Posted on: August 18, 2009 5:52 pm

Irv N. Michaels-Philly Fans to PETA: Back Off

Philly Fans to PETA: Back Off

by Irv N. Michaels, The Pigskin Weekly Journal 

If the controversial animal rights organization PETA is planning on picketing Philadelphia Eagles home games this season, they might want to reconsider, this according to a number of Eagles season ticket holders.  "I will, God as my witness, knock the hippie right out of 'em." said Lou DeCarlo, a Philadelphia native and self professed lifetime Eagles fanatic.  "I'll hit 'em so hard, I promise you, they'll instantly go from liberal and vegan to a right wing conservative who eats cheesesteaks."

Bobby Gamboa, a season ticket holder since 1985, says he actually welcomes a potential altercation with PETA.  "You know that stunt they pull, where they throw the fake blood on you?  I will wear, I kid you not, a coat made out of Siberian Husky to every game." said Gamboa.  "I pray, I pray that they throw that phony blood on me.  It'll be worth them doin' it just so I could pummel 'em afterwards for having done it."     

Paul Jackson, a retired security coordinator at Veterans Stadium, the Eagles former home, believes the possibility of a peaceful protest without incident is unlikely.  "Philadelphia sports fans, to say the least, are a passionate group." said Jackson.  "I know PETA has picketed other stadiums in other cities, but I don't know that they'd be prepared for what the Philly fan would throw at them.  And when I say 'throw," I mean literally.  I once saw an 80-year old woman throw a Rubik's Cube at Mike Schmidt."

"I'm a union member, so I know a thing or two about protesting." said Al Jacobs, a retired plumber and lifetime Philadelphia resident.  "I picketed for the workin' man though.  If I go out to Lincoln Financial and see some long haired kid wearin' sandals, holdin' up a dog sign, I don't know what I'll do.  Chances are you'll probably see the first ever PETA popsicle."

Representatives from PETA, unfortunately, could not be reached for comment.

Category: NFL
Posted on: August 18, 2009 5:45 pm
Edited on: October 10, 2011 12:52 pm

Will E. Namath-'Bama Fans Still in Recovery

'Bama Fans Still In Recovery After Utah Smackdown 

by Will E. Namath, The Ute County Daily Journal   

Percy Pusser is having a hard time sleeping.  Most nights, he lies awake for hours, unable to erase the image from his mind.  On rare nights, when he's actually able to fall asleep, he's often times awoken by the image.  31-17. 

"After the Sugar Bowl ended, I just stood there starin' up at the scoreboard.  I must have stared up at it for a good, solid hour." said Pusser.  "I reckon you could say I was shell shocked.  Lookin' back, I wish I hadn't done it.  I'm scared I might have burned it into my mind, permanent like."

Pusser is not not alone.  Legions of Alabama fans are still coming to terms with the 31-17 Sugar Bowl loss to undefeated Utah.  The upset loss, for many Crimson Tide fans, put a damper on what had been regarded, going into the Sugar Bowl, as a highly successful campaign under then second year coach Nick Saban. 

"Losin' to Florida was tough, but we knew that ol' Nick had us headin' in the right direction." said Jimmy Porter, a lifetime resident of Tuscaloosa.  "But to lose to somethin' called the Utes?  I don't even know what a Ute is!  I even looked it up on the Wikipedia!  Heck if I still don't know what a Ute is!"     

Glenda Stuckey, a resident of nearby Moundville, Alabama, claims her husband Ray nearly lost his job as a result of the Utah defeat.  "Raymond takes every loss hard," said Stuckey, "but this one was totally different." 

According to Stuckey, Ray, a Hale County bus driver, took to ranting to passengers on his daily route about Utah and the Mountain West Conference.  "He'd just carry on for hours about Utah being a fluke, and them not comin' from a real conference." said Stuckey.  "Then one day one of his passengers said that Urban Meyer used to coach at Utah, and Ray just lost it.  Stopped right there in the middle of a intersection and yelled at the guy get the you know what off his bus.  He was real lucky they didn't fire him that very day."

Time, according to Pusser, has been the toughest thing to deal with since the January 2nd loss.  "That game left just an awful taste in the mouths of every Alabama fan.  Like a turd sandwich on Rye." said Pusser.  "We just got to get back out there on that field and get to winnin' again." 

The Crimson Tide open their 2009 campaign on September 5th against Virginia Tech at the Georgia Dome.

