Posted on: July 9, 2009 2:31 pm
In case you were too busy stuffing your own face this weekend on the Fourth of July, you might have missed American professional eater, Joey Chestnut, claim his third consecutive hot dog eating championship. The hot dog eating competition is considered the Super Bowl of professional eating, which is held each year on the Fourth of July at Coney Island. Chestnut once again outlasted national superstar Kobayashi and set a new world record by eating 68 hot dogs in a span of 10 minutes. Now I don't know about you, but that sounds not only absolutely obsurd but it sounds like something that a human being should not be able to accomplish. After about five hot dogs, you can point me to the nearest corner with a big garbage bag and I'll see you in about half an hour. So when I hear 68 hot dogs, it makes me want to sit on the john and read the dictionary from cover to cover.
What is the most amazing thing to me is what I heard Mr. Chestnut say in an interview after he was asked what he does when the competition is over. His calmly responded by saying he signs autographs for a few hours and then goes to sleep. Sleep?!?! What happened to running toward a bathroom and puking all that stuff out. Either he is not human, has an abnormal digestive system, or he is taking some amazying meds to help him deal with that pain. Which got me to thinking...How is Joey Chestnut not doing commercials for Pepto Bismol. Could there be a more perfect partnership than those two. Just take a look at how the bottle would look.
Just look at the pain on that man's face. There is no need for words. And if I saw a man endorsing Pepto Bismol that can take a nap after eating 68 hot dogs without pain, then I know that the pink elixor can cure any problems that I am going to have...no matter how much I eat. The company could even get Joey to do that little song and dance that they have random people doing on commercials. I am no genius, but this just seems to easy to me.
Posted on: June 17, 2009 6:41 pm
Edited on: June 22, 2009 4:58 pm
Has anyone else noticed a striking resemblence of two popular radio/talkshow hosts on a certain unnamed network to Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street. Both duos are extremely well liked, love each other despite arguing at times and look astonishingly similar.
I don't know about you, but I feel a Saturday Night Live skit in the making.
Posted on: June 17, 2009 2:50 pm
So with the wonderful job of dealing with censored messages on Friday night, that meant only one thing...I needed to find a good movie to keep myself entertained. After doing that unenthusiastic search that everyone does through their friend's dvd collection, hoping to find a movie that they either have not seen more than five times or haven't yet seen, my girlfriend came across Marley & Me. I heard this was a pretty good movie and love dogs along with Jennifer Aniston...lol, so I agreed to watch it. Well, not only was it much better than I thought, but I have never watched a movie that has made me cry that much. Granted, I am a pretty emotional guy, but this was just ridiculous. Toward the end of the movie, I started thinking to myself, "OK, I am not going to cry...don't embarrass yourself." But then then my eyes filled up with water faster than cups on a football sideline manned my Bobby Boucher. And then I thought, "Well, this is no big deal, women like sensative guys and there is nothing wrong with crying during a movie." But then, the movie really started to hit home, and I felt a wheeping king of crying coming on...you know the one where you are trying to talk but nobody understands you because the only thing that comes out is a hiccup-like-scream fit only for the the mating calls of a sea lion. I tried extremely hard to keep my composure, but I was pretty much a complete mess. Thankfully, my girlfriend already knows that I'm pathetically emotional when it comes to movies, but this got me to thinking...when is it socially acceptable for a man to cry in public or in front of others. With that being said, here is my list of the Top 5 Most Acceptable reasons for a man to cry in public minus the obvious, and not very fun to talk about, death of a loved one.
5. Snakes : If you find yourself cornered by a venomous snake that you have just mistaken for a football shaped twig in an attempt to show off your kicking skills to the make-believe-friend you acquired on your walk home after consuming the entire bottle of Jack Daniels at the bar, then it's OK to cry in public. Not only have you drank too much to outsmart a parking meter, let alone a snake, but snakes have to be the scariest animals on the planet. Oh no? You show me another animal on the planet that can move that fast on land without legs. Ya, I don't think so! Oh, and not to mention the fact that you are about to die, because if a snake has you cornered, that means all other life forms have left the scene of your eventual death long before you pissed yourself.
4. Fantasy Football : If your fantasy team is down by five points in the championship game, and your running back gets tackled on the one yard line leading to a quarterback sneak to end the game, then it's OK to cry in public. I know you are thinking, "What a dork, who crys over Fantasy Football?" Well, you are exactly correct...fantasy dorks do. And since I have yet to meet a guy that does not obsess over fantasy football, that makes us all dorks. Unless you have experienced that anticipation of Week 1 of the NFL when everyone has a good fantasy team, you don't understand that there is nothing else going on in the world besides football. The President could be shot and you will be upset because the breaking news is interupting the final drive of the Bengals-Browns game even though the score is 45-17. If you see a guy sitting in front of a TV all by himself at Ale House on a Sunday and you don't even have to wonder why he is crying, then you understand his pain and would never judge him for being incapable of controlling his emotions.
