Tag:Oh heck no
Posted on: April 2, 2008 6:55 pm
Edited on: April 2, 2008 6:55 pm

It's Not Going To Happen

They thought they caught me in their little traps.  They laid the bread crumbs ooooh so nicely, and I started to follow.  When I started to back away, started to get skittish, they used sparkly objects to divert, capture and hold my attention.  They were masters at weaving a spell, of tempting me, seducing me and they almost got me there.  Got me to where I would be helpless, needy, dependent on them.   That was until I read this.  Wow, talk about being in shell shock.

For a long time I have fought even my own curiosity of fantasy football and resisted the urge for it.  I've already said that I've been known to kill Tamaguchi pets, let fully trained Furbies digress back to the start and have thrown many dead chia pets away.  If it doesn't breath, eat, and sleep, chances are, if it needs some kind of care, I'll destroy it.  My daughter entrusted me with her little egg pets, which I would take to work with me each day, by lunch, they were dead and she'd have to start all over.  When she finally got her furbies trained to speak where you understand them, she asked me to take care of them while she went on vacation to PA for a month.  I was a big disappointment to her when she returned and had to retrain her furbies all over again. 

It's easy, they told me, don't worry, you can't do anything that will hurt your team.  Okay, three different men tried to get me into three different FF leagues for the next season.  They almost had me.  They knew what would entice me.  Yeah, they almost were able to find a sucker.  Fortunately, I decided that I would start reading up, look at what the "experts" wrote up, read the blogs on FF.  It was Dave Richards blog today that had me running, screaming for the hills. 

I didn't know you needed to have a PhD in physics.  I tried to comprehend, really I did.  Okay, so I caught some of what he was trying to project for Laurence Maroney but now he's talking variances. Oh my god, I'm not John Nash, I'll never get this.  Heck, I struggled through the variance and methods, means and modes portion in stats 101. 

So I was saved in the nick of time, before I dove in with both feet, before they tried to push  Brian St. Pierre on me as my starting Quarterback (yeah, I know he was cut as the 3d string QB from the Steelers).  Before they tried to get me to draft Terrelle Pryor.  This is one fool they didn't catch in their sinister web of treachery and deceit. 

I admit it, I know my limitations, I know what I can't do, it's not something I'm going to be good at.  It's just too much for my mind to comprehend doing every week, taking the stats, multiplying them by x to the 5th power and then dividing them by pi to determine whether or not I should start Jerome Bettis that week or not. 

Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a bit, but I think I'll give it about 5 years for me to fully comprehend it before dabbling in fantasy football.  Thanks Dave for opening my eyes.

The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com