Posted on: June 19, 2009 4:33 pm

The New Windy City

Since steroids are actually illegal now in baseball, the Yankees have built a new stadium to apparently help increase the amount of homeruns that fly out of their ballpark. We have all heard about the ridiculous rate at which homeruns are flying out of Yankee Stadium, yet there has never really been a reason explained as to why this is happening. I also don't believe the Yankees spent that much money on a stadium without knowing what kind of wind patterns would be inside the stadium. Why would they care about an increased amount of homeruns you ask? Well, yes I understand that it does not give them an advantage as it helps both teams in the same way, but the Yankees have this player named Alex Rordiguez who is expected to break the homerun record by the end of his career which I'm sure is a record New York would like to have returned to Yankee Stadium, which Babe Ruth held for quite some time. And yes, I am accusing the Yankees of knowingly building a stadium where they knew a massive amount of homeruns would leave the ballpark. However, I am not saying that there is anything wrong with this idea as it's actually a pretty smart business move. So when Alex Rodriguez goes into the Hall of Fame, he will need a steroid asterisk and a wind-assisted asteriskon his plaque. And if you are interested, take a look at the graphic below for a detailed visual explanation of why the ball is flying out of Yankee Stadium at a record pace.

Category: MLB
Posted on: June 18, 2009 4:59 pm

U.S. Soccer Team Adds a Wild Group

After the U.S. soccer team was embarrassed by Italy last week and Brazil today , FIFA released a statement allowing the U.S. team to add wild animals to its roster. After the statement was released, the Wildlife Foundation recommended the top athletes from around the World willing to play for the team. Barring any setbacks as the animals still must be granted citizenship and receive all their shots, five wild animals will be joining the team for defensive purposes. Jack Hanna has also been added to the staff as a personal trainer for the new additions as they have worked with him in the past. Now, without further ado, take a second to meet the newest memebers of the U.S. soccer team.

Grumpy the Elephant will find himself in goal and should add an unmeasurable height advantage over the rest of the goalies in the league. His strengths include knocking out players with his trunk, spearing players with his tusks, easily popping balls and unbearable gas. Grumpy is also twice the height of the goal when standing on two feet and as tall as the goal when standing on all fours. Last year in a match against the Southern Hemisphere, Grumpy surrounded his goal with piles of poop, creating in impenetrable forcefield of stench which only monkeys were able to stand. The game was actually cancelled when the monkeys started flinging the piles of poo at the fans of the opposing team. When asked to comment on how he feels about joining the team, he pooped himself, but his excitement could easily be seen.

Fussy and Fairy (I'm sure you can figure out which one is Fairy) will be the two new defenders. Fairy likes to slap at defenders with his cat like quickness. And yes, it's not legal to slap defenders, but would you hand Fairy a red card if you were a referee? I didn't think so. Fussy has quite a temper on him and will be difficult to keep under control, but his strength is his footwork as he is very quick to the ball while most attackers don't challenge him once he commits to a ball. When asked why he hasn't ever allowed a forward to pass him, Fussy seemed somewhat uninterested as he intently licked his baby maker. Fairy was unresponsive when asked to answer any questions as he was disturbingly staring at Fussy with a pool of drool underneath him on the tile floor.

Scrappy the sealion is one of the most underrated and youngest players in the game as he uses this to his advantage. Slappy is used as a stopper and his strength is his cuteness. He mostly stands in the way and just looks absolutely adorable as he always has a knack for being around the ball. Most defenders are scared to attack any balls that go near Slappy for fear of accidentally kicking such a defenseless animal. Slappy has been kicked before, but only once...mainly because Fussy ate the culprit minutes after the incident. After being asked to describe how he stays so cute in the offseason, Slappy burped into the microphone and started slapping his fins together. Nobody was quite sure what that meant, but I could have sworn I heard him saying....Hercules, Hercules, Hercules!!!! We have no idea how that has any bearing on the question, but I know that I wouldn't approach a sealion that was slapping his fins together and belching Hercules.