Category: NCAAF
Posted on: August 18, 2009 5:43 pm

Lou Tolson-McDonald's Game to Have Competition

McDonald's All-American Game to Have Competition

by Lou Tolson,  The College Basketball Enquirer

Carl's Junior, for years a relative afterthought in the nation's ultra competitive fast food burger wars, will soon be challenging industry kingpin McDonald's in an arena that Ronald McDonald & Company have long claimed sole ownership of.  Starting in 2011, Carl's Junior will be sponsoring Carl's Famous Star Classic, an annual gathering of the nation's next, next best high school basketball talent.

"We're not looking for that five star, blue chip All-American kid that McDonald's is looking at." said Mick Nugent, Carl's Junior's National Director of Advanced Marketing.  "We're looking for that under the radar type kid, a kid with upside.  To use a burger analogy, we're looking for that humburger with only ketchup who aspires one day to become a Six Dollar Burger."

Nugent, who claims that the event will be a weekend long affair complete with a slam dunk contest and 3-point shootout, embraces the idea that the Famous Star Classic will be a showcase for "mid-major" talent.  "We're not McDonald's.  We're not Burger King.  Let's face it, we're not even Wendy's." said Nugent.  "North Carolina is McDonald's.  They're a Big Mac.  Duke is Burger King.  They're a Whopper.  Kentucky is Wendy's.  They're a Hot Stuffed Baked Potato with Sour Cream and Chives.  We're Gonzaga and Butler.  We're a Famous Star with Cheese and an order of CrissCut Fries." 

Though a television deal is not yet in place, Nugent is optimistic that Carl's Famous Star Classic will soon find its TV home.  "The McDonald's game is on ESPN, so obviously that's not an option." said Nugent.  "Meetings are in the works, however, with Versus and the CBS College Sports network just to name a couple.  We feel, speaking of CBS College Sports for example, that Greg Anthony and possibly that tanned guy, Parrish I believe is his name, would make an absolutely outstanding team."

Category: NCAAB
Tags: Lou Tolson
Posted on: August 18, 2009 5:29 pm

Gil Espy Archives-'Cats Coach Accused of Cheating

'Cats Coach Accused of Cheating by Former Friend

by Gil Espy, The College Basketball Enquirer

John Calipari was caught cheating at a game of Scrabble, this according to a former friend.  Merv Dingle, a used car dealer in the Memphis suburb of Cordova, contends that their friendship ended two years ago thanks to the word "quilts."

"It was a pretty close game, but I was ahead." said Dingle.  "I could see that he was startin' to get a little nervous though because tiny beads of sweat were forming along his brow."  It was then, according to Dingle, that Calipari began behaving suspiciously.  "After he spelled the word 'stab,' he put his hand in the bag to retrieve a couple of new tiles." said Dingle.  "What was odd though was that he kept his hand in the bag for a good 30 seconds, and he was movin' his fingers around a lot, almost like he was feelin' for a particular letter."  

On his very next turn, according to Dingle, Calipari took the lead for good.  "Out of nowhere, after diddling his fingers around the bag for a doggone half minute, he suddenly spells 'quilts!" said Dingle. "He got a triple letter score with the 'Q" too, so that pretty much but put the game out of reach.  I knew right then and there that he was a dirty, rotten cheat.  It was obvious that he was fishing in that bag for the 'U."

Dingle, a prominent booster for the Memphis basketball program, denies that Calipari leaving Memphis to accept the head coaching position at Kentucky played a role in his decision to out his one time friend.  "Scrabble is a game of ethics." said Dingle.  "If you're capable of cheating at Scrabble, what's next?  John leaving the Tiger program had nothing to do with me going public."

Calipari, who became the new head coach at Kentucky in early April, was unavailable for comment.

Category: NCAAB
Tags: Gil Espy
Posted on: August 18, 2009 5:26 pm

Gil Espy Archives-Memphis TV Stations to Pull Ad

Memphis TV Stations to Pull Calipari Ad

by Gil Espy, The College Basketball Enquirer

A Public Service Announcement featuring former Memphis basketball coach John Calipari will be pulled from Memphis area television stations effective June 1st, this according to the television watchdog group Parents for Repsonsible Broadcasting.  The ad, which features Calipari urging middle school students to remain in school and to focus on their studies, was pulled, according to PRB, because of the messenger, not the message.

