Crazy eighth: Time again for your Anti-All Stars

Short Hops | Love Letters | Hot Topic

There was an infielder named Brent Gates. Played for Oakland when Dennis Eckersley was approaching another milestone save.

Boston's ineptitude with shortstops continues with Julio Lugo. (US Presswire)

The big moment was coming. Everybody was becoming more and more excited. The Athletics were talking about it one day in the clubhouse when, the story goes, Gates blurted out, "Hey, when Eck gets it, do you think they'll stop the game?'"

Which brings me to this year's Anti-All Stars.

Not everybody can win the vote for class president. Not everyone is Most Likely to Succeed. For most, the homecoming queen is out of reach.

And most definitely, not everybody can be invited to San Francisco for next week's All-Star Game.

Doesn't mean, though, that those who play Ringo to everybody else's John, Paul and George don't need love, too. Fact is, some of them need it far more than others (all together now: "All you need is love, love ... love is all you need").

So. Some folks donate blood. Others contribute to food banks.

Me? Why, each July, I cheerfully provide lodging and warmth to the year's underachievers, reprobates, misfits and criminals. It's just the kind of guy I am. Sometimes, on those perfect nights when every star is aligned just so, you can find one guy to fit all of those categories, and hitting for the cycle never felt so good!

So welcome one and all to my eighth annual Anti-All Star team. The criteria for being an Anti-All Star is very simple: As former Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart once said of pornography, "I know it when I see it."

Suggested background music while reading: Warren Zevon's Dirty Life and Times. Some days the sun don't shine, indeed ...

Catcher

Michael Barrett, San Diego Padres

A sincere and hearty congratulations to Barrett for making the Antis for a second consecutive season. No gold watches, though. A whoopie cushion, perhaps.