Posted on: September 3, 2008 10:40 am
 

Week 1 Its on like wet jeans.... Revised

Welcome Friends to Week 1 of Turbozo’s Football locks and wagering advice channel.  You are all probably asking yourselves, “Self, why should I listen to Turbozo for Football wagering advice”?  Well, I’ll tell you why….I’m good, I don’t just mean ‘The Pats will beat the Chiefs’ good….I mean SCARY GOOD. 

After perfecting the dangerous art of time travel in 1996, I have been working in a humanitarian capacity for some time by going to the future and making slight alterations for the betterment of our planet.  Internet Porn…you’re welcome.  GW Bush’s failed plan to end term limits for ‘Deciders’ – narrow escape there, but again…your’s truly at work.  I won’t even get into the Girls Gone Wild project…anyway my point is folks, I’m tired and quite frankly broke.  (Time travel = Very Expensive…you may not have known that)

So to recoup costs, I will simply be going back through my deftly acquired 2010 Sports Almanac each week (ala Marty McFly) and kindly enough will share with you, the good people of Northern Bloggington, the winners vs. the spread of several Football Games. 

The second question that enters one mind is obvious….what if Turbozo is being less that 100% truthful regarding his sources and prognosticational guarantees?  But honestly, who would make this stuff up. 

Lastly, Gambling is a disease and if you wager on the outcome of future events to provide or supplement income…Stop reading this Blog!!!!  Go to a meeting, get a puppy and take up an outdoor hobby, because you are probably fat as hell and sleeping on an uncomfortable couch somewhere.  Wagering on sporting events of any kind with any stakes should be a form of entertainment which adds a different facet of enjoyment to following the game.  Any thing more serious is construable as a problem.

With that out of the way, lets bricky break it down for NCAA Week #2 and NFL Week #1.

There is some easier money out there this week and I figure betting vs. the spread on a 5 game parlay will payoff nicely.  So lets lock one in for you…shall we.

Game #1 – OHIO (+34.5) – Its simple, this is a tune up game for the Buckeyes, no Wells, no scheming.  After last week they just want to get everyone back in the locker room healthy and that won’t afford a margin of this size.  24, yep…28, sure, but it won’t be a 5 TD margin. Dr. Lovelock. 

Game #2 – SAN DIEGO ST. (+20) --  Ok, this is my Anti-Fanboy alert pick.  I am a professed ND fan, but Charlie’s Angels haven’t shown me dic lately and I am not convinced they won’t have trouble winning this game, much less taking it by 20…The Amazing Lockerini. 

Game #3 – ARIZONA (NFL) (-2.5) – Kurt Warner with weapons vs. J.T. O’Sullivan and Frank Gore.  The only player doing anything for S.F. this game will be Click Clack and the Cards will take this one by more than a field goal easy.  Locktastic! 

Game #4 – NY Jets (-3) – Farve and a healthy Tomas Jones will be more than enough to take care of the Tunafish.  Pennington will need a game or two and Ricky Williams is most likely going to be the featured back.  Not enough offense for Miami and not enough defense for Miami  Jets take this by double digits.  Uncle Lockery!

Game #5 – INDIANAPOLIS (-9) – Wow, this one could get brutal.  I am sniffing a 30-3 sort of affair, but whatever it is…well beyond the modest 9pt line.  Newsflash…I do bong hits with Manning…he was never hurt.  Anyway, as a bonus for all you guys looking for better value…grab the under on this game.  Only one team will be scoring. 


That’s it folks, have fun…give the money to charity and if you feel like it, post a comment, argue with my Almanac up to game time if you want and as always….HAVE FUN…it is a game involving guessing about another game, so don’t take it too seriously in the heart or the wallet.

