If I ruled the baseball world: Commish for a day
Hey, Bud Selig's an OK guy, but if Scott Miller had his shot at being the commissioner, you bet there would be some changes. From history lessons to making pitchers play again, baseball would change, for the better.
Commissioner for a day? Love to. I'll make our man Eric Kay my Bob Watson, and then I'll pass along these rules and order him to implement them under the threat of heavy fines. ...
| For the players | |
| Rule: Lots of chatter | |
 | Chatter. There will be chatter. Memo to Nelson Figueroa: There will be lots of chatter. Guys into the game, rooting on their teammates. Maybe it will even sound like girls softball at times. If you hear this, you should just shut up and pitch. |
| Rule: Pumpin', jiggin' and ejectin' | |
 | Joba Chamberlain fist pumps. Francisco Rodriguez gyrates and points to the heavens. That's fine. But you give up a home run and the batter dances a jig all the way to first base, I don't want to hear you griping about the batter showing you up. And if you drill him with a pitch after that, you're ejected from the game. In fact, by all means, move a hitter off the plate. But if you intentionally drill him after a homer, you're ejected. The answer to a home run is this: Make a better pitch next time. |
| Rule: No body armor | |
 | Body armor? No. Not for anyone. No grandfathering it in. Barry Bonds' elbow pad was as big as a mid-sized sports car. Alex Rodriguez's is as large as a rhinoceros. No more. It's past time to give the pitchers a break. |
| Rule: Raised mound, no DH, extra batting practice | |
 | Speaking of which, the mound will be raised to Bob Gibson-era levels. And the designated hitter will be eliminated. And any pitcher hitting lower than .200 will be required to take extra batting practice every day. |
| Rule: If you pitch it, you must hit it | |
 | Wait, in addition to taking extra BP every day, any pitcher who just doesn't think he can drag his pretty little self into the batter's box without being humiliated will be required to watch video of Arizona's Micah Owings, the Cubs' Carlos Zambrano and Cleveland's C.C. Sabathia. |
| Rule: Pointing of no return | |
 | There will be no more pointing to the sky upon crossing home plate following a home run. We have -- or supposedly have -- separation of church and state in this country. The least we can do is have separation of church and baseball. Unless you're Annie Savoy in Bull Durham. Besides, I don't think God has it in for the pitcher you homered against. Unless he's Roger Clemens. Then, maybe. |
| Rule: Hall of Fame essay | |
 | Each player shall be required to explain the importance of Jackie Robinson and list his 10 favorite Hall of Famers, complete with reasons why. We cannot appreciate who we are and the blessings we have without having a working knowledge of our past. |
| For the Media | |
| Rule: All-Star Game broadcasters | |
 | Ernie Harwell and Vin Scully will broadcast the All-Star Game every year, without exception. Jon Miller can join them if he would like. |
| Rule: Daily Steinbrenner statement | |
 | Hank Steinbrenner shall be required to issue a statement about something every day at 10 a.m. during the season. Simply for our entertainment. |
| For the umpires | |
| Rule: Free shot | |
 | There will be no umpire warnings after a batter is hit by a pitch -- until the score is even. You intentionally hit my slugger, I get a free shot at your slugger. But only one. And then we're even, and no more reindeer games. Back to baseball. |
| Rule: Strike zone enlarged | |
 | The strike zone will be enlarged and actually called as laid out in the rule book. Yes, this means the high strike at the letters. And there will be no bitching about it. |
| For the ballpark | |
| Rule: Costs | |
 | No hot dog will cost more than $2, and no beer will cost more than $5. Especially in the new ballparks. |
| Rule: No wine and sushi | |
 | Wine and sushi no longer will be permitted at concession stands. |
| Rule: Doubleheader requirement | |
 | Each team will schedule two doubleheaders a season. These will not be day-night, split-gate doubleheaders. They will be old-fashioned, two-for-the-price-of-one affairs. And they will be scheduled sometime between mid-June and mid-August, when the kids are out of school and can attend. |
| Rule: Glory Days banned | |
 | Sad as it is to say this, much as I love Bruce Springsteen, Glory Days is banned from stadiums. I, too, had a friend who was a baseball player, back in high school. But 20-plus years is simply enough. It was a great song before it was played to death. Now, if Bruce will please write another rocker with a verse about baseball, I'll order stadium personnel around the league to play that one every night. |
| Rule: Teach the kids | |
 | There will be volunteers available throughout the park to teach every kid how to score a game, if the child does not already know. |
| Rule: Afternoon World Series game | |
 | There will be at least one afternoon World Series game each fall so that everyone will have a chance to actually watch a Fall Classic game from start to finish by the time they're 20. |
| Rule: No alternate uniforms | |
 | This one especially goes out to the Houston What-Were-You-Thinking Astros: No ... more ... orange ... and ... red ... rainbow ... uniforms. Ever. Not even on Retro Night. Sorry. |
| Rule: Ball signings for homers caught | |
 | For those lucky enough to catch home run balls, the player who hit it will make time to sign it for the fan before he or she goes home. Wait ... the Tampa Bay Rays already do this. What a cool idea. I can't believe other clubs haven't picked up on it. |
| Rule: Earned runs | |
 | From now on, when a pitcher commits an error, if that runner scores, it will be an earned run, not an unearned run. |
| RULE: No baseball tossings at Wrigley | |
 | Unless you're sitting in a box seat or bleacher seat in Wrigley Field, or you're sitting on a rooftop seat across the street, there will be no tossing a baseball onto the field following an opponent's home run. You do this in Wrigley Field, where they invented it, it's cool. You do it in any other park in the United States (and you, too, Toronto), you're simply an unoriginal copycat. |
For contacting Scott Miller ....
Rule: Any complaints, take them up with my assistant, Josie. I actually don't have an assistant named Josie, but I've always wanted one. And, hey, if I'm commissioner, I can do what I want.
Want to submit your own rules for "The New Rules of Baseball?" Or, would you rather change a new rule that has already entered the handbook? Sound off here.
