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Posted on: March 4, 2009 8:29 am
Edited on: March 4, 2009 11:48 am
 

Feeling the Pain

As sports fans, we see athletes going down with leg injuries all the time, especially during football season. We know that this usually means that the athlete for our team will be out for a certain amount of time, or in Tom Brady's case, the entire season. Everyone knows how detrimental this can be to a team, depending on the importance of that player, but what we don't think about is how an injury like this affects athletes throughout every-day life.

I recently pulled my hamstring, or at least that's what I think because I'm too stubborn to see the doctor, playing kickball...yes, that's right, I said kickball. Please don't ask anymore questions...just go with it. Anyway, I was upset about being injured because it meant that I would not be able to play for a while, but what I soon realized is that I forgot how difficult it is to function throughout the day when you have a leg injury. Here are a few issues that I have recently run into and please feel free to laugh at me as much as you would like since some of them are a bit embarrassing.


Putting on underwear and pants : After I grimace my way out of the shower and find a way to dry myself off without crying like an overweight cat in heat, the most difficult part of my day is putting on my underwear. I am being dead serious! At first I tried to put my red, jockey boxer briefs on the normal way, forgetting that my leg is tighter that the clinched jaw of someone that bet the under on the Super Bowl and more colorful than a parade in Key West, and let's just say that didn't go very well. So, next I tried dangling the elusive garment below my injured leg and dropping my limb with a blind hope that it would find the appropriate hole, however, I ended up grabbing the elastic band with my toes while still desperately holding my jockeys with my opposite hand. Well, let's just say this was a worse idea as I ended up dropping my leg in an attempt not to stub my toe, which created more pressure on my leg, causing me to fall face first on my unmade bed. I can only imagine what my dog is thinking, watching a completely naked man fall face first on the bed and screaming like he had just been stabbed and undoubtedly cursing about something his mother would not be proud to hear. So there I am, butt-ass naked, lying on my bed, still holding my underwear, and I realize that five minutes have gone by and I have failed to complete a task that a three-year-old can finish on his own in less that 10 seconds. That's when I knew it was going to be a long day.

Going to the bathroom : There is nothing glorious about sitting on a toilet so I will try and keep this as non descriptive as possible, but it must not go without being mentioned. I will never take for granted sitting on a toilet seat again now that I know what it feels like to have a breathing watermelon in my leg. And as you can imagine, you can't actually sit when your right leg is about twice the size of your left leg, so what do you do? Well, the only thing you can do. You lean to your left side and hold your right leg in the most comfortable position as possible and you pray that you are able to get the job done before your leg either cramps up, falls asleep or you actually fall of the boat, which are all dangerous situations to encounter. If you get lucky enough to finish your task at hand in an ample time frame, you then have to worry about the clean-up, which you would think would be easier since you are already leaning toward one side. However, an uncomfortable leg that doesn't want to do what you are telling it to do presents an unfavorable situation requiring quick improvisations. All I could come up with was squatting over my work space with a stepping stool to help secure my non-flexibly inclined leg and praying that nobody would ever see me in such an uncompromising position in my life.


Driving : First of all, I must make sure that I don't forget anything because once I get into the car, there is no getting out. I don't care what I forgot...it can wait until I get back. And if I am sitting in the passenger seat of a car, I have to have the driver close the door for me. You would think this would give you a feeling of importance with someone closing your door for you, but it doesn't. Mostly because the person closing the door for you has to get up and walk around the car after they give you a look like you are the biggest waste of space on the face of the planet, all the while reminding you how much you owe them and that if you were not injured, they would kick your ass up and down the street without feeling guilty about it. Anyway, back to the actual driving part. Thankfully, I have an automatic car, not that I would be able to drive a manual anyway (yes, it is one of the embarrassing failures in my life) because I need my left foot available to lift me up instead of pumping a clutch. It's not that painful to press on the breaks, but in order to actually get anywhere, a driver has to actually step on the gas a few times and since sitting on my leg hurts more than a scorpion attached to the tip of a nose, you can only imagine how great it feels to press down on my leg when I am already sitting on it. So I have devised a plan to lift my body with my left foot and work the pedals with my half-witted right foot. You can imagine that the process is not awesome in any way, shape or form and I hope than nobody has to actually witness such a feat, not that anyone with half a brain would actually get in a car with me after watching this display of idiocracy. Every light I approach usually involves me saying, " Please turn red, please turn red, please turn red...where are all these damn green lights coming from!"



Putting on/Taking off socks and shoes : After the first frustrating effort of attempting to remove my socks and shoes since I was able to put them on normally before I was injured, the process becomes a bit easier than the actual application of foot protection. Now, I am not saying that it's easy to remove my shoes and socks, but I usually have more time since I don't have a certain place to be and rubbing my feet together in what can only be described as a disturbing convulsion usually does the trick. However, the process comes with indescribable sounds of discomofort and relief once the process is over, but none of it compares to attempting to put a sock on my right foot. To make things worse, I am probably one of the least flexible people in the world and have learned to live with the issue, but having a hamstring that is more useless than the stock market makes things a bit more difficult than what I am used to. I first tried hanging the sock on my toes, which I actually succeeded in doing, but that's all they did, just hang there. I wasn't smart enought to realize that once I got them hanging, that I still wouldn't be able to reach that part of my foot and pull them secure. So next, I dropped them on the floor and tried to slide them on like shoes, but I quickly realized that it was probably the dumbest idea I have not only thought of but actually tried to implement. So as I was already late to work and going no where fast, I thought of the best idea I had come up with all week. Who needs socks anyway? My shoes have the appropriate lining and isn't that why they created shoe-odor spray anyway?

