably one of the least flexible people in the world and have learned to live with the issue, but having a hamstring that is more useless than the stock market makes things a bit more difficult than what I am used to. I first tried hanging the sock on my toes, which I actually succeeded in doing, but that's all they did, just hang there. I wasn't smart enought to realize that once I got them hanging, that I still wouldn't be able to reach that part of my foot and pull them secure. So next, I dropped them on the floor and tried to slide them on like shoes, but I quickly realized that it was probably the dumbest idea I have not only thought of but actually tried to implement. So as I was already late to work and going no where fast, I thought of the best idea I had come up with all week. Who needs socks anyway? My shoes have the appropriate lining and isn't that why they created shoe-odor spray anyway?

Walking : Once I have spent my entire morning just attempting to get dressed, I usually feel proud of myself if I haven't cried yet throughout the process, but that is short lived once I start heading down the hallway to my cubible, and I realize that I am walking like someone just sanded off the right side of my ass. So, I have been trying not to leave my desk too much, but there are issues which make this task difficult like hunger, having to empty my bladder, doing actual work and boredom. Maybe I should just pick up one of those motorized carts at Publix on my lunch break and maneuver around the office in one of those bad boys, but who knows how long it would take me to get on and off that thing. I guess I will just have to suffer like everyone else and learn to have a newfound respect for athletes that have to deal with constant injuries. However, Tom Brady has Giselle to take care of him, while I have a 90 pound pit-bull that stares at me with disappointment. Too bad I wasn't born with a rocket arm, but at least I have learned to embrace the wonders of humility.

 

 

Category: General
Tags: Tom Brady
 
Posted on: February 25, 2009 9:10 am
 

Over Info-rmed

Last week, we took a look at some of the most popular products being sold on TV with the influx of informercials sweeping across all the television sets in America, unfortunately, this is only a blog and not novel, so we are going to take a look at some more products created to sucks the life out of your bank account. Now, don't get me wrong because I'm not saying that buying products on television or off the internet is asinine because we all do it, but just try and be selective while keeping in mind how you are going to explain to your loved one that you just spent three easy payments of $19.95 on something that you will either never use or that has been under your sink for three years already...Oh, but you also received a free piece of junk for calling within the next 20 minutes so you got a bargain.

 

The Bender Ball : Cleverly named after the woman that created the ball, although I am not really sure if anyone should be taking credit for creating balls, and the action the ball makes when in use. Who would have thought that a ball bends when you sit on it to make those enjoyable crunches even more entertaining? Now, I am not saying that this product doesn't work, because I have never tried it and sitting on a ball is probably more comfortable than the ground, but hasn't this thing been around for years. Back in the day when I was a gym rat, which is about five years ago, the gym had these balls lined up underneath the dumbell racks and in front of the mirrors. They had large balls big enough to sleep on, medium sized balls which I used to do sit-ups on and smaller balls were always calling my name to boot across the gym, but that's besides the point. This is like my last name being Lifter, and me attempting to sell dumbbells under the name weight lifters. I would like to think America is not that dumb...right? Plus, I have about fifteen of these balls in my car which are also known as kickballs. Don't ask.

 

ShamWow: I'm not sure about the numbers, but this has to be the most popular and most productive item sold on television. And as a matter of fact, my roommate ordered this thing a few weeks ago and we have already used it, but not on something that a paper towel couldn't take care of. Now, I don't have the greatest memory, but I believe my mom was using something of this nature to clean up nasty spills and wonderful puke (The dog's not mine...no seriously) when I was still in high school which is about eight years ago. The cloth looked just like the ShamWow cloth and definitely permformed like a champion so I can't say much in that area. I'm just not sure if she was using something different or she just knew about ShamWow before it became a television icon. I would like to think she was ahead of her time since she always had some product that I had never seen and that fixed every problem that would arise. You gotta love moms! Anyway, this product definitely works, but I guess I'm just old fashioned and would rather throw fifteen paper towels on the carpet, stomp on them a few times, leave it there for about two hours, let the dog lick up the remains and then just throw the paper towels away instead of worrying about cleaning a cloth to use again. And for those of you that get upset when your dog throws up on the carpet, don't remove the animal from the area. Just leave it there for a few minutes and he or she will take care of the problem themselves...just don't watch...trust me people, it works.

