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The All-Thanksgiving Team

By Dayn Perry | Baseball Writer
Consider this a visual sneak preview of the All-Thanksgiving Team. (Wikipedia)

It's Thanksgiving. This is Eye on Baseball. Ergo, we are here to name the All-Thanksgiving Team for good and all.

Please know what follows is a collaborative effort down to the core (a core that, on this fat day, is edible). That's the case because if there's one necessary matter that justifies input from all corners of the CBSSports.com MLB family, it's this one.

So with the pride of a new parent whose newborn child is just delicious, we present to you the All-Thanksgiving Team ...

C - Billy Carver

Because it's the noun form of what the designated head-of-household does to the cooked bird before us. From this, all things flow.

1B - Nap Lajoie

Because it is what one necessarily takes in the Barcalounger after the meal is done and while the Lyons (you will soon see what I just did there) suffer football indignities before us.

2B - Damian Rolls

Nom, nom, nom: Carbs. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom: Carbs with butter. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom: More of same.

3B - Ham Allen

Because, on this day, one platter of meat is not enough. Tip: Later tonight, make a turkey sandwich and use two slabs of ham as the bread.

SS - Bobby Wine

Nom, nom, nom: Alcohol. Since it's wine, it's somewhat dignified and ceremonial; but, like any good drink, it does the job in the end. Now tell your brother what you really think of his wife.

OF - Turkey Stearnes

The Negro League great and Hall of Famer is on this list for obvious reasons. Nothing says Thanksgiving quite like this particular slaughtered fowl. Calvin Trillin called turkey "something college dormitories use to punish students for hanging around on Sunday." But its place in the pantheon of Thanksgiving slop is unassailable. It goes without saying Turkey Stearnes is team captain.

OF - Hunter Ovens

On this day, it helps to have three or four or nine of them. How else to cook all these delectables? How else will we be able to empty platefuls of chow into our gullets to the point of drowsiness and mass flatulence?

OF - Felix Pie

Ignore the particular pronunciation in this instance and focus instead on the spelling. Pecan or pumpkin and, later when there's just enough room in your abused gut, Eskimo.

Starting pitcher - Jimmy Gobble

It's what turkeys do before being killed and it's what we do to turkeys after the turkeys are killed. Turkey distress call or the dulcet tones of gluttony? Yes!

Relief pitcher - Shane Beans

Perfunctory plant-based food! No one wants to eat a legume and/or vegetable on this day, but no one wants to breathe between bites, either. We do what we must.

Manager - Charlie Dressen

Some call it stuffing and some call it dressing. For purposes of this exercise, we'll call it dressing. Feel free to ladle some Gavvy Cravath over it.

Back-of-roster platoon partners …

Philip Macy and Juan Paredez

Floats! Corporate partnerships reinforced! Someone like Trace Adkins singing something wholesome!

Sam Crane, Charlie Berry and Henry Saucer

Sort of looks like a raw organ meat, if that makes you feel better about eating it.

Ted Lyons and Cowboy Jones

Nap-time football ambience!

Arvie Pilgrim and Indian Bob Johnson

The reason for the season. The smallpox blankets came later.

And there you have it: the board-certified Eye on Baseball All-Thanksgiving Team. Please do bask in its buttery glow.

Most of all, though, a happy Thanksgiving to you and yours and them and theirs.

For more baseball news, rumors and analysis, follow @EyeOnBaseball on Twitter, subscribe to the RSS feed and "like" us on Facebook.

 
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