Your’s drowsily,
Turbozo

Category: NFL
Posted on: January 30, 2008 1:44 pm
 

Oh If I were a Patriots Fan....a top 10 List

As I sit back on this gentle Wednesday and survey my supplies for the upcoming Super Bowl Extravaganza in The Den, surely I lament a bit I realize that Wade Phillips will be again viewing the big game from the comfort of his saddled horse at home and T.O. will have to wait at least another year for everyone to hate loving him again.  And I think to myself what it must be like on the other side of the SB fence...the East Coast frame of mind...that skin bubbling knowledge that your team will take the grand stage to play for immortality.  Deeper yet, what if my team were a team perfect in record and full of those who stand alone in achievement with bars set higher than anyone has previously reached...what if I were a New England Patriots fan.  So here are the top 10 things I would do if I were a Patriots fan...

10. Begin donations to the "Keep Randy in Chowder" fund. 

9.  Demand the rights to the moniker "America's Team" from Jerry Jones, he should make me a good deal.

8.  Walk into a Schula's reasturant, order a bottle of Dom, pay and leave it unopened on the Table

7.  Sell "Mercury Morris Needs AA" shirts before the Big Game

6.  Open a Boston area resturant and have every item on the Menu reference this season (ie. 19-0 Chowder, The Perfection Platter)

5.  Divert Money from the "Keep Randy in Chowder" fund to his legal defense coffers

4.  Never tell anyone that Bill Belecheck is a robot from the future sent here to....I've said too much

3.  Hand Tom Coughlin a Video Casset titled "Defensive Play Calls" and say, "The Guys Said This Won't be Nessecary"

2.  Petition George Bush to wear the Belehoodie when the team meets him at the Whitehouse

1.  Not post a damn thing on the CBS Sportsline Message Board defending my team, because they are 18-0, have already been penalized for thier rules infraction (cheating, we can say that...its ok, it happened, its over) and are 12 point favorites to win the Super Bowl and go undefeated....they need no verbal defense, just post a link to the NFL standings as my response and move on.  If they do loose, I would take it for what it was, a phenominal season and make sure my team's front office knew how badly we wanted that nucleus back next year to make another run at it.  What I wouldn't do is give every jag-bag in the world the ability to get me riled up about what THEY said about a team I don't play on to the point that all the board is filled with are threads where a person is trying to get a desired response out of another person or persons. 

crap my soapbox is tipping and I need more ice

  TBZya later

Category: General
Posted on: January 23, 2008 1:38 pm
Edited on: January 23, 2008 1:39 pm
 

6 Ways to Sunday -- How to Revive your Superbowl

Ladies and Gentlemen, lets face it.  This year's SuperBowl matchup is chalked full of floater potential.  Ney, for a hater, I am not.  However, the Patriots will be better prepared for New York this go round than the U.S. is for an invasion by the Armed Forces of Poland. 

This truism could very well provide the main component for a hells broth of a boring sporting event.  Some Vegas Casinos now have the line for game at Patriots - BwaaHaaahaaa.  I personally do not prescribe to this idea, but in the event that I am wrong and the game is effectively over after the opening kickoff, lets examine some todo's for manufacturing a great Super Sunday.

1.  Watch EVERY SINGLE MINUTE of pre game coverage!  Why?, you ask.  Well friends of the program, have you ever watched a movie where one bad guy is complaining about a sore foot that was recently stomped on by the quick thinking hero and then the other bad guy hits him in the head with a tire iron to make him forget said foot pain.  Ergo my pre game attention...no matter how bad the game turns out to be, it won't hurt nearly as bad as being subjected to 14+ hours of "Road to the Superbowl" or "Stories of Personal Triumph" or endless "Lets Breakdown the Matchup" dribble during the day.  Trust me...pain is the best anestetic in this case.

2. GAMBLE....early and often.  "Wait TBZ, we can't promote gambling."  Bologna! and other Luncheon Meats....embrace every office pool, SB squares, friendly wager in site.  Example: Have $5 on the over/under of how many times a guy watching the game with you will need to get up to pee before there are two offensive holding penalties on the same player not in a jersey number ending with 3.  Get creative!  Now don't put your life savings on the line (since Social Security is now only for American history class), but gamble, have something...anything to get excited about, if the score becomes more lopsided than Janet Reno's upper torso. 