"Fans in Memphis, including children, feel betrayed by Coach Calipari." said Faye Shull, the executive marketing director for PRB.  "Given the enormous lack of trust that kids in the area now have in Coach, it was determined that he should no longer be the one delivering this critically important message."  Starting in June, according to Shull, the Calipari ad will be replaced by a similar ad featuring Grizz, the mascot for the NBA's Memphis Grizzlies.  "Trust is a terribly important factor in the eyes of kids," said Shull, "and we feel, at this point, that Grizz represents a more trustworthy figure to them than Coach Calipari."

Calipari, who last month left the Memphis program to accept the head coaching position at the University of Kentucky, was unavailable for comment. 

Category: NCAAB
Tags: Gil Espy
Posted on: August 18, 2009 5:24 pm
Edited on: September 8, 2011 2:38 pm

Gil Espy Archives-Memphis to Send Kentucky a Bill

Memphis to Send Kentucky a Bill

August 16, 2011
Gil Espy, The College Basketball Enquirer

MEMPHIS, TN -- The University of Memphis announced on Tuesday that it intends on sending an invoice to the athletic department at the University of Kentucky for recruiting costs incurred during the final months of John Calipari’s tenure as Tigers’ head coach.    

“After sifting through several hundred pages of account records, expense reports, credit card receipts, and other billable expenses, we’ve determined that Coach Calipari spent an absolutely ridiculous amount of University money recruiting players who ultimately followed him to Kentucky," said Memphis Director of Accounts Receivables Barb O'Hurley. 

“The fact that he continued recruiting those very same players after he ditched us is the primary reason why we’re sending Kentucky a bill.”   

According to O’Hurley, expenses accumulated during the recruitment of former Kentucky standout DeMarcus Cousins, who at one time was committed to play for Memphis, will prove to be especially costly. 

"Coach Calipari himself spent a considerable amount of time and money recruiting that young man,” said O'Hurley.  "Three nights in a row, Coach ate at a 5-star restaurant, and our records show that on two of those three nights, he ordered the Surf & Turf.” 

“And we're not talking the Sizzler here,” said O’Hurley.  “We're talking a Zagat rated, 5-star restaurant…and he's sitting there ordering the filet mignon and lobster every night." 

During recruiting trips, according to O’Hurley, Calipari’s penchant for the extravagant extended beyond the dinner table.  

“In the summer, during the AAU season, Coach Calipari stayed at the finest hotels,” said O’Hurley.  “I won’t name names, but let’s just say he wasn’t holing up at a Holiday Inn Express.”

Calipari, who has compiled an impressive 64-12 mark in his first two seasons as Kentucky’s head coach, including a Final Four appearance last season, was conducting "recruit strategy meetings" at Ruth’s Chris Steak House, and was unavailable for comment.

Category: NCAAB
Tags: Gil Espy
Posted on: November 12, 2008 6:23 pm

The RiverNation Real Top Ten - College Hoops v1.0

This poll aint about who looks good in November, or who comes out on top in the EA Sports Great Hawaiian Punch Shootout.  This poll is about March!  This poll is about which teams are best equiped to win games come tournament time.  This poll, ladies and gentlemen, is about which teams have the game to leave the friendly confines of their home court, and to win ballgames away from home.  This IS the RiverNation Real Top Ten.<o:p></o:p>

