We, the mighty Los Angeles Lakers, would like to apologize to these United States of Americas for being choking goats.
We were once the organization of greats. We had names like Magic and Kareem. Now, we couldn't beat the New York Knicks.
We once knew how to close out teams, how to live up to expectations, how to grab greatness by the loins and squeeze. Now, we're a shell of ourselves.
We once had a team idiots like Mike Freeman stated would beat the Boston Celtics in seven games. Now, we've made many media members look like fools and foofs. Or FOOFS. Or phoofs. Whatever. You get the point.
We, the once mighty Lakers, have a player people compared to Michael Jordan. But would Jordan lose a Game 4 that way? If you believe that you are also a foof. Or FOOF. Or phoof.
Kobe Bryant is not Jordan. He's Ko-Me. Most of all, he still hasn't won a ring without Shaquille "Two Biscuits and Gravy" O'Neal.
Phil is being out-coached. He acts like he's in Vinyasa yoga class instead of the NBA Finals. The Europeans are surrendering again and Paul Pierce looks like Larry Bird.
So, in conclusion, we the once mighty Lakers, would like to say to America: We're sorry for wasting your time.
See you next year.