Look, I wasn't trying to start trouble, really I wasn't.
But I heard this story that Tony Gwynn Jr. parked his vehicle at his parents' house before heading out to spring training this year, asked dad to start it to keep the battery charged, and when he returned home following his May 21 trade to San Diego his ride was ... dead.
"Oh, that was happening every year," Gwynn Jr. says, chuckling. "I leave my car with my parents because I don't like leaving it at my house when I'm gone, and I need somebody to start my car."
Good plan, right?
Go on, young Mr. Gwynn.
"They have enough cars as it is and they can't really put it in the garage, so they leave it outside by where the sprinkers are," Gwynn Jr. says. "And the sprinklers run over it all the time. And I come back every year and it never fails. My car doesn't start. My parents have forgotten to start it, or they can't find the keys, or something happens. All the time.
"But it's funny because I remember having to drive down to the ballpark (as a kid) plenty of times with my uncle to go down and start dad's car and make sure it was running, make sure it didn't go dead while he was on the road trip. Now the favor needs to be returned and. ..."
And, the engine is deader than Benjamin Franklin.
"This time it was that they weren't expecting me until September," Gwynn Jr. said, grinning. "But I appreciate them, though. They do a good job taking care of a lot of stuff."
So let the record show:
Tony Gwynn Sr. won eight batting titles, tying Honus Wagner for most ever in the National League.
But, apparently, he's 0-fer in keeping his son's car running during the seasons since Tony Jr. was drafted in 2003.
"What he didn't tell you was that he's got a gigantic gangsta speaker in the back of his trunk that sucks the life out of his battery," Gwynn Sr. says, laughing. "That's why it didn't start. We start it every week.
"Now, it did sit outside and get dirty. But to be honest, we didn't expect him back until September. I'd have had it cleaned and washed by then. But the truth of the matter is, he's got one of those big, ol' speakers that sucks the life out of the battery.
"Hey, I'll take the blame. That's what mom and dad are for. We have to take the hits, and that's fine.
"But when it didn't start, guess whose car he took? Dad's. And I said, 'Go for it.'"
Likes: Love the old-fashioned stirrups Arizona State was wearing during the Sun Devils' College World Series game against Texas on Monday.
Dislikes: Dontrelle Willis, struggling badly.
Rock 'N' Roll Lyric of the Day:
"So baby, don't expect to see me
"With no double martini in any high-brow society news
"'Cause I got them steadily depressin', lowdown mind-messin'
"Workin' at the car wash blues"
-- Jim Croce, Workin' at the Car Wash Blues