Hungry the Hippo (Yes I know, he is still involved in a court case with Milton Bradley--not the baseball player--over monetary rights to the game we all played as a child) is a very versatile player despite his lack of speed. He will be used as a sweeper but can also play goalie if need be. Hungry can actually swallow two soccer balls at one time without even popping them. His strength is...well just that...brut strength. He uses his large frame to make up for his lack of speed. An intersting fact about hippos is that their sweat turns red when they are angry and the large red USA marking spray painted on his skin could more than likely prevent most players from crossing midfield. Thanks to Hungry, the U.S. team will have to pay for every ball that he destroys throughout the game. His last game played resulted in 25 different balls being the first half. The game never actually reached the second half because the opposing team had to many injured players to continue playing. When asked about his violent play, Hungry ate the reporter.

Now, I know this may not solve our offensive problems, but nobody is going to score on us, so the worst we can do is a tie. Hey, it's a start as the offensive additions are still being looked at. And if anything, at least U.S. soccer games will actually be exciting to watch again.
Category: Soccer
Tags: Brazil, USA
Posted on: June 17, 2009 6:41 pm
Edited on: June 22, 2009 4:58 pm

Mike and Mike or Bert and Ernie?

Has anyone else noticed a striking resemblence of two popular radio/talkshow hosts on a certain unnamed network to Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street. Both duos are extremely well liked, love each other despite arguing at times and look astonishingly similar.

I don't know about you, but I feel a Saturday Night Live skit in the making.

Category: General
Posted on: June 17, 2009 2:50 pm

A Cryin' Shame

So with the wonderful job of dealing with censored messages on Friday night, that meant only one thing...I needed to find a good movie to keep myself entertained. After doing that unenthusiastic search that everyone does through their friend's dvd collection, hoping to find a movie that they either have not seen more than five times or haven't yet seen, my girlfriend came across Marley & Me. I heard this was a pretty good movie and love dogs along with Jennifer, so I agreed to watch it. Well, not only was it much better than I thought, but I have never watched a movie that has made me cry that much. Granted, I am a pretty emotional guy, but this was just ridiculous. Toward the end of the movie, I started thinking to myself, "OK, I am not going to cry...don't embarrass yourself." But then then my eyes filled up with water faster than cups on a football sideline manned my Bobby Boucher. And then I thought, "Well, this is no big deal, women like sensative guys and there is nothing wrong with crying during a movie." But then, the movie really started to hit home, and I felt a wheeping king of crying coming know the one where you are trying to talk but nobody understands you because the only thing that comes out is a hiccup-like-scream fit only for the the mating calls of a sea lion. I tried extremely hard to keep my composure, but I was pretty much a complete mess. Thankfully, my girlfriend already knows that I'm pathetically emotional when it comes to movies, but this got me to thinking...when is it socially acceptable for a man to cry in public or in front of others. With that being said, here is my list of the Top 5 Most Acceptable reasons for a man to cry in public minus the obvious, and not very fun to talk about, death of a loved one.  

5. Snakes : If you find yourself cornered by a venomous snake that you have just mistaken for a football shaped twig in an attempt to show off your kicking skills to the make-believe-friend you acquired on your walk home after consuming the entire bottle of Jack Daniels at the bar, then it's OK to cry in public. Not only have you drank too much to outsmart a parking meter, let alone a snake, but snakes have to be the scariest animals on the planet. Oh no? You show me another animal on the planet that can move that fast on land without legs. Ya, I don't think so! Oh, and not to mention the fact that you are about to die, because if a snake has you cornered, that means all other life forms have left the scene of your eventual death long before you pissed yourself.

4. Fantasy Football : If your fantasy team is down by five points in the championship game, and your running back gets tackled on the one yard line leading to a quarterback sneak to end the game, then it's OK to cry in public. I know you are thinking, "What a dork, who crys over Fantasy Football?" Well, you are exactly correct...fantasy dorks do. And since I have yet to meet a guy that does not obsess over fantasy football, that makes us all dorks. Unless you have experienced that anticipation of Week 1 of the NFL when everyone has a good fantasy team, you don't understand that there is nothing else going on in the world besides football. The President could be shot and you will be upset because the breaking news is interupting the final drive of the Bengals-Browns game even though the score is 45-17. If you see a guy sitting in front of a TV all by himself at Ale House on a Sunday and you don't even have to wonder why he is crying, then you understand his pain and would never judge him for being incapable of controlling his emotions.

