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Posted on: July 15, 2009 11:30 am

Rock N' Jock HR Derby

After watching the home run derby last night, I came to the realization that Josh Hamilton has ruined all home run derby's from here on out. His 23 homeruns in the first round of the 2008 Home Run Derby, makes every other performance seem down right mundane and not worthy of my time. Last night, Prince Fielder and Nelson Cruz each hit 11 homeruns in the first round which is usually a big deal, but it no longer is.

As a matter of fact, I bet the majority of baseball fans can't name the winner of last year's home run derby, but they can tell you that Josh Hamilton broke the record for homeruns in any round of a homerun derby. And not only that, but I guarantee you most people will tell you that Mr. Hamilton was the actual winner of the home run derby.

Before 2008, I would have applauded Prince Fielder and Nelson Cruz for putting on a show for the fans at Busch Stadium and raved about how 2009 gave us one of the best derby's of all time, but all I can think about is how each of them hit less homeruns in all three rounds combined than Hamilton hit in the first round.

Since their is nothing that can really be done on behalf of the players and we will not see another performance like that again until the All-Star game is held in a wind tunnel, also known as the new Yankee Stadium, I have devised a plan to make the homerun derby entertaining once again...

Rock N' Jock Home Run Derby. That's right, you remember the Rock 'N Jock Softball games that used to be held on MTV with athletes, former athletes and celeberities. Well, I am stealing a few ideas from them for the purpose of saving the Home Run Derby.

Rock N' Jock used to have a variety of fake farm animals in the outfield, (real farm animals would be more entertaining but we don't want any wilbers or betsys getting hurt, plus PITA would have a field day with MLB) and if one of the players hit one of the standing replica animals in the outfield, they would receive extra bases depending on the animal. Well I say we place about three or four replica farm animals of varying sizes in the stands. A barn being hit would be worth an extra home run, a cow being hit would be worth two, a pig being hit would be worth three, a chicken being hit would be worth four. Don't tell me you wouldn't want to hear Chris Berman scream, "Albert just got into one...Oh man it's a moon shot...could it, could it...Oh my, he just hit a pig, he hit a pig...Albert Pujols has just won the homerun derby after hitting a big on his last swing!" Now that is entertainment at it's finest.

Also, there would have to be about ten sections that were partioned off for beautiful young ladies laying out on a lounge chair with a pina colada in one hand and a glove in the other hand. If one of the participants could hit one of these young ladies a ball and she was able to catch the home run, he would receive an additional five home runs for that round. I know this sounds a big difficult, but just picture the scene from Sandlot when Benny the Jet Rodriguez tells Smalls to stick out his glove and just squeeze. I know it sounds pretty difficult, but that's why they would receive five extra homeruns for such a feat, plus don't tell me Red Sox fans wouldn't like to see a beautiful blonde at the top of the Green Monster wearing a Red Sox hat and a red bikini, tracking balls like Torii Hunter. I know some of you are getting excited just from reading about the thought of this happening.

And of course, last but most certainly not least, we would have to introduce the money ball. The gold ball which comes last and gives money to charity is great and all, but it's not entertaining. The money ball would be, of course, green...maybe neon green to make it easier to see, but a participant would get the money ball thrown to him when he has nine outs. The money ball would be worth five home runs. However, they would only get one swing at the money ball. If they hit a home run, they are done and if they don't they are still done. This would add some pressure to the last swing, in turn, addding some much needed drama to the end of each player's at bat no matter what round they are in.

I know all of this sounds a bit off the all and almost excessively foolish, but don't tell me you wouldnt watch it, or at least take the time to TIVO such an event.

Posted on: July 14, 2009 12:46 pm

Another stud pitcher in pin stripes?

Did anyone else pick up on the subliminal message sent out by Roy Halladay when asked about his interest in a trade? His response was, "I'd rather hit (in the national league) than have to face (Derek) Jeter, A-Rod (Alex Rodriguez ), (Hideki) Matsui, (Mark) Teixeira and those guys."

Let me translate that for you. "I would love to play for the Yankees where I would surely lead them to a World Series Championship, and my numbers would be even better since I wouldn't have to face the juggernauts in the Yankees lineup."

I don't know about you, but that seems pretty clear to me. He stated that hitting isn't really something that he was good at as he offered it as an unwarranted alternative to facing a ridiculous lineup, and the only way to ensure that he doesn't have to pitch against those guys is to play on the same team as them. Everyone knows the old adage, "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em." Well Roy Halladay seems to be very familiar with that saying.