Walking : Once I have spent my entire morning just attempting to get dressed, I usually feel proud of myself if I haven't cried yet throughout the process, but that is short lived once I start heading down the hallway to my cubible, and I realize that I am walking like someone just sanded off the right side of my ass. So, I have been trying not to leave my desk too much, but there are issues which make this task difficult like hunger, having to empty my bladder, doing actual work and boredom. Maybe I should just pick up one of those motorized carts at Publix on my lunch break and maneuver around the office in one of those bad boys, but who knows how long it would take me to get on and off that thing. I guess I will just have to suffer like everyone else and learn to have a newfound respect for athletes that have to deal with constant injuries. However, Tom Brady has Giselle to take care of him, while I have a 90 pound pit-bull that stares at me with disappointment. Too bad I wasn't born with a rocket arm, but at least I have learned to embrace the wonders of humility.

 

 

Category: General
Tags: Tom Brady
 
Posted on: February 25, 2009 9:10 am
 

Over Info-rmed

Last week, we took a look at some of the most popular products being sold on TV with the influx of informercials sweeping across all the television sets in America, unfortunately, this is only a blog and not novel, so we are going to take a look at some more products created to sucks the life out of your bank account. Now, don't get me wrong because I'm not saying that buying products on television or off the internet is asinine because we all do it, but just try and be selective while keeping in mind how you are going to explain to your loved one that you just spent three easy payments of $19.95 on something that you will either never use or that has been under your sink for three years already...Oh, but you also received a free piece of junk for calling within the next 20 minutes so you got a bargain.

 

The Bender Ball : Cleverly named after the woman that created the ball, although I am not really sure if anyone should be taking credit for creating balls, and the action the ball makes when in use. Who would have thought that a ball bends when you sit on it to make those enjoyable crunches even more entertaining? Now, I am not saying that this product doesn't work, because I have never tried it and sitting on a ball is probably more comfortable than the ground, but hasn't this thing been around for years. Back in the day when I was a gym rat, which is about five years ago, the gym had these balls lined up underneath the dumbell racks and in front of the mirrors. They had large balls big enough to sleep on, medium sized balls which I used to do sit-ups on and smaller balls were always calling my name to boot across the gym, but that's besides the point. This is like my last name being Lifter, and me attempting to sell dumbbells under the name weight lifters. I would like to think America is not that dumb...right? Plus, I have about fifteen of these balls in my car which are also known as kickballs. Don't ask.

 

ShamWow: I'm not sure about the numbers, but this has to be the most popular and most productive item sold on television. And as a matter of fact, my roommate ordered this thing a few weeks ago and we have already used it, but not on something that a paper towel couldn't take care of. Now, I don't have the greatest memory, but I believe my mom was using something of this nature to clean up nasty spills and wonderful puke (The dog's not mine...no seriously) when I was still in high school which is about eight years ago. The cloth looked just like the ShamWow cloth and definitely permformed like a champion so I can't say much in that area. I'm just not sure if she was using something different or she just knew about ShamWow before it became a television icon. I would like to think she was ahead of her time since she always had some product that I had never seen and that fixed every problem that would arise. You gotta love moms! Anyway, this product definitely works, but I guess I'm just old fashioned and would rather throw fifteen paper towels on the carpet, stomp on them a few times, leave it there for about two hours, let the dog lick up the remains and then just throw the paper towels away instead of worrying about cleaning a cloth to use again. And for those of you that get upset when your dog throws up on the carpet, don't remove the animal from the area. Just leave it there for a few minutes and he or she will take care of the problem themselves...just don't watch...trust me people, it works.

 

Doggy Steps : This damn thing is almost as bad as doggy strollers which is a totally different subject that I don't want to get started on because I'll get all worked up and then I will ruin my day. Anyway, this thing is basically a stepping stool that you place next to your bed or sofa or whatever your animal wants to try and shed on. Now I know we are quickly becoming a lazier society and we could be the slackest countries in the world, but do we really need to corrupt our pets as well? I mean we already push them around in carts, carry them in handbags and dress them in little outfits which I know they are cursing at us for when we tell them how cute they look...trust me, I can talk to animals. Here's an idea, if your dog is having a difficult time getting on the bed, pick that pooch up and put him on there, it's really not that hard people. What is that? What about when you are not home? Well if your dog is too old to get up on the bed on his or her own, they are probably better off not making it up there. I'm sure the nice cold tile or warm carpet will do just fine. Dogs eat food off floor and lick their own asses...they are not very picky animals...unless we make them that way.

 

Mighty Mend It : Despite the fact that if I see this commercial one more time, I'm going to actually buy the product and mighty mend my ears and eyes shut to ease the pain. Oh but this isn't actually glue, it's a totally different substance that helps anything stick together. Well I don't really care what it's made of but we already have ten different versions of this stuff. Super Glue has been around longer than I can remember with plenty of knock-offs of the product. And we all know that super glue works perfectly and if you don't, just trust me on that one. I have super glued my fingers to just about anything I can get my hands on, albeit I'm not the sharpest sword in the duel, but don't worry...I have never pulled a Jason Biggs in American Pie 2. Now until Mighty Mend It can repair the hole in the o-zone layer or help 'mend' the disastrous economy that is spiraling out of control, I'm just not going to be that impressed.

 

Strap Perfect : This product claims to enhance cleavage for the lovely ladies and I am definitely not going to bash boosting the wonderful bust line, but this product just seems a bit too simple. All it does is pull the bra straps together to squeeze the bra together more. Does it work? I have no idea and I'm not really doubting whether or not it does but is someone really selling a pack of three of these things for $9.95. Yes, it's not a lot of money, but the damn things look like more aesthetically pleasing paper clips. I mean bra straps are not the toughest things to hold together...not that I would know, but I have heard. With all the different clips and straps girls have for their hair, they have no reason to buy this product. They just need to steal the idea and be creative. C'mon ladies, I know you are all smater than this. And if you ever need anyones opinion on whether or not a product is improving your cleavage, I will be more than willing to assist you in any way you need. I'm a nice guy and I enjoy helping out all my readers.