3. Once in a lifetime opportunities missed : If you randomly meet an intoxicated Megan Fox, who by the grace of God, invites you back to her place for a "pillow fight," and you instead get pulled over for speeding and subsequently taken to jail for going 50mph over the speed limit, then it's OK to cry in public.  As a matter of fact, if any of your friends happen to be with you, it is also OK for them to cry as well. Now, if you were swifter than the average goofball and convinced the cop that the reason you were speeding was because you were about to become the envy of all manhood and that he should let you go, then it would once again be OK to cry...this time tears of joy in public. And if you were lucky enough to acquire photos of your romp with Miss Fox, only to have them eaten by your dog, it would actually be OK to cry for a week straight in the middle of a crowded arena.

2. A Swift Kick in the Balls : I am not really sure that this topic really needs much of an explanation. It doesn't really matter if you get nailed in the balls or someone gives you a quick little tap on your manhood, it hurts like the dickens. It's simple. You get hit in the crown jewels, you instantly fall down and you cry. Nobody thinks any less of you and quite frankly, they are just thankful that they don't have to feel your pain.

1. Disappointing your Mother : OK, this one seems a bit pathetic, but whether or not you want to admit it, the last thing you want to do is let down the woman who brought you into the world. I read a story about how a man was holding a family hostage in their own house after shooting a cop and how he emerged from that situation without being shot. You know why? Because the SWAT team brought his mother to the house, and she told him to drop his weapon and surrender. He did it. Now that is some powerful stuff. Unfortunately for this guy, he would soon be crying behind bars on the shoulder of some guy named Bruno.
Category: General
Posted on: June 16, 2009 6:20 pm
Edited on: June 16, 2009 6:28 pm

Checklist of Josh McDaniels' Goals

The new head coach of the Denver Broncos, Josh McDaniels is doing an amazing job...if he is hoping to destroy one of the most storied NFL franchises in only one year. Thanks to my inside sources, I have acquired a checklist of Josh McDaniels' goals for the 2009 season.


1. Expose myself as a liar : Check

2. Stockpile more running backs than we need : Check

3. Trade Away Franchise Quarterback : Check

4. Use my first round pick on another running back : Check

5. Name a backup quarterback as my starting quarterback : Check

6 . Upset my Pro-Bowl receiver to the point where he requests a trade : Check

7. Make Al Davis look sane again : Check

8. Lose at least once to every team in the AFC West : Looking promising

9. Finish dead last in the NFL : Man I envy the Detroit Lions

10 . Use the No. 1 pick in the 2010 draft on another running back : Man I love running backs

Bonus: Get rid of all these No. 7 jerseys hanging up on the walls. Who is this guy?

Category: NFL
Posted on: June 10, 2009 1:18 pm
Edited on: June 10, 2009 1:27 pm

Night Out on the Frown

From the end of high school, through college and the years thereafter, I have been to my share of bars and clubs and would like to think I have a pretty good grasp of what is and isn't appropriate to wear, keeping in mind the type of bar or club, the occasion and the location of the establishment. So when I visited Off the Hookah, a bar and lounge in Downtown Fort Lauderdale, FL, last weekend and was told I had to remove my hat to enter, I was none to pleased to say the least.

Also, I feel that it is important to note that I am a very reasonable person who rarely ever gets upset over anything and always attempts to look at any situation from the other party's point of view before forming an opinion or...writing a blog about what I find to be...well for the use of a better term...not logical in the mind of a socially succesful human being. But the more I thought about it, the less it made sense and the more everything about the lounge started to agitate me.

The first thing "Off the Hookah" did wrong was violate the unwritten rule of rewarding positive guy to girl ratio. What am I talking about? Well I showed up to the front of the lounge with two beautiful women. Once again, no, I am not that smooth as one was my girlfriend and the other was her roommate, but the bouncers don't know that. But instead of rewarding my generous gift to the bar for the night, they had to anger the person buying the first round of drinks...ummm, ya, that's me.

