Gregg Doyel

Let me ask you a serious question. If your wife and kids were physically threatened, would you try to protect them by going to police? Or would you just tell reporters from out-of-state newspapers and hope the threats were bogus? I'm not calling Rich Rodriguez a liar but ... oh. Right. The headline. I guess I already did.

Speaking of reasonable questions, here's another one: Does Mike Mussina's career become Hall-worthy when you consider he did it clean (he says ... and we agree) in a dirty era?

Speaking of the Yankees, here's another one: They changed the name of their spring home from a legend to a buffoon.

As if that crafty Coach K needed any help, he has been getting ideas from his time as the U.S. Olympics coach and using them to help Duke overachieve this season. Was that a nice sentence about Duke? By golly I believe it was.

Darius Miles can't make a basket, but he can still make it rain. I think I despise Darius Miles. And Dennis Dixon, pick a new role model you impressionable little knucklehead.

Holy crap I read this headline and I thought Zach Thomas died.

Turns out Thomas is alive and well, though he's about to make a date with the devil. The devil wears a hoodie.

Indiana is now officially trying to find a reason to fire Kelvin Sampson. I kind of thought Indiana already had that reason, but whatever. Any effort to replace Sampson with Mr. Clean, Dan Dakich, is a step in the right direction.

Pssst. Indiana! Here's your reason.

WEC welterweight champion Carlos Condit would like to unify his belt one day with the UFC champion. Part of me says that's like a member of the Durham Bulls wanting to face Johan Santana. But part of me thinks Condit can compete at the highest level.

What deranged loser would get in trouble with police in Portland and think it's a good idea to tell the police he's Zach Randolph?

Pro sports are so crazy now that even the team officials who do nothing but negotiate contracts need an agent to negotiate their own contract.

Nice gut here on Red Sox ace Josh Beckett. He's more and more like the Babe every day.

Dud alert: Hollywood is thinking of making that steroids book on Barry Bonds -- which reads like a college science text -- into a movie.

USC guard Daniel Hackett is out for the season, but this time it has nothing to do with O.J. Mayo. I think.

 How big of a sleeze do you have to be, as a player, for Kelvin Sampson to kick you off the team?

 If you didn't watch the big WEC card last night -- and you didn't; nobody has Versus -- you (we) missed one hell of a show.

Here's a lovely picture of the chokeout move in the WEC's main event.

Why does the NBA bother to have an Eastern Conference? Just contract, eliminate half the league's teams and let the best of the West -- which is to say, the best of the best -- have it out for the NBA title.

Every week brings another news item that makes the Eastern Conference even more irrelevent. You had the Lakers outflanking the Bulls for Pau Gasol. Then you had Miami trading Shaquile O'Neal to the Suns, and while the Heat got Shawn Marion, they won't have him for long. Soon he'll get out of his deal and come back to the West.

Now you have the Nets trading Jason Kidd to Dallas for Devin Harris, who is a nice player but will never be a star.

This is in addition to Portland and Seattle winning the last draft lottery and landing Kevin Durant and Greg Oden. And Denver's acquisition of Allen Iverson from Philadelphia.

Good thing the Celtics traded for Kevin Garnett. Otherwise we'd be looking at Cleveland enduring another Western Conference sweep of the NBA Finals, against Portland or Dallas or Phoenix or Los Angeles or New Orleans or San Antonio.

Or Utah or Denver or ...

I'm watching Roger Clemens get eviscerated on television, and I have to tell you, this is hard to watch. It's like watching a boxer get his teeth knocked out and his eyes puffed beyond recognition and his nose smashed ... yet he refuses to go down, and nobody will throw in the towel.

Clemens looks so guilty. He looks so bad. This is like watching a car crash. I can't stop looking, but it's making me nauseous.

 Can't-miss NFL prospect Calvin Johnson whiffed like Pete Incaviglia.

Wow. The Milwaukee Bucks' head coach just called out his team  for being selfish. Impressive.

The Big Ten Network = not very good.

Thus far David Beckham has been a waste of MLS' money.

Alcohol ruined Keith Closs' time in the NBA, but he wants another chance.

Two of the more intriguing guys from the latest season of The Ultimate Fighter are going to get it on. (I mean, they're going to fight.)

Cro Cop is leaving the UFC already? In like a lion, out like a loser.

UFC newcomer Tom Boetsch turned one clutch performance into a career.

The former Michigan State basketball player, now 32, hasn't played organized football since eighth grade. Which doesn't count. Which means he's never played organized football at all. And now he thinks he deserves a shot at the NFL? Who does he think he is?

He thinks he's an NFL player, of course. And God love him for that.

This is a story to root for. How many times have you seen a guy like Smith -- a huge, muscular guy -- and his body has gone to seed or he didn't have the drive or heart or toughness or whatever, and in his late 20s or early 30s he's basically finished as an athlete? I see it on occasion, and every time it ticks me off. I'm thinking: If I'd been born with that body, I'd have done more.

No one will ever say that about Antonio Smith. He gave professional basketball a lengthy shot despite being a short center, and now he's going to give the NFL a try as an old tight end. Whenever Smith finally retires from pro sports, he'll know he gave it his all.

Unlike John "Hot Plate" Williams, Todd Marinovich and tons of other big, athletic guys who didn't deserve the great bodies they were born with.

I'm getting mad again. But then, I'm 5-foot-10, 165 pounds. I have a lot to be angry about.

Lots of college football coaches sign more players than they have scholarships for, but seven more? That's Nick Saban for you. He just signed 32 players but only has 25 slots. He either figures seven of his dummies won't qualify, or he he'll just yank a few scholarships between now and August. Either way, he's a snake.

Earlier in his NBA career, Gilbert Arenas was convinced to shave ... down there. And didn't like it. What an idiot -- not necessarily for doing it, but for admitting it.

Even if the Phillies beat Ryan Howard in arbitration, they would lose.

Jose Canseco says someone is lying in the Roger Clemens-Brian McNamee standoff. And at risk of sounding like those cheesy ESPN News anchors ... you won't believe whom he's calling the liar.

The new owner of the Cubs sounds like a dirty old man. Gross.

Ball Four author Jim Bouton was roasted, and it got nasty. As a kid, I read Ball Four. I know, I know -- that explains a lot, doesn't it?

Turns out the Babe was the first baseball player who dealt with rumors of illicit drug use. No, not that Babe.

Terrelle Pryor hasn't even signed yet -- pick a school already -- but already the next Terrelle Pryor has been identified from the class of 2009. And Rich Rodriguez is trying to get him as well. Greedy.

Oh my Lord, Randy Couture's wife is going to start fighting now.

Fedor has reduced himself to fighting in this garbage event, where he beat three men in less than three minutes combined.

Did you see that steaming hunk of crap coming from Pat Knight's, er, mouth in this story here about replacing his father at Texas Tech?

Unbelieveable. I believe the money quote comes when Pat says, "I don't think I would have been able to live with myself if I'd taken a different route, maybe a safer route, try to go to a smaller school or work it that way. Really, I just thought 'What the heck, I love it here.'"

What smaller school is he talking about? Every smaller school says no to Pat, who tried to get the head coaching jobs when they were vacant at Wright State, Fresno State, New Mexico State and Loyola (Ill.) See, in the coaching community Pat Knight is known as something of a silver-spooned knucklehead.

So don't act like you did anyone a favor, Pat. You had no other options. You never have had any other options.