Play Fantasy The Most Award Winning Fantasy game with real time scoring, top expert analysis, custom settings, and more. Play Now
 
Category:NHL
Posted on: May 21, 2012 12:15 am
 

Stanley Cup Playoffs

Question: What do I have in common with the players on the Phoenix Coyotes?








Answer: Next week, we will all be watching the Stanley Cup Finals on television. 

Category: NHL
Posted on: May 21, 2012 12:07 am
 

IIHF World Cup

It’s the first day of school and the teacher thought she’d get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.

The first little girl says: “My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman.”

The next little boy says: “I’m Andy and my Dad is a mechanic.”

Then one little boy says: “My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men.”

The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school yard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.

He blushed and said, “I’m sorry but my dad plays hockey for Team USA, and I was just too embarrassed to say so.”

Category: NHL
Posted on: May 21, 2012 12:05 am
 

Brian Burke's Heaven

Two guys from Toronto die and wake up in hell.

The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, “What are you doing? Isn’t it hot enough for you?”

The two guys reply, “Well, you know, we’re from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh.”

The devil decides that these two aren’t miserable enough and turns up the heat.

The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks them again, “It’s awfully hot down here, can’t you guys feel it?”

Again the two guys reply, “Well, like we told ya yesterday, we’re from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh.”

This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Canada and finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer.

The devil is astonished, “Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves.”

The two Canadians reply, “Well, ya know, we don’t get too much warm weather up there in Toronto so we’ve just got to have a cook-out when the weather’s THIS nice.”

The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell.

The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth.

The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Canadians.

He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens. NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!!

The devil is dumbfounded, “I don’t understand, when I turn up the heat you’re happy. Now it’s freezing cold and you’re still happy. What is wrong with you two???”

The Torontonians look at the devil in surprise, “Well, don’t you know? If Hell freezes over, it must mean the Leafs have won the Stanley Cup.”

Category: NHL
Posted on: May 20, 2012 9:07 pm
 

Stanley Cup Finals Tickets

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at centre ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.

"No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?"

The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head "No. They're all at the funeral."

Category: NHL
Posted on: December 21, 2011 1:40 am
 

Hockey Fans

A kindergarten teacher tells her class she’s a BIG Penguns fan. She’s really excited about it and asks the kids if they’re Penguins fans too. 

Everyone wants to impress the teacher and say they are too, except ONE kid named Tarkus... the teacher looks at Tarkus and says, "Tark, you’re not a Penguins fan?" 

He says, "Nope, I’m a Philly fan!" 

She says, "Well why are you a Philly fan and not a Pittsburgh fan?" to which Tarkus replies, "Well, my mom is a Philly fan, and my dad is a Philly fan, so I’m a Flyers fan too." 

The teacher's not very happy. She's a little hot under the collar and says, "Well, if your mom's an idiot, and your dad's a moron, then what would you be?!

Tark says, "Then I’d be a Penguins fan!"
Category: NHL
Tags: Flyers, Penguins
 
Posted on: December 21, 2011 12:55 am
 

Hockey and Chicks

A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.  The
very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of
lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll
ask his manager about it. 

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some jerk face
wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right
behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the
other half."  The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got
yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their
feet here. Where are you from, son?'' 

" Minnesota , sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave  Minnesota ?" the manager asked.  

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up
there."

"Really?" said the manager.  "My wife is from  Minnesota ."

"No kidding?" replied the boy.  "Who'd she play for?"
Category: NHL
Posted on: September 19, 2008 7:34 pm
 

Bar League Hockey Player Profiles

There are hundreds, possibly thousands, of managers across America who
will spend the long weekend making personnel decisions in time for the
September dawn of a new season.  Granted, the majority of these managers
are in charge of teams with names like "Old Puckers", "Rusty Blades",
"Just the Tips" and "Nine-Inch Males," but don't be fooled; beer-league
hockey squads can be downright tricky to put together.  As with any
successful organization, you need the right mix, and that means drafting
from the following beer-league player categories:

Which one are you???

The Ringer
Some teams wait until the playoffs to unveil this option. Others go with
it right from the opening face-off.  Either way, without a ringer, your
team is done. The challenge for managers is convincing a good player to
suit up for a bad side. This can be accomplished a number of ways,
including promises of goal-scoring glory and awe-inspired teammates.
Most effective,
however, is let him play for free. It's simple math, really. Everyone
else pays an extra $50 and everyone else gets a shot at the "DD"
Division title.

The Young Guy
At first glance, he can easily be mistaken for a ringer, since the young
guy still wears the shorts and socks of his junior or college team. But
it's time for the next phase of life now, and that means an office job.
The young guy stays in shape for the first half of the year. Sadly, an
increasingly sedentary existence and late night partying catches up to
him by Christmas. 15 to 20 pounds later, he's just another player,
huffing and puffing with the rest. Welcome aboard, kid.

The Old Guy
Forget the 50-and-over league; that's not for him...even though his
gloves reach up to his armpits, and he still uses a wood stick. To be
fair, the old guy can be an effective player, especially if he's a wily
old guy - a hook here and a chop there, because that's how they did it
when professional athletes were real men. "Eddie Shore -- now there was
a hockeyplayer! Lost an ear against the Maroons. Sewed it back on
himself. Never missed a shift."

The Tardy Goalie
Hey, thanks for showing up. Only five minutes gone in the first. Not
like you play a crucial position or anything. Take your time, dickhead.