3. Do it Big!  This has become a common theme with current successful Rap artists and it is HIGH time is adopted by SuperBowl watchers around the world.  If you are on a couch with 2 of your friends, all rooting for the same team over a shared case of "The High Life" while making out jersey numbers on a 13' Daewoo with bunny ears, fighting about what quarter to open the last bag of Wavy Lays (plug)...you are NOT doing it Big.  Get rivalry, top shelf liquor, charred meat and HDTV in the mix...just for starters.  I want a little reverance here people.  The Den will be rocking 42' of HD Plasma with wireless surround sound, a guest list of 20+ of only the most hardy and righteous NFL fans with continuous gambling on everything including if the hired bartender will get drunk enough for nude body shots before 1/2 time (I have it on good authority from the person that took my credit card info....she will)  and smoked tenderloin complimented with a Brat Bonanza (13 different flavors) to dine on...list available upon request. 

4. Talk Football.  This is more important than it sounds.  If you are like me, you are spending the SuperBowl with old friends and probably ones you have sat through the big game with before.  Rehash memories...do some trivia, ho ho...there's an idea.  Example 1:  What was the main reason the Raiders lost SB XXXVII? (Gannon was old and tired)  Example 2 :  What name did Bob call Rex Grossman in front of Amy's 4 year old daughter half way through the 3rd quarter during last years loss to Indy? (A *&$%# smoking *&@# muscle)   This will highten the experience for all involved, reaffirm why it is important to get together for this tradition and maybe deter Bob from drinking Quervo (plug(sp)) straight until his favorite player gets a first down this year. 

5.  Make history!  This year, the big game is all about historical accomplishments.  Make your Superbowl party about the same.  Now most of you will this I am sending out invitations to consume more liquor in a 5 hour period than any other dozen people have done....YOU ARE WRONG.  Super Sunday is about the marathon not the sprint, especially where booze is concerned.  But you can go to the Guiness book of records and find many easily beatable records that in doing so will help pass the monotonous hours of Tom Brady throwing to a continuously wide open spot over the middle of the field.  As previously stated, The Den will be recording the largest variety of Sausage flavors ever cooked and consumed at one time...wanna beat me, try it! 

6.  DO NOT BLOG!!!!  Listen and listen well my dear readers...if you find yourself behind a computer screen between 1 hour before or 1 hour after the SuperBowl, you have no life and should consider sweater vest testing as your life's work.  This is no way to spend Super Sunday and despite what you may have heard, no one will care what the hell you have to say until after the Lombardi Trophey has been awarded.  Furthermore...in the history of professional sports, never has proclaiming your team's supremecy over the information Super-freekin-Highway EVER had an effect on the outcome of a game in progress. 

That being said, look for my 2nd quarter analysis blog roughly 7:30 CST February 3. 

Have a Great SB Day, only 293 hours til kick off....give or take a who cares

Posted on: January 22, 2008 2:54 pm
 

The Facts...as they stand January 22, 2008

Goodday folks.  To borrow from a mentor...as far as I know, my name is still Turbozo, and I do the news.  It has been my blood stained battle for the better part of a decade now to deal with facts and unmitigated truth.  Though often dosed in the perceptions of a warped and suspended brain, the facts are unflappably tangible and able to seen even from great distances where the sun mangles both pupil and retna. 

The facts of today are not the same as those of yesteryear.  Todays truth's are more rugged and harder to swallow without first beating your dog or taking multi side effect enducing pharmaceuticals in mass.  No longer is an ice cold gulp from the information troph sufficient to get factual evidence of the world you live in.  More and more the brass tacks of it all are burried a few hundred feet deep, often in rubble or shredded documents. 

So imagine my joy when I came out of a day dream listening to REM sing "Its the End of the World as We Know it, and I Feel Fine" and realized that the general populous of the United States are not moronic beyond all saving, that they are not so damn far from the truth that any mention of it binds their guts and groins...they simply don't care.  I'll say it again so as that the gravity of the scenario catches you, dear reader, broadside. Its the End of the World as We Know It, and They Feel Fine.  Currently (as within 4 minutes from the time you read this) a man woman or child will die as a result of the Iraq War.  Yet, check your major news outlets...they are debating the hell out Oscar Nominations...cheering or jeering a 3/4 percent rate cut, or pontificating on the lambasting prowess of Simon from American Idol. 