Anyway, I abided by their rules because...well, the security guard was much larger than me, I didn't feel like walking home and "The Dude abides." Sorry, I had to say it, I love that movie. And yes, I know there are plenty of places that have this rule in place to create a sense of class at their establishment, especially clubs, which I would never wear a hat to. But there are two things that bothered me about "Off the Hookah" making me remove my hat. First, you are a freaking hookah bar/lounge! People come to your place to relax, smoke flavored tobacco and...well, lounge. If you want to be an upscale establishment, open a club on South Beach, not a bar in downtown Fort Lauderdale where most bars will let you walk in after you finished running at the gym. And second, why do people wear hats when they go out? Well, either for a fashionable reason because it matches their outfit, or their hair looks like crap and they don't really have time to deal with it. And in my case, both of those boxes were checked off.

So in this establishment where you are attempting to creat a sense of class by forcing all your customers to abide by a certain dress code so that whey will look appealing, you A) made me remove a hat which was being worn in an artistically appealing manor which enhanced the outfit I was wearing, in turn diminishing my aesthetically appealing value and B) made me remove a hat which was concealing the thin-haired, porcupine-resembling mop in desperate need of a haircut which was covering my head, in turn converting me from a stylish laid back guy to what resembled an out of place patron whose hair looked like a bully just bombarded it with noogies. But hey, at least I didn't have a hat on. I would also be leaving out pertinent information if I failed to mention that the hat I was wearing was a throwback Milwaukee Brewers hat. I mean c'mon! Who doesn't love a throwback brewers hat!?!? Everyone knows that the picture of a yellow glove witha ball in the middle is a staple of American culture bred by everything that was once great in a young boys life. Not to mention, where do you think all that beer you guys are serving comes from?

Once I stopped dwelling on my precious hat sitting helplessly in "Off the Hookah's" "hat designated" cubby hole, probably with other hats that were not worthy of being brushed against by my hat, I noticed another thing that, to quote Peter Griffin, "grinds my gears." I was unable to get the attention of the bartender who should have been handing me a beer because he was to busy attempting to flip a plastic "practice" liquor bottle off his elbow and catch it behing his back. HELLO!!!! I don't care if you can make the bottle speak to me, unless it's from something you are serving me; I just want a damn beer! Which got me thinking about every single bar who has their bartenders attempting to accumulate more flair tricks than the actual amount of drinks they know how to prepare. I come to the bar to converse with friends, bartenders and drink (that is ofcourse if I am not the designated driver that night). And if I am having a good time, I am going to tip extremely well. So when you are busy picking up plastic bottles that keep bouncing off the hands that should be opening my beer, it's not going to make me very happy. So if you are a bar tender hoping to make more money, pay attention to your customers, learn what they like to drink and stop worrying about looking cool for some girl who isn't going to sleep with you anyway.

And once I finally got my $5 beer, I noticed the bar was starting to get a bit smokey. Fair enough I thought. I voluntarily came to a hookah bar expecting there to be smoke around me, so I wasn't yet perplexed, that is until I realized that the bar had a machine creating enough smoke to fill the entire establishment. Yes, they didn't think the bar was smokey enough from everyone smoking a hookah, so they had to make it look as though it was smokier than in really was. That's CLASSY! Looks like you guys are a real UPSCALE establishment. It's a good thing I didn't have my hat on, someone may have been offended to be hanging out with a hatted hoodlum while enjoying the smoke they were breathing in. Now I get it! Next time I will make sure I dress more appropriately in case someone finds a way to see through all the fake smoke and leave for a nicer establishment because they were offended by my hat which only honors the beverages that are making you money and an American pastime which layed the foundation for the athletic growth of our generation. OK, that last sentence may have been a bit overdramatic, but at least I am writing this blog with the freedom of being allowed to wear my throwback Milwaukee Brewers hat...backward!

Category: MLB
Posted on: June 3, 2009 1:05 pm
Edited on: June 3, 2009 1:52 pm

Learn from the Ladies

June is here, and yes that means that Summer is also here along with a relentless amount of rain in South Florida, but what it also means is that the time has come for me to engulf myself in the wonderful world of Women's College Softball. Yes, I know. I get made fun of for watching women's softball all the time, but when the Women's College World Series rolls around, I can't help myself. This stuff is entertaining people!