 

Category: General
Posted on: February 18, 2009 10:29 am
Edited on: February 18, 2009 1:04 pm
 

Too Much Info-mation

I'm not sure if I have a newfound disdain for not only informercials, the products being sold and the people buying them or if there really is a surplus of these annoying interruptions during my precious television time. From what I can remember, infomercials used to be on television around 2 a.m., nobody ever watched them as the very sight would render an instant change of the channel and nobody ever actually purchased any of the products, at least nodody I know. But now, it's as if the only commercials on television are infomercials selling what I thought was useless and money wasting products; however, I seem to be mistaken because even this crappy economy, people actually purchase these things. I don't know if it's the "If you call right now we will throw in this useless piece of crap for free" pitch or people are just hoping the commercials will go away if they give in, but I am here to tell you to save your money and why you have no business even considereing purchasing items a five-year-old could produce. Let's take a look at some of the popular products that people seem to be purchasing at an alarming rate!


Snuggie : People! You have one of these in your closet already. It's called a sweater, except it actually fits you better and is more stylish. You can also find a lighter version of the snuggie at your local hospital. Yes, that's right, I am talking about a backwards gown. Just ask someone you know that works at a hospital to steal a few gowns for you, hopefully unused, and you have yourself a new snuggie. Or you could always save money by using what the rest of America has in their house to keep them warm...a blanket. What is that you say? The snuggie has sleeves that fit over your arm. Well so does a damn blanket! Those things cover your entire body. I don't think I have ever heard a person say, "Man, blankets would be so much more comfortable if they had sleeves." You know why? Because there is nothing wrong with blankets, which is why we have been using them for centuries and they are just as efficient as ever. I wouldn't use a snuggie if someone gave it to me as a gift for fear of losing my common sense license.


Big City Slider Station
: Not only is this commercial close to landing me in an insane asylum if I actually hear it again, but I don't understand what is different about this product as opposed to what we already use to cook hamurgers. It actually reminds me of the fake cooking products we had as a child that either fell apart or was exiled to the back of the closet within a few months. I mean this product is just a pan with five small holes in it for beef. No, I don't already have one of these, but I guarantee you that everyone's mom already has one and she uses it to make cupcakes and muffins. Not to mention, you still have to shape the beef patties yourself before you place them in the Big City Slider Station, just like you would if you were to cook them in the oven, so I still fail to find the advantage to this useless piece of whatever it's made of. Oh, and their is this thing called a grill which every man with a soul already owns and was born knowing how to operate. Also keep in mind that a grill is an icon of our pastime and their is nothing that could ever reciprocate a perfectly cooked burger like a grill could. Anyone purchasing a product to replace a grill should be immediately arrested and tried for treason after acting in an un American manner. By the way, George Foreman Grills are OK, because they are still grills.



Pro Caulk : Despite the fact that I laugh everytime the words Pro Caulk are used on television, and I am going to make myself a T-Shirt that says Pro Caulk, are there really enough people in America that are willing to grout their own bathroom. Crap, the majority of the people in America don't even clean their own bathroom let alone enforce the current tiling. Oh but the product also comes with a square piece of plastic that helps to perfectly align your Pro Caulk in the alloted area...man that sounds wrong and I wasn't even attempting to go there. And this piece of plastic which probably costs about 1 cent to produce could probably be found under any household couch, closet or junk drawer. From what you ask? It doesn't really matter, it's a two inch square peice of plastic that a slow monkey could create in less than five minutes. I am in no way underestimating the power of caulk, but why don't we leave the use of this already invented substance to the professionals who have already mastered the use of the product.


Peticure-Petite-Pet-Nail-Clipper
: In addition to having a name too long for anything someone should consider paying for, this product looks more like a tool used for torturing animals. First of all, it should just be called a Dog-Nail Clipper because I can't think of another animal that you could use this contraption on. Most house cats are declawed and if they weren't, convincing a cat to stand still while you mess with its feet is like forcing George Bush to understand basic economic concepts. And any other animal that people keep as a pet is either too large or too small for this stupid thing. And I don't know about the rest of the dog owners around the world, but if I got within two feet of my dog with the grinding nail clipper thingy, he would either rip my face off like a fruit-role-up and make the contraption his new chew toy or create his own doggy door by barging through my wall. Either way, the person who created this tiny death trap obviously does't own a large dog or has the powers of the Dog whisperer. And we all know that nobody is half as talented as Cesar Millan because that man owns every dog he comes in contact with. I should find a way to recreate and sell him for a large profit.


Perfect Push Up : This is clear evidence that we have to be the laziest culture not only in the world but in the history of all living beings. Someone has taken the most simplistic exercise in the history of mankind and found a way to sell it. And the most alarming thing is that this product is selling like ice after a hurricane, which has caused spinoffs of this product to be produced like the perfect pull up. If I created the perfect beer chug, I wonder if people would buy it. I don't know if it's the idea of buying something so ridiculous forces people to do actually do push ups or if people have never actually completed a push up before. What is that you say? The perfect push up rotates my wrists like the action of a punch as I am moving toward the ground to complete my push up. Well that is great, but if I wanted to work on my mixed martial arts skills, I would buy a punching bag. And there is a reason it's called a push up...because your wrists aren't supposed to move. Otherwise it would be called a twist up or a punch up. This is not difficult stuff people, trust me, because I failed physics miserably. Just get on your hands and feet and push!

Category: General
Posted on: February 11, 2009 11:05 am
 

Pro Bowl Proposals

After watching the Pro Bowl this weekend, I came to the realization that the game desperately needs some changes. OK, so I didn't really watch the game, but neither did you, and I doubt you know anyone that did. And if someone was watching the game, I am more confident than Jack Bauer in a life threatening situation that they were not paying attention and have no idea what the final score was. It is apparent that the NFL realizes the Pro Bowl needs an energy boost as the game was moved to the weekend before the Super Bowl, which I think will slightly help ratings, but this just isn't nearly enough.