3. Once in a lifetime opportunities missed : If you randomly meet an intoxicated Megan Fox, who by the grace of God, invites you back to her place for a "pillow fight," and you instead get pulled over for speeding and subsequently taken to jail for going 50mph over the speed limit, then it's OK to cry in public. As a matter of fact, if any of your friends happen to be with you, it is also OK for them to cry as well. Now, if you were swifter than the average goofball and convinced the cop that the reason you were speeding was because you were about to become the envy of all manhood and that he should let you go, then it would once again be OK to cry...this time tears of joy in public. And if you were lucky enough to acquire photos of your romp with Miss Fox, only to have them eaten by your dog, it would actually be OK to cry for a week straight in the middle of a crowded arena.
2. A Swift Kick in the Balls : I am not really sure that this topic really needs much of an explanation. It doesn't really matter if you get nailed in the balls or someone gives you a quick little tap on your manhood, it hurts like the dickens. It's simple. You get hit in the crown jewels, you instantly fall down and you cry. Nobody thinks any less of you and quite frankly, they are just thankful that they don't have to feel your pain.
1. Disappointing your Mother : OK, this one seems a bit pathetic, but whether or not you want to admit it, the last thing you want to do is let down the woman who brought you into the world. I read a story about how a man was holding a family hostage in their own house after shooting a cop and how he emerged from that situation without being shot. You know why? Because the SWAT team brought his mother to the house, and she told him to drop his weapon and surrender. He did it. Now that is some powerful stuff. Unfortunately for this guy, he would soon be crying behind bars on the shoulder of some guy named Bruno.
Posted on: April 1, 2009 12:53 pm
Edited on: April 1, 2009 2:50 pm
The day has come. The day every prankster and joker lives for and dreams about all year long. April Fools' Day is upon us. This day is like Halloween for all the women that can't wait to dress like a ....well, you get the idea. However, this day is not for everyone. While most people forget about this wonderful day or even cower in the wake of its greatness, it takes a special person to really understand the importance of April Fools' Day and truly succeed in making it a day that contributes to a better world.
Before I delve into some great pranks, the strategy behind them and how well they play out, I must first discuss the type of person it takes to be a successful and long-tenured prankster and certain guidelines that must be followed. A prankster must first understand that once he or she plays a joke on any friend, they are opening up a can of worms that will never ever be closed again. If you plan on involving yourself in the wonderful world of pranks, the person you are playing the prank on must have an excellent sense of humor and more important than that, you must have an even more accepting sense of humor. Why is that? Because you will receive whatever you pull off twice as bad. People don't forget, and they are going to get you back. This leads me to my final rule. The best prankster knows when to draw the line and keep things funny, yet not downright wrong. Don't mess around with people dying, curing diseases, family members disappearing, the mother of a man's children and pets. Other than that, all is fair in pranks and April Fools' Day. Now, onto the fun part...
The random note on the car : My neighbor pulled this joke on me in college and she did it to perfection. I was walking to class when I noticed a note on my car. I picked it up, having totally forgotten that it was April Fools' Day and it said something along the lines of, "You are a huge jerk, and I want to thank you for ruining my life. I wish I never met you, and I hope you have enough money to pay for this child for the rest of your life, because if not, I am going to make your life a living hell." Yes, at that very moment in time, when I finished reading the last word of that note...I crapped my pants! As a young college kid that couldn't remember what he did the previous night, let alone last week, I thought of every girl I had ever looked at and who the hell this could be. I walked back into the house and my roommates freaked out as well. After I called about five people, my roommates alerted me that it was April Fools' Day and somebody was probably messing with me. Any normal person would have just brushed it off and said, "Oh man, that was a good one." But I was in a state of panic and couldn't understand logical reasoning. I was freaked out for about a week until my neighbor knocked on the door and asked to borrow the vacuum cleaner. When she returned it, she asked, "Did you like the note on your car?" I was so relieved that is was a joke that I couldn't even be mad at her. It was well played and I was greatly impressed as she earned my respect as one of the great pranksters I have ever met. There is no way I could have gone an entrie week without telling someone that I was the one that left that note on the car.
