As peer-reviewed scientific literature has proved, the world will end on Dec. 21 at the remorseless bidding of the Mayan calendar. Besides complicating holiday plans and affecting retail and durable-goods sectors, this means there will be no baseball (in addition to the cessation of life itself and all that this mortal coil entails).
However, some lucky-best news has just crested the withering horizon: The Normal Cornbelters of the Frontier League are now selling tickets to baseball games!
Sure, the games associated those tickets will never be played because of the apocalyptic torture from which not even the moral probity and sinewy biceps of Will Smith can spare us. But the fact remains that you may go through the vacant liturgies of preparing to watch baseball through Dec. 21, the date on which the other wheel drops and the shoes come off. From the lips of the doomed ...
The team is only selling tickets for next season through December 21. That is the day the Mayan Calender ends, which some people believe signals the end of the world.
So the Cornbelters encourage people to go out with a bang with the hottest ticket in town.
Then if nothing happens on the 21, you will at least have your ticket before anyone else.
"So worst case scenario, we'd love to sell individual tickets throughout this month and hopefully people can utilize them past the 2t. But (it's) just to be on people's minds even in the off season," said Cornbelters General Manager Kyle Krieger.
Tickets start at $5.
You can get them online or at the Corn Crib stadium in north Normal near Heartland Community College.
The next time they'll be on sale is March, that is if we all survive.
Now Please allow a doomed Normal Cornbelters official to briefly explain this last act of defiance before, as this action-news footage suggests, he surrenders body and soul to Mayan representations ...
It's fair to ask: What, really, is the point, considering the terrors that loom? I would submit that there is no greater final act than the purchasing of tickets to a baseball game. It is as fitting an end, as haunting a rite as Ophelia's kiss. It is testament.
Let us now walk into the sea with our Normal Cornbelters tickets.