I understand that the game can't be moved to the middle of the season like all other All-Star games, but nobody is ever going to care about the actual outcome of the Pro Bowl as long as it's at the end of the season, so the thinking heads in charge of the greatest run professional sports business need to realize that the best direction to lean toward is entertainment. Take away some of the football aspect and add situations that are guaranteed to attract not only a football audience, but new fans to the game. With all of this in mind, here are some sure fire ways to attract an audience for the Pro Bowl.


Mandatory keg stands for punters, kickers and quarterbacks : These are the three positions that rely heavily on accuracy when performing their craft on the field. So what better way to make it more difficult to be accurate than to require a keg stand before a quarterback leaves the sideline for a series, a kicker comes out for a field goal or a punter attempts to pin the opposing team within its own five-yard line. Now, I am not talking about a wimpy five-second keg stand that wouldn't give Mini-Me a buzz, we are talking about an all out effort here. Any of these guys should be able to perform a one or two minute keg stand with two 400 pound linemen holding them up. Just imagine a field goal kicker nailing his holder in the crotch, a punter kicking the ball thirty yards...backward and a quarterback celebrating after he completes a perfect post pattern...to the mascot on the sideline. I mean, defenses aren't even allowed to rush the kicker on a field goal during games right now and you know that a quarterback won't get laid out so this will most certainly shake things up. Also, if a quarterback has been on the field for a long series and is completing to many passes, there will be a designated beer runner assigned to provide the signal caller with more happy juice between plays.

The announcers should be little kids : I have never really been a very big fan of announcers in general. None of them are allowed to say what is really on their mind because they have to be politically correct, and they don't want to upset the people they are constantly working with and interviewing. With these limitations, announcers tend to repeat simple concepts, explain rules to us that we already know and tell us stories that we could care less about. I know a lot of people who turn the volume off on games and either listen to music or nothing at all. If we had three random kids announcing a game, how entertaining that would be? Remember that show that Bill Cosby used to have, "Kids say the darndest things," well America used to eat that show up. There is nothing better than a kid saying something totally off the wall because he or she can get away with it. Just imagine hearing, "Terrell Owens caught the football. I think it was a touchdown. He made a nice catch, but he sure is a poopie head." I obviously can't recreat the humor involved in this situation because you can't predict what little kids are going to say, which is the beauty of this whole idea. As a matter of fact, they should do this for all games now that I think about it. 

 
Cheerleaders and players alternate playing
: This is a pretty simple concept and I can't think of one guy that would argue against this idea. I am not proposing that the players play against the cheerleaders, because that would just be a disaster, but the players would play against eachother for one series and then the cheerleaders would play against eachother for the next series and this would continute throughout the game. And the cheerleaders would wear pads over their outfits with the cutoff jerseys and the eye black. I don't know what it is about women with cutoff jerseys with eye black on, but it makes me smile. Don't tell me that as a Philadelphia Eagles fan, you wouldn't want to see the girl representing your team closeline the cheerleader from the Dallas Cowboys or New York Giants. As a Dolphins fan, I have no doubt our cheerleader would demolish the Jets cheerleader. Man I would probably record that and play it over and over again until it eventually made its way to my screensaver. And on the other side of the equation, while the girls are on the field, the players would be cheering. Now I am not saying I want to see any of them in short skirts, but I would find it pretty humorous to see them jumping up and down with pom poms, while performing some cheer they would undoubtedly butcher like most of their performances in a Saturday Night Live skit. And we all know T.O. already has some experience with pom poms. And yes, that is the second time I have referenced T.O., but I can't help it, he is just to easy to make fun of.

Worst team replace by the animal it represents : This is by far my favorite idea and although it might get a bit out of hand, that is essentially what we are looking for here. Each conference will take one of the teams in last place of its division and send home all the players representing that team, which probably won't be that many if any. Instead, they will be able to play the actual animal that team represents on the field. So for instance, the NFC could selct a lion to play for them and the AFC could select a Jaguar (both teams in last place in their respective divisons). To prevent absolute carnage, neither of the animals could be on the field at the same time and each one can only be used for one play in a series. So if the AFC, was down a touchdown with two seconds left on the clock and was receiving a kickoff, it could just put the Jaguar in and it would be essentially and outomatic touchdown. Plus it would be entertainment at its finest to watch top-notch athletes attempt to tackle a Jaguar. Or if the AFC was going for a first down on fourth and inches, the NFC could just unleash its lion and I am fairly confident the play would end it at least a 15 yard loss, depending on how fast the running back could change directions. Unfortunately, there were no birds in last place this season, as all but one of the bird teams made the playoffs, but just imagine how automatic your offense would be if you could use an eagle or a falcon.

Lineups are pulled out of a hat (helmet) : We all know what Peyton Manning and Larry Fitzerald are capable of as they are well recognized as the best at their respective positions. By the end of the season, nobody really cares if Peyton throws an eighty yard touchdown pass or Larry reels in two touchdown receptions. Yawn! Yawn again! We have already seen that and frankly its not that interesting if our fantasy team isnt kicking ass and the game doesn't count for anything. This situation would easily be remedied if all the players names were thrown into a helmet and a lovely cheerleader pulled their names out to determing the position they would be playing. And I am talking about offensive players playing on defense and special team and vice versa. I know it would be interesting to watch Albert Haynesworth throw a touchdown pass to James Harrison with Jay Culter blocking the play and Drew Brees attempting to make the tackle as Mr. Lewis ran him over like a rag doll. Or better yet, Jeff Feagles attempting to block Troy Polamlu as Andre Ware attempted to punt his team out of the endzone. Now I know this is a nightmare for agents and owners watching their star players attempt to play unfamiliar positions and risk injury, but everyone needs to stop worrying so much and enjoy the damn game. And yes, the lion and the jaguar would also have their names included in the helmet.


