Crazy eighth: Time again for your Anti-All Stars

Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to the surgeon he goes.

If Pavano were one of the Seven Dwarfs, he'd be Dopey. Nobody has flat-out stolen money with the temerity of Pavano since Bonnie and Clyde.

Some people think the Yankees are simply being victimized by bad luck this season. I think they're paying for the deal they made with the devil when they made the bone-headed decision to sign this cookie dough-soft right-hander.

In other years, Anthony Reyes would be a strong candidate for this team after going 0-12 and being shipped to the minors. And Roger Clemens would receive strong consideration as well for earning a gazillion dollars and winning just twice. But Pavano dominates this position on the Antis like the mid-1970s Pittsburgh Steelers.

Others who were seriously considered: Sidney Ponson (the Twins stole a page out of the Yankees playbook by signing a washed-up veteran pitcher), Bronson Arroyo (not such a cool dude at 2-9 with a 4.89 ERA after signing a two-year, $25 million extension), Barry Zito (uh, HOW much are the Giants paying him again?), and Pittsburgh's Ian Snell (who burnt his hand while cooking a chicken breast).

Closer

I had to create a roster spot simply to call Colon up from Triple-A Toledo, so I waived Colorado's Brian Fuentes, who was chosen to go to the real All-Star Game next week by the players -- but then was removed from the closing role by Colorado manager Clint Hurdle when he blew four consecutive save opportunities.

Colon makes this team in spectacular fashion: After engaging fellow pitcher Jordan Tata in an argument, he attempted to punch Tata but instead connected with closer Jason Karnuth, who was simply attempting to break up the fight. Karnuth wound up with broken bones in his face, underwent plastic surgery and may wind up with a titanium plate in his head.

The Tigers, as a result, decreed that players henceforth must listen to music via headphones throughout their minor league system.

Manager

After being accused of mailing it in dating back to his days "managing" the Orioles, Hargrove made it official by resigning in the midst of an eight-game winning streak last week.

Also considered: Tampa Bay's Joe Maddon, who said after Monday night's loss, "It's been a good first half but a bad week." A bad week, yes -- the Devil Rays' losing streak reached nine games at midweek. A good first half? The Devil Rays are in last place in the AL East.

Bat Girl

New position this year, but Cynthia totally qualifies. Nice trailer trash touch, wearing a tank top with an obscene slogan printed across the back to her Yankee Stadium seat over the weekend. With her 2-year-old in tow. Hey, Cyndi baby, does that style come in pinstripes?