Besides the fact that I still haven't grasped the concept of being able to throw a ball underhand at about 65 mph, how many times can you watch an athlete wear skin tight pants and a shiny bow in their hair. I can't think of any unless Dennis Rodman conducting a publicity stunt counts. Aside from the entertaining aspects of the game, which involves more cheers and signature handshakes that a patty-cake competition at recess, I was extremely impressed by one of the teams in the WCWS this season.

Now I am a die hard Gator fan of any sport, so you know there is no bias in my message when I tell you that I am talking about the Georgia Bulldogs softball team and the way these ladies carried themselves...

This season was the Bulldogs' first appearance in the WCWS, and even though they were knocked out by the eventual 2009 Champion Washington Huskies, I think every athletic organization from little league to the professionals can learn from these Lady Bulldogs. These girls played with a certain panache which carried over to their performance on the field.

I couldn't help but not root for these girls and when I was watching their second game in one day against the Huskies, I found myself feeling bad for them when the score was 5-0 in their opponents favor, until I realized that they didn't feel bad for themselves. They were all still smiling, carrying on with their cheers like normal and joking around with eachother. If were to turn on the game and a score was not provided for me, I would have thought these ladies in red were winning 10-0 in the championship game, yet their season was about to come to and end. But instead of hanging their heads and giving up, they continued to cheer on their teammates and most important of all, they continued to enjoy the game they love to play for one last time this season. I think that is a concept that has been lost in our sport for so long and I congratulate them on bringing it back. Every single athlete, no matter how much money they make, started playing the game they are currently involved in because they found it to be fun.

I played baseball up until I graduated from high school and my biggest regret was not enjoying the game more as I was always worried about not messing up. Now a lot of that has to do with the coaches I had, so I would like to commend, Lu Harris-Champer, the head coach of the Lady Bulldogs for creating at enviting atmosphere for these girls to play in and a mentality that will help them deal with all the hardships that life has to offer. I would also like to point out one player on the team in general who seemed to be the team catalyst. The shortstop, Kristin Schnake, had more energy in her than any softball player I have ever seen and the team seemed to feed off of that. I am not exaggerating when I say that she had a smile on her face everytime the camera showed her, whether it was her homerun that helped the Bulldogs force another game against Washington, or she was up to bat with an 0-2 count and her team was losing. She was having a great time, she showed it and she still performed well on the field.

And with as much crap as us guys give girls about being emotional and catty, I was extremely impressed with the mental attitude displayed by not only the Georgia Bulldogs softball team but all the teams in the College World Series. Even after a loss, the teams would always shake hands and they still had a cheer to honor what they had accomplished that season or to congratulate the other team. I hate to say it, but it's apparent that 95 percent of paid professionals which are supposed to be grown men could learn from these young ladies that are still in school about how to act like a true professional.

Meanwhile, we all continue praise the wondrous talents of an NBA MVP who can't even shake his opponents' hand after losing a series. We follow NFL receivers in awe who can do nothing but taunt their opponents after doing their job and we continue to watch and cheer for MLB players which have disgraced themselves and the game by taking steroids. So go ahead, make fun of me for watching women's softball, but at least I am following athletes who respect and have fun playing the game they have dedicated their whole life to.

I would also like to congratulate the Washington Huskies for winning their first Softball championship and my Lady Gators for reaching their first softball championship series and on a record setting season.

Posted on: May 20, 2009 1:14 pm
Edited on: May 20, 2009 1:18 pm

Do Their Parents Hate Them?

Last week I broke down the 10 best names currently in baseball and this week I promised to do the same for the 10 worst. Over the years, there have been some names in baseball that I am not even sure I can type for this blog, so I am going to keep myself out of trouble; however, I am sure you know what they are. If you don't, a quick Google search will fill you in on the topic.

Now, I understand that some people may find these names quite entertaining and feel they deserve to find a place in the best baseball names, but some of these are just cruel, especially for a young kid growing up. A few are pertaining to the names chosen by the ball players' parents, yet the majority address the last name acquired at birth, which makes you wonder...where do such terrible last names come from? Good names or bad names, these players find a way to entertain us when our team is getting crushed and we still have 15 beers to kill in the third inning.

