Posted on: June 29, 2009 1:04 pm


With the Timberwolves' 5th selection in the 2009 NBA Draft, Ricky Rubio, not making an appearance at the Timberwolves' post-draft press conference, it is apparent that this will be an ongoing issue. Along with the statements that Ricky is receiving offers from teams in Spain and Turkey, there are reports that he is considering playing in Disneyland and Candyland as well. Both majestic franchises have made formidable offers and are offering Rubio the opportunity to share the limelight with household names. Imagine Ricky getting the chance to play with Mickey Mouse where he can show off his dribbling skills for little children or where kids can enjoy a Ricky Rubio game piece along the likes of Mr. Mint and Lord Licorice. There is even talk that if he signs a long term contract, that they would change the name of Candyland to Rickyland (Just imagine the nickname he would have if he decided to leave Candyland for the NBA).  As enticing as this all sounds, Ricky's father is making it well known that Ricky is too good for any team, and will remain playing in the family backyard where his legend can continue to grow.

Posted on: June 28, 2009 6:59 pm

Bad News Bears

Despite the victory today, MLB is thinking of forcing Washington to change its team name to Bad News Bears. Even though they are not in danger of finishing the season with the worst record in in MLB history, which belongs to the Cleveland Spiders in 1899 (20-134), they are in danger of being known as one of the worst teams in baseball history. The two worst records in the past 50 years belong to the 1962 New York Mets (40-120) and the 2003 Detroit Tigers (43-119). Also intriguing is that the 1904 Washington Senators (38-113) and the 1909 Washington Senators (42-110) are extremely high on the list of the worst records ever. And suprisingly enough, the franchise with the most terrible seasons is the combination of the Philadelphia Athletics and Phillies, who take up nine spots on a list of 23.

Posted on: June 27, 2009 12:17 pm

Another Moneyball Meaning

Did anyone else find it odd that the Knicks simply purchased the 29th overall pick in the 2009 NBA draft on Thursday from the Lakers for $3M? I mean, I can't really blame the Lakers since they just won a championship and don't really need more players, so why not take the extra $3M. And I guess it's not really the Knicks fault since they are allowed to do it and desperately need help in adding as much talent as they can. However, there is just something that bothers me about being able to buy a draft pick from someone. It just gives me a feel of dishonesty for some reason, but maybe I'm just being ol' fashion. Either way, if this is going to continue to be a trend, maybe the NBA Championship Trophy should look more like this...

Category: NBA
Tags: Knicks, Lakers
Posted on: June 25, 2009 4:59 pm

Renamed for Success

I don't know if anyone else has noticed, but since the last blog I wrote urging the U.S. team to add wild animals to their team to make the competition fair, they have been on fire. Basically I talk about how much the U.S. Soccer team sucks and they go ahead make me look bad. They are playing better than they are supposed to be and quite frankly I still have no idea how they did beat Spain. This leads me to only one conclusion. They are frequent readers of No Joy in Mudville and they didn't take a liking to me calling them out. With that being said, I am going to critique the team once again as it prepares for the FIFA Confederations Cup Finals against Brazil. As we all know, Brazil is a powerhouse soccer club which breads its players from the time of birth, but that is not the real reason for their success. It's all about their superstar names which are similar to American icons like Cher, Madonna, Prince and Shaq. With names like Ronaldinho, Kaka, Ronaldo, Rivaldo, Robinho and of course Pele, how can they not be good.

With all this in mind, I have taken the liberty of renaming the players on the U.S. team to make them more fierce and talented:

Tim Howard - Gloves
Jonathan Bornstein - Bornie
Carlos Bocanegra - Boca
Conor Casey - Yesac
Oguchi Onyewu - Guchi
Heath Pearce - H.P.
DaMarcus Beasley - Beaser
Clint Dempsey - Demp
Charlie Davies - Char
Landon Donovan - Dondon
Marvell Wynne - Wynnie
Michael Bradley - MLey
Ricardo Clark - Card
Danny Califf - Leaf
Jay DeMerit - Jayde
Sacha Kljestan - Stan
Jozy Altidore - Alty
Brad Guzan - Gooze
Freddy Adu -Fred Fred
Francisco Torres - Cisco
Jonathan Spector - Specs
Benny Feilhaber - Habs
Luis Robles - Rubes

If we somehow find a way to defeat Brazil, I think I should be hired as the inspiration blogger for the United States.
Category: Soccer
Posted on: June 24, 2009 10:31 am
Edited on: June 24, 2009 10:34 am

The Real Athletes

A while back, a certain sports network had the discussion of who the greatest current athlete is. Names like LeBron James, Michael Phelps, Lance Armstrong and Terrell Owens were thrown around, and I can't quite remember who won, but in my opinion, none of them should have ever even been named. Now don't get me wrong, these are some of the greatest athletes of all time as they have dominated or will continue to dominate their sport for years, but these guys still aren't the best athletes in sports. The true athletes are the guys that are fat and out of shape, but still find a way to perform at a high level. It's easy to dominate when you work out and stay in perfect shape, but think about how hard it is to stay a professional athlete when your diet consists of cutting from a 12-pack down to a six back every day, and your idea of a work out is spending $1,000 on a lap dance from more than one girl.

