Tag:hanky panky
Posted on: June 3, 2008 1:57 pm
 

Getting Blown ...Off

Reading Smorgie's lycanthrope blow off technique really made me laugh and I thought about some of the excuses I have used to get guys to stop bothering me in bars.  The run of the mill stuff sure, period, herpes, married, aching to get married, you know the lines guys.  I really haven't come up with too many creative blow-off techniques, certainly no sure fire ones that work no matter what. But I know there are some hard core daters out there on both sides of the blow off who can share their most sure fire weapon or share one that was used on them personally.  One that was so original that you just had to respect her for its creativity and originality.

One to get us started....(not a very good one) .... I was sitting in bar minding my own business when my third hit  of the evening presented himself.  He rather politely said, " Excuse me, I hate to bother you..."   And I interrupted with a curt, "Then don't."  Ouch, that was rude of me but I was not in the mood for passes that evening.  To that polite fellow, sorry about that.

Anyway, I know you can do better than that.

AV

Posted on: May 27, 2008 8:56 am
Edited on: May 27, 2008 6:40 pm
 

I need help choosing my new cup size...A,B,C or D

The time is drawing near.  A time so long and far into the future I could not imagine it actually getting here.  But on Friday I head to the plastic surgeon to discuss my reconstructive surgery.  Before my cancer, I was a D-cup.  I have lived most of my life with big breasts and they had become a part of my identity whether I wanted them to or not.  Living without after my cup had runneth over has been an eye opening experience in many ways-both positive and negative.  For a time I felt very inadequate and extremely self concious.  Natural to feel this way after so drastic a change to my health, physical and mental.  But the docs have giving me the go ahead to begin the process of reconstruction.  I am so excited to writing a late if not final chapter in the book of my cancer and look forward to getting on with normalcy. 

But I have a problem, I am not sure what size I want to be for the rest of my life.  I am 37 years old, 5'9" and 122 lbs today.  I am tall, athletic and muscular in build.  I am thinking of something smaller.  Perhaps a full B or smaller C cup.

But everytime I decide, I change my mind again.  So I need some help guys and gals.  Opinions please.  Pros and cons. Go big or small?  Or perhaps follow Baby Bear's advice and find something that is just right.

Thanks,

AV

Dear Trolls,

F.O.A.D. - thank you.

Posted on: May 26, 2008 6:14 pm
 

First round of the season...AMEN!!!

There is something so wonderful about stepping out on the links for the first time each year.  The protracted layoff caused by winter and a little mishap with gravity caused my first round to come on Memorial Day this year instead of early April.  But finally the cast was removed, the ok given by my doctor, a fair golfer himself and certainly one to know the curative powers of spring, so the tee time was booked.  Two long time partners and a new one were on tap for this first round and the usual wagers were bandied about.  Playing early with the dew still on the grass, the gnats buzzing, the joints as stiff as possible, our foursome bravely walked to the first tee.  We were stubbornly going to walk our 18 in the muggy morning.  Now this course is not long and not particularly challenging either, so it would serve to be an adequate test after nearly 9 months off.  We are playing partner best score, match play for lunch.  Big stakes!

My first hole was a dogleg left at only 330 yards.  A crisp 3 wood to the dogleg, followed by a pitching wedge deep in the green. A two putt par.  Great start, we are one up.  Look at the geese herding their goslings. So quiet here this morning.

Number two, however, was not so kind.  An ugly pull hook into an unplayable lie.  Stopped the body and swung with my arms.  Made a mess of the easy par five, but salvaged a bogey with a 12 foot putt up the hill.  A push, no blood.  The lavender is in full bloom and it is so wonderful to smell, I don't remember the long walk to the next tee.

A long par four, my first driver.  Whoa! What happened there!  Right down the middle.  A shot into the middle of the green and another boring 2 putt.  90% of putts left short never go in, right? Two up

Number four, a delicate short three par.  I hit the big ball before the little ball (Earth).  A rusty bogey.  We give one back.  The maples are dropping their helicopter seeds in the light breeze, they twirl gently to the ground with the slim hope of finding purchase in some perfect soil the course superintendent doesn't notice.

Another par at five, another putt left short.  The deer acknowledged my effort but were not impressed, back to munching in the adjacent field.  I dislike arrogant herbivores don't you?  Thanks to the poor play of our opponents we are back up two.