10. Gabe Gross (RF for Tampy Bay Rays) - There really isn't much indepth analysis needed for Gabe. His last name is Gross! Once you learn what the word gross means as a child and then your realize..."Oh man, that is my last name,"... you have to need a serious sit down with your parents or a counseling session. I mean someone could tell Gabe that he is Gross and not be insulting him...or would they be insulting him without being at risk of getting in trouble. See how confusing this is!
9. Nomar Garciaparra (1B Oakland Athletics) - A lot of fathers give their child the same name as themselves so that is nothing to be ashamed of; however, Nomar's dad, Ramon thought he would do something a little different. Yes, you caught on to that. Nomar is Ramon backwards. "Son, it has been a longstanding tradition in this family to pass down the name Ramon, but you were not worthy of the name so I gave you my name...backwards." Thanks Dad!
8. Scott Proctor (RP Florida Marlins) - OK, I know there isn't anything wrong with this name at first glance, but the word proctor just doesn't sound appelaing to be. It's like a mix between colon, rectal and doctor with a "p" thrown into the mix. Yes I know I have problems, which I am currently seeking help for, but everytime I hear Scott Proctor's name, I think of that certain procedure that my doctor will start performin on me when I turn 40.
7. Joba Chamberlain (SP New York Yankees) - OK, well I am not exactly sure if Joba is his given name or one that he acquired but c'mon people. I know you are thinking, what's wrong with having a name from Star Wars? Well, nothing if your name is Luke, but when you are named after Jabba the Hut, a half ton blob from, from one of the most famous movies ever...and you are already a heavy set person to begin with, the combination is not appealing. I can only imagine the torment Joba received as a child...oh wait he still does.
6. David Riske (RP Milwaukee Brewers) - I am not 100 percent sure about the pronunciation of David's last name, but it sounds like Risky to me. Now I don't know about you, but as a manager, I wouldn't feel very good about sending a guy into a tied ball game with the bases loaded when his name is Risky. Not to mention, what woman wants to marry or let alone, go on a date with a man named Risky?
5. Chris Getz (2B Chicago White Sox) - Chris Getz what? His name is an incomplete sentence? Now even though I can't spell to save my life, I happen to be a grammar freak, and it drives me crazy when something doesn't read properly, like...incomplete sentences. It's like going on a date, getting a nice long kiss at the girl's front door and then not getting invited inside. Yes that's right, Chris Getz nothing!
4. Jimmy Gobble (SP Chicago White Sox) - The poor boy's last name is not only the definition of the terrible sound a bird makes that we happen to eat on Thanksgiving, but the word is also synonymous with a certain action females tend to perform on males. So when you hear Jimmy Gobble, do you think Thanksgiving feast or just late night...oh man I'm just not going to go there!
3. Dan Uggla (2B Florida Marlins) - What was the most frequent insult you heard growing up as a child? That's right! "Oh ya, well you're ugly and your mom is too!" Well, in Dan's case they weren't far off from the truth. Now I'm not saying that Dan and his mother are ugly, but they are indeed Uggla. There is no way Dan didn't run home crying from elementary school at least three times a week.
2. Justin Duchscherer (SP Oakland Athletics) - Man I don't even know where to begin with Justin. I'm not even quite sure I can type his name again or attempt to pronounce it properly without violating the CBSSports Terms of Service. In case you have no idea what I am talking about, Justin's last name is an adjective describing a female action which is not very flattering. Thankfully for him, not many kids knew what that word meant growing up...but every drunk guy in the opposing team's stadium does.
1. J.J. Putz (RP New York Mets) - I know J.J.'s last name is pronounced Poots, but we all know that nobody actually calls him that. Every fan prounounces his name the way it is spelled...Putz. In case you are unaware of the meaning behind the word putz, it is a yiddish word that means, a foolish man or obnoxious man. So yes, J.J.'s last name is actually fool. The announcer for the New York Mets calls J.J. a fool everytime he runs to the mound from the dugout. It's a good think he is a good pitcher!

Category: MLB
The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or