Posted on: February 23, 2011 4:59 pm
Edited on: February 24, 2011 8:16 am

Is Jonny Gomes a %#@*?

I'll be honest: I've been too happy lately. I wrote something happy on the Iowa boy-girl wrestling controversy. I wrote something happy on the Alabama-Auburn rivalry. Happy is good, but I need some anger every now and then.

So thank you, Jonny Gomes. You've made me angry. See also: disgusted.

Gomes is the idiot outfielder for the Reds who on Wednesday celebrated -- celebrated -- the season-ending, possibly career-ending elbow injury of Cardinals pitcher Adam Wainwright announced hours earlier.

According to our blog here, Gomes was walking through the clubhouse singing -- singing -- "Wainwright's gone, Wainwright's gone!"

That's the kind of thing a seventh-grader does and then is immediately, thoroughly and possibly painfully admonished by older teammates that you never, ever celebrate another player's injury.

Gomes is a big-leaguer. An adult. And he was surrounded, presumably, by other big-leaguers, other adults, in the Reds clubhouse. If any of those adults immediately, thoroughly and painfully told Gomes to shut the hell up, it wasn't reported in the blog.

So shame on Gomes, most of all. But shame on the Reds for not policing him right away. They'd better get on that, pronto, or this PR disaster will escalate.

Meantime, the Cardinals and Reds play on April 22 in Cincinnati. Gomes had better be in the lineup for Cincinnati, just to pay the price. And when he's hit with the first pitch he sees -- on the shoulder or leg, let's hope -- Gomes had better not even look at the mound or the Cardinals dugout.

Walk your ass to first base, Jonny Gomes, and do what you should have done Wednesday afternoon: Keep your mouth shut.

UPDATE, Wednesday 6:32 p.m. So apparently Gomes is now saying that he was misquoted. That he wasn't singing about Wainwright's injury, but that he was merely asking about it. Let me tell you something: He was heard, and quoted, BY A BLIND MAN. The reporter is Hal McCoy, a Hall of Famer to boot, who has been legally blind for years. And you know what happens with blind folks: Their sense of hearing goes through the roof. So am I to believe that McCoy's above-average hearing mistook Gomes' curious question for a happy song? No. I don't believe that, because while Jonny Gomes may well be an idiot, I'm not.

UPDATE, Thursday 8:14 a.m. Well, now the reporter who detailed Gomes' happiness -- Hal McCoy himself -- has removed that passage from his original report and apologized. McCoy now writes, "If [Gomes] says he was singing something else then I have to believe him and thoroughly regret writing about it." What a ridiculous story, from start to finish.

Category: MLB
Tags: Cardinals, Reds
Posted on: January 27, 2011 2:50 pm

Marlins still good for a giggle

The Marlins are a Mickey Mouse operation, or would be if they were lucky enough to be in Orlando. Instead they're in Miami, where it rains every day at precisely 4 p.m., scaring away walk-up ticket sales. Not that it's all that dry in Orlando, come to think of it ...

But the Marlins have done it again, Marlin-ing themselves into the news -- the only way they get into the news -- by allowing their stadium to be busy during a June 24-26 home series with the Mariners. Because U2 is coming, and because the Marlins don't have the pull or the stones to make U2 reschedule, the series will move to Seattle. The irony is, U2 isn't even arriving until June 29. But the group needs time to set up its stage and so forth, and the Marlins are in the way.

I hope the Marlins play 78 games at home next year, and 84 on the road. Would serve them right.

And it's not like Miami cares. Until the retractable-roof stadium is ready in 2012, Miami is too busy ducking rain and killing cockroaches to go to a baseball game.

Category: MLB
Tags: Marlins
Posted on: January 21, 2011 10:09 am

Bonds' stooge, Anderson, weirds me out

At first, Greg Anderson's loyalty to his childhood friend was impressive. Rather than testify against Barry Bonds in the federal steroids probe, he went to jail for him. Whatever you think of the facts of the case -- and it's fairly apparent that Bonds is the bad guy in all of this, which means Anderson is being loyal to a bad guy -- that loyalty was impressive.

Was, I say, because now it has become creepy.

Anderson is in prison now, and will stay in prison for weeks or months, as Bonds' trial unfolds. It begins today as Bonds' lawyers seek to have key evidence against Bonds thrown out because, without Anderson's testimony, the evidence is -- legally speaking -- garbage.

Meantime, Anderson sits in prison. Again. He has been in jail off and on since July 2006. He has a wife. Not sure if he has kids, but definitely he has a wife on the outside, waiting for him, while Anderson shows that the No. 1 person in his life, his top priority, is Barry Bonds. Not Mrs. Greg Anderson.


On top of that, the federal government is using its frustration with Anderson, and its legal muscle, to go after Anderson's wife and his mother-in-law in a tax probe. Say what you want about the government's strongarm tactics, but my point is this: Anderson isn't just leaving his wife alone -- he's putting her, and her mother, in legal jeopardy.

All because of Barry Bonds.


Category: MLB
Tags: Barry Bonds
Posted on: August 11, 2010 4:05 pm

Typical baseball fight: Everybody lost

Baseball players can't fight. Nor can they talk. And when they fight and then talk?


That's what Tuesday at Great American Catfight Park was: pathetic.

Brandon Phillips was pathetic for thinking he could tap Cardinals catcher Yadier Molina on the shinguards with his bat, one day after calling the Cardinals -- including Molina, presumably -- "bitches."

Cardinals manager Tony La Russa was pathetic for running out there in his baseball uniform, looking for all the world like my grandpa in pajamas, and talking tough.