So I thought, what better way to honor the best current athletes in sports than with a list of the Top 5. I thought about explaining what criteria needed to be met in order to categorize the athlete as overweight, but once I looked over my list, I felt as though it was pretty damn obvious. Hopefully this list will encourage fat kids around the world to put down the cake and pick up a baseball bat or put on a football helmet. As far as I am concerned, all these superstars shouldn't have the highest selling jerseys in sports and the kids should be looking up to...

5. Sebastian Janikowski : If you can remember back to when Sebastian was playing for the Florida State Seminoles, he portrayed the ultimate loud mouthed party boy that didn't know the meaning of the word practice. Sebastian was simply told when he was supposed to go on the field, but when he did, he sure made the best of it, kicking ridiculously long field goals that a man with a beer belly simply shouldn't be capable of making. The Raiders actually used their first round pick to select Janikowski with the 17th overall selection in 2000. The argument of how terrible of a selection that was by Al Davis is meant for another time, but Janikowski will probably be able to say he is the best kicker selected in the first round of any draft...forever.

4. John Daly : This beloved golfer is the ultimate man's man and has become somewhat of an iconic superstar because of his antics. He has been arrested who knows how many times for public intoxication, uses beer cans to tee off with, and has been wearing what equates to clown outfits recently...that is when he actually has his shirt on. He can hit the golf ball a ton, sober or drunk and if you google his name, there will probably be a picture of him flashing the camera along with the girls posing with him. He also won Rookie of the Year in 1991 while his biggest accomplishment came in 1995 when he won the British Open. Whether or not his image is good for golf, America's love for Mr. Daly can't go unnoticed as we love to watch talented people miserably fail and then attempt to get back on the horse...over and over again.

3. C.C. Sabathia: Mr Sabathia is now the richest man on this list after signing a seven-year, $161 million contract with the Yankees. After pitching most of his career with the Indians and helping the Brewers make the playoffs last season, C.C. is still searching for a World Series championship. Even though that prize has eluded him, he is still considered one of the best pitchers in baseball as many of you were probably hoping to select him in your fantasy draft. While the new Yankee tends to get better as the season moves along, he has known to be terrible at the beginning of the season. Nobody is really sure why, but it might have something to do with C.C. confusing the doughnut on the on-deck circles for Krispy Kreme year in and year out.

2. Prince Fielder: Like his hefty, homerun-hitting, first-baseman father, Prince took the baseball world by storm his rookie year and has never looked back. Not to mention that when your dad names you Prince, you either have to follow in his footsteps, become a drag queen, or settle for singing covers of "Purple Rain" at hole-in-the-wall bars. He has yet to measure up to his father in terms of longevity in the field, but he seems to be even more talented and surprisingly more swift of foot despite being larger than his papa. Unfortunately for Prince, he is playing for the Brewers, a franchise that has zero World Series championships to its name. However, this gives him the chance to cement his name in history as the superstar that helped propel Milwaukee to its first ever ring, but playing for a town known for its ability to brew beer, can't help when it comes to getting into baseball shape before the season begins. Not that I'm really sure what baseball shape means when half the players look to be out of shape anyway.

1. Any Offensive Lineman : Pick one. Any one of them. It doesn't matter. These guys are the most under appreciated athletes in all of sports. Actually I bet 90 percent of sports fans can't name the entire starting offensive line on their favorite NFL or college team. Imagine being overweight at 380 pounds and having a faster more agile man running straight at you every play for 60 minutes of the most grueling sport in the world. If you stop the guy, nobody notices, but if you don't, it's your fault when the team's season is ruined because the star quarterback is out for the year. But don't feel to bad for them as they are well paid. Joe Thomas makes 8.6 million dollars a year to block for the Browns...and they suck! My favorite part about offensive lineman is that for some reason, they always end up marrying a 5 foot 95 pound woman. I would like to know how that works in...well you know.

Honorary fat guys who paved the way for the star athletes of today in no particular order
-Charles Barkley
-Babe Ruth
-Cecil Fielder
-Charles Barkley
-John Kruk
-Oliver Miller
-George Foreman
-Refrigerator Perry
-Shaquille O'Neal

Posted on: June 23, 2009 2:13 pm

Plax in Kevlar

With the Jets' interest in estranged wide receiver Plaxico Burress growing, team management is considering adding a clause in his contract which will force him to wear bullet proof sliding pants while on the field and bullet proof pants when attending any events off the field. As you can see with his hat-angle selection, his sense of style may be a bit limited with this news, but the Jets feel it is necessary to keep their possible star receiver safe from injury. The pockets on the pants are about the spot where the receiver shot himself, which works out perfectly as extra kevlar padding can be added to prevent this incident from happening again. The bullet proff sliding pants seem to be a bit excessive, but hey, we all saw what happened in "The Last Boyscout."