 

Doggy Steps : This damn thing is almost as bad as doggy strollers which is a totally different subject that I don't want to get started on because I'll get all worked up and then I will ruin my day. Anyway, this thing is basically a stepping stool that you place next to your bed or sofa or whatever your animal wants to try and shed on. Now I know we are quickly becoming a lazier society and we could be the slackest countries in the world, but do we really need to corrupt our pets as well? I mean we already push them around in carts, carry them in handbags and dress them in little outfits which I know they are cursing at us for when we tell them how cute they look...trust me, I can talk to animals. Here's an idea, if your dog is having a difficult time getting on the bed, pick that pooch up and put him on there, it's really not that hard people. What is that? What about when you are not home? Well if your dog is too old to get up on the bed on his or her own, they are probably better off not making it up there. I'm sure the nice cold tile or warm carpet will do just fine. Dogs eat food off floor and lick their own asses...they are not very picky animals...unless we make them that way.

 

Mighty Mend It : Despite the fact that if I see this commercial one more time, I'm going to actually buy the product and mighty mend my ears and eyes shut to ease the pain. Oh but this isn't actually glue, it's a totally different substance that helps anything stick together. Well I don't really care what it's made of but we already have ten different versions of this stuff. Super Glue has been around longer than I can remember with plenty of knock-offs of the product. And we all know that super glue works perfectly and if you don't, just trust me on that one. I have super glued my fingers to just about anything I can get my hands on, albeit I'm not the sharpest sword in the duel, but don't worry...I have never pulled a Jason Biggs in American Pie 2. Now until Mighty Mend It can repair the hole in the o-zone layer or help 'mend' the disastrous economy that is spiraling out of control, I'm just not going to be that impressed.

 

Strap Perfect : This product claims to enhance cleavage for the lovely ladies and I am definitely not going to bash boosting the wonderful bust line, but this product just seems a bit too simple. All it does is pull the bra straps together to squeeze the bra together more. Does it work? I have no idea and I'm not really doubting whether or not it does but is someone really selling a pack of three of these things for $9.95. Yes, it's not a lot of money, but the damn things look like more aesthetically pleasing paper clips. I mean bra straps are not the toughest things to hold together...not that I would know, but I have heard. With all the different clips and straps girls have for their hair, they have no reason to buy this product. They just need to steal the idea and be creative. C'mon ladies, I know you are all smater than this. And if you ever need anyones opinion on whether or not a product is improving your cleavage, I will be more than willing to assist you in any way you need. I'm a nice guy and I enjoy helping out all my readers.

 

Category: General
Posted on: February 18, 2009 10:29 am
Edited on: February 18, 2009 1:04 pm
 

Too Much Info-mation

I'm not sure if I have a newfound disdain for not only informercials, the products being sold and the people buying them or if there really is a surplus of these annoying interruptions during my precious television time. From what I can remember, infomercials used to be on television around 2 a.m., nobody ever watched them as the very sight would render an instant change of the channel and nobody ever actually purchased any of the products, at least nodody I know. But now, it's as if the only commercials on television are infomercials selling what I thought was useless and money wasting products; however, I seem to be mistaken because even this crappy economy, people actually purchase these things. I don't know if it's the "If you call right now we will throw in this useless piece of crap for free" pitch or people are just hoping the commercials will go away if they give in, but I am here to tell you to save your money and why you have no business even considereing purchasing items a five-year-old could produce. Let's take a look at some of the popular products that people seem to be purchasing at an alarming rate!


Snuggie : People! You have one of these in your closet already. It's called a sweater, except it actually fits you better and is more stylish. You can also find a lighter version of the snuggie at your local hospital. Yes, that's right, I am talking about a backwards gown. Just ask someone you know that works at a hospital to steal a few gowns for you, hopefully unused, and you have yourself a new snuggie. Or you could always save money by using what the rest of America has in their house to keep them warm...a blanket. What is that you say? The snuggie has sleeves that fit over your arm. Well so does a damn blanket! Those things cover your entire body. I don't think I have ever heard a person say, "Man, blankets would be so much more comfortable if they had sleeves." You know why? Because there is nothing wrong with blankets, which is why we have been using them for centuries and they are just as efficient as ever. I wouldn't use a snuggie if someone gave it to me as a gift for fear of losing my common sense license.


Big City Slider Station
: Not only is this commercial close to landing me in an insane asylum if I actually hear it again, but I don't understand what is different about this product as opposed to what we already use to cook hamurgers. It actually reminds me of the fake cooking products we had as a child that either fell apart or was exiled to the back of the closet within a few months. I mean this product is just a pan with five small holes in it for beef. No, I don't already have one of these, but I guarantee you that everyone's mom already has one and she uses it to make cupcakes and muffins. Not to mention, you still have to shape the beef patties yourself before you place them in the Big City Slider Station, just like you would if you were to cook them in the oven, so I still fail to find the advantage to this useless piece of whatever it's made of. Oh, and their is this thing called a grill which every man with a soul already owns and was born knowing how to operate. Also keep in mind that a grill is an icon of our pastime and their is nothing that could ever reciprocate a perfectly cooked burger like a grill could. Anyone purchasing a product to replace a grill should be immediately arrested and tried for treason after acting in an un American manner. By the way, George Foreman Grills are OK, because they are still grills.