Number 6, another par five, played conventionally.  Tee shot into left rough. Iron into right rough.  Deep into the green, but the birdie burned the edge.  Got that one to the hole, at least.  The fish in the pond splashed his good morning as we walked back across the bridge.  The bullfrog gallery gave a smattering of cheers.   No blood again, still up two.

Number seven saw another straight drive.  Maybe I need to be in a cast more often?  Uh oh, caught that one thin.  As in hit it in the mouth about the equator. Over the green, an ugly double bogey from 125 yards.  Maybe I need my head in a cast.  I could be afraid to take a divot with the newly mended arm - but who needs an excuse, not me. Up one again.

A nice par three on eight and nine and we close the front one up.  I shoot +4.  Simple game.

On toward the back nine.  A pulled tee shot. A shut face 7 iron hooked around a tree that runs onto the green.  Par and again we are two up.

A poor tee shot on the par 5 eleventh into the right hand trees.  A chopped out 3-wood with a slice and I am 180 out.  Bear down and make a good swing.  You got this girl.  A solid 5 wood into the heart of the green, a lip out.  We are three up.  I hear some chatter among the men folk. Tune it out and step on their .....

My partner knocks it stiff on twelve and we are four up. A big snapping turtle is sunning himself on the cart path.  He winks at me.  He knows that spring is magical.

My turn, I hit a solid 8 iron to 10 feet and sink my first birdie of the season. We are five up and dormie.  I love saying "We are dormie."  Has a nice ring to it.  More lavender, simply enchanting. The wind even blows the gnats away.

We push fourteen for a 5 and 4 victory.  The lambs to the wolf.  I know where we are going for lunch.  I got pretty tired over the last five holes and bogeyed 4 of 5 for a 79  and +7.  Not a great round, something to build on.  But it was oh so special in so many ways.  My first round of the season.  My first round after a broken arm.  My first round after breast cancer.  My first round with my new special friend.  Most of all it cured my spirit of a longing to be out there in the green grass among the flora and fauna.  I think I smelled every flower along the way. Heard every sound.  And I did not say a single bad word all day!  Though that bladed shot on seven tested my willpower.

I think it was Bobby Jones who said, " Take the time to smell the flowers on the course of life, because you only get one round."

I agree.  Today will be memorable for me.

This blog is in honor of our brave servicemen and women...I hope you played this round in your minds as you read it and it helps you through your day until you can tee it up in the future.

AV

 

 

Posted on: March 23, 2008 10:09 am
 

Let's play 20 questions...with AV and YOU

A recent blog talked about the new game show where they ask you embarassing questions while you are hooked up to a lie detector machine.  The more questions you answer correctly the more money you win.  I enjoyed "E's" blog and wanted to build on it with you minions out there. 

The Rules:

  1. Answer any question previously posted in the blog HONESTLY (I am the Lady of Blind Justice and will also be executioner)
  2. Provided you followed Rule 1, you now get to ask another Yes-No question.   
  3. You must answer your own question and provide circumstances.
  4. I will answer your question honestly and so can anyone else so that they may ask a question.
  5. Good taste prevails always.  Edit yourselves so I don't have to.

The first question:

Have you ever lied to a member of the opposite sex to avoid going out on a date with them?

Yes.  On many occasions I am afraid.  Mostly the cocky ego laden boys who think they are Gods gift to women and treat me like a conquest.   I have been brutally honest with these guys before, but the drama that ensues is not worth the pleasure, fragile egos crumble into a million pieces. Invariably I am called a bad name.   So I lie to them and tell them I am a lesbian or that I want to get married and have babies or some other terrible story to make them flee.  I like to see if I can get them to leave skid marks.  I know, I am terrible!!

Next Question

 

Posted on: March 20, 2008 6:02 pm
 

Where's Waldo Been In This World?

At the special request of one of my most ardent supporters, another question for the men and women of this board.  Lovin' in elevators, backseat of your ole man's Ford, behind them bushes, in the park, the kitchen table, your parents room, in a hospital bed (with or without the nurse), at school, in your son's tree house, your office, the mall, a mile high.....where ever you have had the gumption, the kahonis, the urge, the surge, the 'mones....what is the most outrageous place you have had sex.....and so help me God the first person who says' "Up the butt" will get a deletion so fast you'll wonder if you actually hit the submit button......Circumstances are helpful in scoring your post.

For me the most outrageous is in a movie theatre...I dated the owner...and we had some after hours showings.  Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more.....

AV

Dare I say keep it clean?