Plastic rap on the toilet : This sounds very elementary, but let me reassure you that some of the most exhilarating things in life are elementary. There is nothing funnier than listening to your roommate curse himself at 11 a.m. because it takes him a good 30 seconds to figure out why he can't land his stream in the toilet. If you pull this off to perfection and have the plastic rap tight enough, your roommate will be watering the walls with his morning fluids, and I don't know about you, but there really isn't anything much funnier than that. The key to this prank is to make sure you don't pull this off in your own apartment or house because you are going to be cleaning the walls and the floors for a good 15 minutes, that is unless you don't mind having your mentally "different" dog clean it up for you...what? He ate everything! My ex-girlfriend actually pulled this off on her roommate and let me warn you, if you are going to try this joke on a girl, you better know her very, very, very well because as you can imagine, nobody wants their own urine on them early in the morning...or ever for that matter. Guys, if you pull this on your girlfriend, she better be the most understanding girl alive or you will be sleeping on the couch for the next month.
Pie in the face : I had a rival kickball team get me really good last year with this one. Now I know what you are thinking. Pie in the face? Not so original right. Well, trust me, there is a hidden agenda when it comes to the pie in the face. The pie that I got hit with was not really a pie, but just a bunch of whip cream in a pan. And when that stuff gets on you, it doesn't come off. I had it everywhere, from in my ears, to in my hair, to on my contacts to the point where I couldn't see because they were actually blury. So now you are thinking, "Whatever, whip cream tastes good; who cares if I have it all over me." Well, you are right, whip cream does taste good, but let me assure you that when you head to the bar after a game...whip cream most certainly doesn't smell good after it has been smeared on you for a few hours. As I walked around the bar, every single person either asked me why I smelled like puke or curdled milk. I didn't even realize it at first, but once it was pointed out...man did I ever smell like the worst thing I have ever smelled in my entire life. I had to throw away everything I was wearing that night. To this day, I think half the people in the bar think that I puked all over myself. So if you ever get a pie to the face loaded with whip cream...TAKE A SHOWER IMMEDIATELY AND WASH YOUR CLOTHES!
I know there are plenty more pranks, but those are the best three that I have either pulled off or had done to me. I would love to get some input and know of any other pranks that I an unaware of so that I can add them to my arsenal.
Happy April Fools' Day!
Posted on: March 4, 2009 8:29 am
Edited on: March 4, 2009 11:48 am
As sports fans, we see athletes going down with leg injuries all the time, especially during football season. We know that this usually means that the athlete for our team will be out for a certain amount of time, or in Tom Brady's case, the entire season. Everyone knows how detrimental this can be to a team, depending on the importance of that player, but what we don't think about is how an injury like this affects athletes throughout every-day life.
Posted on: February 25, 2009 9:10 am
Last week, we took a look at some of the most popular products being sold on TV with the influx of informercials sweeping across all the television sets in America, unfortunately, this is only a blog and not novel, so we are going to take a look at some more products created to sucks the life out of your bank account. Now, don't get me wrong because I'm not saying that buying products on television or off the internet is asinine because we all do it, but just try and be selective while keeping in mind how you are going to explain to your loved one that you just spent three easy payments of $19.95 on something that you will either never use or that has been under your sink for three years already...Oh, but you also received a free piece of junk for calling within the next 20 minutes so you got a bargain.
The Bender Ball : Cleverly named after the woman that created the ball, although I am not really sure if anyone should be taking credit for creating balls, and the action the ball makes when in use. Who would have thought that a ball bends when you sit on it to make those enjoyable crunches even more entertaining? Now, I am not saying that this product doesn't work, because I have never tried it and sitting on a ball is probably more comfortable than the ground, but hasn't this thing been around for years. Back in the day when I was a gym rat, which is about five years ago, the gym had these balls lined up underneath the dumbell racks and in front of the mirrors. They had large balls big enough to sleep on, medium sized balls which I used to do sit-ups on and smaller balls were always calling my name to boot across the gym, but that's besides the point. This is like my last name being Lifter, and me attempting to sell dumbbells under the name weight lifters. I would like to think America is not that dumb...right? Plus, I have about fifteen of these balls in my car which are also known as kickballs. Don't ask.