Pro Caulk : Despite the fact that I laugh everytime the words Pro Caulk are used on television, and I am going to make myself a T-Shirt that says Pro Caulk, are there really enough people in America that are willing to grout their own bathroom. Crap, the majority of the people in America don't even clean their own bathroom let alone enforce the current tiling. Oh but the product also comes with a square piece of plastic that helps to perfectly align your Pro Caulk in the alloted area...man that sounds wrong and I wasn't even attempting to go there. And this piece of plastic which probably costs about 1 cent to produce could probably be found under any household couch, closet or junk drawer. From what you ask? It doesn't really matter, it's a two inch square peice of plastic that a slow monkey could create in less than five minutes. I am in no way underestimating the power of caulk, but why don't we leave the use of this already invented substance to the professionals who have already mastered the use of the product.


Peticure-Petite-Pet-Nail-Clipper
: In addition to having a name too long for anything someone should consider paying for, this product looks more like a tool used for torturing animals. First of all, it should just be called a Dog-Nail Clipper because I can't think of another animal that you could use this contraption on. Most house cats are declawed and if they weren't, convincing a cat to stand still while you mess with its feet is like forcing George Bush to understand basic economic concepts. And any other animal that people keep as a pet is either too large or too small for this stupid thing. And I don't know about the rest of the dog owners around the world, but if I got within two feet of my dog with the grinding nail clipper thingy, he would either rip my face off like a fruit-role-up and make the contraption his new chew toy or create his own doggy door by barging through my wall. Either way, the person who created this tiny death trap obviously does't own a large dog or has the powers of the Dog whisperer. And we all know that nobody is half as talented as Cesar Millan because that man owns every dog he comes in contact with. I should find a way to recreate and sell him for a large profit.


Perfect Push Up : This is clear evidence that we have to be the laziest culture not only in the world but in the history of all living beings. Someone has taken the most simplistic exercise in the history of mankind and found a way to sell it. And the most alarming thing is that this product is selling like ice after a hurricane, which has caused spinoffs of this product to be produced like the perfect pull up. If I created the perfect beer chug, I wonder if people would buy it. I don't know if it's the idea of buying something so ridiculous forces people to do actually do push ups or if people have never actually completed a push up before. What is that you say? The perfect push up rotates my wrists like the action of a punch as I am moving toward the ground to complete my push up. Well that is great, but if I wanted to work on my mixed martial arts skills, I would buy a punching bag. And there is a reason it's called a push up...because your wrists aren't supposed to move. Otherwise it would be called a twist up or a punch up. This is not difficult stuff people, trust me, because I failed physics miserably. Just get on your hands and feet and push!

Category: General
Posted on: February 11, 2009 11:05 am
 

Pro Bowl Proposals

After watching the Pro Bowl this weekend, I came to the realization that the game desperately needs some changes. OK, so I didn't really watch the game, but neither did you, and I doubt you know anyone that did. And if someone was watching the game, I am more confident than Jack Bauer in a life threatening situation that they were not paying attention and have no idea what the final score was. It is apparent that the NFL realizes the Pro Bowl needs an energy boost as the game was moved to the weekend before the Super Bowl, which I think will slightly help ratings, but this just isn't nearly enough.

I understand that the game can't be moved to the middle of the season like all other All-Star games, but nobody is ever going to care about the actual outcome of the Pro Bowl as long as it's at the end of the season, so the thinking heads in charge of the greatest run professional sports business need to realize that the best direction to lean toward is entertainment. Take away some of the football aspect and add situations that are guaranteed to attract not only a football audience, but new fans to the game. With all of this in mind, here are some sure fire ways to attract an audience for the Pro Bowl.


Mandatory keg stands for punters, kickers and quarterbacks : These are the three positions that rely heavily on accuracy when performing their craft on the field. So what better way to make it more difficult to be accurate than to require a keg stand before a quarterback leaves the sideline for a series, a kicker comes out for a field goal or a punter attempts to pin the opposing team within its own five-yard line. Now, I am not talking about a wimpy five-second keg stand that wouldn't give Mini-Me a buzz, we are talking about an all out effort here. Any of these guys should be able to perform a one or two minute keg stand with two 400 pound linemen holding them up. Just imagine a field goal kicker nailing his holder in the crotch, a punter kicking the ball thirty yards...backward and a quarterback celebrating after he completes a perfect post pattern...to the mascot on the sideline. I mean, defenses aren't even allowed to rush the kicker on a field goal during games right now and you know that a quarterback won't get laid out so this will most certainly shake things up. Also, if a quarterback has been on the field for a long series and is completing to many passes, there will be a designated beer runner assigned to provide the signal caller with more happy juice between plays.

