Look at these baseball cards that I bought; just look at them

By Dayn Perry | Baseball Writer

More MLB: Scoreboard | Standings | Probable Pitchers | Sortable Stats | Odds

Because my millions are my millions, I recently chose to spend some of those millions on some baseball cards available at a local retailer that specializes in name brands I can trust at a price my family can appreciate.

First, know that this was an impulse purchase, as I was originally tasked with going to said retailer in order to retrieve no fewer than one coaxial television cable and no fewer than many containers of wine. However, just as I was about to transact, I spied this :

Truth be told, they had me at "Fantastic Value."

But then I read this on the back of the crisp and luminous packaging ...

First, note that these cards were sourced from the streets of Bedford Park, Ill., where the good times go to have good times. Second, appreciate the phrase "purchased directly from the manufacturer or purchased from the secondary market and repackaged for retail sales by MJ Holding Company, LLC."

That says to me that these cards are very likely to be a delightful pile of crap, which is an unflinching compliment. An "Island of Misfit Toys" of baseball cards is I what I expected. I would not be disappointed.

At this point, sold is what I was, and sold is what this pack of cards was.

Please do appreciate the temporal span of what was inside ...

As you can see, that's a 2011 David Price on the left and a 1981 Rich Dotson -- be-collared and dutifully worried about the Soviets -- on the right. Thirty years apart, friends: thirty years.

More of what lies beneath:

Deal me in, Good Life, because I now own minor-league cards of Frank Bolick, Brent Knackert, Kash Beauchamp and Tow Maynard. Perhaps I shall use these newfound riches to refinish my outrageous peasant's table that serves as our backdrop.

Here's Andy Van Slyke with a facial expression I like to call, "Sharing a 40-year-old couch with two mixed-breed dogs while listening to a Joe Walsh mix tape."

It's Cory Snyder astride one of the 50 games that he played for the White Sox in 1991!

There's Ed Whitson, whom I will forever admire because he once tried to fight all of Georgia while stripped to the waist ...

Onward!

Mickey Tettleton! I did not realize that Mr. Tettleton, for at least one sun-dappled afternoon, looked precisely like Ron Kittle.

It scarcely needs to be said at this point, but, yes, of course Ron Kittle, The Yankee SessionsTM was also found within.

It's Carlos Baerga, who always insisted on posed and carefully stage-managed glamour shots.

And finally ...

Look: three players I admired in my youth! This also presents me with the tidy opportunity to embed within this post the phrase, "Hubie Brooks artist's rendering," which is absolutely SEO hot sauce.

In conclusion, I just bought some baseball cards, and these have been those.

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