Anti All-Stars: The antidote to all that's right with the world

There is no voting for this All-Star team. Only pity.

There is no red-carpet parade. Only red tomatoes, preferably rotten, carefully aimed National television? Maybe you'll find the lowlights on YouTube.

Now released, Richie Sexson has plenty of time to stand around with his bat in his hands. (AP)

Magic? Yeah, if you count former Seattle general manager Bill Bavasi's disappearing towel trick earlier this season, when he angrily ordered the bath towels removed from the Mariners clubhouse in an effort to force them to be accountable after another loss. What, by physically wearing their stink?

Yet we gather here today, to honor our ninth annual Anti All-Star team, because ... well, because, come time for the real All-Star Game, there are a whole lot of others who need love, too (and apparently, in the case of this year's third baseman, he needs lots of love).

There's an old story that has been circulating around dusty baseball diamonds forever: A pitcher was getting clobbered, just drilled, when the pitching coach finally trudged to the mound mid-game.

Coach put his arm around the pitcher. Took the ball from him. Calmly told him, "Don't worry, son, it isn't your fault. The scout who signed you, it's his fault."

Oh, the horror! The humanity! The trashed hopes, dashed dreams and downright incorrigible incompetence!

Humbabe, it's the 2008 Anti All-Star team. ...

Catcher: Staff, San Diego Padres.

This is a historic moment: Never before have we asked multiple players to handle one Anti All-Star position. But there simply is no adequate way to put into words a major league team allowing 114 stolen bases in 132 attempts.

How, exactly, do you do that? Roll the ball down to second base as a bowler might? Continually heave it into center field? Keep throwing to third "accidentally" when the runner is stealing second?

Remember Rerun from What's Happening!? Fat Albert from Saturday morning cartoons? These Padres could make each look like an Olympic sprinter.

It's not only catchers. Padres pitchers consistently fail to hold base runners. Nevertheless, we roll out the welcome mat for all five men who have caught for the Padres this season: Michael Barrett, Josh Bard, Luke Carlin, Colt Morton and Nick Hundley. Exciting times for Hundley, no doubt: He was recalled from the minors the other day and has only played in three games, but you know how it is with guilt by association.