I know the Yankees spent more money than the equivalent of our National debt on two pitchers in the offseason, but they will stop at nothing to win another championship and Halladay would turn the possibility of a 27th ring into a certainty.
Posted on: July 7, 2009 1:21 pm

Reds exposed

I have always wondered how the Cincinnati Reds received their name and after last night, it's quite clear because the Philadelphia Phillies gave them a good ol' fashion butt whoopin'. The Phillies tied a club record for most runs in the first inning while the 22 runs allowed by the Reds was the most this season for the team. As a matter of fact, the previous worst defeat for the Reds, baseball's first professional franchise, was 26-6 on July 26, 1892 which was also against the Phillies. All of this makes perfect sense as Cincinnati named its team after the bright shade of red left on one's skin after receiving a painful spanking. There is even visual proof that back up such a claim.

Posted on: July 1, 2009 2:50 pm

Packed Stadium

With construction finally under way for the Marlins new ballpark, the team has also announced that it will change the capacity from 37,000 to 100. The change is part of an aggressive attempt by upper management to sell out more games and make the stadium look full when fans are watching the game on television. Here is what the ballpark should look like once it is completed.

Category: MLB
Posted on: June 28, 2009 6:59 pm

Bad News Bears

Despite the victory today, MLB is thinking of forcing Washington to change its team name to Bad News Bears. Even though they are not in danger of finishing the season with the worst record in in MLB history, which belongs to the Cleveland Spiders in 1899 (20-134), they are in danger of being known as one of the worst teams in baseball history. The two worst records in the past 50 years belong to the 1962 New York Mets (40-120) and the 2003 Detroit Tigers (43-119). Also intriguing is that the 1904 Washington Senators (38-113) and the 1909 Washington Senators (42-110) are extremely high on the list of the worst records ever. And suprisingly enough, the franchise with the most terrible seasons is the combination of the Philadelphia Athletics and Phillies, who take up nine spots on a list of 23.

Posted on: June 24, 2009 10:31 am
Edited on: June 24, 2009 10:34 am

The Real Athletes

A while back, a certain sports network had the discussion of who the greatest current athlete is. Names like LeBron James, Michael Phelps, Lance Armstrong and Terrell Owens were thrown around, and I can't quite remember who won, but in my opinion, none of them should have ever even been named. Now don't get me wrong, these are some of the greatest athletes of all time as they have dominated or will continue to dominate their sport for years, but these guys still aren't the best athletes in sports. The true athletes are the guys that are fat and out of shape, but still find a way to perform at a high level. It's easy to dominate when you work out and stay in perfect shape, but think about how hard it is to stay a professional athlete when your diet consists of cutting from a 12-pack down to a six back every day, and your idea of a work out is spending $1,000 on a lap dance from more than one girl.

So I thought, what better way to honor the best current athletes in sports than with a list of the Top 5. I thought about explaining what criteria needed to be met in order to categorize the athlete as overweight, but once I looked over my list, I felt as though it was pretty damn obvious. Hopefully this list will encourage fat kids around the world to put down the cake and pick up a baseball bat or put on a football helmet. As far as I am concerned, all these superstars shouldn't have the highest selling jerseys in sports and the kids should be looking up to...

5. Sebastian Janikowski : If you can remember back to when Sebastian was playing for the Florida State Seminoles, he portrayed the ultimate loud mouthed party boy that didn't know the meaning of the word practice. Sebastian was simply told when he was supposed to go on the field, but when he did, he sure made the best of it, kicking ridiculously long field goals that a man with a beer belly simply shouldn't be capable of making. The Raiders actually used their first round pick to select Janikowski with the 17th overall selection in 2000. The argument of how terrible of a selection that was by Al Davis is meant for another time, but Janikowski will probably be able to say he is the best kicker selected in the first round of any draft...forever.

4. John Daly : This beloved golfer is the ultimate man's man and has become somewhat of an iconic superstar because of his antics. He has been arrested who knows how many times for public intoxication, uses beer cans to tee off with, and has been wearing what equates to clown outfits recently...that is when he actually has his shirt on. He can hit the golf ball a ton, sober or drunk and if you google his name, there will probably be a picture of him flashing the camera along with the girls posing with him. He also won Rookie of the Year in 1991 while his biggest accomplishment came in 1995 when he won the British Open. Whether or not his image is good for golf, America's love for Mr. Daly can't go unnoticed as we love to watch talented people miserably fail and then attempt to get back on the horse...over and over again.