Posted on: February 3, 2009 4:35 pm
Edited on: February 4, 2009 1:15 pm
 

Separated at Birth

After watching Super Bowl XLIII and playing a drinking game that involves every person at the party taking a sip of their adult beverage every time Mike Tomlin popped up on the tube, I noticed something. Either the Steelers' head coach is Omar Epps' long lost brother or the warning on the beer can isn't lying when it says the contents can impair your judgement. And trust me, the youngest coach to win a Super Bowl showed up on that screen a lot more times than I was expecting him too.

After I received verification from everyone else at the party that my claims of the two successful men's resemblence was warranted, I got to thinking about what other coaches and athletes in the sports world could have long lost siblings. I mean, it just wouldn't be right if we didn't help a lending hand to some of our favorite sports figures with our newfound knowledge.


Mike Tomlin and Omar Epps
: I'm not sure if it's the haircut, facial hair, facial expressions, features or just both of their general dispositions but I think most of you would agree they could easily pass as brothers and possibly twins. Both are well known, successful men that are the best at what they do, but I think the most interesting thing is that you can even say their personalites are the same. Both are confident yet soft spoken individuals who also look like they can take charge and won't be pushed around. Not to mention Mr. Tomlin has just won arguably the greatest prize in all of Sports with the Vince Lombardi trophy and a Super Bowl ring, while Omar Epps is on one of the most successful TV shows on television (House) where he gets to pretend sleep with Thirteen. And if you are a frequent reader of Delusional Banter, then you know how strong my affinity for Olivia Wilde is. There is no doubting the success of these two look alikes, but someone needs to let them know that they were brothers separated at birth.

Jason Taylor and Xerxes from the movie 300 : I have seen 300 about five times, but I thought Jason Taylor was actually in the movie playing the role of Xerxes the first time I saw it. Hey, it's not that off-the-wall especially with Mr. Taylor's emergence onto the Hollywood scene after his appearance on Dancing With the Stars and his interest in a cinematic career after football. It wasn't until the other night it was on TV again that I was reminded, maybe Jason Taylor's long lost brother was at one time the ruler of the Persian empire. Yes, I understand that the math doesn't work out here, but arithmetic is not my strong suit. Anyway, the man who really played Xerxes is Rodrigo Santoro, who actually looks nothing like Jason Taylor or the role he played in this movie. I guess what I am saying here is that the wrong person was cast in this movie to play the role of Xerxes. Don't get me wrong as Santoro did a great job, but with Jason Taylor in this role, it may have cost less to pay him while bringing more attention to the movie, and there would have been a lot less work for the makeup artists. Either way, there is just no way of denying the obvious resemblence.

George Karl and John Lithgow : I remember when I first saw George Karl on the sideline of a basketball game. I suddenly thought maybe it was a basketball movie where John Lithgow was playing the coach. It took me a few seconds to realize that George Karl and John Lithgow were just twins that had not found each other yet. Just look at the two of them; they both have the same gray ring of hair around their bald head as their desperate attempt to keep the hair they have has become their signature look. They even have that same dumb look on their face, almost as if they didn't know where they were or exactly what they were talking about in the middle of a conversation. Granted, that is part of John Lithgow's comedic approach and every coach goes through a period of confusion, but there is no denying the likeness. Despite earning multiple Emmy and Tony Awards as well as some Oscar nominations, Lithgow is probably best known for his role as Dick Solomon on 3rd Rock from the Sun. Karl is currently 12th on the all time NBA coaching win list and is the head coach for the Denver Nuggets, but I will always remember him as the coach of the Seattle Supersonics when Shawn Kemp, Gary Payton and Detlef Shrempf ruled the hardcourts.

Sam Cassell and Kif Kroker (The alien from Futurama) : Now don't get me wrong here, I am not attempting to make fun of Sam Cassell (Just because he went to Florida State) and as a matter of fact, he is one of my favorite basketball players of all time, but he just so happens to look like an alien cartoon character. We all look like someone as I'm sure I share a likeness withe something not so pleasant, but c'mon...you can't tell me that a mention of the striking resemblance is not warranted. Plus, he talks so much that you can't really understand what he is saying, which could possibly be interpreted as another language from a far-away land. If you don't believe me, just ask Kevin Garnett. Cassell has actually had a successful basketball career winning two NBA title with the Houston Rockets and another with the Boston Celtics, and I have heard he is a really nice guy, but that is not what people know him as. If you ask anyone if they know who Sam Cassell is, they will say, "Isn't that the alien basketball player." I don't make this stuff up folks, I'm just the messenger. And in case you don't know much about Kif Kroker he is from the planet Amphibios 9 and is the assistant to Captain Zapp Brannigan and Fourth Lieutenant on the Democratic Order of Planets (DOOP) starship Nimbus.

Robert Horry and Will Smith (the actor) : This is probably the most striking resemblence out of the five I have listed and I believe everyone already knows about this one, but it was just too perfect to pass up for the sake of my message. I don't even think there is much to explain for this one and if there was a movie made about Robert Horry's successful basketball career, it would be a crime if Will Smith wasn't given the role. As a matter of fact, if Will Smith didn't play Robert Horry, nobody would watch it for the sheer stupidity of not hiring the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. I probably don't need to delve into the accomplishments of Will Smith as he is probably the most successful and well liked actor in Hollywood with two or three blockbuster movies each year, but I think everyone will always remember him as the Fresh Prince. Robert Horry "Big Shot Rob" has won a total of seven NBA titles (two with the Rockets, three with the Lakers and two with the Spurs) which makes him one of only nine players to have seven or more championships in the NBA, and the only one who did not play on the 1960s Celtics. But I don't care what anyone says, they are definitely brothers!


I know there are plenty of other look alikes out there and I would like to hear about the ones I did not include.

Posted on: January 28, 2009 1:16 am
Edited on: January 28, 2009 12:41 pm
 

My Favorite Super Bowl Logos

Even though the Dolphins aren't in the Super Bowl, I am still a huge football fan and have always been fascinated by all the festivities that surround the Super Bowl. I always thought the day after the Super Bowl should be condsidered a national holiday, relieving everyone from the responsibility of showing up to work on time, but that is probably why I am not in charge of the country. But, what better way to celebrate this glorious sporting event than to look back upon some of the greatest Super Bowl logos we have layed eyes upon.

