Every touching story deserves a butchered screenplay

During the past week, I have been told multiple times that Rick Ankiel's resurrection as a slugger is a "great story."

I've been lectured about how, in this "sad summer" of "fighting dogs" and "crooked referees" and "mountains of steroids corrupting innocent, apple-cheeked children," Ankiel has provided a rare dollop of uplift.

It has been nothing but curtain calls since Rick Ankiel returned to the majors. (AP)

Still others have asked me, in the disbelieving tones usually reserved for discussions about our nation's foreign policy, "How can you not be rooting for the guy?"

Well, gosh, if you put it that way, count me in. I officially anoint Ankiel's successful return to the majors as the greatest, most life-affirming story since Tom Glavine's 300th win. You've saved professional sports, Rick. Mazel tovs all around.

Now that I'm a convert, I want in on the action. As witnessed by Rocky, Hoosiers, and Grizzled Coach Teaches Teammates Not To View One Another Through A Racial Prism And Together They Win The Big Game, there's nothing we enjoy more than a tale of young athletes overcoming the odds.

So I decided to try my hand at screenwriting. I know nothing about Ankiel other than what I've read in the papers, but we can get around the specifics by slapping the final product with an "inspired by" tag.

Here, then, are a few copyrighted excerpts from my first draft of Strike Zone: The Redemption of Rick Ankiel. Suggested tagline for the movie poster: "When he lost his control, he won our hearts."

SCENE ONE

A farm somewhere in the Midwest. Trees and beanstalks abound. The sun hangs low in the late-afternoon sky, like a testicle. A father, Rick Ankiel Sr. (played by Luis Guzman), tends to a fallen cow as his four-year-old son, Rick Ankiel Jr. (some Nickelodeon moppet), looks on.

Rick Sr.: Dagnabit, kid. That's the eighth bovine you done did concussed with a Wiffle ball!

Rick Jr.: Maybe if you gave me half a target to throw at, we wouldn't have that problem. Ma, where's my chaw?

SCENE FOUR

A high school somewhere in the Plains. Bleachers along the first- and third-base lines are packed with adoring fans. A gaggle of scouts (Samuel L. Jackson, John Mellencamp, Joe Pesci) stand behind home plate, radar guns alight. A 15-year-old Rick (that High School Musical kid ... you know, the one with the hair) sets down hitters with almost comical ease.

Scout one: Hi! My name is Scotty Scout! I'm from the Cardinals! I pick Rick! I feel for Ankiel!

Scout two: He is strong, like bull. He is foul, like dyspeptic puma.

Scout three: I sure hope he doesn't have some kind of mental-makeup issue that causes him to lose the strike zone.

SCENE EIGHT

Draft day, 1997. An adobe hut in New Mexico. Almost-adult Rick (Haley Joel Osment) and Rick Sr. jump at the phone as soon as it rings.

Scotty Scout (over the speaker phone): Hi, it's Scotty! We just picked Rick in the second round! Yay!

Rick Sr.: It's gonna cost ya. Son, fetch me my negotiating helmet.

Rick: Say -- whatever happened to ma?

SCENE TWELVE

Ankiel's second spring training with the Cardinals. Tony La Russa (Ralph Macchio) approaches strapping young prospect Rick (Chris Klein) after a BP session in which he makes the team's veterans look silly.

La Russa (throwing a fatherly arm around Rick's shoulder): I'm not sure if you're going to be breaking camp with the big-league club, but you're in our plans for this year. Just keep your head down and your eye on the prize.

Rick: Awesome. Whooo!

La Russa: Don't even consider the possibility of some cosmic twist of fate that renders you unable to throw strikes.

Rick: Gotcha, Skip. Just FYI, I'm no longer talking to my dad, because he blew my signing bonus on cheese and hubcaps. Also, I've found conjugal bliss in the arms of a wonderful love interest. Her name is Sweet Jenny. I met her during the last scene. We engaged in clever though not overly flirtatious repartee.

Sweet Jenny (Mary-Kate Olsen): Hi!