3. C.C. Sabathia: Mr Sabathia is now the richest man on this list after signing a seven-year, $161 million contract with the Yankees. After pitching most of his career with the Indians and helping the Brewers make the playoffs last season, C.C. is still searching for a World Series championship. Even though that prize has eluded him, he is still considered one of the best pitchers in baseball as many of you were probably hoping to select him in your fantasy draft. While the new Yankee tends to get better as the season moves along, he has known to be terrible at the beginning of the season. Nobody is really sure why, but it might have something to do with C.C. confusing the doughnut on the on-deck circles for Krispy Kreme year in and year out.

2. Prince Fielder: Like his hefty, homerun-hitting, first-baseman father, Prince took the baseball world by storm his rookie year and has never looked back. Not to mention that when your dad names you Prince, you either have to follow in his footsteps, become a drag queen, or settle for singing covers of "Purple Rain" at hole-in-the-wall bars. He has yet to measure up to his father in terms of longevity in the field, but he seems to be even more talented and surprisingly more swift of foot despite being larger than his papa. Unfortunately for Prince, he is playing for the Brewers, a franchise that has zero World Series championships to its name. However, this gives him the chance to cement his name in history as the superstar that helped propel Milwaukee to its first ever ring, but playing for a town known for its ability to brew beer, can't help when it comes to getting into baseball shape before the season begins. Not that I'm really sure what baseball shape means when half the players look to be out of shape anyway.

1. Any Offensive Lineman : Pick one. Any one of them. It doesn't matter. These guys are the most under appreciated athletes in all of sports. Actually I bet 90 percent of sports fans can't name the entire starting offensive line on their favorite NFL or college team. Imagine being overweight at 380 pounds and having a faster more agile man running straight at you every play for 60 minutes of the most grueling sport in the world. If you stop the guy, nobody notices, but if you don't, it's your fault when the team's season is ruined because the star quarterback is out for the year. But don't feel to bad for them as they are well paid. Joe Thomas makes 8.6 million dollars a year to block for the Browns...and they suck! My favorite part about offensive lineman is that for some reason, they always end up marrying a 5 foot 95 pound woman. I would like to know how that works in...well you know.

Honorary fat guys who paved the way for the star athletes of today in no particular order
-Charles Barkley
-Babe Ruth
-Cecil Fielder
-Charles Barkley
-John Kruk
-Oliver Miller
-George Foreman
-Refrigerator Perry
-Shaquille O'Neal

Posted on: June 19, 2009 4:33 pm

The New Windy City

Since steroids are actually illegal now in baseball, the Yankees have built a new stadium to apparently help increase the amount of homeruns that fly out of their ballpark. We have all heard about the ridiculous rate at which homeruns are flying out of Yankee Stadium, yet there has never really been a reason explained as to why this is happening. I also don't believe the Yankees spent that much money on a stadium without knowing what kind of wind patterns would be inside the stadium. Why would they care about an increased amount of homeruns you ask? Well, yes I understand that it does not give them an advantage as it helps both teams in the same way, but the Yankees have this player named Alex Rordiguez who is expected to break the homerun record by the end of his career which I'm sure is a record New York would like to have returned to Yankee Stadium, which Babe Ruth held for quite some time. And yes, I am accusing the Yankees of knowingly building a stadium where they knew a massive amount of homeruns would leave the ballpark. However, I am not saying that there is anything wrong with this idea as it's actually a pretty smart business move. So when Alex Rodriguez goes into the Hall of Fame, he will need a steroid asterisk and a wind-assisted asteriskon his plaque. And if you are interested, take a look at the graphic below for a detailed visual explanation of why the ball is flying out of Yankee Stadium at a record pace.

Category: MLB
Posted on: June 10, 2009 1:18 pm
Edited on: June 10, 2009 1:27 pm

Night Out on the Frown

From the end of high school, through college and the years thereafter, I have been to my share of bars and clubs and would like to think I have a pretty good grasp of what is and isn't appropriate to wear, keeping in mind the type of bar or club, the occasion and the location of the establishment. So when I visited Off the Hookah, a bar and lounge in Downtown Fort Lauderdale, FL, last weekend and was told I had to remove my hat to enter, I was none to pleased to say the least.