Reds pitcher Johnny Cueto was pathetic for slashing out with his spikes -- literally turning his feet into a pair of churning knives -- as he was pushed up into the netting behind home plate.

And Cardinals pitcher Chris Carpenter was pathetic for saying afterward of Cueto's kicking, "It's unprofessional."

And what part of a baseball brawl is professional, Chris? See my point there? Idiot.

Baseball players can't fight. Period. And they shouldn't talk. Ever. Just play your 162 games, inject your steroids and shut the hell up.

Category: MLB
Tags: Cardinals, Reds
Posted on: November 30, 2009 8:35 pm

Those Sizemore pics were stolen? Suuure they were

Idiot. He's an idiot. That's really all I have to say, but I'll add this: When you're an MLB star, you don't have to take naked, or near-naked, photos of yourself to impress the ladies (or the men). You're a freaking MLB star! You idiot.

I mean Sizemore. He's the idiot. Total freaking moron.

And my body's better anyway.
Category: MLB
Posted on: September 2, 2009 5:56 pm
Edited on: September 2, 2009 7:18 pm

Nine men, one stick. No, not that kind of story

It's a baseball story. And a superstition story. And just a really neat story, if you want to know how I feel about it.

It happened a few days ago in Dayton, home of the Reds' Single A Dragons farm club. The Dragons had been slumping on offense, with 10 runs in their previous five games, when clubhouse manager Corey Brinn remembered an idea he'd seen on, which highlighted the Angels' unusual strategy in 1999 to combat a slump by using the same bat. All nine players. It worked, after a stumble out of the gate. Angels leadoff batter Orlando Palmeiro was called out on strikes to start the game and laid the bat on the plate for the next hitter. The umpire, thinking he was being shown up, ejected Palmeiro. After Angels manager Terry Collins explained the situation, the umpire reinstated Palmeiro.

Anyway, that was Brinn's idea for the Dragons: Nine players, one bat. He told Dragons hitting coach Tony Jaramillo, and then was almost horrified that Jaramillo took him up on the idea.

"I was extremely nervous it would flop," Brinn told me.

No worries. The Dragons' leadoff batter, Alexis Oliveras, hit the first pitch of the game for a double. Cody Puckett picked up that bat and followed with a hit. So did the Dragons' No. 3 hitter, Tony Brown, scoring Oliveras for a 1-0 lead.

And so it went. Inning after inning, hit after hit, run after run.

The only down side came in the eighth inning, when Dragons catcher Kevin Coddington shattered the bat on a groundout to short.

"I couldn't believe it," Coddington says. "I felt sort of sick, and when I got back to the dugout, everyone was razzing me pretty good. 'How could you break the bat?'"

No problem. The slump was broken, too. Even with a new bat, the Dragons would hit two more home runs to finish off their 10-6 victory against Lansing.

Category: MLB
Posted on: August 28, 2009 10:10 am

MIlton B. isn't pissing me off. I'm the only one

Here I go again with my finger firmly on the pulse -- I said pulse -- of America.

Rick Pitino does his thing with the media the other day and everyone hates him for it ... except for me. Michael Beasley seeks treatment for depression, and everyone loves him for it ... except for me.

Now, Milton Bradley.

Everyone thinks he's a ginormous a--hole. The Chicago Sun-Times blasts him on Thursday. The Chicago Tribune says he should be released on Friday. Mike Freeman is writing today on Milton Bradley and will rip him a new earhole. I said earhole.

But me? I'm wondering what everyone's problem is.

I mean, I get the general problem with Milton Bradley. He has been a buffoon for years, angry and inappropriate and all of that. But his latest transgression was, basically, this quote:

"It's hard to be comfortable when you don't get a hit and get booed every time," he said. "When I go home and look in the mirror, I like what I see. My family is there. I have people I can talk to who are very supportive, in spite of everything and all the adversity and the hatred you face on a daily basis."

Does he come across as sensitive? Sure he does. But I've never understood why the home crowd would boo a player for anything less than maximum effort. If a guy isn't hustling, by all means hammer him. But if a guy isn't hitting well enough? Leave him alone. Support him. You do want him to succeed, right? Don't made it harder by jumping on his back, home crowd.

Bradley was basically saying he doesn't feel supported at home, and I understand his frustration. What I don't understand is everyone else's fury.

Category: MLB
Posted on: August 5, 2009 3:05 pm

Prince Fielder wasn't fueled by 'roid rage


I mean, there's no way steroids are to blame for his absolute lack of decorum and composure and sanity? Is there?

Actually Prince Fielder ought to hope that some people blame his meltdown Tuesday night, when he tried to charge Dodgers pitcher Guillermo Mota 15 minutes after being hit by a pitch -- making the charge at Mota inside the Dodgers' clubhouse -- on something as basically simple as 'roid rage.

Because the other options are these:

1. Fielder is a raving lunatic.

2. The whole thing was a front, for show, for street cred.

None of the options is very good, which is why baseball needs to suspend Fielder and make it hurt. It's one thing to charge the pitcher on the mound during the game. That's bad, but it happens -- and more to the point, it is accepted in baseball. Whatever you think of it, and I happen to think it's punk posturing run amok, charging the mound is allowed.

Charging a clubhouse door is not.

Fielder can't get away with this. I don't care if it's been done before, by other players, in the past. It cannot be done now. And it cannot be done ever again in the future.

This is baseball. Not a bar brawl.

Fielder should pay. Ten games, maybe more.

And pee into a cup, son.

Category: MLB
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