The announcers should be little kids : I have never really been a very big fan of announcers in general. None of them are allowed to say what is really on their mind because they have to be politically correct, and they don't want to upset the people they are constantly working with and interviewing. With these limitations, announcers tend to repeat simple concepts, explain rules to us that we already know and tell us stories that we could care less about. I know a lot of people who turn the volume off on games and either listen to music or nothing at all. If we had three random kids announcing a game, how entertaining that would be? Remember that show that Bill Cosby used to have, "Kids say the darndest things," well America used to eat that show up. There is nothing better than a kid saying something totally off the wall because he or she can get away with it. Just imagine hearing, "Terrell Owens caught the football. I think it was a touchdown. He made a nice catch, but he sure is a poopie head." I obviously can't recreat the humor involved in this situation because you can't predict what little kids are going to say, which is the beauty of this whole idea. As a matter of fact, they should do this for all games now that I think about it. 

 
Cheerleaders and players alternate playing
: This is a pretty simple concept and I can't think of one guy that would argue against this idea. I am not proposing that the players play against the cheerleaders, because that would just be a disaster, but the players would play against eachother for one series and then the cheerleaders would play against eachother for the next series and this would continute throughout the game. And the cheerleaders would wear pads over their outfits with the cutoff jerseys and the eye black. I don't know what it is about women with cutoff jerseys with eye black on, but it makes me smile. Don't tell me that as a Philadelphia Eagles fan, you wouldn't want to see the girl representing your team closeline the cheerleader from the Dallas Cowboys or New York Giants. As a Dolphins fan, I have no doubt our cheerleader would demolish the Jets cheerleader. Man I would probably record that and play it over and over again until it eventually made its way to my screensaver. And on the other side of the equation, while the girls are on the field, the players would be cheering. Now I am not saying I want to see any of them in short skirts, but I would find it pretty humorous to see them jumping up and down with pom poms, while performing some cheer they would undoubtedly butcher like most of their performances in a Saturday Night Live skit. And we all know T.O. already has some experience with pom poms. And yes, that is the second time I have referenced T.O., but I can't help it, he is just to easy to make fun of.

Worst team replace by the animal it represents : This is by far my favorite idea and although it might get a bit out of hand, that is essentially what we are looking for here. Each conference will take one of the teams in last place of its division and send home all the players representing that team, which probably won't be that many if any. Instead, they will be able to play the actual animal that team represents on the field. So for instance, the NFC could selct a lion to play for them and the AFC could select a Jaguar (both teams in last place in their respective divisons). To prevent absolute carnage, neither of the animals could be on the field at the same time and each one can only be used for one play in a series. So if the AFC, was down a touchdown with two seconds left on the clock and was receiving a kickoff, it could just put the Jaguar in and it would be essentially and outomatic touchdown. Plus it would be entertainment at its finest to watch top-notch athletes attempt to tackle a Jaguar. Or if the AFC was going for a first down on fourth and inches, the NFC could just unleash its lion and I am fairly confident the play would end it at least a 15 yard loss, depending on how fast the running back could change directions. Unfortunately, there were no birds in last place this season, as all but one of the bird teams made the playoffs, but just imagine how automatic your offense would be if you could use an eagle or a falcon.

Lineups are pulled out of a hat (helmet) : We all know what Peyton Manning and Larry Fitzerald are capable of as they are well recognized as the best at their respective positions. By the end of the season, nobody really cares if Peyton throws an eighty yard touchdown pass or Larry reels in two touchdown receptions. Yawn! Yawn again! We have already seen that and frankly its not that interesting if our fantasy team isnt kicking ass and the game doesn't count for anything. This situation would easily be remedied if all the players names were thrown into a helmet and a lovely cheerleader pulled their names out to determing the position they would be playing. And I am talking about offensive players playing on defense and special team and vice versa. I know it would be interesting to watch Albert Haynesworth throw a touchdown pass to James Harrison with Jay Culter blocking the play and Drew Brees attempting to make the tackle as Mr. Lewis ran him over like a rag doll. Or better yet, Jeff Feagles attempting to block Troy Polamlu as Andre Ware attempted to punt his team out of the endzone. Now I know this is a nightmare for agents and owners watching their star players attempt to play unfamiliar positions and risk injury, but everyone needs to stop worrying so much and enjoy the damn game. And yes, the lion and the jaguar would also have their names included in the helmet.


 
 
 
 
The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com