  1. North Carolina - The nation's best mix of talent, depth, and experience.  Forget about Roy Williams, Roy from Siegfried & Roy could win 30 games with this roster!<o:p></o:p>
  2. Louisville - The Cards lost (arguably) their most valuable player from last season, yet they've somehow managed to get even more talented!  Jerks!  Rick Pitino might be the best coach in the nation in terms of getting his teams to peak at the right time.<o:p></o:p>
  3. Pittsburgh - The Panthers roster often times resembled a M*A*S*H unit last season, thus explaining their chronic bouts with consistency.  If healthy, this Pitt team has Final Four caliber talent and experience.    <o:p></o:p>
  4. Michigan State - Rumor has it, the NCAA rejected Drew Neitzel's attempt at an eight year of eligibility.  Nevertheless, count us among those who believe Drew's departure will make for a more athletic and better defensive Spartans club.<o:p></o:p>
  5. UConn - The Huskies probably should be a bit higher, but the RiverNation has chosen to impose further punishment on them for last season's first round tournament loss.  Thabeet is the nation's most imposing big man, but the key will be how A.J. Price bounces back from offseason knee surgery.<o:p></o:p>
  6. UCLA - How do you lose two players to the NBA Draft Lottery, and still debut in the RiverNation Real Top Ten?  Why you bring in the nation's most ridiculously talented recruiting class, of course!  Collison will be the glue that allows the newcomers to blend in.  If the kids are as good as advertised, a fourth straight Final Four is a real possibility.
  7. Purdue - Matt Painter's Baby Boilers snuck up on a lot of teams last season.  This year's squad, which returns all five starters from last year, could be Purdue's best since the Big Dog days of Glenn Robinson.<o:p></o:p>
  8. Gonzaga - The poster boys for mid-major success haven't won a tournament game since Adam Morrison and his porn star mustache led the Zags to the Sweet 16.  Led by floor general Jeremy Pargo, this could be Mark Few's best team yet.<o:p></o:p>
  9. Miami (Fla.) - Since when did The U become a basketball school?  Since the arrival of head coach Frank Haith, that's when.  The Canes return 4 starters from a team that made it to the second round of the NCAA Tournament last season...and they're our pick to finish second in the ACC.<o:p></o:p>
  10. Notre Dame - Though do-nation refers to them as the Toronto Blue Jays of College Basketball, I like their experience...nearly every player, including Big East POY Luke Harangody, well as their ability to knock down the 3.  Playing in the brutally difficult Big East will toughen them up come tournament time too.<o:p></o:p>

10.5 Duke - Their lack of success in the past two NCAA Tournaments keep them out of the Real Top Ten.  They're a great regular season team, but, in recent years, they've relied too much on the 3...and that's hurt them in the postseason.  If their bigs produce, they're a serious March threat once again.<o:p></o:p>

10.75 UNLV - Before crying "homer," let it be known that this pick is ALL do-nation.  Wink Adams is one of the best clutch players in America, and the Rebels put a ton of senior leadership on the court.  If Tre'Von Willis can flourish at the point, and if the center position can produce at all, the Runnin' Rebels will be an extremely difficult out come tournament time.


Category: NCAAB
Posted on: January 15, 2008 3:44 pm

Theriverrock's Tale of the Tape: Brady vs. Romo

For as long as there have been sports, there has been debate.  Who's the best hitter?  Who's the best pitcher?  Did Wilt Chamberlain really sleep with that many women?  It's in the great spirit of debate that I present to you the debut installment of Theriverrock's Tale of the Tape.  Because in order to settle sports greatest debates, somebody's got to break down the facts...scientifically. 

They're two of the NFL's most popular signal callers.  But who's the better of the two?  Sure it may SEEM obvious to most, but let's dig a little deeper, shall we?  So let's break it's Theriverrock's Tale of the Tape!

Tom Brady vs. Tony Romo

WOMEN: Brady dumped a pregnant television actress in favor of a supermodel.  Romo dumped a Grammy Award winning country singer in favor of a chick who played Daisy Duke, whose father encouraged her to get breast implants, and who didn't understand the concept that Chicken of the Sea was, in fact, tuna fish.  ADVANTAGE: Oddly enough...Romo

PLAYOFF SUCCESS: Tom is re-writing the record books, and appears well on his way to tying Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw for most Super Bowl victories.  Tony is re-writing the supermarket tabloids thanks to an ill-timed Mexican getaway prior to the Cowboys playoff loss to the Giants.  Looks like Tony dropped the ball again.  ADVANTAGE: Brady

LOUD MOUTH RECEIVER: Randy Moss's performance this season was "straight cash homey," after breaking Jerry Rice's single season touchdown reception mark.  That being said, would HE ever shed tears for HIS quarterback?  ADVANTAGE: Romo

OWNER: Robert Kraft leaves the football to the football people.  Jerry Jones fires the football people because he desperately wants to BE the football people.  ADVANTAGE: Brady

HEAD COACH: One is an ice cold perfectionist, a football genius who would do any and everything in order to win.  The other is Wade Philips.  ADVANTAGE: Brady

So whooooop there it is!  The facts have been broken down via science.  In a split decision, the NFL's reigning quarterback poster boy IS.....Tom Brady!  But hey's never too late, my dear, to try to sway the judging :-)

See you next time folks, and enjoy the freakin root beer!




Category: General
The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or