Now, I don't think the Super Bowl XLIII logos is as bad as Mr. Darst is making it sound, but I do agree that it's really bland and could use some color with more of an eye-catching approach. So without further ado, here are my top five Super Bowl logos of all time:

 

5. Super Bowl XXXIX : Some may remember this one as the game Terrell Owens quickly returned from a broken leg to play in, only to fall short of leading the Eagles to victory against the Patriots. This is probably the least, in-your-face logo after the 1970's, yet it still catches the eye of fans thanks to colors that are soft yet still appealing. Also, if you have ever been to 'The Landing' in Jacksonville, this logo is a great representation of what the city has to offer, while still encompassing the grandiosity of the Super Bowl.

 

4. Super Bowl XIV : Terry Bradshaw claimed MVP honors in this affair and led the Steelers to a victory over the L.A. Rams in what would be the franchise's fourth Super Bowl title, but this logo set quite a precedence. The logos seemed to follow mostly a standard red-and-blue feel throughout the 80's and early 90's and this trend all started from this logo. For the limited technological advances in design available in 1980 compared to today, this logo is extremely creative yet simple thanks to the loop in the cursive 'B' creating the shape and feel of a football.

 

3. Super Bowl XLI : We all remember Devin Hester returning the opening kickoff in this game, only to watch Peyton Manning quiet his critics and lead the Colts to a Super Bowl victory against the Bears. The logos after 2005 seem to have taken on a more modern feel and they have either looked terrible or really made a positive impact. This is the only one of that group that I found impressive. Like the logo from Super Bowl XXXIX, the colors work together to create an appealing image while this one goes much further to grab the audience with a subtle yet eye-catching orange. Not to mention the 'I' comes to life as an endzone pylon, which is quite creative.

 

2. Super Bowl XXIX : We remember this Super Bowl for the 49ers absolutely demolishing the Chargers and Steve Young making the gesture on the sideline like he was pulling the monkey off his back. This is probably the most unique Super Bowl logo ever created. It doesn't follow the form of any other designs and you can't really tell if it's from the 80's, 90's or a recent design. The colors aren't really that aesthetically pleasing, but it's so different from any other design, which I think represents uniqueness in the city of Miami, which is where this game was held.

 

1. Super Bowl XIX : We remember this game as the match-up between Dan Marino and Joe Montana as the 49ers easily defeated the Dolphins, yet little did we know this would be Marino's only Super Bowl appearance. If I were to choose one logo to represent the Super Bowl every single year, this would be the one. With the appalling taste in clothes and design we all displayed in the 80's, it's a wonder something this impressive was created in that era, probably making this design even more impressive. It gives the football fan a feel of representing something of the upmost importance. The colors are bold and crisp and the design reminds me of a sign at the front of a drive in movie or a Broadway show.

Which logos are your favorites?

 

 

Category: NFL
Posted on: January 27, 2009 4:44 pm
Edited on: January 28, 2009 1:02 pm
 

Choosing Sides

Anyone that hasn't been hibernating for the past month knows what Sunday represents. It's the biggest game in American society and one of the biggest in the world, probably behind the World Cup, but this concept is nothing new...every sports fan already knows these things. What everyone doesn't know is which team to root for. Well, obviously, if you are a fan of the Steelers or the Cardinals, you don't really need any help in pledging allegiance to a certain sideline. There are also others who will be rooting for a certain team for monetary reasons. Besides March Madness, the Super Bowl probably brings in more gambling money than any other event. I mean people actually bet on the coin toss, which I never really understood since you can do that any point of the day and lose your money, so why pick the Super Bowl? Anyway, that is besides the point. For those of you that arent fans of either team and don't find that rush in gambling, I have done the research for you and come up with the team you should be rooting for. Don't worry, there is no hard work involved. Just think of me as the geeky guy from high school that you either payed or threatened to do your homework for you. Sit back, enjoy some brewskies, stuff your face with dip and enjoy the game.

Cheerleaders : The Arizona Cardinals cheerleaders enjoy the Arizona sun and have the opportunity to display their beautiful tans to the adoring fans at each game. I'm most certainly not an expert when it comes to design, but there outfits are quite impressive as they reveal enough to keep the men happy during timeouts, but don't reveal too much as to upset the ladies at the game or compromise their integrity. Now, normally this would just be a tie, because let's be honest, who can really say which team has the hottest cheerleaders, especially since we all know beauty is in the eye of the beholder. They are all beautiful, they can dance, they are scantilly clad ladies for our viewing pleasure. Everyone one is a winner here...WAIT! The Steelers don't have cheerleaders! How could this be? Yes, it's true sports fans. What a shame huh?

 

Advantage : Cardinals

 

Fans: The Pittsburgh Steelers probably have the largest NFL fan base behind the Cowboys, but are definitely more loyal. Every Steelers fan bleeds black and yellow and I have never met a fair-weather fan. They are all die-hard fanatics who could probably be diagnosed as obsessive and possibly borderline insane when it comes to their football. Most of them are very knowledgeable about their team and its history and have a reasonable understanding of their team's expectations each season. Now this might be because they are spoiled since I can't remember the last time they were actually bad, but hey, it's not the fans fault the organization knows the proper way to run a successful football team.

This brings me to Arizona. The Cardinals probably have the least loyal fan base in all of football as the team could barely fill the stands before it moved to the new stadium. And who can really blame them? The Cardinals are probably the most pathetic NFL franchise (historically) and the red birds have the second longest drought in all of sports when it comes to winning a championhip behind the hopeless Chicago Cubs. But the Cubs don't use that as an excuse as the insanity of their fan base can be compared to that of the Steelers. If the Cardinals fans win this, they will be excited and joyous for their team finally ending this curse, but it won't affect their every-day lives. Steelers fans are like soccer fans in Scotland. If they lose, some will go into depression, the attendance at AA meetings will increase, people will lose their jobs and an overall depression will set in throughout the city. I think you gotta root for a group of people that are that dedicated to something.