SCENE FOURTEEN

Oct. 3, 2000, Game 1 of the NL Division Series between the Braves and Cardinals at Busch Stadium. In the third inning, a battle-hardened Rick (Zach Braff) walks Greg Maddux (David Schwimmer), gets a popout, throws a wild pitch, throws another wild pitch, walks Andruw Jones (Marlon Wayans), then throws another wild pitch. Catcher Carlos Hernandez (Eric Balfour) calls for time and approaches the mound.

Hernandez: Settle down, Rick. You've got a big lead. Just throw strikes.

Ankiel: Strikes, strikes, strikes. Oy gevalt! What's it with you and the strikes?

Hernandez: In baseball, a strike is a pitched ball that is in the strike zone or is swung at and not hit fair. It is generally accepted that you cannot succeed as a pitcher unless you throw strikes.

Ankiel: Bah! I scoff at your fusty rules. I cast aspersions on your value system.

Hernandez: Dude. Just get it over the plate, OK?

(After two more wild pitches, including one that brains a fan seated 10 rows behind third base, Ankiel is removed from the game. As he trudges off the field, a man defeated, the crowd boos him lustily and pelts him with cups of beer, batteries and lawn chairs.)

SCENE SEVENTEEN

April 2001. A nondescript office in New York City. A dumbass roto owner (Larry Dobrow) angrily responds to a trade offer from fellow owner Jason (Kevin Dillon) in his NL keeper league.

Dumbass: Rick Ankiel straight-up for Matt Morris? Are you in-SANE?

Jason: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm not saying that Ankiel isn't better than Morris. But your team is set up to win this year. I thought maybe you'd want to minimize your risk.

Dumbass: Screw you! Ankiel is the BEST. Did you see his first start? Eight Ks in five innings, with only three walks and no wild pitches! He's Koufax with a mean streak! He's Randy Johnson with a haircut!

Jason: OK, then. Godspeed.

SCENE EIGHTEEN

The same office, three minutes after a visibly panicked Rick (Jamie Foxx), in his third 2001 appearance, allows five runs in three innings while walking five.

Dumbass (on the phone): Um, yeah, hi, Ali. It's Larry. Is Jason there? (listens) No, no, it's nothing important. Just tell him that I've reconsidered his very, very generous trade offer of 12 days ago. Tell him to call me back at his earliest convenience.

SCENE NINETEEN

Montage! To the strains of Abba's The Winner Takes It All, we see an anguished Rick (Justin Timberlake) pounding on his steering wheel in frustration as he drives in the rain. We see 18 white-coated physicists shaking their heads at a computerized analysis of Rick's windup. We see Sweet Jenny ducking into a Motel 6 with Jim Edmonds. We see Rick Sr. eating cheese.

SCENE TWENTY-SIX

Spring training 2005. A slightly weathered but still youthful Rick (Colin Farrell) approaches La Russa after a side session in which he throws only three of 20 pitches for strikes.

Rick (in full Oscar-bait mode): Skip, this pitching thing just ain't working for me. I'm overthinking and underthrowing and underthinking and overthrowing, and my head's all messed up from here to Tuesday. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Plus I miss my pa. I miss my pa!

La Russa (casually): Oh. You. You're still here?

Rick: I think I want to be an outfielder now. Can I be an outfielder and fight my way back to the majors, through dint of hard work?

La Russa: Sure, kid, whatever floats your boat.

Rick: Here's where you're supposed to give me a pep talk.

La Russa: Nah. I'm good.

SCENE THIRTY

Aug. 11, 2007. A mobbed St. Louis clubhouse in which there is no evidence of any alcoholic beverages whatsoever. A glowing and redeemed Rick (Josh Holloway), fresh off a two-dinger day that earned him multiple standing ovations, basks in the emotional but still very, very manly adoration of his teammates. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Rick Sr. standing alone in a corner, smiling warmly, holding a Wiffle ball in his hand. Rick approaches his father.

Rick (warily): So, what'd you think?

Rick Sr.: You done did it, kid. You did done it. I'm so proud of you.

Rick: I love you, pa! (They hug)

Rick Sr.: Right back atcha. Now, about that loan.

(fade to black)