Baseball's First-Year Player Draft is over, and that, quite obviously, means it's time to rank the most awesome names of all those who were selected over an interminable span of 40 rounds.
Yes, we have done the yeoman's work of vetting the entire database to determine the 25 most awesome names of all, and what follows is our authoritative ordering of those names. We're also listing each young man's draft position, so that, if you wish, you may verify that, yes, someone actually has that awesome name. We have also taken the liberty of telling you what each evokes within the imagination -- i.e., what each name sounds like.
Will any of these gentlemen challenge the current owner of the greatest name in organized baseball? That's for you to decide.
To the rankings ...
1. Storm Throne, White Sox (771st overall)
Sounds like: Character name suggested by Toby Tolkien, 12-year-old younger brother of J.R.R.
2. Skye Bolt, Nationals (804th overall)
Sounds like: Handsome amnesia victim on "Days of Our Lives."
3. John Bushyhead, Angels (897th overall)
Sounds like: Guy who got into a lot of fights in elementary school.
4. Buck Farmer, Brewers (485th overall)
Sounds like: Merle Haggard's pedal-steel guitarist.
5. Evan Van Hoosier, Phillies (818th overall)
Sounds like: Monarchical heir to the throne of Indiana.
6. Goose Kallunki, Padres (825th overall)
Sounds like: Backup catcher for Connie Mack's Philadelphia A's, worked in an Omaha blast furnace during the offseason.
7. Torsten Boss, Orioles (252nd overall)
Sounds like: Guy who enjoys brawling in the streets of Eastern Europe.
8. Damien Magnifico, Brewers (185th overall)
Sounds like: Up-and-coming celebrity illusionist.
9. Nolan Fontana, Astros (61st overall)
Sounds like: Character in Harlequin romance novel.
10. Stryker Trahan, Diamondbacks (26th overall)
Sounds like: Alias that Keanu Reeves uses when making hotel reservations.
11. Austin Pentecost, Cubs (884th overall)
Sounds like: Young minister in a Nathaniel Hawthorne novel who's tortured by impure thoughts of Lady Ravishing.
12. Phildrick Llewellyn, Diamondbacks (423rd overall)
Sounds like: Headmaster at Connecticut boarding school, former classics professor, owns a monocle.
13. Lex Rutledge, Orioles (192nd overall)
Sounds like: Murderous cattle-rustler.
14. Shilo McCall, Giants (298th overall)
Sounds like: Sheriff who's hellbent on taking down murderous cattle-rustler Lex Rutledge.
15. Max Foody, Cardinals (390th overall)
Sounds like: I have no idea.
16. Dane Stone, Marlins (767th overall)
Sounds like: Man of few words with special-forces background who's there for those with nowhere left to turn.
17. Maxx Tissenbaum, Padres (354th overall)
Sounds like: An energy drink.
18. Correlle Prime, Rockies (378th overall)
Sounds like: A software upgrade.
19. Zebulon Sneed, Royals (343rd overall)
Sounds like: An asteroid headed straight for us.
20. Yogey Perez-Ramos, Diamondbacks (543rd overall)
Sounds like: The happiest guy in town.
21. Saxon Butler, Yankees (1,027th overall)
Sounds like: Star student and rugby player at Phildrick Llewellyn's boarding school. Owns a monocle.
22. D.J. Driggers, Tigers (694th overall)
Sounds like: Recurring character on "Saved by the Bell."
23. Brock Dykxhoorn, Reds (622nd overall)
Sounds like: Arch-villain with designs on poisoning the water supply.
24. Fernando Fernandez-Beltran, Phillies (848th overall)
Sounds like: Given name of the Most Interesting Man in the World.
25. Bijan Rademacher, Cubs (404th overall)
Sounds like: German-engineered touring sedan.