Advantage : Steelers

History (or lack thereof): The Pittsburgh Steelers have won five Super Bowls and this will be the franchise's seventh appearance in the big game. So yes, the Steelers have only lost one Super Bowl of the six they have been in, which makes for a disgustingly impressive percentage for those of us that are not Dallas Cowboys fans. And for the Cardinals, not only has the team never won a Super Bowl, this will be its first appearance in the game of all games. So no matter what happens, the players on this team have already left their footprint in the history of Cardinals football. Not only do the men of steel have five championship rings, but they are only three years removed from their last triumphant victory in Super Bowl XL when they defeated the Seattle Seahawks 21-10. And we all remember Jerome Bettis' triumphant farewell following the season. The Cardinals have none of this; only the hope of a new beginning, and we could all be witness to the turning point in a previously pitiful franchise. I think we can all agree to root for something so momentous, not to mention that America loves the underdog. Plus, the steelers have a ring for every finger...didn't their mothers teach them to share. And don't forget, a Cardinals victory could send Kurt Warner into the sunset as a football legend, being the first quarterback to lead the red birds to a Super Bowl title and the first starting quarterback to win the title with two different teams.

Advantage : Cardinals

 

Significant Others: Let's face it, the face of every team is its quarterback, but that is just boring since we have been hearing about which quarterback is better for the past two weeks. So we are going to take a look at the women behind these two quarterbacks. We all know Tom Brady has Giselle, Tony Romo has Jessica, Jeff Garcia has a hot Playboy model (I guess the word "hot" in front of "Playboy model" is a bit unnecessary) and Donovan McNabb has his momma. But who are the women behind Kurt Warner and Ben Roethlisberger? Well, Brenda Warner is probably the most well known of the two as she is outspoken, shows up to games and we all remember Kurt giving her a kiss after his first Super Bowl victory with the Rams. She has taken some ribbing for her short hair cut but has recently grown out her hair, which has accentuated her true beauty. Brenda is actually an ex-nurse, an ex-Marine and an ex-cheerleader. Now I don't know about you, but that pretty much covers the three things a woman could be...intelligent, sexy and an all around bad-ass. Oh and the two of them met while line dancing. I am not quite sure why that is relevant, but I figured it would be an interesting tid-bit to spread around the appetizer table at your Super Bowl party.

Now, Big Ben has been linked to Missy Peregrym, and I am unsure if they are still dating or on-and-off or no longer together, but for the purpose of this research, we will use her as his significant other (Sorry FP No.2). Plus if you ask any guy who Missy Pergrym is, they will respond with "Isn't that the chick Roethlisberger is with...that lucky bastard." Missy is a Canadian actress and former fashion model who made her cinematic debut in the 2006 cheerleader comedy, Stick It. If you didn't see it, let's just say she is the only reason worth watching the movie. She is probably better known for her recurring role as Candice Wilmer on the hit television series, Heroes . But what none of these facts tell you is that Missy is definitely easy on the eyes and let's face it, that is what us guys are looking for. Yes we are all dogs, but at least we are admitting to it.

Advantage : Steelers

 

Intangibles: The Steelers have it all, the rings, the Super Bowl legends, the Hall of Famers, the cool nicknames (Steel Curtain), the infamous plays (The Immaculate Reception), the over obsessive fans, the hotter girlfriends, the better beer and they even have a towel (The Terrible Towel) named after them. However, I just find it hard to root for a team that will have so many rings it needs a new hand to hold them all, a team that can't form a squad of cheerleaders, and a team that can't grasp the concept of placing a logo on both sides of its helmet.

Now, I would like to talk about all the legends from the Cardinals past, but I can't think of any and I bet you can't name any. In fact, the team's most well known player is a backup quarterback who parties more than he plays, while living through his glory years of college. And the most famous Cardinals player is probably Rod Tidwell from the movie Jerry Maguire . Ya, he's not real! But c'mon, admit it, you cried when he got that extension on live television. OK, fine, I'll admit it. I cried like a little girl who just lost her favorite doll. Don't you get it? The Cardinals were so pathetic that a movie had to be made just to bring the franchise some much needed positive recognition. If the Cardinals win this game, we will all be a glorious part of the real-life movie that uplifted the most pathetic franchise in the history of the NFL to unexpected champions. You can't make this kind of stuff up. And don't forget, the Cardinals would be the first franchise from the NFC named after a bird to win the Super Bowl. That alone makes this decision easy.

Advantage : Cardinals

 

Well folks, it looks like the Cardinals have edged out the Steelers 3-2 and they have won the hearts of the world as the team to root for in Super Bowl XLIII. If all of this isn't enough proof, how about the fact that the final score will be Cardinals 24, Steelers 17 . Call me stupid, but at least wait until the game is over. Now, if this whole idea of actual rooting for a team doesn't really apply to you, you could always consume an inconceivable amount of adult beverages, watch only the commercials and be the creepy guy that hangs out at the hours devours table the whole party. That always provides priceless entertainment. GO CARDS!!!!