The average intelligent, well adjusted, educated and quasi successful American adult has carved out an island so distinct for themselves that any of the issues that will have to faced in the future (literally beyond 10 minutes aways) are filtered out, easily explained or confronted with the compacency of a distracted toddler at play.  So I will lay out a few facts for your consumption, some mild..some alarming even by the standards of a infomongering, truth addict with singed synapes and fried nerve endings. 

This years Superbowl will NOT be as entertaining as 1950's Red Scare News Reels

Truth is the First Casualty of War -- To that End the Bush administration has outdone Nazi Germany at the propaganda game (end comparison)

Paris Hilton and Brittney Spears garnered more National News Agency time and money than Afganistan and Iraq in 2007

Chickens do NOT have nuggets...this simple truth and its implications having not sunken in to human minds baffles me

Many things Run Like a Deer(e)...Impala and International Tractors are two fine examples

It used to be Illegal NOT to grow pot in this country...don't believe me, hit the books, we've fallen so far so fast

Brett Farve will retire with 1 SB ring

The World List of Money Misspenders beings #1. The United States Gov't, #2 The Chicago Cubs

Hillary Clinton will accept John Edwards as her runningmate within 6 months

Every Republican that does not get nominated for the party ticket will have a role in an upcoming adaptation of a yet to be released Dean Koontz novel alongside Jame Carville. 

Roger Clemens will not be able to save his legacy for good or ill

The NHL is doomed to the fate of sensible drug law reform....too many rich people working against it.

Jack Kerouac was born in Lowell Mass. but would still find Belicheck pretentious.

This Blog entry is over and open for discussion...

Category: General
Tags: Chicago Cubs
 
Posted on: January 18, 2008 11:29 am
 

Guess Who Called Me Last Night...

7:17pm -- I'm well into my 3rd glass of Jameson's, the Den is hazy with lingering smoke from my last tighly rolled insence stick...and the phone rings.  I know its the phone because I removed everything else from the Den that rings to avoid confusion.  Its Terrell Owens calling from California...and yes, he was crying.  Its been a while since we talked, I ask him how the ankle is doing and offer my congratulations on a great season that ended too soon.  As per usual he asks to speak with my wife, but she was in the shower.  After calming him down a bit, I asked Terrell why he was so emotional after the game and I roll another inscence stick.  "T Bizzle, (He called me that one day when we were working out in my driveway, and it just stuck),  he says, "Jamie Lynn's pregnant"  I said, "I know, wierd stuff"... Terrell just started crying again and it became obvious.  He ended the call by saying that he only regrets two things in his life, 1. Spiking the ball on the Dallas midfield star and 2 believing Jamie Lynn was on the pill... Getch Gerber Baby Food Ready. 

8:42 pm -- I dosed off watching Fox News Report while I Decide (I guess lies make me drowsy)...but before the recliner caught on fire, the phone rings again.  It was an unfamilar female voice screaming hysterically in pain with heavy bass rythms in the background.  Calmly I said "Put Pacman on the phone honey, I'll take care of this.  Strange vibrations on an otherwise unassuming Thursday night.  I opened my trusty Sucrets case, found the pill with the smoothest edges and downed it with haste.

9:26 -- I stare intently at the near empty bottle of Jameson's sure that my previously untapped powers of telekenesis will refill the decantur with more precious drink...this didn't happen and I all at once felt the sorrows of Capt. Jack Sparrow when the Rum ran out.  The phone rings again, almost on cue to lift my spirits.  I, having learned my lesson, check the caller ID-->  VICTORIA SECRETS  Damn!, Tom Brady again.  I answer, frustrated and with no time for plesantries.  "For the last Time Brady, NO! suggesting a 3-way is NOT a good means of reducing Baby Momma Drama".  I of course know this isn't true...but who has the time to deal with his crap? Please note ALL Baby Mama Drama can be easily settled by employing the wonders of a 3 way with your current woman and said Baby Mama) -- see 2girls1cup.