ShamWow: I'm not sure about the numbers, but this has to be the most popular and most productive item sold on television. And as a matter of fact, my roommate ordered this thing a few weeks ago and we have already used it, but not on something that a paper towel couldn't take care of. Now, I don't have the greatest memory, but I believe my mom was using something of this nature to clean up nasty spills and wonderful puke (The dog's not mine...no seriously) when I was still in high school which is about eight years ago. The cloth looked just like the ShamWow cloth and definitely permformed like a champion so I can't say much in that area. I'm just not sure if she was using something different or she just knew about ShamWow before it became a television icon. I would like to think she was ahead of her time since she always had some product that I had never seen and that fixed every problem that would arise. You gotta love moms! Anyway, this product definitely works, but I guess I'm just old fashioned and would rather throw fifteen paper towels on the carpet, stomp on them a few times, leave it there for about two hours, let the dog lick up the remains and then just throw the paper towels away instead of worrying about cleaning a cloth to use again. And for those of you that get upset when your dog throws up on the carpet, don't remove the animal from the area. Just leave it there for a few minutes and he or she will take care of the problem themselves...just don't watch...trust me people, it works.
Doggy Steps : This damn thing is almost as bad as doggy strollers which is a totally different subject that I don't want to get started on because I'll get all worked up and then I will ruin my day. Anyway, this thing is basically a stepping stool that you place next to your bed or sofa or whatever your animal wants to try and shed on. Now I know we are quickly becoming a lazier society and we could be the slackest countries in the world, but do we really need to corrupt our pets as well? I mean we already push them around in carts, carry them in handbags and dress them in little outfits which I know they are cursing at us for when we tell them how cute they look...trust me, I can talk to animals. Here's an idea, if your dog is having a difficult time getting on the bed, pick that pooch up and put him on there, it's really not that hard people. What is that? What about when you are not home? Well if your dog is too old to get up on the bed on his or her own, they are probably better off not making it up there. I'm sure the nice cold tile or warm carpet will do just fine. Dogs eat food off floor and lick their own asses...they are not very picky animals...unless we make them that way.
Mighty Mend It : Despite the fact that if I see this commercial one more time, I'm going to actually buy the product and mighty mend my ears and eyes shut to ease the pain. Oh but this isn't actually glue, it's a totally different substance that helps anything stick together. Well I don't really care what it's made of but we already have ten different versions of this stuff. Super Glue has been around longer than I can remember with plenty of knock-offs of the product. And we all know that super glue works perfectly and if you don't, just trust me on that one. I have super glued my fingers to just about anything I can get my hands on, albeit I'm not the sharpest sword in the duel, but don't worry...I have never pulled a Jason Biggs in American Pie 2. Now until Mighty Mend It can repair the hole in the o-zone layer or help 'mend' the disastrous economy that is spiraling out of control, I'm just not going to be that impressed.
Strap Perfect : This product claims to enhance cleavage for the lovely ladies and I am definitely not going to bash boosting the wonderful bust line, but this product just seems a bit too simple. All it does is pull the bra straps together to squeeze the bra together more. Does it work? I have no idea and I'm not really doubting whether or not it does but is someone really selling a pack of three of these things for $9.95. Yes, it's not a lot of money, but the damn things look like more aesthetically pleasing paper clips. I mean bra straps are not the toughest things to hold together...not that I would know, but I have heard. With all the different clips and straps girls have for their hair, they have no reason to buy this product. They just need to steal the idea and be creative. C'mon ladies, I know you are all smater than this. And if you ever need anyones opinion on whether or not a product is improving your cleavage, I will be more than willing to assist you in any way you need. I'm a nice guy and I enjoy helping out all my readers.
Posted on: February 18, 2009 10:29 am
Edited on: February 18, 2009 1:04 pm
I'm not sure if I have a newfound disdain for not only informercials, the products being sold and the people buying them or if there really is a surplus of these annoying interruptions during my precious television time. From what I can remember, infomercials used to be on television around 2 a.m., nobody ever watched them as the very sight would render an instant change of the channel and nobody ever actually purchased any of the products, at least nodody I know. But now, it's as if the only commercials on television are infomercials selling what I thought was useless and money wasting products; however, I seem to be mistaken because even this crappy economy, people actually purchase these things. I don't know if it's the "If you call right now we will throw in this useless piece of crap for free" pitch or people are just hoping the commercials will go away if they give in, but I am here to tell you to save your money and why you have no business even considereing purchasing items a five-year-old could produce. Let's take a look at some of the popular products that people seem to be purchasing at an alarming rate!
Posted on: February 11, 2009 11:05 am
After watching the Pro Bowl this weekend, I came to the realization that the game desperately needs some changes. OK, so I didn't really watch the game, but neither did you, and I doubt you know anyone that did. And if someone was watching the game, I am more confident than Jack Bauer in a life threatening situation that they were not paying attention and have no idea what the final score was. It is apparent that the NFL realizes the Pro Bowl needs an energy boost as the game was moved to the weekend before the Super Bowl, which I think will slightly help ratings, but this just isn't nearly enough.