Philly Fans to PETA: Back Off
by Irv N. Michaels, The Pigskin Weekly Journal
If the controversial animal rights organization PETA is planning on picketing Philadelphia Eagles home games this season, they might want to reconsider, this according to a number of Eagles season ticket holders. "I will, God as my witness, knock the hippie right out of 'em." said Lou DeCarlo, a Philadelphia native and self professed lifetime Eagles fanatic. "I'll hit 'em so hard, I promise you, they'll instantly go from liberal and vegan to a right wing conservative who eats cheesesteaks."
Bobby Gamboa, a season ticket holder since 1985, says he actually welcomes a potential altercation with PETA. "You know that stunt they pull, where they throw the fake blood on you? I will wear, I kid you not, a coat made out of Siberian Husky to every game." said Gamboa. "I pray, I pray that they throw that phony blood on me. It'll be worth them doin' it just so I could pummel 'em afterwards for having done it."
Paul Jackson, a retired security coordinator at Veterans Stadium, the Eagles former home, believes the possibility of a peaceful protest without incident is unlikely. "Philadelphia sports fans, to say the least, are a passionate group." said Jackson. "I know PETA has picketed other stadiums in other cities, but I don't know that they'd be prepared for what the Philly fan would throw at them. And when I say 'throw," I mean literally. I once saw an 80-year old woman throw a Rubik's Cube at Mike Schmidt."
"I'm a union member, so I know a thing or two about protesting." said Al Jacobs, a retired plumber and lifetime Philadelphia resident. "I picketed for the workin' man though. If I go out to Lincoln Financial and see some long haired kid wearin' sandals, holdin' up a dog sign, I don't know what I'll do. Chances are you'll probably see the first ever PETA popsicle."
Representatives from PETA, unfortunately, could not be reached for comment.