10. Milwaukee Brewers: Wait -– four months ago, Doug Melvin and Co. were geniuses, but now they're dumb dummyheads who can't Sheets straight? Be patient, young bratwurst buffs. Your day will come, and soon.
11. New York Mets: Gotta love the Beltran/Reyes/Wright core, as well as Omar Minaya's ability to pluck guys like John Maine and Oliver Perez out of thin air. But the rest of the staff is old and there are no replacements on the way, at least not until Mike Pelfrey's mound equilibrium is restored. Today as in April, this feels like a win-or-bust season for the Metsies, especially with the Diamondbacks, Dodgers and Brewers set to thrive for many a moon.
12. Minnesota Twins: They do things the "right" way. They "nurture their young players" and "make them serve 18-month apprenticeships" before they "allow" them to "contribute." They then "undermine the dickens" out of "themselves" by filling the "bottom" of their "batting order" and "starting rotation" with "regurgitated llama poop" like "Nick Punto" and "Sidney Ponson."
13. St. Louis Cardinals : The world champs (cough!) continue to subsist on the bounty of sly moves made a few years back, and there doesn't appear to be much help on the horizon. Still, nobody rescues and resuscitates a psychologically fried pitcher like the Cards do. What's this I hear about Tony La Russa and Walt Jocketty defecting en masse to Cincy after the season? That wouldn't be very nice of them.
14. Chicago White Sox : Ever since he escaped Billy Beane's mind-merge hypnosis, Ken Williams has pushed all the right buttons, with the short-but-sweet Jermaine Dye contract extension being the latest example. The next move oughta be to throw Ozzie Guillen overboard, as the "nothing is my fault, ever, and I can slur whoever I want because I'm lovable, outrageous Ozzie" crap doesn't play too well on a losing team.
15. Chicago Cubs: They've shown an inclination to throw cash around and, so far, the moves seem to be working out. I still wouldn't want to be on the hook for the final few years of the Soriano or Zambrano contracts, though. Please, please let Mark Cuban somehow defy the odds and win the derby to purchase the Cubbies. With Steinbrenner on the shelf, baseball needs a new lightning rod.
16. Florida Marlins: So much for that surplus of young arms.
17. Los Angeles Dodgers: When the Loneys and LaRoches and Kershaws take over within a year or two, the L.A. Times (motto: editors? what editors?) will owe Paul DePodesta and his balls of money a huge apology. This should be a win-every-year franchise, given the available resources. They were on that path until Ned Colletti decided that good players don't win ballgames -– veteran players do. Dumbass.
18. Tampa Bay Devil Rays: They crapped the bed with their outfield surplus; Rocco Baldelli and his hamstrings of linen should've been sent elsewhere when his value was at its peak before '07. That said, the team is stocked with talented young'uns at pretty much every position. Bold prediction: they'll challenge the Blue Jays for third place in the AL East by 2009.
19. Toronto Blue Jays: Oh, they're still playing? How adorable. The enthusiasm over Dustin McGowan's emergence neatly counterbalances the my-God-what-have-we-done panic about payroll-hogging commitments to Vernon Wells and B.J. Ryan.
20. Colorado Rockies: Nice job on the developmental front, especially in protecting Troy "Jeter v.2.0" Tulowitzki until he was ready. I'm still not sure what the Clint Hurdle/Dan O'Dowd dyad has done to merit the vote of confidence it received earlier this year, though. The Rockies haven't been within yodeling distance of the playoffs since Madonna was last fitted for a cone bra. See, that's funny because Madonna hasn't worn a cone bra since 1995, when the Rockies last made the playoffs. Funny!
21. Philadelphia Phillies: Um, Mr. Gillick, sir? I don't mean to cause you any consternation, but the natives have overpowered the guards, invaded the castle and lowered the drawbridge. Perhaps we should retreat into the bunker.
22. Kansas City Royals: For a change, they're not doing anything actively wrong. Of course, they're not doing much right, either. Let's move along.
23. Seattle Mariners: You can't argue with the results on the field, or the decision to throw mucho yen (that's Japanese funny talk for "money") at Ichiro. If you're going to spend that kind of cash, it might as well be on a sublime player who puts butts in the seats. Still, they have been very, very fortunate in the way every Mariner flare has seemed to fall in for a hit and every liner from an opposing bat has found the glove of a Seattle defender. This unexpected run hasn't sold me on slugwit GM Bill Bavasi. Nope. Not one bit.
24. Cincinnati Reds: Hey, Krivsky. I've got these totally excellent relief pitchers in a van in that alley over there. Wanna take a look-see? I can hook you up with the extended warranty on their elbows.
25. Houston Astros: Admitting you have a problem is the first step. Alas, 'Stros owner Drayton McLane prefers instead to yield to cheap sentiment -– hello, Biggio sunset -– and point the finger elsewhere when the inevitable happens. Whichever team hires Purpura to run its scouting and development gets bumped up several places on this list.
26. San Francisco Giants: When I was your age, I bent for ground balls! I walked eight miles to the bullpen every day, both ways, uphill, in the snow! I ran out every pop fl... Oh! My hip! Medic!
27. Texas Rangers: Well, at least they've benched Sammy. Yuck. Beware of veteran, winning GMs peddling supposed can't-miss prospects.
28. Washington Nationals: This situation should be nigh-impossible to screw up: great sports market aching for a winner, shiny new stadium about to open, well-heeled ownership group. And yet can't-sit-still GM Jim Bowden feels the need to keep scrapheap finds like Ronnie Belliard and Dmitri Young around for ... what, really? Making quick work of the postgame buffet? Simply indefensible. This team should've been riding the player-development bandwagon from the first day they arrived, as a shell of a franchise, in D.C. A few 75-win seasons might be good for morale, but they're getting in the way of a bunch of 95-win ones down the road.
29. Baltimore Orioles: When managing to sign your top draft pick qualifies as a major step forward, it's time to take a long, hard look in the mirror.
30. Pittsburgh Pirates: (gurgle)
