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An ode to torturous commercials this October

By Matt Snyder | Baseball Writer

So it's Oct. 16. That means that die-hard baseball fans have been watching the sport non-stop throughout the month, mostly on TBS with some MLB Network and Fox mixed in to this point. And with a small slate of games each day instead of the 15 we're used to being treated to on a daily basis, we're bound to see the same commercials over and over due to very few flip-over options.

In fact, I have my remote control close at all times and I'm quite certain I could grab it blindfolded and find the mute button just as easily as Adam Wainwright can find his fastball grip.

Meanwhile, I can't stop having dreams about McDonald's wings being stolen by Larry Bird -- because, obviously, he's not rich enough to afford buying them on his own -- mixed with that family reverse aging via family portraits, which somehow relates to Bank of America. Or how about Old McDonald being a bad speller or a tree falling in the woods talking to itself (Dear God, please MAKE IT STOP, GEICO). And, obviously, if you have a certain something for four hours you damn well better call a doctor.

Anyway, I believe advertising executives say that a successful ad is one you remember, even if you hate it. So here are the most "successful" ads from this postseason, um, season in my humble and tortured opinion:

•His name is Jack.

•Thanks to Google Nexus, this fine young lad conquers his fear of public speaking and learns how to ask out a girl. Serious!

•Bill Hader -- "the non-Seth Rogan cop from Superbad" as I know him -- has a broken phone and wants you to switch to T-Mobile. Oh, and his girlfriend hates him because she broke her arm and was sending him texts from the hospital.

AVOCADOS

Seriously, to the ad execs who think people hating ads is good, I just want to point out that I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever spend a dime on anything Geico -- due 100 percent to how awful the commercials are. Please stop torturing us.

•Capital One ads featuring Alec Baldwin with actors from The Wire is more than slightly frightening to me. I mean, why is Wee-Bey a cop? This is not OK.

"Your entire life ... " - Johnnie Walker Black Label.

Pete Holmes might be a funny guy. His show might end up being awesome. I won't judge until I've seen it, but I have to say: If his commercials are any indication, he's among the least funny people alive. It's like he's trying not to be funny.

•Fatheads are real players!

•Before ... before ... before ... before ... before ...

Finally, of course, Major League Baseball -- as it does every October -- is killing us with this song:

Honestly, though, Geico, please come up with something new. We're begging.

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