The Beginner
Required only for cheap laughs. On the one hand, you have to admire the
beginner. It takes a lot of courage to buy all brand new equipment, and
take up hockey in your 40's. On the other hand, learn to take a pass,
man. It's right on your stick, for Christ's sake. How does that knock
you over? And now you're friggin offside! Not to mention the Beginner
shows up at every game, no matter what time or what day.  Sunday night playoff game
at 11PM - no worries, Mr Beginner will be there.

The Complete Psycho
Also good for a few giggles . . . from afar. Most likely a cop or
fireman. The complete psycho is capable of anything: running the goalie,
challenging an entire bench, a tomahawk chop -- all in the repertoire.
Do not feed the complete psycho. He doesn't want to be fed. He wants to
hunt.  And, look to him to carry on his act in the bar after the game.

The Naked Guy
Bane of the dressing room. Most players have the courtesy to stretch
their hamstrings while sporting, at the very least, a bit of underwear.
Not the naked guy. He'll carry on full conversations, and you had better
maintain eye contact like your life depended on it....or come face to
face with the swinging sausage.

The Guy with the New Girlfriend
An excellent way to lower everyone else's fees is to load up on a few of
these. The guy with the new girlfriend will show up to three games,
tops, so his payment will contribute to everyone else's and it's not
like you'll lose ice time by putting him on the roster. That said,
beware that the guy with the new girlfriend might very well turn into
the guy with the new wife...at which point he'll never miss another
game.

The Organizer
This guy is absolutely brutal but since nobody else could be bothered to
do all the paperwork and collect the money he gets to play.  Is
frustrating to play with because they can barely skate let alone take a
pass but nobody gets mad at him cuz he's a really nice guy.  Is often
heard in the dressing room saying 'Sorry guys, that one was my fault'
and if he's lucky somebody will chip in something like 'No worries
Donny, it's a team effort.' What everybody is really thinking is 'Hey
Donny, my grandmother is a better player than you and yes you are right,
that was your fault.'  If you are lucky the Organizer is usually smart
enough to take himself off the ice in critical situations.

The Minor Hockey Allstar
Looks promising at a glance as they fool you with reasonably good skills
but after you get zero passes you'll get the picture.  This guy topped
out at 'AA' Midget and can be spotted by the huge blinders attached to
his helmet.  Play is characterized by energetic rushes down the wing,
(no passing), then into the corner (still no pass), behind the net (hey
dickhead I've been open for the past 5 minutes),then into the next
corner (everybody has gone back to the bench to watch) followed by a
blind give away pass to the high slot / break out pass for the other
team.  Cut this guy.

The Johnny Try Hard
Great to have on your team but they suck to play against because they
have somehow managed to keep themselves in ridiculously good shape. They
were probably the star on their high school hockey team and won athlete
of the year because they played hockey, volleyball and track all in the
same year.  Guaranteed they have a membership at the 'Running Room'.
Play is characterized by constant hustle which if caught off guard can
embarrass the more talented yet fatter player.

The Stanley Cup Champion
This player will raise their hands and cheer when they score.  If this
is an opposing player you must nip this behaviour in the bud by catching
him off guard with a sickening open ice hit that causes him to blow snot
bubbles. If this player is on your team quickly chastise him in front of
the other team to let them know that this is not how the rest of your
team rolls. Remind him how much of a loser he is by retrieving the puck
from the net the next time he scores and presenting it to him in front
of the other team.

The Tough Guy
This guy maxed out at the house-league level, has never been in a fight
and is characterized by antagonizing behaviour on the ice.  In extreme
cases he will 'cheap shot' another player. The fact that your beer
league does not allow fighting has given this guy a false sense of
courage.  What this guy does not realize is that this will not prevent
someone from knocking his teeth out if he cheap shots the wrong guy.
There is a number of fun ways to handle this player which all end with
him lying on the ice bleeding, looking for his teeth and crying.

The Wrong Guy
Not to be confused with 'The Complete Psycho'.  This guy shows up,
doesn't say much and pretty much flies under the radar screen. The kid
that gave him the cheap shot him will eventually look his name up on
Hockey DB after his facial surgery and realize he had 355 pims in the
East Cost 3 years ago.

The Gary Roberts
Can be described as being way too intense.  This guy is one of your
better players but is unable to adjust to the lower level of play.  At
the best of times he will try to coach players on the fly and at the
worst of times he will snap and call his entire team a bunch of
house-leaguers.  He believes the game should be played a certain way and
despises 'pond hockey' style play with no back checking or positional
assignments.  Most likely is suffering from a complex of 'unfinished
business' from his previous hockey career and is looking to capture some
shred of glory via the rec-league championship.  This guy is probably
better off playing with his own kind in a senior-A league.

CORPORATE GUY - At first glance just a regular family guy, married with
3 kids, a cush corporate job and fancy car.  Once he enters the locker
room its Party time & latest tales of bangin' broads and the good times.
PreGame beer and smoke, outrageous stories of hookers from last weekend
in Vegas, to the point everyone is crying with laughter.  This guy is
Reg Dunlop (Slapshot) meets Chris Farley, raw-raw, kick their arce,
run-up the score, the ref-beats-his-wife, non stop chatter on the bench.
Has above average talent and knows it, but is more focused on making
sure his teammates show up and enjoy themselves at the post game
festivities at the Brass Pole Ballet, always carries an extra set of
clothes in his trunk!
Category: NHL
Posted on: March 2, 2008 10:54 pm
 

CMC18V needs your help

Please vote for my team in the NHL All-time draft. Here is the link.

http://www.sportsline.com/mcc/messa
ges/chrono/6745964

 

Category: NHL
 
 
 
 
The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com