Category: General
Posted on: January 20, 2009 5:16 pm
Edited on: January 21, 2009 1:54 am
 

Seeing Red

In honor of the Arizona Cardinals, my pick to win in last week's blog, reaching the Super Bowl for the first time in franchise history, I figured there is no better way to celebrate such an accomplishment than to share my top five most appealing red heads. I mean, if the Cardinals are going to be painting the town red in two weeks after shocking the world, I might as well prepare everyone for this sudden red craze. As a matter of fact, I am going to call 2009 the year of the red heads, and I don't really think anyone is going to complain...except maybe the blonds and the brunettes, but they have had reign over all which represents 'sexy' for hundreds of years now. Just like the Arizona Cardinals and Fresno State Bulldogs in college baseball have stunned sports fans with their success (both of which are red), it's time for our lovely crimson sex symbols to approach center stage. I would also like to apologize for any red head that is not included on this list as I have met plenty of women that deserve to be honored above the well known actresses in Hollywood, however, I have no choice for the purpose of my message. Don't worry, it is for the better cause of your special breed of yet unknown sex symbols. I would also like to dedicate this list to the lovely red headed ladies on JKI, which include Stacy, Dana and Cristine. And to the rest of the ladies on JKI (Jen, Annette, Nicole, Jess, Kim and Sean), please don't dye your hair red now as we love you all just the way you are. Now, on to the list....

First things first....Just falling short of my top five is Angie Everhart who must be recognized because without her, this list would not even be possible and beautiful red headed women would not be included in centerfolds or leading movie roles. That's right, after gracing the covers of ELLE and Glamour magazine, Everhart became the first-ever red-haired cover girl! She was actually told she would never be a top model because she was a red head, but she went on to appear in several issues of Sports Illustraded's swimsuit edition, the February 2000 edition of Playboy and was on FHM's 100 Sexiest Women of 2003. I don't know about you, but that sounds like a successful career for anyone, no matter what color their hair is. So, from all the red heads and men around the world...thank you ANGIE!!!!

5. Nicole Kidman (Australian but born in Hawaii; 41 years old) - Nicole has stood the test of time and she would be on this list ten years ago so that fact that she is still in the top 5 is a testament to her elegant display of real beauty. She not only represents the red reads well, but she has also proven that pale women can still be sexy in today's culture. She has escaped the identity of being the wife of Tom Cruise, which I believe has made her even more popular. And I don't think I need to explain why since we all know Mr. Cruise is a few olives short of a dirty martini. Nicole is an academy-award winning actress that has been in Batman, hosted Saturday Night Live, starred in too many classic movies to name and won a humanitarian award, but I think guys will most remember her for her role in Stanley Kubrick's last film, Eyes Wide Shut, where she...Let's just say, allowed everyone to get to know her on a more personal level.

4. Debra Messing (Born in New York; 40 years old) - Debra quickly won the hearts of America playing the role of Grace Adler in the television series, Will & Grace. Her personality complimented with her charming smile is what places her on this list. Not since Jenny Mccarthy have we seen such a perfect mix of a comforting sense of humor and welcoming beauty. She many not be as off the wall as Mccarthy, but she can easily pass for one of the guys or quickly become the desire of all the guys in the room. Recently, she has found her way onto the big screen in the very funny Along Came Polly and the flick, The Women, and not to forget she was also in The Mothman Prophecies. While Debra's on-screen resume may not be as lengthy as the other ladies, you can't check out of the grocery store without seeing her on the cover or a magazine.

3. Kate Walsh (Born in California; 41 years old) - I have to be honest. Before Gray's Anatomy, I had no idea who Kate was, but she has definitely made quite an impression in a small amount of time. And you know what, I'm not even sure if she is a real red-head, but that is definitely not a requirement for this list. Her hair is red and she makes my belt buckle shake. As far as I am concerned, there shouldn't be much more I need to say. She is probably the perfect mix of pure beauty and elegance in all of Hollywood, which is probably why Cadillac chose her to be one of the faces representing the CTS. And whether you were rooting for Dr. McDreamy (What, I have a lot of female friends!) to choose Meredith Grey (Ellen Pompeo) or Addison Montgomery (Kate Walsh), there is no debating Kate's impact on the show as she was chosen to help create the spinoff of the show, Private Practice, which is in line for another full season.

2. Amy Adams (American but born in Italy; 34 years old) - Amy is the epitome of what the natural-red head, girl-next-door looks like. Not only is she beautiful, but she portrays it in a non-intimidating way and is always seen with a smile on her face. There is a reason she is well known for playing characters with cheerful and sunny dispositions. And ladies, let me reassure you that there aren't many things sexier than a woman that is always in a good mood.
Amy has been nominated for two Golden Globe awards and has appeared in the popular films, Drop Dead Gorgeous, Catch Me If You Can, Junebug, Enchanted and Charlie Wilson's War. However, I would have to say that she found a place in my heart with her performance in Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, and I don't know many guys that would disagree with me. "Ricky Bobby is not a thinker! Ricky Bobby is a driver!" I mean that could be one of the greatest quotes in cinematic history.

1. Isla Fisher (Australian but born in Oman; 32 years old) - Even though Isla is married to Sacha Baron Cohen (yes, that is Borat) we will forgive her and pretend she is single for the purpose of this discussion. Isla is another Australian on the list that is best known for her roles in the soap opera Home and Away and Wedding Crashers. Other movies you may know Miss Fisher from are Oliver Twist, The Lookout and Horton Hears a Who . But I think she won over the hearts of America in Wedding Crashers. And don't lie, her obsessive role made her even sexier in a creepy yet seductive way. We all wanted to be Vince Vaughn when she said, "Don't ever leave me! Cause I'd fiiiiind youuuuuu!" I think all men can agree that Isla is the perfect representation of what every man wants... A lady on the street and a ....well, we all know what Ludacris says!

Honorable Mentions: Julia Roberts who is an American Icon and best known for her role in Pretty Woman, Heather Stephens who is best known for her role as Jill (The librarian) in Tomcats, Alyson Hannigan who we all know and love from American Pie, Gillian Anderson who is best known as the sexy and intelligent FBI Agent Dana Scully from the X-Files, Julianne Moore who is a cinematic icon from her role as Agent Clarice Starling from Hanibal, Laura Prepon who played Donna Pinciotti from That 70's Show and still managed to look good in those horrendous clothes, Rose McGowan who played probably the hottest bad-ass on the big screen in Grindhouse, and last but not least, Marcia Cross who is best known as Bree Hodge on Desperate Housewives.
Category: General
 
 
 
 
The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com