9:34 -- As soon as I hang up the phone it rings again.  I reach for the bong...flick, gurgle, inhale...answer!  "Hey Turbo!, it's me Phillip, are you gunna watch the game Sunday?"  *A long pause*  "Sorry, you wrong numba, you call for Chinese food...so sorry! *Click*   Freeking Rivers gets on my nerves...quit callin me!

11:00 -- I wipe the tears away after the rivetting ending to Lonesome Dove, Comanche Moon.  Even in my weakened state, the irony that we as a country can still villify Native American's for a profit is not lost on me.  I snap myself out of an introspective nose dive and remeber I have big plans for the evening...come on phone, Ring!  And it did, finally....it was Pacman, he was out front and I was ready to start my night.  I drove, not because I was sober, but Pac said his hands were aching from knocking girls around and making it rain for hours on end.  I couldn't sympathize, but Pac's got enough going on without worrying about who's gunna drive.

Talk to you soon friends, until then...send booze and breakfast burritos....it's gunna get cold. 

 

Written from Rodger Goodell's secret bunker in WWII Germany,

TBZ

Category: General
Posted on: January 16, 2008 12:34 pm
 

Depression Reigns Supreme...In The Den

The popcorn has run out in Big D.  Another season awash with agony as the search continues for Romo's protection, which inexplicably vanished in the fourth quarter.  Soaking this defeat in Rum did not do what it did for the hardy fans last year.  See, this was to be the year.  <o:p></o:p>

Now <st1:city w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Irving</st1:place></st1:city> TX has contracted leprosy and people are looking to bail out faster than Rudy Guliani's campaign staff. Garrett to D.C., Sparano to the Dolphins...Marion Barber III to <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Canada</st1:place></st1:country-region> and poor T.O., after confirming paternity of Brittney Spear's little sister's baby won't be able to make practice full time.  Jerry Jones will have to reach into his deepest pocket to make it all better in <st1:city w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Dallas</st1:place></st1:city> for 2008.  The great news is that they have 2 first round picks this spring and may even be able to trade them away in exchange for someone teaching Roy Williams how to be a cover safety.  <o:p></o:p>

In other news, my guy!, Pacman is being treated unfairly again.  Accusations of violent behavior in the wee hours at a strip club have emerged and this writer will wait for the facts before speaking too much further, but dear god man...does it matter.  This guy is a criminal and a ninny on every level.  He displays the decision making skills of a spastic ferret on speed balls.  Additionally, And I don't claim to be a subject matter expert, but if you enjoy strippers with the affinity that this man apparently does...have them come over to your place rodie!!!...they'll show up for some money...I know, I've seen them do it.  This will keep your controversial, job-barley-havin' behind in the house, where you have a much smaller chance of feeling obligated to go upside anyone's head and if you do, you will have a much more firm standing in a legal sense after doing so.  <o:p></o:p>

Real NewsThe Presidential Primary hits <st1:state w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Michigan</st1:place></st1:state> -- Appalachian State wins in a huge upset.   <o:p></o:p>

Factoidial TubloidialOnly 1 out of every 4 Lion cubs survives its first rainy season.  Surprisingly this is a higher rate of success than Lions first round draft picks surviving in the NFL after their first rainy season.  <o:p></o:p>

What THEY don't want you to know: The major issues surrounding our short comings will not be addressed before a new leader is chosen.  Looks like the <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">United States</st1:place></st1:country-region> voters and Wayne Huizenga have the same problems.<o:p></o:p>

Quote: "F*** em' if they can' take a joke!" -- My mother 1994.<o:p></o:p>

Until next time...all of my love and kisses to Jessica Alba's unborn child...I'll keep taking that test till' it comes up ME baby.<o:p></o:p>

TBZ

Category: General
 
 
 
 
The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com