Category: NFL
Posted on: June 22, 2009 12:40 pm
Edited on: June 22, 2009 1:04 pm

Night Vision Golf

As I watch the U.S. Open on a Monday, it just doesn't seem to have the same feel. To me, there is just something special about winning a major on Sunday. Not that the winner of this year's U.S. Open will care what day it falls on, but as a fan I would liked to have seen them finish this tournament yesterday. Obviously, thanks to rain and darkness, that just wasn't possible, so I was thinking, why not play at night? There are already golf courses with lights on them and there are also companies that you can hire to bring lights out to a field. There are also balls that glow in the dark, which sounds like a lot of fun, but all of this is not what I had in mind. I am talking about golf with night vision goggles on. Now that is entertainment! Television producers could even provide fans of a night vision view of the golf course. Granted this may not be the most ideal situation for the golfer, nor may it be the greatest idea, but it sure would be entertaining. How funny would it be to watch Phil Mickelson and Tiger Woods playing down to the wire wearing night-vision googles?

I have actually played night golf before when I was much younger and it was only a par three course but it was a lot of fun. It a feel of a more importants sporting event, probably because I played baseball all my life and was used to important games being played at night time. Obviously, it would be much more difficult playing at Beth Page Black at night than a par-three course, but it would definitely be something new and I bet more people would watch it than any other golf tournament in the history of the game. A major championship played at night. Can you imagine that? And if you are not a fan of lights being on a golf course, you could always opt for the glow-in-the-dark ball.

And look at these goggles. Yes they look heavy and uncomfortable, but not only would the players be able to see, but they would look like special armed forces on a secret mission to dominate every hole on the golf courese. As a matter of fact, if the PGA doesn't like my idea I think I am going to start my own golf league. OK, so it would probably only include me and about three of my drunk buddies that would do anything than involves night vision goggles and the chance to hit a golf ball at night. Either way, we would probably be able to break a few windows and get away with it. And also, as I was searching for what a golf course would look like while looking throught night googles, I found this picture which was labeled as an infrared golf course. I'm not quite sure if that is accurate, but it looks pretty damn cool and I would love to play on a course that looked like that no matter what kind of head gear I had to wear. This may be a dumb idea, but at least I have something to do this weekend.

Category: Golf
Posted on: June 20, 2009 3:54 pm
Edited on: June 20, 2009 4:02 pm

Crazy or Manly?

That's a good question and I'm not quite sure I have the answer. So what is the best thing to do when you don't have an answer? Make up a word. That means they cranly. All of them. What am I talking about? Australian Rules Football players and rugby players. While at an Irish bar last night, McSorley's on the fort lauderdale beach to be exact, I happened to have the opportunity to watch Australia play Italy in the Australian Football League, which is very similar to rugby. I have watched this sport before, so when I saw them wearing helmets that were fit for a child when it first starts walking, I wasn't shocked, but I still had to shake my head and mumble a few curse words to myself which involved the word crazy, followed by an noun and a verb. I also found the scrums to be pretty intriguing, which is pretty much the equivalent of what happens on the line of scrimmage after the ball is slapped, except in this sport, they don't have any real helmets or pads on. Like I said, "crazy adjectiver verbers!!!!"

But the most intriguing thing about what I noticed is that a) I only say one guy get injured and b) when the guy did get injured, the game didn't stop and nobody even flinched. The guy layed there for about thirty seconds before any trainers came onto the field, and when they did reach the injured player, play continued. The guy was just laying there with about four trainers around him and people were running past them It was as if the guy didn't exist. Can you imagine if during the Super Bowl, Santonio Holmes wen't down with a leg injury and along with the trainers, another receiver was just sent on the field and play resumed. That sounds archaic right, well apparently not. So this is why I asked myself, are Australians just crazy or are they manlier than wimpy Americans. After a long discussion with myself, yes I talk to myself and don't act like you don't, I came to the realization that I don't really want to go on record as refering to Ray Lewis as a wimp. With that in mind, I can't really say Australians are manlier than Americans, but I know so many people that are out of their minds that Australians can't possibly be crazier than Americans. So with all this information, I am now just going to refer to Australians as cranly. Or maybe I'm just a wimpy American in denial...

This is an American "so called scrum." Notice the nice pretty helmets and padding. Below the red line is an Australian Rules scrum. Notice the lack of helmets....actually forget that, notice the lack of visual heads. What is going on down there!?!? Now take a glance to the right and look at the difference betweent the helmets. The American football helmet on the left has thick padding surrounded by a hard shell with a facemask, while the Australian rules helmet has thin padding surrounded by...cranliness!

Category: NFL
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