Posted on: March 17, 2008 5:01 pm
 

Caress me, kiss me, when and where?

The first time.  Starts with a glance, a coy look, a smile, a stare.  The time was right.  Who knows why now is now.  Mom and Dad are away.  The mice will play.  The hormones are surging.  It is so hot in here.  Caution is thrown to the wind and the sparks fly.  We all have our first time memory.   The circumstance, the location, the person you were with were all memorable.  The sex on the other hand was probably closer to forgettable. 

For the girls it is often a disappointment, over a little too fast for us and then there is all that poking around before hand.  No not there.  No. No definitely not THERE. Yeah OK there.  Where are you going?  What do you mean your done?

How about you fellas?  Let's be clear.  I want honesty.  No tales of manliness lasting deep into the evening. The poor girl begging for you to let her catch her breath.  The endless phone calls from her pleading for your return.  I want you to tell me about all 43 seconds in as much detail as proper editing can allow on this website.

Furthermore, I want to know .....was it serendipity?  Or your long time boy or girl friend?  Was it romantic or just overwith?  Who was it with? The baby sitter, the neighbor, the nanny, your cousin...let's hear it all including your age and your partner's age.

Let the lies begin......my BSometer is calibrated...so I will know....

 

Posted on: March 12, 2008 7:03 pm
 

Guilty Pleasures Two - Come (Clean) Again, Boys

When I have had a man around the house I must admit I have put on his button down shirt when he was not home.  It smelled wonderful and made me think devilishly about previous events.  Later when he came home I modeled it for him.  Ofcourse I never buttoned it all the way up, letting the top edge of a lacy bra peek out here and there.  They have all loved it and I have to admit I found it sexy and a turn on.  Just writing this now ... mmmm...... or is it a purrrr?  I have to admit to even wearing my man's boxers, though they were a little loose, and those were sexy too.  So as I thought about it and how sexy I found it to be, it occurred to me that men may get the same guilty pleasure if the shoe were on the other foot, so to speak.

You remember.  You're alone.  No one is coming home for hours. There it is at the foot of the bed.  It is calling to you.  Remember last night.  Yeah, you remember.  A quick touch.  Soft.  Almost still warm.  Shiny and smooth. Glance around.  You are alone, I assure you.  Go ahead, touch it again. It is only a bra.  Silky and lacy. You pick it up.  You fondly fondle it.  How silly I must look? No, no you don't.  Go ahead. You hold it up.

Now for the question.  Have you ever put it on?  Maybe not hooked it, after all 34 inches is way too small to go around your chest.  But have you put your arms through the straps?  How did you feel?  Sexy or silly.  It was only you alone with her bra...it won't tell.

Now that was alone time....have you ever modeled your ladies garmets for her?  This is what I want to know.  How does a man look in a teddy or bustier....  I am not talking about trannies or other perversions....just married or committed couples getting crazy in the privacy of their own bedrooms.   I have been to Brazil and seen a thong on a man at the beach - not attractive at all. 

Please make yourselves comfortable on the couch....

The Doctor is in.

AV

Posted on: March 12, 2008 1:59 pm
 

Guilty Pleasures...time to come clean boys

Now I have to be honest.  I love a good action flick.  And I even like a good horror movie every now and again (different kind of movie, Spitzer!).  But is there anything better than a good ol' fashioned chick flick, filled with Kleenex moments, a plot so thin it makes Kate Moss look bloated, and every stereotype of homely girl meets Prince Charming and they live happiliy ever after as a result of one single longing stare, followed by a searingly  hot kiss that would melt any ice princesses heart, cue the music, and this baby is almost in the can... and cut!!

For me, I love tear jerkers, sad and happy endings, passionate kisses before the credits, cute guys dumping the beauty and the bee itch for the proper girl with the morals (even if the starlet playing the role is on her 3 stint in rehab - this is fantasy here).  I would name the following as some of my favorites:

  1. Titanic
  2. Terms of Endearment
  3. PS I Love You
  4. Pearl Harbor
  5. Hope Floats
  6. Pretty Woman
  7. Unfaithfully Yours
  8. and many more....

Now I want to know from you real men on this board.  Are you closet chick flick lovers or do you just go along so we ladies will think you have a soft underbelly?  I am betting there are some guys who secretly love chick flicks.....sort of a chick flick Rick so to speak.

So what are your favorites boys....don't be bashful....I know you have a soft underbelly.....

tell AV all about it.....

 

 
 
 
 
The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com