I received this from a friend and thought I'd pass it on.

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done:

glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh.yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.

Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.

I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.

And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right.

Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop action, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'No Kidding,' he said. 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?'

(Morale of the story: If you ever break a window while golfing, run like hell!)

Hilarious!

Here's one I like.  Its from the best golf jokes on the web site.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scottish man were playing golf with there wives and were just teeing off.  The Englisnman's wife bent over to place her ball on the tee when a swift breeze blew her skirt up, revealing she had no panties on.  The Englishman said"  Bloody Hell women, where are your knickers?"  and his wife said, You don't give me eough housekeeping money to afford a pair.  So the Englishman reaches in his pocket and says "For the sake of decency, here's 50 pounds, go buy yourself some underwear woman"!

Next the Irishman's Wife bent to tee off when a swift breeze blew her skirt up as well, revealing she had no panties on.  The Irismman said"  Sweet Mary and Joseph women, where are your undies?"  and his wife said, I can't afford a pair on the little money you give me.  So the Irishman reaches in his pocket and says "For the sake of decency here's20 pounds, go buy yourself some knickers woman"!

Finally the Scotsman's wife prepared to tee off.  The wind whips up and sends her skirt over her head, revealing that she too is naked underneath. 

"Lassie, Why do ye have no knickers?"  And his wife answered "you don't give me the money to afford one pair."  The Scotsman reached in his pocket and says "For the sake of decency, here's a comb.  Tidy yourself up a bit!".

Thought I'd just throw this one out there....

Two golfers agreed to play the ball as it lay.  On the sixth tee, they were dead even.  The first player hit his drive 200 yards down the middle.  The second slashed his shot over the trees and came to rest on a asphalt cart path.  "I get free relief from the cart path,' the errant player said to his companion.  "Hell no you don't," his partner snapped, "we're playing it as it lays."  Without another word, the second player dropped his friend off at his ball and headed toward the path.  The first  golfer laughed as he saw sparks fly from the practice swing, then was quickly silenced as a second set of sparks sent the ball flying over the trees, onto the green, landing three feet from the pin.

"Great shot," he shouted.  " What club did you use?"  The second player yelled back, "Your six iron!"

"

I've posted this before, but it's still my favorite.

A man was at the country club playing his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen of course, finishing his round shooting a personal best of 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10.

He was jubilant.... then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he dashed to the hospital. He found the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf - didn't you?! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past three hours enjoying yourself at the country club, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock' care. And YOU'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just messing with ya. She's dead. So, what'd you shoot?"

Here's an oldie, but goodie. 

Two women were golfing on a bright sunny day.  The first women sends the ball straight down the middle, the second tees up and slices badly, hitting into a foursome of men on the adjacent hole.  As the women approach the group, the second women sees a man laying on the ground, writhing in pain, both hands in his crotch.

Explaining she is a physical therapist and can help ease the pain, the women asks if she can help.  The man said, "No thanks, I'll be fine in a minute or two", his hands still between his legs. 

Taking it upon herself, the women unzips his pants and procedes to start massaging hisprivaate parts.  After a few minutes she looks into his eyes and says, " Now doesn't that feel better?"

The man looks back and smiles, "yeah, that feels really great, but my thumb still really hurts like hell."

THE  FEDEX

and everything associated with it. !!!!

So far the FEDEX CUP has been a JOKE..... and this year more so than last.

NOW THAT'S A JOKE.

Welcome back umhula77, long time no hear. 

I think Umhula77 should be fined for staying away so long.... anybody else??

I'm still around....opened a new restaurant and am working many, many hours.  We're doing well and once we're running smoothly, I should have more time to write on these boards.  Golf season is all but over and UM is killing me, so I don't have much to say anyway.  Timing is everything.  I still browse every now and again to see what's brewing on these threads... 

Here's another joke...

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.  The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?"  His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."  When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.  His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"  I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud  at the end of the 1st nine, honey."  A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob,  starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"  Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.  Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.  Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.  She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."