Also, I feel that it is important to note that I am a very reasonable person who rarely ever gets upset over anything and always attempts to look at any situation from the other party's point of view before forming an opinion or...writing a blog about what I find to be...well for the use of a better term...not logical in the mind of a socially succesful human being. But the more I thought about it, the less it made sense and the more everything about the lounge started to agitate me.

The first thing "Off the Hookah" did wrong was violate the unwritten rule of rewarding positive guy to girl ratio. What am I talking about? Well I showed up to the front of the lounge with two beautiful women. Once again, no, I am not that smooth as one was my girlfriend and the other was her roommate, but the bouncers don't know that. But instead of rewarding my generous gift to the bar for the night, they had to anger the person buying the first round of drinks...ummm, ya, that's me.

Anyway, I abided by their rules because...well, the security guard was much larger than me, I didn't feel like walking home and "The Dude abides." Sorry, I had to say it, I love that movie. And yes, I know there are plenty of places that have this rule in place to create a sense of class at their establishment, especially clubs, which I would never wear a hat to. But there are two things that bothered me about "Off the Hookah" making me remove my hat. First, you are a freaking hookah bar/lounge! People come to your place to relax, smoke flavored tobacco and...well, lounge. If you want to be an upscale establishment, open a club on South Beach, not a bar in downtown Fort Lauderdale where most bars will let you walk in after you finished running at the gym. And second, why do people wear hats when they go out? Well, either for a fashionable reason because it matches their outfit, or their hair looks like crap and they don't really have time to deal with it. And in my case, both of those boxes were checked off.

So in this establishment where you are attempting to creat a sense of class by forcing all your customers to abide by a certain dress code so that whey will look appealing, you A) made me remove a hat which was being worn in an artistically appealing manor which enhanced the outfit I was wearing, in turn diminishing my aesthetically appealing value and B) made me remove a hat which was concealing the thin-haired, porcupine-resembling mop in desperate need of a haircut which was covering my head, in turn converting me from a stylish laid back guy to what resembled an out of place patron whose hair looked like a bully just bombarded it with noogies. But hey, at least I didn't have a hat on. I would also be leaving out pertinent information if I failed to mention that the hat I was wearing was a throwback Milwaukee Brewers hat. I mean c'mon! Who doesn't love a throwback brewers hat!?!? Everyone knows that the picture of a yellow glove witha ball in the middle is a staple of American culture bred by everything that was once great in a young boys life. Not to mention, where do you think all that beer you guys are serving comes from?

Once I stopped dwelling on my precious hat sitting helplessly in "Off the Hookah's" "hat designated" cubby hole, probably with other hats that were not worthy of being brushed against by my hat, I noticed another thing that, to quote Peter Griffin, "grinds my gears." I was unable to get the attention of the bartender who should have been handing me a beer because he was to busy attempting to flip a plastic "practice" liquor bottle off his elbow and catch it behing his back. HELLO!!!! I don't care if you can make the bottle speak to me, unless it's from something you are serving me; I just want a damn beer! Which got me thinking about every single bar who has their bartenders attempting to accumulate more flair tricks than the actual amount of drinks they know how to prepare. I come to the bar to converse with friends, bartenders and drink (that is ofcourse if I am not the designated driver that night). And if I am having a good time, I am going to tip extremely well. So when you are busy picking up plastic bottles that keep bouncing off the hands that should be opening my beer, it's not going to make me very happy. So if you are a bar tender hoping to make more money, pay attention to your customers, learn what they like to drink and stop worrying about looking cool for some girl who isn't going to sleep with you anyway.

And once I finally got my $5 beer, I noticed the bar was starting to get a bit smokey. Fair enough I thought. I voluntarily came to a hookah bar expecting there to be smoke around me, so I wasn't yet perplexed, that is until I realized that the bar had a machine creating enough smoke to fill the entire establishment. Yes, they didn't think the bar was smokey enough from everyone smoking a hookah, so they had to make it look as though it was smokier than in really was. That's CLASSY! Looks like you guys are a real UPSCALE establishment. It's a good thing I didn't have my hat on, someone may have been offended to be hanging out with a hatted hoodlum while enjoying the smoke they were breathing in. Now I get it! Next time I will make sure I dress more appropriately in case someone finds a way to see through all the fake smoke and leave for a nicer establishment because they were offended by my hat which only honors the beverages that are making you money and an American pastime which layed the foundation for the athletic growth of our generation. OK, that last sentence may have been a bit overdramatic, but at least I am writing this blog with the freedom of being allowed to wear my throwback Milwaukee Brewers hat...backward!

Category: MLB
The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or